Wednesday, December 31, 2003
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
You are the Colored eye. You are different and dont
give a dam wut other people think or say about
you.. your independent n sexy. Good for u!
The type of pain ur eyes behold
brought to you by Quizilla
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Saturday, December 27, 2003
"Flight"
By Judy Budnitz
There was a time when the women jumped off buildings regularly. They wore hoopskirts then and carried parasols. They fell gently, their skirts filling with air, their legs dangling in long lace knickers. Men were gentlemen then; they did not look up and snigger when a lady fell.
Now the women wear blue jeans and spandex. They have sleek haircuts. They slip too fast through the air; you can't get a grip on them. No place to fall to -- there are too many busy streets, too many antennas and telephone wires read to slice off a finer or snag on an earring. Now when a woman jumps, everybody looks. THey have no manners.
It makes Kanisa sad sometimes.
Kanisa took the leap the first time when she was five. SHe jumped from the front step. Her sandals made a wop sound when they landed, and she rocked forward on her hands. That was all.
Now she is so much older and so much heavier, she nees to jump off higher things. Thirty stories at least, she thinks, to get any feeling of flight.
She thinks about it often.
In the time before, women had reason to jump. An incriminating letter, a misplaced glove and your life could change forever. They jumped with necks outstretched, swanlike, tears in their eyes and the sun sliding a burning path down the sky. Gauzy scarves trailed after them, and impassioned speeches, and perhaps a lazy handkerchief fluttering down late, like the last leaf off the tree in autumn.
Now women like to get where they are going as fast as they can. No time for a journey. It must be done as soon as they think of it. That's the way Kanisa's mother did it. SHe took the leap headfirst on a cloudy day in the middle of rush hour, didn't bother to wait for the dramatic sunset. Her mother splattered neatly next to the curb. It was street cleaning day: lucky coincidence.
And then her aunt, who was in such a hurry that she leapt before even she was ready, and had to finish her coffee and pull up her panty hose midflight. Not that it mattered; no one had time to look up.
Back then the woman leapt off cliffs. It was a beautiful thing. Songs and poems were written about them. People wept for them. Lovers leapt after them. They fell neatly into rivers that carried them along and away to the sea, to the dark, dark deep, where the permaids braided their hair and sung them to sleep.
Now it is the police report, the juicy mess, the spot on the evening news. The bums check the street for loose change and the landlord looks for another tenant.
Kanisa stands at the window in their apartment on the seventeenth floor. Not high enough. It must be the thirtieth floor at least. There is a gull from off the bay perching on the building opposite. He shrieks for company. Behind her the baby screams for a fallen toy.
What if someone tipped the high chair, she thinks, and the baby spills out and thunks his tender head on the floor and doesn't move? What then? Why, then she will burst through the window, like a tropical fish bursting through the glass of the aquarium with a crash and splash, gasping and flapping its fins like it might fly.
But the baby's still in the chair, sucking his finfers. The gull flies away. A tropical fish, if it's lucky will be scooped into a saucepan of tap water while someone sweeps up the peices of broken glass and sops up the mess.
Kanisa trips over the baby's fallen toy. It's a woman, hard and smooth and egg-shaped, and wieghed on the bottom so she always rolls upright. Her body clings to earth like a magnet.
Dennis said once that most people who jump have heart attakcs and die before they even reach the ground. "it's not fear of falling." he said; "it's landing they're afraid of." He said that and laughed, his teeth caulked with mashed potatoes. Soon after, he left for good.
What did he know about it anyway? He was a trucker, accustomed to moving in horizontals, not verticals, she thinks as she takes the elevator.
Now Kanisa stands on the roof of her building. The iron railing comes only to her waist. She leans way out. SOmeone could tip her over. SHe looks out across the stunted forest of chinmeny and TV antennas. She looks down into the hot wind barreling up from the street. The wind carries with it the smells of subway and pretzel stands and a small, thin wailing -- her baby wants his toy. The yellow cabs slide past one another on the street like peices on a fame board.
Long ago, Kanisa thinks, the villians were easy to pick out. They wore black clothes, cape, and gloves, and had pencil thinn mustaches. They carried swords and made women swoon. These days they are much harder to spot.
She thinks, The terror of falling is not the eath rushing up, smiling and effusive, to embrace you like an old friend you had hoped never to see again. Nor is it the fear of impact, the teeth-rattling jolt, like the violent thrust you close your eyes and brace yourself for in the night.
It is the sense of betrayal, as you arch earthward like a shooting star and look down to see no one there waiting to catch you.
By Judy Budnitz
There was a time when the women jumped off buildings regularly. They wore hoopskirts then and carried parasols. They fell gently, their skirts filling with air, their legs dangling in long lace knickers. Men were gentlemen then; they did not look up and snigger when a lady fell.
Now the women wear blue jeans and spandex. They have sleek haircuts. They slip too fast through the air; you can't get a grip on them. No place to fall to -- there are too many busy streets, too many antennas and telephone wires read to slice off a finer or snag on an earring. Now when a woman jumps, everybody looks. THey have no manners.
It makes Kanisa sad sometimes.
Kanisa took the leap the first time when she was five. SHe jumped from the front step. Her sandals made a wop sound when they landed, and she rocked forward on her hands. That was all.
Now she is so much older and so much heavier, she nees to jump off higher things. Thirty stories at least, she thinks, to get any feeling of flight.
She thinks about it often.
In the time before, women had reason to jump. An incriminating letter, a misplaced glove and your life could change forever. They jumped with necks outstretched, swanlike, tears in their eyes and the sun sliding a burning path down the sky. Gauzy scarves trailed after them, and impassioned speeches, and perhaps a lazy handkerchief fluttering down late, like the last leaf off the tree in autumn.
Now women like to get where they are going as fast as they can. No time for a journey. It must be done as soon as they think of it. That's the way Kanisa's mother did it. SHe took the leap headfirst on a cloudy day in the middle of rush hour, didn't bother to wait for the dramatic sunset. Her mother splattered neatly next to the curb. It was street cleaning day: lucky coincidence.
And then her aunt, who was in such a hurry that she leapt before even she was ready, and had to finish her coffee and pull up her panty hose midflight. Not that it mattered; no one had time to look up.
Back then the woman leapt off cliffs. It was a beautiful thing. Songs and poems were written about them. People wept for them. Lovers leapt after them. They fell neatly into rivers that carried them along and away to the sea, to the dark, dark deep, where the permaids braided their hair and sung them to sleep.
Now it is the police report, the juicy mess, the spot on the evening news. The bums check the street for loose change and the landlord looks for another tenant.
Kanisa stands at the window in their apartment on the seventeenth floor. Not high enough. It must be the thirtieth floor at least. There is a gull from off the bay perching on the building opposite. He shrieks for company. Behind her the baby screams for a fallen toy.
What if someone tipped the high chair, she thinks, and the baby spills out and thunks his tender head on the floor and doesn't move? What then? Why, then she will burst through the window, like a tropical fish bursting through the glass of the aquarium with a crash and splash, gasping and flapping its fins like it might fly.
But the baby's still in the chair, sucking his finfers. The gull flies away. A tropical fish, if it's lucky will be scooped into a saucepan of tap water while someone sweeps up the peices of broken glass and sops up the mess.
Kanisa trips over the baby's fallen toy. It's a woman, hard and smooth and egg-shaped, and wieghed on the bottom so she always rolls upright. Her body clings to earth like a magnet.
Dennis said once that most people who jump have heart attakcs and die before they even reach the ground. "it's not fear of falling." he said; "it's landing they're afraid of." He said that and laughed, his teeth caulked with mashed potatoes. Soon after, he left for good.
What did he know about it anyway? He was a trucker, accustomed to moving in horizontals, not verticals, she thinks as she takes the elevator.
Now Kanisa stands on the roof of her building. The iron railing comes only to her waist. She leans way out. SOmeone could tip her over. SHe looks out across the stunted forest of chinmeny and TV antennas. She looks down into the hot wind barreling up from the street. The wind carries with it the smells of subway and pretzel stands and a small, thin wailing -- her baby wants his toy. The yellow cabs slide past one another on the street like peices on a fame board.
Long ago, Kanisa thinks, the villians were easy to pick out. They wore black clothes, cape, and gloves, and had pencil thinn mustaches. They carried swords and made women swoon. These days they are much harder to spot.
She thinks, The terror of falling is not the eath rushing up, smiling and effusive, to embrace you like an old friend you had hoped never to see again. Nor is it the fear of impact, the teeth-rattling jolt, like the violent thrust you close your eyes and brace yourself for in the night.
It is the sense of betrayal, as you arch earthward like a shooting star and look down to see no one there waiting to catch you.
Friday, December 26, 2003
I can't deal with the thought of you leaving and so i'll sit here pretending you'll be one room over forever. I'll hide my tears, refuse to say goodbye because you aren't leaving, and avoid you until it's too late.
Big girls don't cry
and they don't need bigger sisters.
but...
who's going to love me when you're gone? Who's going to care?
Without you I'm all alone. Please don't abandon me now.
Big girls don't cry
and they don't need bigger sisters.
but...
who's going to love me when you're gone? Who's going to care?
Without you I'm all alone. Please don't abandon me now.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Monday, December 22, 2003
Saturday, December 20, 2003
Friday, December 19, 2003
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Monday, December 15, 2003
Sometimes i see pictures of you and realize that you're not ugly in person because the pull is there. Because you're perfectly applied makeup hides it all. but really, there's nothign fascinating to you. nothign beautiful. and i know you're insides are just as ugly. just as plain. just as big and bland and colorless. I know you've no pretty pictures inside, no brightened dreams, no real cuts or bruises to call your own. i know that you're nothing.
and then you shot those arrows aimed at my heart and i spread my arms to give you easy access and i let you bleed me dry. But, i hope you know, that right now, i know your word means nothing. Because all you are is practicality that has never felt. You are fear that hasn't been inspired. You are a coward and all you can do is comment and never act.
Know this, i see you, with all your flashsmilecolor gone and who you really are and i know how ugly you can be.
and then you shot those arrows aimed at my heart and i spread my arms to give you easy access and i let you bleed me dry. But, i hope you know, that right now, i know your word means nothing. Because all you are is practicality that has never felt. You are fear that hasn't been inspired. You are a coward and all you can do is comment and never act.
Know this, i see you, with all your flashsmilecolor gone and who you really are and i know how ugly you can be.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Read on for the peice i wrote for fray. i never went. and now reading back it's rather poorly written. that and uber cheesy. i apologize for any offensively bad things and the dissapointment you wil probably feel for me after finishing this...
either way, i have a short story i want to type up and post. not by me. but something i read and enjoyed? so... that to come. plus random one line thoughts for yours truly because that's all i've got nowadays. yes, that *is* how deep i reach, one line. that's it. end of story.
either way, i have a short story i want to type up and post. not by me. but something i read and enjoyed? so... that to come. plus random one line thoughts for yours truly because that's all i've got nowadays. yes, that *is* how deep i reach, one line. that's it. end of story.
Everyone’s got their own romance stories. Everyone’s got first kisses, first loves, first heartbreaks and all the ones following. There’s the one that got away, the one that stole your heart, and the one you count as the biggest mistake of your LIFE. I’m young. I’ve still got a few to find… But sometimes when the world is only 17 years new the littlest things seem like the world and you can’t help but cling on to something because really now… it IS your world. But ask anyone… High school love is a joke. It’s like biting a plastic apple or walking into a glass door or choking on your own spit or… or… or losing your first tooth and the fascination it brings… like getting to the top of a tree for the first time, getting your license, moving to a new city, or maybe… maybe and just maybe… it’s a drop. A leap. A half jumphope that things will turn out ok. Now, my story? It wasn’t love. But sometimes I think it might have been. And I’d tell you how it all began but I really don’t remember. Apparently it was at the changing of the guards. London, this past summer. I remember the heat and I remember the goofy pictures. I remember the tourguide that held the stick that *he* talked about. But I don’t remember him… I remember the moments that matter. The way he told me I was beautiful while he looked me in the eye and for the first time in my life it didn’t feel like a lie. I remember most everything… dear god I remember…
I remember bus rides and lollipops and open windows and night skies and the Eiffel tower… Do you think *he* remembers the Eiffel tower? He was so confused. So oblivious. It was almost cute. The way I placed my arm against his chest, the way I pushed him against that wall, the way I kissed him as passionately as I knew how to kiss. We made eye contact for a moment, for half a moment, for a second, for barely a second. It was like fire. It was like hell. It was like being thrown into the pool at 7 to learn how to swim and the stingburn of taking half a breath underwater. A whisper, “sorry… I just figured it was my last chance to kiss someone on the Eiffel tower…” and I walked away. I walked away from half moment passion and half moment fire. I wonder if he remembers that…
Most present in my mind is that collapse. That feeling when I realized that yes, I DID have feelings for him. That maybe he COULD be something special. My head rested in his lap and the sun streamed in through windows. It was warm and I was half asleep. He looked down and smiled at me. I smiled back. And at that moment something inside me clicked. Something inside me fell. It was like my heart stopped and the world stopped and everything was crashing down. All the walls and fortresses built smashed down. It was like a breaking inside. And with that… I knew he’d gotten through. I knew that I’d never forget his smile or his eyes or that eyebrow ring that still hurt it was so newly pierced.
