Several weeks ago i found out that my older sister is moving out in January. Moving out and away. Far times away. A far so far it's undrivable. She's made the desicsion to move to Hawaii for college.

it's only just beginning to sink in. on my way home today i almost began to cry.

Reasons i'll miss my sister:

1. she's been my idol since i was 4.
2. she's my SISTER
3. there'll be no one to say goodnight to me
4. I'll be home alone every weekend.
5. I'll have no one to wait up for.
6. each night i won't be assured she's safe at home
7. when i have no money i'll REALLY have no money
8. how will i know what's on TV without her?
9. she won't be ther to help with college applications
10. no one at home will hug me or rub my back for comfort
11. where will i get my lifetime advice/lesson of the day?
12. I may go wild without her
13. the house will be empty.
14. no one will use my car when i'm gone
15. there'll be no one to get ready with.
16. no one to go to family parties with
17. i won't get 7:00 reminders to wake up
18. she's the best person i've EVER known
19. she's the only family member i've ever felt CLOSE to
20. who'll keep me in check?
21. her room will be empty
22. her car won't be used


::SIGH:: that's not even the beginning of it all. i don't want her to stay. i'm not asking her to stay. she deserve to finally go out and live her own life without her family holding her down. for me to want her to not go would be selfish. i suport her whole heartedly and hope she has the time of her life, tha she finds all that she's looking for. i WANT her to go. be her own person. make herself happy. not have so many family responcibilities. i want her to be young and free and do anything and everythign she wants. i can't tell her cause she NEEDS to go for herself but... i'm REALLY going to miss her. In more ways than i can begin to explain. We have a relationship that i have NEVER seen anywhere else. it's fucking gold. and i'm so scared i'm going to lose that. lose her. i'm scared of growing up without her. i'm scared of how alone and stranded i'll be without her. she's been my lifeline for so long. my backup. someone that's been there for EVERY emergency. when the friends were gone and when rejected by boys. when it got late at night and i couldn't breathe and when i was 15 and doing so many bad things. she's EVERYthing that i could always turn to... and she's leaving. she's leaving me. i have no clue what i'm going to do without her. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT HER?!?! i'm crying for the first time in months and she can never ever know. she can't know how much i need her and how much i'll be lost without her. All i'm allowing myself to tell her is how much i really do love her. because really now, i do love her. i love her more than i could ever love anyone. I know i'll still see her during vacations, holidays.. heh, maybe one day i'll run away, take a plane to hawaii. but it's just the drifting that really scares me. phone conversations aren't enough. emails could NEVER deliver. i'll send her letters and postcards and picture but... it just won't be the same. And every moment i'm with her or not with her the only thing i can think of is "i've gott till january." 5 months. the sister that i have depended on and worked for an dlistened to and modeled myself after is leaving in 5 months. the sister that babysat me for HOURS, that brushed my hair, that convinced me i could do ANY thing, that was more of a mom to me than my actual mom is leaving in 5 months. I don't want life to go on without her....