There are so many memories there, so many little things that made it all worth it. So much sweetness and tenderness, the kind that you lose after your first betrayal and never gain again. He had it. I was angry at the world and wanted nothing to do with trust or attachment or any of the emotions that come right before love… Thinking back now… If I’d been given a couple more days with him it probably would have been love… Maybe it was love… Maybe love was that night in Amsterdam when he refused to go out with his friends because if he spent the night with me it’d be more meaningful. Maybe love was trusting him enough to fall asleep in his arms with European winds blowing over us. Maybe it was when we tried to pull each other as close as possible and even when every last one of our body parts were held against each other it wasn’t close enough. Maybe that was love…
But it wasn’t, couldn’t have been. No, it wasn’t love. It was teen lust at its best. Hormones running wild with the chemicals in our overactive brains. It was a simple list of events… Like the notes thrown down from my window while he sat outside legally sipping beer. Like when he held my hands to warm them or the way he had the most sincere eyes I’ve ever seen. Like when we kissed and I couldn’t stop smiling or when we drank and couldn’t stop me from giggling… Yes… Just a simple list of events. Just a collection of meaningless happenings. It wasn’t love…
It was really early the day we all had to go home. We stood hugging in front of that elevator for what I wish had been forever. But all things have to end. And so I pulled away and he walked away and an hour later at the airport trying to muster “goodbye” was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been forced to do… I kissed him on the cheek and told him to drink and smoke less and I let him hold me. HOLD me. Hold me as tight as he could until the very second we had to go. Pennsylvania is an awful long way from California. Philadelphia to San Francisco. Long distance things don’t work and we knew going in that 10 days later it would have to be over. So I walked away and he pulled me back and I didn’t want him to ever let me go. But like I said, he had to…
To kill a mockingbird is rated third in most inspiring books right after the bible and the book of Mormon. Well, in that book Scout learned that courage is fighting a fight you know you’ll lose and fighting it anyways. But I’ll tell you one thing… Love is a fight you fight knowing you’ll lose but it’s not out of courage. No, not courage. It’s done out of stupidity and blinding hope. Out of want and yearning. Out of loneliness and need.
Now, I didn’t *LOVE* that 18 year old from the east coast. People my age don’t know how to love let alone what love really is… But we threw caution to the wind, and jumped in head first with the knowledge of the goodbye to come. It wasn’t love but I can easily say…. That I’ll never forget him. That when I’m old and gray and have a million baby grandchildren they’ll see the young girl I once was sparkle in my eye when I talk about my first summer romance. that I will be forever grateful to that one Kevin from Pennsylvania that showed me that I didn’t have to be angry at love, showed me how to just “go with it” and for giving me the greatest ten days of my life. For giving me that half moment passion.
I remember bus rides and lollipops and open windows and night skies and the Eiffel tower… Do you think *he* remembers the Eiffel tower? He was so confused. So oblivious. It was almost cute. The way I placed my arm against his chest, the way I pushed him against that wall, the way I kissed him as passionately as I knew how to kiss. We made eye contact for a moment, for half a moment, for a second, for barely a second. It was like fire. It was like hell. It was like being thrown into the pool at 7 to learn how to swim and the stingburn of taking half a breath underwater. A whisper, “sorry… I just figured it was my last chance to kiss someone on the Eiffel tower…” and I walked away. I walked away from half moment passion and half moment fire. I wonder if he remembers that…
Most present in my mind is that collapse. That feeling when I realized that yes, I DID have feelings for him. That maybe he COULD be something special. My head rested in his lap and the sun streamed in through windows. It was warm and I was half asleep. He looked down and smiled at me. I smiled back. And at that moment something inside me clicked. Something inside me fell. It was like my heart stopped and the world stopped and everything was crashing down. All the walls and fortresses built smashed down. It was like a breaking inside. And with that… I knew he’d gotten through. I knew that I’d never forget his smile or his eyes or that eyebrow ring that still hurt it was so newly pierced.
There are so many memories there, so many little things that made it all worth it. So much sweetness and tenderness, the kind that you lose after your first betrayal and never gain again. He had it. I was angry at the world and wanted nothing to do with trust or attachment or any of the emotions that come right before love… Thinking back now… If I’d been given a couple more days with him it probably would have been love… Maybe it was love… Maybe love was that night in Amsterdam when he refused to go out with his friends because if he spent the night with me it’d be more meaningful. Maybe love was trusting him enough to fall asleep in his arms with European winds blowing over us. Maybe it was when we tried to pull each other as close as possible and even when every last one of our body parts were held against each other it wasn’t close enough. Maybe that was love…
But it wasn’t, couldn’t have been. No, it wasn’t love. It was teen lust at its best. Hormones running wild with the chemicals in our overactive brains. It was a simple list of events… Like the notes thrown down from my window while he sat outside legally sipping beer. Like when he held my hands to warm them or the way he had the most sincere eyes I’ve ever seen. Like when we kissed and I couldn’t stop smiling or when we drank and couldn’t stop me from giggling… Yes… Just a simple list of events. Just a collection of meaningless happenings. It wasn’t love…
It was really early the day we all had to go home. We stood hugging in front of that elevator for what I wish had been forever. But all things have to end. And so I pulled away and he walked away and an hour later at the airport trying to muster “goodbye” was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been forced to do… I kissed him on the cheek and told him to drink and smoke less and I let him hold me. HOLD me. Hold me as tight as he could until the very second we had to go. Pennsylvania is an awful long way from California. Philadelphia to San Francisco. Long distance things don’t work and we knew going in that 10 days later it would have to be over. So I walked away and he pulled me back and I didn’t want him to ever let me go. But like I said, he had to…
To kill a mockingbird is rated third in most inspiring books right after the bible and the book of Mormon. Well, in that book Scout learned that courage is fighting a fight you know you’ll lose and fighting it anyways. But I’ll tell you one thing… Love is a fight you fight knowing you’ll lose but it’s not out of courage. No, not courage. It’s done out of stupidity and blinding hope. Out of want and yearning. Out of loneliness and need.
Now, I didn’t *LOVE* that 18 year old from the east coast. People my age don’t know how to love let alone what love really is… But we threw caution to the wind, and jumped in head first with the knowledge of the goodbye to come. It wasn’t love but I can easily say…. That I’ll never forget him. That when I’m old and gray and have a million baby grandchildren they’ll see the young girl I once was sparkle in my eye when I talk about my first summer romance. that I will be forever grateful to that one Kevin from Pennsylvania that showed me that I didn’t have to be angry at love, showed me how to just “go with it” and for giving me the greatest ten days of my life. For giving me that half moment passion.
And yet.. through it all.. i can't help but remember the way it felt to kiss you. remember the sun in my eyes and the break in my heart. I wish i didn't remember you.
Now, if only you could just remember me...
Remember the things you once told me you loved...
... Could our Summer Love ever rival winter?....
Now, if only you could just remember me...
Remember the things you once told me you loved...
... Could our Summer Love ever rival winter?....
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Sunday, December 07, 2003
I wish there were a little switch in my brain So i could turn all of this off inside of me. So i could take the time to sort all the cluttered memories out. Replace all those hard things with happy memories and gently brush away the tiny cracks, the tiny hurts, the tiny scars...
A switch to turn all the pain off... to forget the way this feels...
A switch to turn all the pain off... to forget the way this feels...
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
Symptoms:
1) cold sweat. you know.. shivering and sweating at once
2) Fever. apparently it was raging. it felt like my body was on fire. went down after taking a fever reducer?
3) nose issues. sneezing, sniffling, running...
4) sharp ear pain. Maybe an ear infection. or maybe i'm just a hypochondriac.
5) headaches. the kind where you're convinced your head is gonna 'splode
6) naseousness/dizziness
7) tiredness.
maybe i'll go to school tomorrow? mabye i won't? i dunno... we'll see how i feel tomorrow morning...
1) cold sweat. you know.. shivering and sweating at once
2) Fever. apparently it was raging. it felt like my body was on fire. went down after taking a fever reducer?
3) nose issues. sneezing, sniffling, running...
4) sharp ear pain. Maybe an ear infection. or maybe i'm just a hypochondriac.
5) headaches. the kind where you're convinced your head is gonna 'splode
6) naseousness/dizziness
7) tiredness.
maybe i'll go to school tomorrow? mabye i won't? i dunno... we'll see how i feel tomorrow morning...
Sunday, November 30, 2003
Saturday, November 29, 2003
Friday, November 28, 2003
Sometimes i realize that i have way too many things that i regret...
to list a few?
1) giving myself to *him.* it was all i had left and he took it happily but it meant nothing to him. just like i mean nothing to him. and i don't understand why i keep letting myself hurt over him.
2) letting myself lose you. (ther'es jsut so many "you's" that i'll simply leave it at that. )
3) lerch. ew. enough said.
4) not reading hamlet. heheh
Days...
to list a few?
1) giving myself to *him.* it was all i had left and he took it happily but it meant nothing to him. just like i mean nothing to him. and i don't understand why i keep letting myself hurt over him.
2) letting myself lose you. (ther'es jsut so many "you's" that i'll simply leave it at that. )
3) lerch. ew. enough said.
4) not reading hamlet. heheh
Days...
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Sunday, November 23, 2003
I feel so lost... so small. so tiny. so little. Like i'm 4 again the day before christmas in an overly crowded mall. all alone with everyone pushing and shoving past as the world seem to get larger and i got smaller and my fears were going crazy in my head and the tears streaming down my face and the screams echoing. but still being ignored. That day, eventually, a stranger picked me up, a crowd began and my parents came rushing back all in a matter of 10 minutes. this time i've lost myself and only i can find me again. Find what i really want and what will really be most beneficial. I need to pick myself up, figure out whats wrong through all the confusion and tears, and then do my best to find my happiness. Because if i can't then no one else will. and i shouldn't need everyone to convince me to act upon my own interests.
grrrr. today i had some serious issues shaving. hehehe
first i.. heh... well.. i cut myself in a place where you REALLY don't want a cut. :coughdowncoughtherecough: OUCH!
and then i cut my ankle while shaving my legs. there goes **my** running streak of having NEVER cut myself while shaving my legs. grrrr. later on i put a bandaid on it.. mostly cause i like bandaids, not cause it was THAT bad that i needed one.
AND THEN!!! while shaving my legs my hair got in the way so i go to flip my hair outa my face with that whole girly head twitch shake throw thing.. you knwo teh kind... the type they have in commercials so girls toss thier hair from side to side... well... usually doin' that works out for me... but it threw of fmy balance and i almost liek HARDCORE ate it. i almost wished that someone had been there to laugh at me with me. ...
... any takers? hehe
first i.. heh... well.. i cut myself in a place where you REALLY don't want a cut. :coughdowncoughtherecough: OUCH!
and then i cut my ankle while shaving my legs. there goes **my** running streak of having NEVER cut myself while shaving my legs. grrrr. later on i put a bandaid on it.. mostly cause i like bandaids, not cause it was THAT bad that i needed one.
AND THEN!!! while shaving my legs my hair got in the way so i go to flip my hair outa my face with that whole girly head twitch shake throw thing.. you knwo teh kind... the type they have in commercials so girls toss thier hair from side to side... well... usually doin' that works out for me... but it threw of fmy balance and i almost liek HARDCORE ate it. i almost wished that someone had been there to laugh at me with me. ...
... any takers? hehe
Things to note about my day:
1. i've listened to brand new all day.
2. i won toys at Dave and Busters
3. i only cried once. it was half a moment
4. i've chewed my lip so hardcore that it's bleeding in a couple places
5. I'm home alone.
6. My car smells like weed my house smells like weed and i'ven't smoked ANY of it.
7. I met my cousin's boyfriend. Seemed like a good kdi. not for me to judge anyways.
8. i've eaten until sick
9. I watched Finding Nemo again. i can't remember who i watched it with the first time.
10. i updated my calendar.
I want to say i had a good day because it has all the right ingredients but in reality.. it was terrible. i'm sorry...
1. i've listened to brand new all day.
2. i won toys at Dave and Busters
3. i only cried once. it was half a moment
4. i've chewed my lip so hardcore that it's bleeding in a couple places
5. I'm home alone.
6. My car smells like weed my house smells like weed and i'ven't smoked ANY of it.
7. I met my cousin's boyfriend. Seemed like a good kdi. not for me to judge anyways.
8. i've eaten until sick
9. I watched Finding Nemo again. i can't remember who i watched it with the first time.
10. i updated my calendar.
I want to say i had a good day because it has all the right ingredients but in reality.. it was terrible. i'm sorry...
My weekend has gone wonderfully.
on top of everything i also found out that my sister's departure is being pushed from jan. 11th to dec. 26th. a mere day after chirstmas. how could they!?
how can this behappening?! I love her *so* much. i need her so much. how am i uspposed to LIVE without her?! who's going to love me? who's going to be there???? I can't even begin to tell her how much i need her or miss her because i know she needs this. I love her and because of that i cannot place any guilt or hindrance on her leaving becaus ei know this is what she wants. I love her *so* much that i coudln't bear to ask her to stay for me. she isn't doing this to me. she's doing it for her. of all people she deserves that. deserves happiness.
and so. i will tell her i love her, i'll never stop, i'll always be here, and that i hope this happiness she is working on works out for her.
And on other hands...
cu-cu-cu-controversial.
on top of everything i also found out that my sister's departure is being pushed from jan. 11th to dec. 26th. a mere day after chirstmas. how could they!?
how can this behappening?! I love her *so* much. i need her so much. how am i uspposed to LIVE without her?! who's going to love me? who's going to be there???? I can't even begin to tell her how much i need her or miss her because i know she needs this. I love her and because of that i cannot place any guilt or hindrance on her leaving becaus ei know this is what she wants. I love her *so* much that i coudln't bear to ask her to stay for me. she isn't doing this to me. she's doing it for her. of all people she deserves that. deserves happiness.
and so. i will tell her i love her, i'll never stop, i'll always be here, and that i hope this happiness she is working on works out for her.
And on other hands...
cu-cu-cu-controversial.
Saturday, November 22, 2003
This morning the sun somehow shone directly through my window. I can't recall the last time it has. My room was still cold. With teh sunin my eyes I began to cry again. It only lasted a moment.
i keep trying to remember that big girls don't cry. sydney's don't cry....
Then why are my eyes so swollen and i can't seem to breathe?
i keep trying to remember that big girls don't cry. sydney's don't cry....
Then why are my eyes so swollen and i can't seem to breathe?
Friday, November 21, 2003
Thursday, November 20, 2003
I wish I knew what to tell you... But nothing seems right. There isn't enough time or space or words to etll it all, express it all. and so it feels like i'm saying half truth's again. But i know it is all i know how to say. I just wish you knew how much you meant to me.... and how much he did too....
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
wow... long time no blog.
ok, wow. that was incredibly dorky of me to say.. but.. erhm.. what *is* there to say? i can't seem to think of much...
we've been reading hamlet in class an i really like it. i can't read it so easily but when i read aloud or watch it it's easy as pie. hehe. maybe not pie. but at least i think i get it.
Hey tiffany, I have a new quater for you... if you don't have it already. I've got missouri. hehehehe. home of the mo'fuckin' inbreds, yo! hella lick your elbow! (mwahah. i rhymed. i'm a rapper.) but erh... there's like two rows of trees on the side and a river with a boat and a bunch of peopel in the center.. it says "corps of discovery." they're liars. they ain't cores o' no damn shit. i think it might supposed to be sacagawea, lews and clark? i dunno.. my random guess. or just people.
ANYWAYS...
let's see... what's new with me? erhm.. i'm doin' a bit better at that whole "student" bit... i've got a job interview in HMB today and one tomorrow in Montara. I'm hopin' more for th first.
let's see.... what else is tehre to say? i finished my letter to Kevin but couldn't think of what to send in a package. maybe i'll jsut send the letter and the candy>? heh. dissapointment, major, eh? it's not like he deserves it anyways... he hasn't sent me anything. hell, not even an Email. and he only talks to me online cause *i* instant message *him.* it's petty but what're ya gonna do?
:sigh: i've been so terrible moody lately. i'll blame it on my period. damn bleeding vagina. it's DISGUSTING. lol. it's just that when i get so tired i get depressed... and it's hard to avoid...
or maybe i just get really tired when depressed... either way, it doesn't matter...
oh. and for fun time's sake.. Andrea and justin sittin' in a tree. k-i-s-s-i-n-g. first comes love then comes marriage then comes a baby in a baby carriage!
ok... so.. maybe that was a little much. sorry...
You wanna get in the zone? Britney's new CD came out yesterday. i didn't buy it. Grace did. i burned it. (looks down in shame) piracy. Honey come's out the 5th. it's exciting.
and as a departing thought... Have you ever read in stories, books, and things of the such the line or something of the sort... "we kissed liek we were teenagers again" or basically teh same idea? well.. i have. at least a couple times. it makes me think (yes everyone is sick of me and my thinking) but.... what's teh difference between kissing now and kissing when your (i'm) older? how do teenagers kiss that adults don't normally? is it more passion? is it because teens kiss more openly? more wantingly? kiss more? does that mean when we grow older we just stop kissing as much? that it doesn't hold that same magic? that same meaning? what **is** it that really makes teh difference?? i've asked Riordan and he said that it's the fact that when your young every kiss has the chance and possibility of sex behind it.. is that REALLY all that is? i don't know.. either way... the thought scares me.
I never want to grow old....
ok, wow. that was incredibly dorky of me to say.. but.. erhm.. what *is* there to say? i can't seem to think of much...
we've been reading hamlet in class an i really like it. i can't read it so easily but when i read aloud or watch it it's easy as pie. hehe. maybe not pie. but at least i think i get it.
Hey tiffany, I have a new quater for you... if you don't have it already. I've got missouri. hehehehe. home of the mo'fuckin' inbreds, yo! hella lick your elbow! (mwahah. i rhymed. i'm a rapper.) but erh... there's like two rows of trees on the side and a river with a boat and a bunch of peopel in the center.. it says "corps of discovery." they're liars. they ain't cores o' no damn shit. i think it might supposed to be sacagawea, lews and clark? i dunno.. my random guess. or just people.
ANYWAYS...
let's see... what's new with me? erhm.. i'm doin' a bit better at that whole "student" bit... i've got a job interview in HMB today and one tomorrow in Montara. I'm hopin' more for th first.
let's see.... what else is tehre to say? i finished my letter to Kevin but couldn't think of what to send in a package. maybe i'll jsut send the letter and the candy>? heh. dissapointment, major, eh? it's not like he deserves it anyways... he hasn't sent me anything. hell, not even an Email. and he only talks to me online cause *i* instant message *him.* it's petty but what're ya gonna do?
:sigh: i've been so terrible moody lately. i'll blame it on my period. damn bleeding vagina. it's DISGUSTING. lol. it's just that when i get so tired i get depressed... and it's hard to avoid...
or maybe i just get really tired when depressed... either way, it doesn't matter...
oh. and for fun time's sake.. Andrea and justin sittin' in a tree. k-i-s-s-i-n-g. first comes love then comes marriage then comes a baby in a baby carriage!
ok... so.. maybe that was a little much. sorry...
You wanna get in the zone? Britney's new CD came out yesterday. i didn't buy it. Grace did. i burned it. (looks down in shame) piracy. Honey come's out the 5th. it's exciting.
and as a departing thought... Have you ever read in stories, books, and things of the such the line or something of the sort... "we kissed liek we were teenagers again" or basically teh same idea? well.. i have. at least a couple times. it makes me think (yes everyone is sick of me and my thinking) but.... what's teh difference between kissing now and kissing when your (i'm) older? how do teenagers kiss that adults don't normally? is it more passion? is it because teens kiss more openly? more wantingly? kiss more? does that mean when we grow older we just stop kissing as much? that it doesn't hold that same magic? that same meaning? what **is** it that really makes teh difference?? i've asked Riordan and he said that it's the fact that when your young every kiss has the chance and possibility of sex behind it.. is that REALLY all that is? i don't know.. either way... the thought scares me.
I never want to grow old....
Saturday, November 15, 2003
Friday, November 14, 2003
And more "exploding" goodtime fun for the kids....
http://www.explodingdog.com/aug3/iloveyou.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/sept27/fulloflove.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/june7/complicated.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/june7/lovedme.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/june7/itriedtohold.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/august6/temphappy.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/august6/wheresmyambition.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/august6/andthenwe.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/august6/fallingstars.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/january1/ithoughtyoulovedmemoretha.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/january1/mendyourheartwiththethread.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/january1/lookatthestars.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/january2/ilovedyouatthewrongtimes.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/aug3/iloveyou.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/sept27/fulloflove.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/june7/complicated.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/june7/lovedme.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/june7/itriedtohold.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/august6/temphappy.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/august6/wheresmyambition.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/august6/andthenwe.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/august6/fallingstars.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/january1/ithoughtyoulovedmemoretha.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/january1/mendyourheartwiththethread.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/january1/lookatthestars.html
http://www.explodingdog.com/january2/ilovedyouatthewrongtimes.html
Sometimes i just get SO damn tired and lazy i wish i could fall down them rather than have to walk. and sometimes, when i'm really hungry and i don't want to get up i'll start biting myself. OH! and sometimes i get so bored stuff myself until i'm on the verge of throwing up. And then i sleep it off.
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Monday, November 10, 2003
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Monday, November 03, 2003
there's a whole lot i can say about what he's said but i'll just sum it up with... he misses me. or so he says. i feel like last resort. like he doesn't miss me at all but he's just so desperate and lonely he's begun to tell himself he misses me. And while it's nice to hear and all... it just feels bogus. like he's just using me as a passing amusement and the SECOND he gets busy with something else i'll be forgotten again. not only can i NOT feel for kevin again because it hurts too goddamned much to know it's impossible but i can't feel for him again and have to deal with him abandoning me again. i couldn't deal with being neglected again. i did it once and i refuse to open myself up to him only to force myself to close. :sigh: i just can't let him hurt me again because if i let him back into my life i know he'll hurt me. Hell, this is ALREADY hurting and he hasn't even done anything.
Does this make him my one that got away?
Does this make him my one that got away?
Friday, October 31, 2003
Thursday, October 30, 2003
I never do these things but here....
oh. and you can give thanks to Kevin for this one. i couldn't help but take it?
I'm a Strawberry Daiqery, discover your ALcoHoLiC personality!
oh. and you can give thanks to Kevin for this one. i couldn't help but take it?
I'm a Strawberry Daiqery, discover your ALcoHoLiC personality!
I write in this thing less and less... and when i do it's when i get SO emotional i overflow into here. so i'm sorry if all my entries seem upset or sad or depressing or angry. cause usually.. i AM those. i mean... if i were HAPPY why the FUCK would i sit at my computer to talk about it!? why not ya know.. go out and BE happy. and so that's JUST what i do... Halloween tomorrow. my grandma's bday today and i TOTALLY forgot. i feel like SUCH a fucking asshole. gggrrrrrr wrote a letter to Kevin just for the hell of it (no emotional cry baby-ness) and i watch dark angel like NO other. that's the end of my story.
Monday, October 27, 2003
Honestly? I hate you. you digust me SO intensely that when i'm with you i want to hurl. everything about you. everything i once invested in you. I once believed everyone deserved a second chance. that it was my duty to forgive and forget. third chances aren't given and i hope you know that you weren't ever worth forgiving.
and to reiterate... you make me sick.
and to reiterate... you make me sick.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
ew. bad morning. bad sleep. i kept waking the fuck up and so FINALLY at what i think is 9 o clock i decide to call it quits and just lay in bed. i'ev woken up angry, bitter, irritable, and having a party in my poll of selfpity. ohdear god i LOVE mornings like these. and THEN i discover stupid mother fucking daylight goddamned savings! i didn't wake up at 9 o clck like my handy not so smart alarm clock told me. i woke up at 8. EIGHT!!! sydney tan was awoken at 8 in the FUCKING morning on a sunday. and then my mom comes in... (grumbles underbreath) to use my computer to buy tickets to Disney on ice wearing *my* clothes. no. not just my clothes... but my favorite pair of pajama pants that yes. stupidly enough i decided nto to wear (in my stupid little head it worked out under the category of "save teh best for last) and one of my tank tops. gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i give her evil looks as she sit here shaking the mouse for several moments before realizing THE FUCKING COMPUTER ISN'T ON DAMNIT!!! and then she asks em to move the computer. MOVE THE COMPUTER. she can go suck my dick. "blah blah blah your room is always so messy. i hate having to come in here balh blah blah" shove it up your FUCKING asss!!!! i'm SORRY you don't fucking care about me any goddamned more caus eyou have a new play thing and i'm jsut old and dirty. i'm sorry you don't even care enough to say i love you on my goddamned birthday. that i didn't get anything and that EVERYONE i cared about but my parents made my day. she leaves while i curse her beneath my blankets. and then i came online. the poor boy brandon IMs me and i just GO AT IT. all of this you've just read? he had to deal with and try to calm me down. poor poor boy. he should hate me by now. so here i am. still VERY angry, bitter, and irratible but now i'm incredibly cold (stupid hole in the fucking cieling and all that damn wind outside) and horribly hungry. oh. and by the way. i've got a jillion mesquito bites and one just flew INTO the little breathy hole gaps of my computer. HAH. take that mother fucker.
Friday, October 24, 2003
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Sunday, October 19, 2003
it's a world of not working out and broken down dreams and castles in the sky being drowned out in misery. it's so hard not to get discouraged and just give it all up when the world just keeps attacking and a burden gets heavier and heavier as the days pass. and it's like every secret is just one more stone to the pile, one more knife to stab in all those soft places we wish we could protect better. Love is worse than a simple double edged sword. it's a million lies and burning eyes just tearing hearts apart. it's gasoline doused clouds set afire by a burning sun.
.:. This is my heart torn apart .:.
.:. This is my heart torn apart .:.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
It gets so cold here at night. so horribly heart wrenching emotionally draining cold. Shivering under my mountain of blankets and tear soaked pillows. tossing and turning unable to escape my reality of pain. burrowing further into sheets unfeeling and a loneliness that digs even deeper. Being ripped from conscieness into a harsher dream world with rough touches and cold shoulders and tragedies witnessed. Of loves lost and broken and hearts ripped from chests still beating. of blood and anger and running though hallways so afraid. I'm runnign so fast and i'm not going anywhere.
but nothing can stop me from wishing...
of just drifting off to sleep warm and happy. nicely and perfectly just slip into cotton candy dreams and bubble gum greatness. with a million pastel colors and the sorta stuff dreams are supposed to be made of... of warm kisses and friendships that work out and i can believe in love. of sunny days and window love. or shining stars and hot hot nights. I want to float off into fantasy land clouds of the most beautiful colors and "happily ever afters." I just want all thsoe sweet dreams you never wished me.
but nothing can stop me from wishing...
of just drifting off to sleep warm and happy. nicely and perfectly just slip into cotton candy dreams and bubble gum greatness. with a million pastel colors and the sorta stuff dreams are supposed to be made of... of warm kisses and friendships that work out and i can believe in love. of sunny days and window love. or shining stars and hot hot nights. I want to float off into fantasy land clouds of the most beautiful colors and "happily ever afters." I just want all thsoe sweet dreams you never wished me.
Sunday, October 12, 2003
I wrote a really long entry that took form into this sort of poem type deal... I re-read for the sake of proofreading and have deemed it too much for something as frill-grand as a blog. It's all summed up in:
Empty, sad eyes in the mirror; a frown too deep; shaking hands that reveal your anxiety; scarred arms; bruised legs; aching feet; a look so distant that you hope and pray to the god that had forsaken you years ago that this couldn't possibly be you. THis isn't you. It couldn't be. WEren't you once sunshine and innocence? weren't you happiness and a bubble that was yet to burst? goodness and a smile?
And it's entirity will be hidden and stored away for none to see or read.
*I wish i could give you the depths of my soul but i know you'll no longer love me.*
Empty, sad eyes in the mirror; a frown too deep; shaking hands that reveal your anxiety; scarred arms; bruised legs; aching feet; a look so distant that you hope and pray to the god that had forsaken you years ago that this couldn't possibly be you. THis isn't you. It couldn't be. WEren't you once sunshine and innocence? weren't you happiness and a bubble that was yet to burst? goodness and a smile?
And it's entirity will be hidden and stored away for none to see or read.
*I wish i could give you the depths of my soul but i know you'll no longer love me.*
Friday, October 10, 2003
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Monday, October 06, 2003
it's my bday soon and i've no reason to celebrate and no one to celebrate WITH. every year my bday has been SPECIAL. i mean i've always been miserable but it's always been special. something JUST for me and this year i'm not gonna do ANYthing and no ones going to care and even if i COULD think of something i couldn't POSSIBLY get all the people i would WANT to celebrate together because their hate and secrets overpowers whatever importance i MAY have to them. and it KILLS me that the people *i* care most about can't even sit in the same goddamned room and be decent to one another. it's bad enough that my family can't even begin to get along. that the BEST they can do is sit silently across the room from each other. it's bad enough. and i mean at least i had my FRIENDS that could do taht. ya know, put aside their differences because they knew it was important to me, but i don't even have THAT anymore. Maybe it's selfish and childish of me but all the goddamned lies we're telling one another, all these secrets we're keeping. all this shit being thrown. it gets a little fucking ridiculous. and not to say my hands are clean. they're nowhere close to clean but is it REALLY so much to ask to be able to love the people i do with OUT feeling guilty for doing so?! I guess it is... cause it isn't going to happen.
Even warring countries can momentarily call peace in repect for obervance of certain religous holidays.
Even warring countries can momentarily call peace in repect for obervance of certain religous holidays.
For the velveteen rabbit to beceom real he needed to be loved to a point of pain, needed to a point of death. torn apart, ripped to peices, faded, jaded, and then rejected. for him to be real he was poisoned, so tainted-dirty-bad and thrown away. his love was useless.
only then did his real life begin.
only then did his real life begin.
Sunday, October 05, 2003
Tears hidden, the sun beating down, the waves just a few feet away. The lights. the salsa music in the bathroom as i tried so hard not to hyperventilate, your questions, your comments, the blank stare and i'm not eating again. I'm going nowhere again and running blades across my skin in the daylight of my car all alone again but this time not so hard cause i'm too afraid and not leaving a mark and not even cutting just wishing i were because there's no reason worth this pain again. back and forth, jumping over seats, don't say a word, silence is key. they can't know they affect you if you never say a thing. paranoia and illegal happenings in your basement, cheat until you've over acheived, fake it until it's real, and i'll hide until it shows through. the games we play and the day is barely even over.
Saturday, October 04, 2003
Last night i had a dream of love and nightclubs. it was dark and i couldn't stay. His hands running all over, our bodies moving, the music so loud we could barely breathe. I had to leave. the dance was over. he was angry. "don't be such a jerk." as an apology he put his arm around me. THat's what i remember most. his arms around me...
"Cry your meaningless tears, your silent sobs, your secret leaking emotion. This emotional turmoil isn't new and it isn't known. it's a public secret. He broke your heart behind closed doors, everyone knows it. But you've got to understand one thing... He didn't want to, he had to. He couldn't love you if you weren't good enough. You don't have what it takes to make him stay, did you really expect him to? From the beginning you knew he'd leave you. When it started you knew you'd end it torn. You coudln't possibly keep yourself together. He was important to you, your first with everything, second to nothing. You were convinced he cared, that he wouldn't break you. tarnish your heart. Oh, you poor broken creature. how could you have forseen the way it would rip you apart in places you didn't even know could hurt? You couldn't have. Keep on crying, time will console your bitter memory..."
Friday, October 03, 2003
Thursday, October 02, 2003
Too many secrets kept. touches unwanted, beatings taken, lives lost and wasted. too many secrets kept. too many secrets told. midnight whispers, small vocabularies, and things gone by unnoticed. The secrets within me stored. all their secrets. all their secrets. all their secrets. they've told me all thier secrets and i'll store them in my heart. let them have me. let them hurt me. let them eat me alive cause i won't ever tell. your deepest darkest secrets, don't worry, they're safe with me. don't worry, they're gaurded with me. don't worry, i'll take them, keep them. save them as reminders that bad things happen to the people I love the most, the people I need the most, the people i wish i could protect the most. BUt i can't, i never could, never will be able to. Instead i'll take these, your secrets, the dark scary things you keep locked in your minds and give you nightmares at night. I'll take them and let you say them and let them haunt me too. but never as they do to you. never the feelings that suffocate you at night, never the guilt, the shame, the pain. only the sinking feeling and the knowledge. I'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry that such things had to happen. sorry for the hits, the strips, the things that make murder. I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault and there was nothign i could have done. i couldn't have been there an di couldn't have known but i'm sorry. Sorry because it hurts you. because i love you so much it rips me apart and i wish nothing could ever hurt. that your invinciblity could last, that it was real, that it could be me and i could always come in harm's way for you. I would always ruch into harms way for you. for all those secrets, all those monters ripping away at your insides. I'd take them away if i could, take them as my own if i could, take each and every, each and every blow. if i could. Too many secrets kept and they're mine too, now. Mine to keep, to eat, to let poison me. Swallowed down and tears held back because this is not my story, not my secret. Just yours. i'm so sorry. so sorry. so sorry that i can't forget and am hurt for you everytime i look in your eyes. Hur tbecause i know the terror you keep behind them.
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Monday, September 29, 2003
When I was a kid I'd pray everynight. i'd ask god to please bless all the people i loved, liked, disliked, and hated. I didn't find it fair that just because i didn't like someone they shouldn't be blessed so i'd list them too. and then i'd realize that it was also unfair to go ublessed just because i didn't know them and i'd get so frustrated thinking of people i didn't know every night that i'd cry.
Sunday, September 28, 2003
Moving too fast and i can't hit the break. spinning out of control. flying into disaster. sirens. the rush. the calls. THe Lies. Wind rushing by and whistling too loud to handle. Memories flooding. backseats, redlights, tree swings, beaches, smells still lingering, tears still falling. Can't slow down and can't breathe and i'm being hit over and over again. Scenery blurs by and i can't see a thing. details forgotten, importance lost. Just need to get somewhere. Just need out of here.
Friday, September 26, 2003
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Sunday, September 21, 2003
I have so much to tell you and i can't even begin to start. where DO i start? what is there to say? how will you take it and will you leav eme? still love me? decide to keep me at arms length again? what will you say behind my back and what will you really think? What if you knew the whole truth and nothign but the trut? what if i were brave enough to let this all out. to let this all go and maybe put in an effort. what would happen if i weren't so afraid of giving and so prone to taking? what would happen if i weren't so afraid? weren't so afraid? what could happen if i weren't so afraid?
Thursday, September 18, 2003
oh. btw. when i napped i had this REALLY wierd dream that Charel sat next to me in class and i kept asking him why he was being so nice to me and that i was NOT his friend and why was he sitting next to me?! He said that "didn't i know we're secret friends too???" I was a little wierded out when i woke up. In my dream Charel looked more like "ornery boy" from that one silly comic i read....
So I didn't go to school today...
well, i did. I woke up and didn't want to go but i forced myself up and i went. I was even at school on time. :sigh:
3rd period i began to feel REALLY sick. like i couldn't breathe and i couldn't sit up and i really just wanted to die. yes, DIE. it was terrible. like i couldn't breathe and sharp pains in my stomach and like my entire chest ACHED. I could barely sit up it was so intense for a moment or two.
I went home after english missing PE, lunch detention, and Chemisty. :shrug: i wouldn't've been ablet o concentrate feeling that terrible anyways. Swerving home, stumbling into my house i tore my clothes off (i felt caught in them?) grabbed my blanket and lay down.
From 11 am - 4 pm i slept. Quite the unrestful sleep. I woke up every once and again for a moment or two to moan "i think i'm dying..." (cause if you didn't know already everything is killing me). At 4:30 or so Jenna calls me and we talk for a bit. Then i call tiffany. we talk for a bit. Then my whole family leaves to Sonny's and here i am. That was *my* day.
ughk. i feel like mass amounts of shit. won't someone just shoot me alerady??!
well, i did. I woke up and didn't want to go but i forced myself up and i went. I was even at school on time. :sigh:
3rd period i began to feel REALLY sick. like i couldn't breathe and i couldn't sit up and i really just wanted to die. yes, DIE. it was terrible. like i couldn't breathe and sharp pains in my stomach and like my entire chest ACHED. I could barely sit up it was so intense for a moment or two.
I went home after english missing PE, lunch detention, and Chemisty. :shrug: i wouldn't've been ablet o concentrate feeling that terrible anyways. Swerving home, stumbling into my house i tore my clothes off (i felt caught in them?) grabbed my blanket and lay down.
From 11 am - 4 pm i slept. Quite the unrestful sleep. I woke up every once and again for a moment or two to moan "i think i'm dying..." (cause if you didn't know already everything is killing me). At 4:30 or so Jenna calls me and we talk for a bit. Then i call tiffany. we talk for a bit. Then my whole family leaves to Sonny's and here i am. That was *my* day.
ughk. i feel like mass amounts of shit. won't someone just shoot me alerady??!
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
At school living this miserablelife. Feeling morbid and pessimistic, at least, more than usual.
have you ever wondered of theimpossibility of love, magic, and beauty?
There's nothing in this real world but saddness and death and slowly it seeps into our bones. Is it so wrong that i've always hoped for more?
*even in you?*
have you ever wondered of theimpossibility of love, magic, and beauty?
There's nothing in this real world but saddness and death and slowly it seeps into our bones. Is it so wrong that i've always hoped for more?
*even in you?*
Monday, September 15, 2003
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Friday, September 12, 2003
Happy Times:
out with friends
in the arms of boy
sunlight through windows
bonding with my cousin
nights with my sister
midnight conversations
the question game
warm nights and warmer days
when the sun doesn't begin to set until 8
reconnecting with an old friend
secrets shared
hugs
kisses
eyes closed moments
whispering
flowers given
Bad times:
thursdays
waking up late
goodbyes
reading too much
thinking too much
feeling trapped in a too real world
having to learn through mistakes
abandonments
childhood memories
sad realizations
a homeless man's eyes dulled and grey
wrong choices too late seen
drifting
held back by fear
keeping secrets
physical sickness
loneliness
distance
out with friends
in the arms of boy
sunlight through windows
bonding with my cousin
nights with my sister
midnight conversations
the question game
warm nights and warmer days
when the sun doesn't begin to set until 8
reconnecting with an old friend
secrets shared
hugs
kisses
eyes closed moments
whispering
flowers given
Bad times:
thursdays
waking up late
goodbyes
reading too much
thinking too much
feeling trapped in a too real world
having to learn through mistakes
abandonments
childhood memories
sad realizations
a homeless man's eyes dulled and grey
wrong choices too late seen
drifting
held back by fear
keeping secrets
physical sickness
loneliness
distance
Thursday, September 11, 2003
I feel all dirty messy greasey even though today i showered extra long to try and wash it all away. I leaned against the wet cold warm hard walls of the shower forcing myself to breathe normal happy breaths and force the gnarl nappy angry demons out of me. No matter how much the streaming bathroom water scalded or how long i stayed in the steamy foggy dim yellow shower all of the screaming and sighing inside me wouldn't stop. my throat clogged with hot water filth and the smell of so many soaps cauing me to gag and choke. My hair knots itself into mean ugly monster tanngles and my skin itches with a thousand little invisible bug bug bites and this room seems too large to house such a tiny lonely creature like me. Summer smells of dirt, heat, and far away giggles drift in through my window with sounds of cut grass, dogs barking, and a bird of prey circling the sky. The phone is ringing it's polyphonic tune-y ring that sends glitter and swing into the air. I don't know who it is and it lies across the room from me. there is no use in answering. i'll only act awful and say awful things and regret it later...
I'm going to hide underneath my bed as i've been doing a majority of the day until night falls. The waning moon can be my angel.
I'm going to hide underneath my bed as i've been doing a majority of the day until night falls. The waning moon can be my angel.
Once someone told me that when i smiled my eyes did too. THat they lit up and i became so bright i was beautiful. It was a long time ago when i was younger and i spent years hiding behind my smiling eyes, my shining eyes. Hiding all the sadness and fear and hurt and anger. Hiding everything. They hid so much that they dulled. My eyes hold no brightness. No happiness. No light and smiles. Just a frightened little girl with a pout playing along her lips.
Won't you see that i'm not worth any time or effort? that i'm nothing special so you've no reason to love me?
*nothing is real anymore*
Won't you see that i'm not worth any time or effort? that i'm nothing special so you've no reason to love me?
*nothing is real anymore*
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Last night i had a dream.
I found my secret agent lover man and he kissed me hard and i LOVED it. He kissed passionately and sweetly and roughly and softly and everything i've been waiting for. All in a kiss. HIs hands avoided and held and pulled and pushed and grabbed and it was uncontrollable.
it was passion. pure passion-lust. such great amounts of it. :sigh:
I found my secret agent lover man and he kissed me hard and i LOVED it. He kissed passionately and sweetly and roughly and softly and everything i've been waiting for. All in a kiss. HIs hands avoided and held and pulled and pushed and grabbed and it was uncontrollable.
it was passion. pure passion-lust. such great amounts of it. :sigh:
Sunday, September 07, 2003
I fucking hate you so much because i refuse not to care. because i'm the one that's still sticking up for you behind your goddamned back and you can't even take teh time to notice that i DO care. i hate you because you refuse to let ANYTHING good in. because everything is the worst thing on earth and you're a cynical bitch. because i've loved you for as long as i've known you and you've always pushed me away. Because everything with you is black and white and always your fault. I hate that you can't EVER see. open you're fucking eyes. take it all in. You think i don't know you're throwing your life away?
... i'll be surprised if you live ...
... i'll be surprised if you live ...
Good night. In night. Tiffany wanted to hang out with me but i wanted to stay in. i've got open house. so i invite her and andrea over. As they get here i'm talking to adolfo on the phone. Tiffany takes over. convinces him to come over. the girls and i start the movie. about half an hour later ADolfo comes. HE BRINGS GIFTS!! soda, tea, and PIIZZAA!!!!! we finish the mvoie chatting all throughout and whatnot.... and then...
THE LIGHTS GO OUT! (i mean we turn them off. not in a no electricity sorta way)
the musics on... hehehe. i'll leave it at that. the fun all secret like ;)
THE LIGHTS GO OUT! (i mean we turn them off. not in a no electricity sorta way)
the musics on... hehehe. i'll leave it at that. the fun all secret like ;)
Saturday, September 06, 2003
Friday, September 05, 2003
Several weeks ago i found out that my older sister is moving out in January. Moving out and away. Far times away. A far so far it's undrivable. She's made the desicsion to move to Hawaii for college.
it's only just beginning to sink in. on my way home today i almost began to cry.
Reasons i'll miss my sister:
1. she's been my idol since i was 4.
2. she's my SISTER
3. there'll be no one to say goodnight to me
4. I'll be home alone every weekend.
5. I'll have no one to wait up for.
6. each night i won't be assured she's safe at home
7. when i have no money i'll REALLY have no money
8. how will i know what's on TV without her?
9. she won't be ther to help with college applications
10. no one at home will hug me or rub my back for comfort
11. where will i get my lifetime advice/lesson of the day?
12. I may go wild without her
13. the house will be empty.
14. no one will use my car when i'm gone
15. there'll be no one to get ready with.
16. no one to go to family parties with
17. i won't get 7:00 reminders to wake up
18. she's the best person i've EVER known
19. she's the only family member i've ever felt CLOSE to
20. who'll keep me in check?
21. her room will be empty
22. her car won't be used
::SIGH:: that's not even the beginning of it all. i don't want her to stay. i'm not asking her to stay. she deserve to finally go out and live her own life without her family holding her down. for me to want her to not go would be selfish. i suport her whole heartedly and hope she has the time of her life, tha she finds all that she's looking for. i WANT her to go. be her own person. make herself happy. not have so many family responcibilities. i want her to be young and free and do anything and everythign she wants. i can't tell her cause she NEEDS to go for herself but... i'm REALLY going to miss her. In more ways than i can begin to explain. We have a relationship that i have NEVER seen anywhere else. it's fucking gold. and i'm so scared i'm going to lose that. lose her. i'm scared of growing up without her. i'm scared of how alone and stranded i'll be without her. she's been my lifeline for so long. my backup. someone that's been there for EVERY emergency. when the friends were gone and when rejected by boys. when it got late at night and i couldn't breathe and when i was 15 and doing so many bad things. she's EVERYthing that i could always turn to... and she's leaving. she's leaving me. i have no clue what i'm going to do without her. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT HER?!?! i'm crying for the first time in months and she can never ever know. she can't know how much i need her and how much i'll be lost without her. All i'm allowing myself to tell her is how much i really do love her. because really now, i do love her. i love her more than i could ever love anyone. I know i'll still see her during vacations, holidays.. heh, maybe one day i'll run away, take a plane to hawaii. but it's just the drifting that really scares me. phone conversations aren't enough. emails could NEVER deliver. i'll send her letters and postcards and picture but... it just won't be the same. And every moment i'm with her or not with her the only thing i can think of is "i've gott till january." 5 months. the sister that i have depended on and worked for an dlistened to and modeled myself after is leaving in 5 months. the sister that babysat me for HOURS, that brushed my hair, that convinced me i could do ANY thing, that was more of a mom to me than my actual mom is leaving in 5 months. I don't want life to go on without her....
it's only just beginning to sink in. on my way home today i almost began to cry.
Reasons i'll miss my sister:
1. she's been my idol since i was 4.
2. she's my SISTER
3. there'll be no one to say goodnight to me
4. I'll be home alone every weekend.
5. I'll have no one to wait up for.
6. each night i won't be assured she's safe at home
7. when i have no money i'll REALLY have no money
8. how will i know what's on TV without her?
9. she won't be ther to help with college applications
10. no one at home will hug me or rub my back for comfort
11. where will i get my lifetime advice/lesson of the day?
12. I may go wild without her
13. the house will be empty.
14. no one will use my car when i'm gone
15. there'll be no one to get ready with.
16. no one to go to family parties with
17. i won't get 7:00 reminders to wake up
18. she's the best person i've EVER known
19. she's the only family member i've ever felt CLOSE to
20. who'll keep me in check?
21. her room will be empty
22. her car won't be used
::SIGH:: that's not even the beginning of it all. i don't want her to stay. i'm not asking her to stay. she deserve to finally go out and live her own life without her family holding her down. for me to want her to not go would be selfish. i suport her whole heartedly and hope she has the time of her life, tha she finds all that she's looking for. i WANT her to go. be her own person. make herself happy. not have so many family responcibilities. i want her to be young and free and do anything and everythign she wants. i can't tell her cause she NEEDS to go for herself but... i'm REALLY going to miss her. In more ways than i can begin to explain. We have a relationship that i have NEVER seen anywhere else. it's fucking gold. and i'm so scared i'm going to lose that. lose her. i'm scared of growing up without her. i'm scared of how alone and stranded i'll be without her. she's been my lifeline for so long. my backup. someone that's been there for EVERY emergency. when the friends were gone and when rejected by boys. when it got late at night and i couldn't breathe and when i was 15 and doing so many bad things. she's EVERYthing that i could always turn to... and she's leaving. she's leaving me. i have no clue what i'm going to do without her. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT HER?!?! i'm crying for the first time in months and she can never ever know. she can't know how much i need her and how much i'll be lost without her. All i'm allowing myself to tell her is how much i really do love her. because really now, i do love her. i love her more than i could ever love anyone. I know i'll still see her during vacations, holidays.. heh, maybe one day i'll run away, take a plane to hawaii. but it's just the drifting that really scares me. phone conversations aren't enough. emails could NEVER deliver. i'll send her letters and postcards and picture but... it just won't be the same. And every moment i'm with her or not with her the only thing i can think of is "i've gott till january." 5 months. the sister that i have depended on and worked for an dlistened to and modeled myself after is leaving in 5 months. the sister that babysat me for HOURS, that brushed my hair, that convinced me i could do ANY thing, that was more of a mom to me than my actual mom is leaving in 5 months. I don't want life to go on without her....
Thursday, September 04, 2003
I've got a bruise that's 4 inches long and 3 inches wide. it's varying shades of purple, blue, and red. the middle has yet to turn colors. it's firm ISH to the touch. REALLY gross.. and at the same time.. incredibly fascinating. it vaugely looks like an ice cream cone and i've named it Bernard (the fifth, mind you.) it's located on the back of my left calf....
I smell of paper, bathroom, and chlorine. i'm in dire need of a shower.. instead... i'm going to go to sleep. it's my parents 26th ani. t'day. horrah for them and their rocky relationship. three cheers for all the arguments they've gotten in, the mutiple times we've moved out, the doors they've slammed, and the flowers bought. to the unchanged changes and the pent up anger. to all the disrespect and offending comments. to insecurities, jealousies, and hurtful words....
I smell of paper, bathroom, and chlorine. i'm in dire need of a shower.. instead... i'm going to go to sleep. it's my parents 26th ani. t'day. horrah for them and their rocky relationship. three cheers for all the arguments they've gotten in, the mutiple times we've moved out, the doors they've slammed, and the flowers bought. to the unchanged changes and the pent up anger. to all the disrespect and offending comments. to insecurities, jealousies, and hurtful words....
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
I wanted so badly to find what was lost, to hold what has slipped away.. I wanted to love you so much that i forgot all the reasons why i shouldn't. i wanted so much. i want so much. so much that can't be had. that just can't be. Force cannot make sincerity and your lack of responce cannot stop this heart from beating. I feel nothing. I want consumption and rapture once more. I want every smile given and every kiss taken. I want those breathes you stole away and the security you ripped from me. I want somethign substantial and somethign new. i want the games to stop and... and... and...
I just want the hurt to stop.
I just want the hurt to stop.
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
Friday, August 29, 2003
i want consumption. to have something night and day and have it seem like it won't ever let me go. i want uncontrollable 'i need you because your touch makes me go crazy. i need you you're keeping me together and keeping me sane' love. the kind that eats you up, the kind that chews you up, the kind that masticates and tears and douses and mauls and fucks you up so hard it leaves you worse off than EVER before. leaves you covered in spit and grime and slime and their blood and your blood and mistakes and hurt and questions and most of all regrets. REGRETS.
Are you hearing the songs that i sing? can you see the words that i'm screaming?!? They don't rhyme and there is no rhythm. I am vulgar and i am bad and i am sexy and naughty and i lie. i cheat. i like to hurt. i am hateful. i am bitter. i hold grudges and you don't EVEN know me. i am not cute i do not smell flowers or play with bunnies or do my makeup or giggle or hug or skip or run or smile. i do NOT mediate and i do not placate. my nails are dirty and i am a mess. i like to walk around naked and my body is NO temple. i posess no style, class or grace. i am blunt. i am rude and i WILL kiss on a first date.
[And even with all of this.. I still miss you... even though we were none of this. because i didn't want any of this but wanted all of it with you...]
i'm tired of lust and chemistry and i want sweetness and cuteness and softness and a sort of tenderness that will melt my heart. i want to fall asleep in your arms and i want that to mean as much to you as it does to me. i want you to look me in the eye and sigh and let me melt your walls away. i want to feel the secrets you whisper into my lips. i want to feel your broad chest beneath me and your man arms around me and your boy hands caress me. i want you to tell me that you love me. tell me that everything is alright and don't ever tell me that anythign is pointless and don't hurt me with cynicism. don't make fun and don't be rough. I want to be near you and for you to want that just as much. But most of all...
I want passion. pasion. love passion and lust passion and an uncontrollable all consuming heart eating breath stealing passion-passion. give me passion and let it take me over let it eat me whole give me PASSION. i'm starving for passion. passion passion passion passion. i need your passion.
Are you hearing the songs that i sing? can you see the words that i'm screaming?!? They don't rhyme and there is no rhythm. I am vulgar and i am bad and i am sexy and naughty and i lie. i cheat. i like to hurt. i am hateful. i am bitter. i hold grudges and you don't EVEN know me. i am not cute i do not smell flowers or play with bunnies or do my makeup or giggle or hug or skip or run or smile. i do NOT mediate and i do not placate. my nails are dirty and i am a mess. i like to walk around naked and my body is NO temple. i posess no style, class or grace. i am blunt. i am rude and i WILL kiss on a first date.
[And even with all of this.. I still miss you... even though we were none of this. because i didn't want any of this but wanted all of it with you...]
i'm tired of lust and chemistry and i want sweetness and cuteness and softness and a sort of tenderness that will melt my heart. i want to fall asleep in your arms and i want that to mean as much to you as it does to me. i want you to look me in the eye and sigh and let me melt your walls away. i want to feel the secrets you whisper into my lips. i want to feel your broad chest beneath me and your man arms around me and your boy hands caress me. i want you to tell me that you love me. tell me that everything is alright and don't ever tell me that anythign is pointless and don't hurt me with cynicism. don't make fun and don't be rough. I want to be near you and for you to want that just as much. But most of all...
I want passion. pasion. love passion and lust passion and an uncontrollable all consuming heart eating breath stealing passion-passion. give me passion and let it take me over let it eat me whole give me PASSION. i'm starving for passion. passion passion passion passion. i need your passion.
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
Sunday, August 24, 2003
Saturday, August 23, 2003
Things to be grateful for #1:
1. those REALLY slow cars that you curse and scream at
2. midnight snacks and second dinners
3. the smell of fire
4. warm ngihts, clear skies, and an ultra loud radio blaring "the boys of summer"
5. Shadows
6. best friends, late night conversations, and laughing at inside jokes
7. Little sister's telling you you're perfect even though a day ago you were making her cry
8. Being able to stand
9. Being, for the most part, happy with who i am
10. getting so absorbed into music you're dancing and screaming the lyrics and you don't care who sees because you're having fun
1. those REALLY slow cars that you curse and scream at
2. midnight snacks and second dinners
3. the smell of fire
4. warm ngihts, clear skies, and an ultra loud radio blaring "the boys of summer"
5. Shadows
6. best friends, late night conversations, and laughing at inside jokes
7. Little sister's telling you you're perfect even though a day ago you were making her cry
8. Being able to stand
9. Being, for the most part, happy with who i am
10. getting so absorbed into music you're dancing and screaming the lyrics and you don't care who sees because you're having fun
Thursday, August 21, 2003
Sometimes i get so absorbed in myself i let my vision blur and all of a sudden i'm not seeing a thing. Sometimes i get so lost in it all that my eyes are wide open but nothing's being taken in. blinded by my hope, pain, and confusion i'm staring into crayola colored skies and the clouds are blowing by and i can't find any shapes because i'm not seeing. i'm not seeing. I'm not seeing...
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Staring out the window at all the shining stars i remember the ones found standing on beds outside of skylights. It made me think of laying in suited arms while promised the world and pointing out constellations. it brings me back to dazing off out windows wishing the moment would end while there was heavy breathing and fake reactions to touches unpassionate. THe stars... the stars... the stars are out tonight and i'm brought back to each and every moment with all the "you's" and "him's" and "he's." i'm brought back to trust and distrust and lies and vulnerability and magic and heartbeats and all those feelings each you, him, and he caused. The leap, the hitch, the break. The moments... I remember each moment. It wasn't yesterday and each one is a world away. i want it all back. i want what's been taken back. i want everything i gave and everything you, him, and he took. I want it all back...
But i'm still sitting here. Alone. in the dark. ALONE. i can't have it back. i can't have anything back. i can't have you, him, OR he back. all i've got is myself and this pile of memories i'd rather have burned. because i've been burnded. used, abused, and left. i'm always the one left... But i'll always be standing. i'll always be here. Even after ALL the you's, him's, and he's of the world have judged me second best. after the whole world has had it's way with me and i'm still just second best... i'll always be here. i'll always be alone... staring out my window counting the stars and counting the scars of all these stabs you've made at my heart.
But i'm still sitting here. Alone. in the dark. ALONE. i can't have it back. i can't have anything back. i can't have you, him, OR he back. all i've got is myself and this pile of memories i'd rather have burned. because i've been burnded. used, abused, and left. i'm always the one left... But i'll always be standing. i'll always be here. Even after ALL the you's, him's, and he's of the world have judged me second best. after the whole world has had it's way with me and i'm still just second best... i'll always be here. i'll always be alone... staring out my window counting the stars and counting the scars of all these stabs you've made at my heart.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
skiTtlE 0s (1:57:29 AM): but.. i know you're sick of hearing about it... but you know... you're right. he SHOULD feel bad. he should feel downright terrible. because i am not a BAD person. and i NOT incredibly undesirable as he once made me feel!! i may not be a great person or even a good person... but i do my best to be as decent as i can muster... i am NOT horrible. and he hurt me. and didn't deserve that. i do NOT deserve that. he played me in a BIG way and it was unfair. it wasn't right. it was fucking SHIT.
sideKickBassChic (1:57:56 AM): you aren't a bad person
SideKickBassChic (1:58:00 AM): i have been telling you all along
SkiTtlE 0s (1:58:54 AM): and i let him get away SO much.. i mean... UGHK. i let EVERYguy get away with hurting and fuckig me over
SideKickBassChic (1:59:15 AM): yeah....
SkiTtlE 0s (1:59:21 AM): ughk...
SkiTtlE 0s (2:01:02 AM): everytime anythings happened i've taken it. and i've blamed no one but myself thinking it's what i've deserved all along. i've rolled with the fucking punches and i've NEVER given ANY guy shit about ANYthing. i just... i let them get away with it... like it's OK to do it. like it's ok to treat me like that.
SideKickBassChic (2:02:30 AM): yes
SkiTtlE 0s (2:03:04 AM): arghk.
if only i could keep such anger... but like all things it fades and i'm left feeling sad and abused... without the conviction with i once spoke. all that i realize about myself is no longer valid and it's still *my* fault. i'm a bad person and it's why bad things happen. because i DESERVE it. I don't say anything and i let it all slide away because in my mind... i deserve it. because i shouldn't expect or hope for anything more. it's ok to be used and hurt and treated like shit because it's what i get. because i'm nothign spectacular and that shit... it's the best i can get... This is the best i can do... and apparently... that's not enough...
Yes, i'll never be enough...
sideKickBassChic (1:57:56 AM): you aren't a bad person
SideKickBassChic (1:58:00 AM): i have been telling you all along
SkiTtlE 0s (1:58:54 AM): and i let him get away SO much.. i mean... UGHK. i let EVERYguy get away with hurting and fuckig me over
SideKickBassChic (1:59:15 AM): yeah....
SkiTtlE 0s (1:59:21 AM): ughk...
SkiTtlE 0s (2:01:02 AM): everytime anythings happened i've taken it. and i've blamed no one but myself thinking it's what i've deserved all along. i've rolled with the fucking punches and i've NEVER given ANY guy shit about ANYthing. i just... i let them get away with it... like it's OK to do it. like it's ok to treat me like that.
SideKickBassChic (2:02:30 AM): yes
SkiTtlE 0s (2:03:04 AM): arghk.
if only i could keep such anger... but like all things it fades and i'm left feeling sad and abused... without the conviction with i once spoke. all that i realize about myself is no longer valid and it's still *my* fault. i'm a bad person and it's why bad things happen. because i DESERVE it. I don't say anything and i let it all slide away because in my mind... i deserve it. because i shouldn't expect or hope for anything more. it's ok to be used and hurt and treated like shit because it's what i get. because i'm nothign spectacular and that shit... it's the best i can get... This is the best i can do... and apparently... that's not enough...
Yes, i'll never be enough...
Monday, August 18, 2003
Sunday, August 17, 2003
*I can see in the way you speak that you're scared. that you're afraid. that you don't know what passion is because you won't let it hold you and you don't know what reality is because you don't want to live in it. you've walled yoruself in and won't see out. you've blockaded yourself in and you won't step out.*
i'm sighing because of you and i can't bear to say it out loud. every song relates to you and i can't bear to sing along. everythign i write is about you and i wish so hard i could show you. i'm so lonely and i think if i weren't i could escape these thoughts of you. i could run away from these overwhelming emotions. i'm ready to cry but i refuse to let these tears fall. i'm ready to move on but i refuse to let go. I can't let go. i need to let go and i can't i just can't...
i'm sighing because of you and i can't bear to say it out loud. every song relates to you and i can't bear to sing along. everythign i write is about you and i wish so hard i could show you. i'm so lonely and i think if i weren't i could escape these thoughts of you. i could run away from these overwhelming emotions. i'm ready to cry but i refuse to let these tears fall. i'm ready to move on but i refuse to let go. I can't let go. i need to let go and i can't i just can't...
Saturday, August 16, 2003
So i'm home now! Mi-Wuk was nothing spectacular but it wasn't too bad. Just hanging out with tiffany and her family... I got home and the doors were locked. i *so* picked the lock to get in! (beams with pride) i am *so* good.
I bought new pens for school. the only good part of school is all the pens i get to buy...
I talked to KEvin today... he got my package. He said he'd call me back but i kow he won't. peachy keen. i don't really care as much nowadays...
It's warm outside and there's a random ugly chair in my room. i'm REALLY trying o figure out how it got here....
on to other business...
School starts in a little more than a week. that's REALLY horrible. all my life (as in most kids' lives) it's been marked off by summers. the end of this one signifies another year coming to a close, another part of my life ending.... With age comes responcibility. and people say wisdom. i don't want either.
I bought new pens for school. the only good part of school is all the pens i get to buy...
I talked to KEvin today... he got my package. He said he'd call me back but i kow he won't. peachy keen. i don't really care as much nowadays...
It's warm outside and there's a random ugly chair in my room. i'm REALLY trying o figure out how it got here....
on to other business...
School starts in a little more than a week. that's REALLY horrible. all my life (as in most kids' lives) it's been marked off by summers. the end of this one signifies another year coming to a close, another part of my life ending.... With age comes responcibility. and people say wisdom. i don't want either.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
There's nothing like:
1. Hearing your most favorite but relatively unpopular band in a movie. TWICE.
2. singing at the top of your lungs with your music blasting and windows rolled down and the weather just perfect
3. twirling through night time streets until you're dizzy
4. falling asleep with the sun in your eyes
5. doing laundry therefore having your WHOLE wardrobe available for a couple days and wearing WHATEVER you want
6. having your windowsill say "deny"
7. striped socks
8. warm, soft blankets just as you're waking up
9. Best friends and just being able to hang out
10. (here goes) You.
1. Hearing your most favorite but relatively unpopular band in a movie. TWICE.
2. singing at the top of your lungs with your music blasting and windows rolled down and the weather just perfect
3. twirling through night time streets until you're dizzy
4. falling asleep with the sun in your eyes
5. doing laundry therefore having your WHOLE wardrobe available for a couple days and wearing WHATEVER you want
6. having your windowsill say "deny"
7. striped socks
8. warm, soft blankets just as you're waking up
9. Best friends and just being able to hang out
10. (here goes) You.
Monday, August 11, 2003
The Ultimate List (and all the disgusting details)
*in chronological order*
1. Jeremy. First crush. on and off liking for several years. Never kissed him. horrible nose. People grow?
2. Edmund. A really good kisser, a little too wet of a kisser but good anyway. a horrible nose. At one point i considered him one of my best friends and he helped me through a lot. Moral of the story? never stay in any sort of relationship (friendship or otherwise) if you're feelings aren't mutual.
3. The weekend. ::shudder:: he was like what? 2o something? 21... 22... something of that sort. i was 15. bad kisser. HORRIBLE kisser. He was kissing my stomach and got a bloody nose. What can i say? He liked to tell me i was amazing. i liked to hear it.
4. Jason. The prom date. the blow job. the surprisingly crooked penis. Passionate kisser, still a little too wet. First Hickey. two. i was proud but they were gone the next day. He had a nice personality, a bit of a geek, and once again... a horrible nose. what is that? the third?
5. Kevin. He had the *cutest* nose. Europe and all it's greatness. Nights spent with one another and ::sigh:: all it's greatness... *such* a sweet kisser. At first i missed the wetness of kissing but each time we kissed it was like i couldn't breathe. in the best way possible... Some people move on faster than others... He moves on faster than i do. if feelings aren't mutual i shouldn't stay in the relationship... right?
6. Chris. one of the biggest mistakes of my short life thus far. what can i say? i thought we outgrew the game of kiss and tell. dry, hard, pushy kisser. total lakc of personality, passion, and motivation.
Do i add in Laura to the count? At prom i think we kissed twice? maybe three times? we'd been arguing all month and in another month the friendship would be called off entirely. much too hard of a kisser for my taste but that happens when there's a handful of guys oggling and her lips and hands are cold...
*in chronological order*
1. Jeremy. First crush. on and off liking for several years. Never kissed him. horrible nose. People grow?
2. Edmund. A really good kisser, a little too wet of a kisser but good anyway. a horrible nose. At one point i considered him one of my best friends and he helped me through a lot. Moral of the story? never stay in any sort of relationship (friendship or otherwise) if you're feelings aren't mutual.
3. The weekend. ::shudder:: he was like what? 2o something? 21... 22... something of that sort. i was 15. bad kisser. HORRIBLE kisser. He was kissing my stomach and got a bloody nose. What can i say? He liked to tell me i was amazing. i liked to hear it.
4. Jason. The prom date. the blow job. the surprisingly crooked penis. Passionate kisser, still a little too wet. First Hickey. two. i was proud but they were gone the next day. He had a nice personality, a bit of a geek, and once again... a horrible nose. what is that? the third?
5. Kevin. He had the *cutest* nose. Europe and all it's greatness. Nights spent with one another and ::sigh:: all it's greatness... *such* a sweet kisser. At first i missed the wetness of kissing but each time we kissed it was like i couldn't breathe. in the best way possible... Some people move on faster than others... He moves on faster than i do. if feelings aren't mutual i shouldn't stay in the relationship... right?
6. Chris. one of the biggest mistakes of my short life thus far. what can i say? i thought we outgrew the game of kiss and tell. dry, hard, pushy kisser. total lakc of personality, passion, and motivation.
Do i add in Laura to the count? At prom i think we kissed twice? maybe three times? we'd been arguing all month and in another month the friendship would be called off entirely. much too hard of a kisser for my taste but that happens when there's a handful of guys oggling and her lips and hands are cold...
I'm lonely and scared and i'm sitting in the dark again. my floor is cluttered with a million memories and thoughts and i'm crying over the past again. Sometimes things mean more than just spilled milk. Sometimes they're life altering and shaking and moving and just so much more than anyone's ever wanted....
Sunday, August 10, 2003
Saturday, August 09, 2003
Friday, August 08, 2003
"Ya see, i care about you as a friend, most definately, but i never really think about friendship any further lately, suppress pain + time = solution to problems, and now with college coming up, i don't know what's what and i'm always moving because me and my friends are always trying to find something to do before we're inevitably seperated."
Speeding down the highway not slowing down for turns lights passing by and staring off into empty night skies. I'm thinking and i can't get out. out of my mind. out of this box. out of my mindset. out of all of this. any of this. i can't get out. Sharp park makes me think of Jason that makes me think of Kevin that makes me think of chris that makes me think of Edmund that circles me back around to hw desolate the street looks. How desolate i feel. Deserted. abandoned. never able to keep anyone around. not too long. not too hard. not ever enough. Friends come and go breakin trust, faith, and all that i held dear throwing me for tailspins and revolutions and too many unwanted changes. Boys come and go breaking morals, rules, and all my dreams of love knocking me down and forcing me to hate all that i have become. Nothing is constant. not the sun. not the moon. not the darkness that hides and hoards and hurts. hurt. I want to say i'm hurt but who isn't hurt? who isn't rejected and dejected and left all alone to cry? who hasn't lost themselves so hard they don't even know it's them when they do find it?
Thursday, August 07, 2003
Funny story of the night:
So we go to Adam's house. fun right? right. light saber fights. marker war. playing one hit. a secon dof "ten fingers." Fun... THe catch? WE parked a little less than a block away at a school parking lot. *APPARENTLY* they lock the place up after a certain time. My car? TOTALLY locked in. totally screwed. we call everyone in our phone books and we've got no one to get us home and no way to get my car out till morning. Last resort? Grace. my sister. call is made. she says she's coming. Half an hour later we're screaming at each other over the phonebecause she's lost and incredibly frustrated and i KNOW i'm really gonna get it. another 10 minutes pass.... 15.... 20.... we wait outside and i hear a car. i go running. run about 2 blocks. THERE SHE IS. yay! got home. end of my story. i guess it was more fun *and* funnier if you were there...
So we go to Adam's house. fun right? right. light saber fights. marker war. playing one hit. a secon dof "ten fingers." Fun... THe catch? WE parked a little less than a block away at a school parking lot. *APPARENTLY* they lock the place up after a certain time. My car? TOTALLY locked in. totally screwed. we call everyone in our phone books and we've got no one to get us home and no way to get my car out till morning. Last resort? Grace. my sister. call is made. she says she's coming. Half an hour later we're screaming at each other over the phonebecause she's lost and incredibly frustrated and i KNOW i'm really gonna get it. another 10 minutes pass.... 15.... 20.... we wait outside and i hear a car. i go running. run about 2 blocks. THERE SHE IS. yay! got home. end of my story. i guess it was more fun *and* funnier if you were there...
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
Current events:
Reunited?!
staring at old pictures and seeing the happiness so obviously present. remembering how i felt with him. about him. when i was around him. I called today. HIs voice is still the same. answers the phone the same... I could hear the smile in his voice and i know i'm supposed to remember that he fucked me over and things between us will never ever happen again but... I still called. I called... I called Jason.
Missing
I think I only miss him because i'm lonely. and that if i had something better i'd get over it? i mena.. i haven't seen him in a month and maybe i'm only falling for what it COULD be rather than what it really was??? maybe i'm placing emotions that weren't ever there lik ei always do and so BECAUSE the memories with it's placed emotions seem stronger than it really was?? maybe i'm foolish and stupid and i don't miss him at all? I shouldn't. i still do.
Over
So i'm doing good at getting over what a fucking jerkidiotbastard Chris was right.... So i'm having a rough rough day and i'm drivin' down the street (a main street) and i see him. he looks right at me and i just keep drivin'. made me feel like shit. i wish i had been stupid enough to stop it when it wasn't yet developed. aborted before it was too late. bah humbug. then i call chelsea and we're talkin' and i hear someone in the background and chelsea says "oh, chris says hi." i get instantly angry. "t.h.a.t.s. n.i.c.e." in a really strained "and your point?!" voice. big long long silence. and in my irritated tone "ANYways..." and she's like... whoa... ok.. uhm... anyways... I wish the past week and everything it's contained and been contaminated by him would dissappear off the face of the earth.
Reunited?!
staring at old pictures and seeing the happiness so obviously present. remembering how i felt with him. about him. when i was around him. I called today. HIs voice is still the same. answers the phone the same... I could hear the smile in his voice and i know i'm supposed to remember that he fucked me over and things between us will never ever happen again but... I still called. I called... I called Jason.
Missing
I think I only miss him because i'm lonely. and that if i had something better i'd get over it? i mena.. i haven't seen him in a month and maybe i'm only falling for what it COULD be rather than what it really was??? maybe i'm placing emotions that weren't ever there lik ei always do and so BECAUSE the memories with it's placed emotions seem stronger than it really was?? maybe i'm foolish and stupid and i don't miss him at all? I shouldn't. i still do.
Over
So i'm doing good at getting over what a fucking jerkidiotbastard Chris was right.... So i'm having a rough rough day and i'm drivin' down the street (a main street) and i see him. he looks right at me and i just keep drivin'. made me feel like shit. i wish i had been stupid enough to stop it when it wasn't yet developed. aborted before it was too late. bah humbug. then i call chelsea and we're talkin' and i hear someone in the background and chelsea says "oh, chris says hi." i get instantly angry. "t.h.a.t.s. n.i.c.e." in a really strained "and your point?!" voice. big long long silence. and in my irritated tone "ANYways..." and she's like... whoa... ok.. uhm... anyways... I wish the past week and everything it's contained and been contaminated by him would dissappear off the face of the earth.
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
Last night's dream:
it was incredibly detailed. but it'll take too long to explain. basically.... we were in a pregnant lady's home/store and supposed to be taking care of her fake baby/doll thing in exchange for a ride somehwere. we didn't pay attention and the mechanical crying began. we didn't know where it went to. it was found stuck inbetween the bed and the nightstand still crying. Needless to say, the woman (who had treated it like it were real, had curly hair, wore a denim maternity shirt, and walked around her house picking up toys) kicked us out of her house. next we somehow got abducted by a psychotic homeless looking man who had a house but was incredibly dirty (think "castaway"). He was making us paint his bathroom with paint that was WAY too think and looked watery (i had a burgundy maroon color). He lectured us about going to college and his hair looked really dirty. My borther (santi) called my other brother (sonny) asking if he had enough *Euros* to pay for our taxi ride home. I remembered i had a credit card and that we could use it to pay whomever we needed to escape from the crazy hobo man. THat was it...
it was incredibly detailed. but it'll take too long to explain. basically.... we were in a pregnant lady's home/store and supposed to be taking care of her fake baby/doll thing in exchange for a ride somehwere. we didn't pay attention and the mechanical crying began. we didn't know where it went to. it was found stuck inbetween the bed and the nightstand still crying. Needless to say, the woman (who had treated it like it were real, had curly hair, wore a denim maternity shirt, and walked around her house picking up toys) kicked us out of her house. next we somehow got abducted by a psychotic homeless looking man who had a house but was incredibly dirty (think "castaway"). He was making us paint his bathroom with paint that was WAY too think and looked watery (i had a burgundy maroon color). He lectured us about going to college and his hair looked really dirty. My borther (santi) called my other brother (sonny) asking if he had enough *Euros* to pay for our taxi ride home. I remembered i had a credit card and that we could use it to pay whomever we needed to escape from the crazy hobo man. THat was it...
Monday, August 04, 2003
entry from a week ago that never got posted:
All i have now are the memories of tastes and a handful of faded memories... purple candies and the brown one i made you eat. Chokingly sweet sugar cubes dissinigrating on my tounge and the skip-slow-beat of my heart whenever i was with you. Pink lollipops being traded from mouth to mouth and your arm around me. ice cold water on warm warm days and strong liquor running down my throat. The alcohol and smoke lingering in your kiss and the sharpness of toothpaste. The rumble roughness of underground trains and echoey click of our heels in the tunnels. The girlish giggle streaming over my lips and the unbearable hotness of walking too fast. My fear of being over aggressive and wind rushing over windows we stood out of looking for stars. the thrill of city lights and thunder and flashy smoke.
I wish it could have lasted forever.
All i have now are the memories of tastes and a handful of faded memories... purple candies and the brown one i made you eat. Chokingly sweet sugar cubes dissinigrating on my tounge and the skip-slow-beat of my heart whenever i was with you. Pink lollipops being traded from mouth to mouth and your arm around me. ice cold water on warm warm days and strong liquor running down my throat. The alcohol and smoke lingering in your kiss and the sharpness of toothpaste. The rumble roughness of underground trains and echoey click of our heels in the tunnels. The girlish giggle streaming over my lips and the unbearable hotness of walking too fast. My fear of being over aggressive and wind rushing over windows we stood out of looking for stars. the thrill of city lights and thunder and flashy smoke.
I wish it could have lasted forever.
Tonight i'll dream sweetly. i'll imagine tying you up and beating you until you're bloddy and blue and a thousand other pain associated colors. of sticking a thousand dull pins into your nuts only to pull your penis off with a wrench and make you choke it down. of watching you throw up and bleed and feel like les of a man. of breaking the bones in each one of your limbs and then burning them off and pulling off every disgusting hair on your body as painfully as possible. I won't kill you. just leave you for dead and hope it comes slowly. I'll dream of your agonizing screams and how i'll holler back ho wmuch i hate you for everything you've done. of the overwhelming pain coursing through your body and how i'll laugh at your toils.
I hate you and i hope you get stomped on like the stupid piece of loser shit you are.
(don't worry. i'm not bitter or angry or anything..)
I hate you and i hope you get stomped on like the stupid piece of loser shit you are.
(don't worry. i'm not bitter or angry or anything..)
Another dream of your sweet, warm perfection. Passion and tenderness.... Another dream of whispered forevers. Sincerity... I woke up weeping and wishing it could all come back. That i could somehow get you back... I know i haven't truly lost you yet but i would give the world to be held by you one more time. to make this distance vanish. Every wish is dedicated to you and your kiss that made my heart skip beats and my breath to hitch. How could i have managed goodbye? I'm hoping for one last Hello beause i know if i ever had one more chance i wouldn't ever let go... I won't ever let go.
Friday, August 01, 2003
Sunday, July 27, 2003
my house smells like weed and everyone has just left to go surfing. i'll be meeting Tiffany in 2 hours and Adolfo and Lenin will be coming over to say goodbye. I should go take a shower and i should go call AAA to fix my flat tire but I don't think i have enough time before i go out...
I'll be calling Chris today.
I'll be calling Chris today.
Saturday, July 26, 2003
Friday, July 25, 2003
Thursday, July 24, 2003
Ipo,
I promise I still care but this is so hard. Almost too hard. I'd try and i'd work and i'd never let go if i knew you would too. But i know you won't. I know that it was nothing, that it should've been nothing to me too. I know now that i felt too much and that i should have let go several weeks ago. I want to write you letters everyday but then i'll seem obsessed. I want to hear your voice when i wake up. I want to be able to walk to your door and smile into your face. I want to whisper sweet anythings to your lips and let you hold me forever. But... I can't. I shouldn't have ever even half hoped for it. I know that now. I know that we'll never speak and that i'll never look into your eyes again. I know that you don't think of me half as many times as i think of you and i know that you'll never read this. I know that i've got to move one because i promised myself i wouldn't be apart of anyting one-sided again. I promised myself i wouldn't hold on until i had to let go again. I'm calling it quits. I want you to know that. But not because i want to. Not because it's the right thing to do (it isn't. HOw could letting go ever be right?). Not because i've stopped caring or because there aren't any feelings there. Not because i have something better here for me. I'm doing this because it hurts. it hurts so much having nightmares everynight and waking up crying to an empty bed. waking up in the morning knowing that i'm one day further from the last time i saw you and just that much more faded in your memory. It hurts to talk to you and hear how much you don't give a damn. To sense the tone that i'm nothing. I'm nothing to you now. That's what hurts the most. I'm nothing...
Yours,
SYdney
I promise I still care but this is so hard. Almost too hard. I'd try and i'd work and i'd never let go if i knew you would too. But i know you won't. I know that it was nothing, that it should've been nothing to me too. I know now that i felt too much and that i should have let go several weeks ago. I want to write you letters everyday but then i'll seem obsessed. I want to hear your voice when i wake up. I want to be able to walk to your door and smile into your face. I want to whisper sweet anythings to your lips and let you hold me forever. But... I can't. I shouldn't have ever even half hoped for it. I know that now. I know that we'll never speak and that i'll never look into your eyes again. I know that you don't think of me half as many times as i think of you and i know that you'll never read this. I know that i've got to move one because i promised myself i wouldn't be apart of anyting one-sided again. I promised myself i wouldn't hold on until i had to let go again. I'm calling it quits. I want you to know that. But not because i want to. Not because it's the right thing to do (it isn't. HOw could letting go ever be right?). Not because i've stopped caring or because there aren't any feelings there. Not because i have something better here for me. I'm doing this because it hurts. it hurts so much having nightmares everynight and waking up crying to an empty bed. waking up in the morning knowing that i'm one day further from the last time i saw you and just that much more faded in your memory. It hurts to talk to you and hear how much you don't give a damn. To sense the tone that i'm nothing. I'm nothing to you now. That's what hurts the most. I'm nothing...
Yours,
SYdney
My dream from a couple nights ago:
WE were in a strange living room, kind of like the one in that movie Renee and I used to watch when we were little kids, you know, the one we knew was naughty because we found it on top of her dad's closet. There was a long couch against one wall and a TV against the other. THere wasn't anything else in the room. The room was rectangular. In my dream, it was your living room. You stood there half naked, A baggy wifebeater and a pair of boxers. We both knew we were together at that specific time just to have sex. It was our goal. I was fully dressed wearing a short sleeved shirts, a pair of jeans, and a Pumas. Even though i never wear short sleeved shirts OR own a pair of Pumas. I was on top of you, my hair was up, and i whisper-laugh-told you something. We weren't trying to be quiet but it came out that way anyways. The next thing i know you're on top, we're both laughing. Push. Pull. Roll. Agressive. I'm on top again. I'm thinking of *him* (the him that's my current and the him that i still have a thing with. Yes, the him i wish i had the chance to be with) and i'm feeling incredibly guilty. But stronger than the guilt is the obligation to you, the urgency and need *knowing* that the guilt doesn't matter. I try to think of a way to justify what we're doing and i can't. I can't because i care about him too much. You two have never met. I hope you never do. He's too important to me and you're too hurtful. Side by side and we're laughing and we pause to look at the TV. The colors are mesmerizing and we lose ourselves in THe Price Is Right and that guy who hosts the show is talking. I'm lying there, using your arm as a pillow, your still half dressed and i'm still fully dressed. We're just laying there. That's where your brother walks in and makes a comment about you getting some action and i feel embaressed knowing it isn't going to happen but everyone thinks it anyways. You both laugh. I hide my face in the floor.
WE were in a strange living room, kind of like the one in that movie Renee and I used to watch when we were little kids, you know, the one we knew was naughty because we found it on top of her dad's closet. There was a long couch against one wall and a TV against the other. THere wasn't anything else in the room. The room was rectangular. In my dream, it was your living room. You stood there half naked, A baggy wifebeater and a pair of boxers. We both knew we were together at that specific time just to have sex. It was our goal. I was fully dressed wearing a short sleeved shirts, a pair of jeans, and a Pumas. Even though i never wear short sleeved shirts OR own a pair of Pumas. I was on top of you, my hair was up, and i whisper-laugh-told you something. We weren't trying to be quiet but it came out that way anyways. The next thing i know you're on top, we're both laughing. Push. Pull. Roll. Agressive. I'm on top again. I'm thinking of *him* (the him that's my current and the him that i still have a thing with. Yes, the him i wish i had the chance to be with) and i'm feeling incredibly guilty. But stronger than the guilt is the obligation to you, the urgency and need *knowing* that the guilt doesn't matter. I try to think of a way to justify what we're doing and i can't. I can't because i care about him too much. You two have never met. I hope you never do. He's too important to me and you're too hurtful. Side by side and we're laughing and we pause to look at the TV. The colors are mesmerizing and we lose ourselves in THe Price Is Right and that guy who hosts the show is talking. I'm lying there, using your arm as a pillow, your still half dressed and i'm still fully dressed. We're just laying there. That's where your brother walks in and makes a comment about you getting some action and i feel embaressed knowing it isn't going to happen but everyone thinks it anyways. You both laugh. I hide my face in the floor.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
I wonder what you're doing and if you even care. I sit here and i think of you and all that you represented to me, how much you meant to me. What was i to you? I guess i'll never know and i'm sure i'll never ask. If i did would you lie? Sometimes when the sun is out i think of how much more perfect it would be if you were by my side, when it isn't I think of how i'd be warmer with you there. I like to think about your everyday life and every word your saying, I like to pretend i can be there and i pretend that you could be here. I wonder what it'd be like if we could be together, one more time? one more forever? I heard a song today that reminded me of you. It made me want to cry. I laughed instead. It was good while it lasted, right? I'm trying to fill my time, replace you with a million other things but it just won't do. nothing can compare. Tomorrow is another day, Will you think of me? Tomorrow i'll get up, Do you *ever* think of me? I'm trying not to lose hope but it's close to impossible.
Will i ever see you again? or will all i get is that one last goodbye memory?
Will i ever see you again? or will all i get is that one last goodbye memory?
Saturday, July 19, 2003
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
I see what it is that we really want now... I see what we've been waiting for. working for. hoping for. Very simply put... Each other. Each other every night. THe way we had it before. After a too long day, after a couple beers, after bickering with your best friend, after hiding how sad you really are, after anything. Lying in one another's arms. We won't ever get that back... We could never achieve that, things couldn't ever be like they were then... But...
"we'll always have Paris..."
"we'll always have Paris..."
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
My dream:
It was warm and we were on a small bed about an arm's length away from each other. Barely breathing from perfection. A sweetness it hurt my heart to beat. It felt so real. So vivid. Feeling your fingers trace my lips, you arms around my waist, your steady breathing, and racing heart. But mostly i remember the warmth. My eyes were barely open and things just felt right. My phone rang and you told me to answer. I didn't want to and told you i wanted to stay with you forever. You pulled me closer. I almost wept when i woke up...
It was warm and we were on a small bed about an arm's length away from each other. Barely breathing from perfection. A sweetness it hurt my heart to beat. It felt so real. So vivid. Feeling your fingers trace my lips, you arms around my waist, your steady breathing, and racing heart. But mostly i remember the warmth. My eyes were barely open and things just felt right. My phone rang and you told me to answer. I didn't want to and told you i wanted to stay with you forever. You pulled me closer. I almost wept when i woke up...
Sunday, July 13, 2003
so... the Eels concert friday night!
it was fucking GREAT! we got there at 9. no line. walk in. McHonkey ( i found out he's a dj) is on stage mixin' it up. go upstairs. 2 guys on a tiny mini stage playing. they're called "the local stars" i thought the were good. nothing spectacular. Ordered a salad. now this thing... this 6 dollar concotion BARELY deserves the title of "salad" cause it was fucking horrible. it was the most bitter crap i've ever tasted. not even lettuce let alone REAL lettuce. it was solidly purple. can we say "CABBAGE?!" yea. it was pretty bad. so me and andrea walk about... steal a menu, buy a McHonkey cd and an Eels shirt. look atht ehpictures on the walls. then we find a place in the crowd. it's SO not satisfactory... so i pull andrea and we get to the very very side. but right up front. the security gaurd tells us to move in cause he needs an Aisle and i figure "safety precautions, ok." and we move.
after a bit of waiting and talking and fuckin' around the lights dim. there they are, all one stage. Goldenboy: the lead guitarist, Koool G: the Bassist, and Puddin': the new drummer. Alas, E is no where to be found. so they all begin playing and a stage hand man steps out with a spotlight sorta thing and just starts waving it through the crowd. it's extra lighting, right? wrong. it's a spotlight. and it WHOOSH's back after lollygaggy-ing about for a minute or two and there he is. There's Mr. E standing on one of the back balconies closest to a set of stairs and he rocks out. he's got a harmonica and he's going at it. the crowd cheers like no other. Arms thrown into the air, and he dissappears into the balcony. Spotlight lowers. He's walking through ever so bad ass with his sunglasses on and a strut like no other through none other than the aisle. yes. the aisle that i was the edge of. I'm tempted to try and touch him but don't. he gets on stage and they begin. So they begin their set. they're playing and everyone's just having a good time, myself included. Maybe i shoudl take this time to explain the crowd. They're all pretty much older than me. age ranges from what looks like twenties to fifties. I might have seen a couple people that looked like they could have been about in my age range but i can easily say we didn't fit in. So, E is on stage blabbing about how grand san francisco is and yammer yammer yammer. sorta boring. i like the way his mouth moves though... and i get the genius idea to yell "take it off!" but i'm afraid. so i tell Andrea to do it. she refuses but upgrades the idea "Sydney, scream 'get naked!'" no. way. but since like usual i'm a sucker for a laugh and decide to do it. "SO since san francisco is *so* great you deserve something to do. Want to know what E REALLY wants you do? What i want you do to do is..." and sydney cups her mouth and yells "GET NAKED!" everyone turns and stares. needless to say, no one gets naked. E is a bit surprised, half laughs... "well if you REALLY want toget naked then that's your own thing... i mean... getting naked is.. well.. . you can do that if you really want" or somethign to that same extent. it was amusing to andrea and i. i think we were the only ones. The guy next to me taps my shoulder. Leave it to sydney to find probably one of the only flamers in the crowd. "You do NOT want to see him naked. i mean.. look at his ass. have you stared at his ass? he has no ass." and the conversation proceeds as thus. THe guy leaves. many people do. The eels take their bows and leave stage. NO WAY i'm leaving. we stand about cheering like all hell and E and goldenboy come back on... play a couple songs... then Koool G. then the drummer... they play a song... and they leave again... even MORE people leave. we're still stickin' around and we scream ourselves raw. They come back for yet another Encore preformance. This time it looks like they're really gone... THe lights go on and more than half the crowd is gone. Andrea and i sit down. we're waiting out the people traffic. The some random guy comes onto the stage and announces "the Eels have left the bulding..." I stand up. we're ready to go. "YEA FUCKING RIGHT!!!!!!" and in run the eels as the stage is rushed. Andrea and i are in the front. and when i say the front i mean we're up against the stage and if i reach out, just reach out a little i could touch him. i don't. they're great and i'm totally pumped and this is one the greatest times i've had in a long while. it's good. So they finish and this time they really do begin to pack up and Andrea and i await the people traffic to clear. eventually we go outside where there are people at the door passing out these free poster things. I have no clue as to how we thought up the idea or decided to do it but we do. We decide that Sydney is going to get her poster signed. There's the bus. there's the backdoor exit. There's the Exit. we wait. We wait and we wait and we wait. We made friends with thise one roadie guy, i'm hit on by a security gaurd, we make nice with the only 3 other Eels fans out there. Moral of the story? I got my Eels poster signed by all of them. yes. all of them. all glorious fucking four of them. That was *my* friday night... it ended with a dozen krispy kremes at 2 in the morning and then home at 3. it was a good fucking time.
it was fucking GREAT! we got there at 9. no line. walk in. McHonkey ( i found out he's a dj) is on stage mixin' it up. go upstairs. 2 guys on a tiny mini stage playing. they're called "the local stars" i thought the were good. nothing spectacular. Ordered a salad. now this thing... this 6 dollar concotion BARELY deserves the title of "salad" cause it was fucking horrible. it was the most bitter crap i've ever tasted. not even lettuce let alone REAL lettuce. it was solidly purple. can we say "CABBAGE?!" yea. it was pretty bad. so me and andrea walk about... steal a menu, buy a McHonkey cd and an Eels shirt. look atht ehpictures on the walls. then we find a place in the crowd. it's SO not satisfactory... so i pull andrea and we get to the very very side. but right up front. the security gaurd tells us to move in cause he needs an Aisle and i figure "safety precautions, ok." and we move.
after a bit of waiting and talking and fuckin' around the lights dim. there they are, all one stage. Goldenboy: the lead guitarist, Koool G: the Bassist, and Puddin': the new drummer. Alas, E is no where to be found. so they all begin playing and a stage hand man steps out with a spotlight sorta thing and just starts waving it through the crowd. it's extra lighting, right? wrong. it's a spotlight. and it WHOOSH's back after lollygaggy-ing about for a minute or two and there he is. There's Mr. E standing on one of the back balconies closest to a set of stairs and he rocks out. he's got a harmonica and he's going at it. the crowd cheers like no other. Arms thrown into the air, and he dissappears into the balcony. Spotlight lowers. He's walking through ever so bad ass with his sunglasses on and a strut like no other through none other than the aisle. yes. the aisle that i was the edge of. I'm tempted to try and touch him but don't. he gets on stage and they begin. So they begin their set. they're playing and everyone's just having a good time, myself included. Maybe i shoudl take this time to explain the crowd. They're all pretty much older than me. age ranges from what looks like twenties to fifties. I might have seen a couple people that looked like they could have been about in my age range but i can easily say we didn't fit in. So, E is on stage blabbing about how grand san francisco is and yammer yammer yammer. sorta boring. i like the way his mouth moves though... and i get the genius idea to yell "take it off!" but i'm afraid. so i tell Andrea to do it. she refuses but upgrades the idea "Sydney, scream 'get naked!'" no. way. but since like usual i'm a sucker for a laugh and decide to do it. "SO since san francisco is *so* great you deserve something to do. Want to know what E REALLY wants you do? What i want you do to do is..." and sydney cups her mouth and yells "GET NAKED!" everyone turns and stares. needless to say, no one gets naked. E is a bit surprised, half laughs... "well if you REALLY want toget naked then that's your own thing... i mean... getting naked is.. well.. . you can do that if you really want" or somethign to that same extent. it was amusing to andrea and i. i think we were the only ones. The guy next to me taps my shoulder. Leave it to sydney to find probably one of the only flamers in the crowd. "You do NOT want to see him naked. i mean.. look at his ass. have you stared at his ass? he has no ass." and the conversation proceeds as thus. THe guy leaves. many people do. The eels take their bows and leave stage. NO WAY i'm leaving. we stand about cheering like all hell and E and goldenboy come back on... play a couple songs... then Koool G. then the drummer... they play a song... and they leave again... even MORE people leave. we're still stickin' around and we scream ourselves raw. They come back for yet another Encore preformance. This time it looks like they're really gone... THe lights go on and more than half the crowd is gone. Andrea and i sit down. we're waiting out the people traffic. The some random guy comes onto the stage and announces "the Eels have left the bulding..." I stand up. we're ready to go. "YEA FUCKING RIGHT!!!!!!" and in run the eels as the stage is rushed. Andrea and i are in the front. and when i say the front i mean we're up against the stage and if i reach out, just reach out a little i could touch him. i don't. they're great and i'm totally pumped and this is one the greatest times i've had in a long while. it's good. So they finish and this time they really do begin to pack up and Andrea and i await the people traffic to clear. eventually we go outside where there are people at the door passing out these free poster things. I have no clue as to how we thought up the idea or decided to do it but we do. We decide that Sydney is going to get her poster signed. There's the bus. there's the backdoor exit. There's the Exit. we wait. We wait and we wait and we wait. We made friends with thise one roadie guy, i'm hit on by a security gaurd, we make nice with the only 3 other Eels fans out there. Moral of the story? I got my Eels poster signed by all of them. yes. all of them. all glorious fucking four of them. That was *my* friday night... it ended with a dozen krispy kremes at 2 in the morning and then home at 3. it was a good fucking time.
Boy: there is a LOT i want and need to tell you... I just never get the chance. or maybe i'm just placing too much importance in people again. too much significance. i'm wary of whether or not there's a relationship there or just a silly game. i don't want to say anything if i shouldn't. if there's nothing there then i need to know. i need to know what you're thinking. what you're feeling. whether or not any sort of struggle or effort isn't worth it. I need to know if this is worth it. if we could work this out and find some sort of good standing ground.
The Phantom on the Opera comes back to san francisco in 3 days! i'm dying to go and watch it.
The Phantom on the Opera comes back to san francisco in 3 days! i'm dying to go and watch it.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
Sunday, July 06, 2003
A Pink Midnight Kiss: that oh so tender sweetness just before falling asleep. the warmth and comfort of lying in another's arms half asleep and half awake just *knowing* they'll still be there inthe morning. The mumble-whisper goodnight. the gigglemagicaffection. that secretive cause no one else is here but us exchange. the gentle touch of lips and arms tightened around one another. The sigh of contentment. the breathe of happiness. Knowing that it isn't love but oh dear god it almost could be. that tenderness... that sweetness... that sweet sweet pink midnight kiss...
Friday, July 04, 2003
*You were right. They really are just mini cakes*
I want you to know that i care and that i miss you so much that i'm hurting inside. Someone said that you miss me too but i can't go on this game of "he said - she said." This is far too rough and i'm very unwilling to keep hurting like this on something i'm unsure of. You barely even know me. I barely even know you. Then how come it's like this? Why am i dreaming about you? why am i still holding onto thoughts of you? why am i wishing that every call held your voice and every knock was given from your hand? I'm far too attached already and i know i'll have to cut you out of my life. I can't live like this. I need to move on. But i can't. I can't...
It's getting hard to breathe cause i refuse to show how sad i am.
I want you to know that i care and that i miss you so much that i'm hurting inside. Someone said that you miss me too but i can't go on this game of "he said - she said." This is far too rough and i'm very unwilling to keep hurting like this on something i'm unsure of. You barely even know me. I barely even know you. Then how come it's like this? Why am i dreaming about you? why am i still holding onto thoughts of you? why am i wishing that every call held your voice and every knock was given from your hand? I'm far too attached already and i know i'll have to cut you out of my life. I can't live like this. I need to move on. But i can't. I can't...
It's getting hard to breathe cause i refuse to show how sad i am.
Thursday, July 03, 2003
Toay i was up at 7:30. drove to Rio Vista (2 hours away) and picked up a friend fora friend. Fgrd if i could help i might as well. Dropped them off. got home at about 3. went straight to sleep. awake at 7 (maybe 6:30) and then dinner. Got in trouble for my lack of presence. that was my day.
I want you to understand... You cannot fill the void. I won'tever be here until you can. Until you can say you love me and until you can say you care. Because i'm running from you. running so i don't scream that i hate you and running so i don't scream that i'm scared. I'm just lookng. Please understand that i'm merely looking... Looking for that something to add. that something to complete. But know this, it isn't full without you either.
I want you to understand... You cannot fill the void. I won'tever be here until you can. Until you can say you love me and until you can say you care. Because i'm running from you. running so i don't scream that i hate you and running so i don't scream that i'm scared. I'm just lookng. Please understand that i'm merely looking... Looking for that something to add. that something to complete. But know this, it isn't full without you either.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
Monday, June 30, 2003
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Plan:
Tomorrow: Finals and maybe hanging out with T. after school
Friday: more finals. last day of school. hair cut. out with T.
Saturday: city adventure/The exploratorium with J.
Sunday: Father's day. Reserved by family. BBQ at mine.
Monday: FIRST DAY O' SUMMER
Tuesday: sleep in, shop, pack.
Wednesday: way more packing. last minute crap.
Thursday: EUROPE!!!
This will be the summer of a lifetime.
Tomorrow: Finals and maybe hanging out with T. after school
Friday: more finals. last day of school. hair cut. out with T.
Saturday: city adventure/The exploratorium with J.
Sunday: Father's day. Reserved by family. BBQ at mine.
Monday: FIRST DAY O' SUMMER
Tuesday: sleep in, shop, pack.
Wednesday: way more packing. last minute crap.
Thursday: EUROPE!!!
This will be the summer of a lifetime.
Saturday, June 07, 2003
SATs today! Yay for me. I skipped 22 questions. Dear god I suck.
Highlights of my day so far:
1. Knowing you've gotten better. That you're happy now.
2. Finding my cellphone.
3. getting Jeremy's week old text message. even though i never talk to him and rarely think of him. it was still nice haering from an old friend.
4. Getting lost and making it better screaming The Get Up Kids
5. Finding my T.G.U.K's CD
6. Falling asleep on the carpet
7. Eating my Dora teddy ghram cookies after being incredibly hungry all through SATs
8. Hugging my older sister. I needed it.
9. Knowing that not matter what you say and even if you wished against it we'll always be apart of each other's lives
10. Reminding myself that everything will always be OK and knowing deep down, even though I've my doubts, that it's true
Highlights of my day so far:
1. Knowing you've gotten better. That you're happy now.
2. Finding my cellphone.
3. getting Jeremy's week old text message. even though i never talk to him and rarely think of him. it was still nice haering from an old friend.
4. Getting lost and making it better screaming The Get Up Kids
5. Finding my T.G.U.K's CD
6. Falling asleep on the carpet
7. Eating my Dora teddy ghram cookies after being incredibly hungry all through SATs
8. Hugging my older sister. I needed it.
9. Knowing that not matter what you say and even if you wished against it we'll always be apart of each other's lives
10. Reminding myself that everything will always be OK and knowing deep down, even though I've my doubts, that it's true
