I Do

I'm ready. I'm young and over eager and incredibly illogically idealistic. I've gotmy head in the clouds and i usually thing mistakes are the best choices of my life.

But i mean it. I really do. I feel silly and girlish and over demanding. I'm ridiculous and typical and maybe even stupid. I'm typical and wrong. But no doubts. no take backs. I mean it.

And because it's dawned on me that I know that I want and that i see the path I want to take. And because I feel like i'm ready...

I feel like I'm waiting. And it's like everyone gets what they want and I'm waiting.

And it's that much harder. It's harder.



But maybe it's even worth it.







(I Hope he realizes. I hope he's ready too.)

The emptiness of the road

I feel like i've forgotten what an orgasm is like. I feel like there's something within me that's held itself together so tightly (the only part of me that's held itself together) and it can't let go yet. And mornings and nights and afternoons my hands stop when I can't bare the pleasure. And I make his mouth stop when I can't bare teh pleasure. I'm afraid I will unwind.

I cannot, in the words of other poets, "come to the come to the come to the waters."

Reconciliation

I'm a woman of secrets and begging. I've thrown it all away. thrown it all away. "for you" she says.

There's a certain sort of secret that I shouldn't have ever committed.

And he can't forgive and she can't give up. He can't forgive and she can't give up.

And her feet pound into the cement, in the middle of roads in the middle of nights. She goes through the streets back and forth, waeving. Leaving a trail of screams behind her. She runs until her body is red and swollen. She disregards it. She's running and running. and by roadside her legs throw a thousand spindly shadows. She can't breathe and she runs harder.

A punishment she'll suffer for days.

And her body can't take the pain. and she vomits. and vomits. thinks "i don't want this in me anymore" but she's taken nothing in. She's dry now. dry now.

She's waiting on him. Can't give up. Begs for days. cries into phones.

there are things she won't tell you because she's ashamed.

Regression

I'm reading through all these old notes and looking at old pictures...

I smile and I laugh and I marvel at myself. my old self. At you. at the old you. The old us.

And i think of yesterday and how badly i wanted to kiss you.

And i just don't get how two people who love each other so much aren't together.

And it hurts and it hurts. But I still love him. I believe in us.

and it hurts and it hurts him. and he still loves me. But apparently he believes in nothing.

I don't want to have to remember anymore. I don't want to remember anything about us anymore. I don't want to think about the gifts. or the days. i don't want to think about the vacations and trips. the souvenirs and the letters. I don't want to think about the songs. or the nights. I don't want to think about the sex. or your body. I don't want your lips. I don't want your hands. I don't to have to think about you each and every breath I take.

And most of all I don't want to think about everything we said the other night. I don't want to think of the way your body shakes when you sob. I don't want to remember shunning you. or being afraid. I don't want to remember that fear. I don't want to think of how sincere i was in ever moment. or how hard i've tried. I don't want it. I don't want any of it.

But I don't have a choice. Because i do. I do to all of it.

And i want. just so badly. so. so. so. badly. More than my pain.

But for your pain to stop.

We Fail and Drown

In a world as fragile as ours there is no sense of time.

We have no history. we have no culture. We have no stories to tell or lessons to learn.

There is only you and i. With our hands chapped and covered with salt. With our lips burnt and aching for water. Only us trying to forge a light. to force a life.

She jerks herself off until she cries in frustration. cries in grief. This is a friction of another kind. They no longer have a fire.

We are primitive beasts hunting our prey. We have no breasts and we pull our bow strings hard. There is dirt in our hair because that's the way it was meant to be. There is roughness to our hands. because that's the way we were meant to be. And we listen to the heartbeat of the world and we never go off track. We hunt like humanity and feel the blood along arms. there's blood on us everywhere. We are guilty of the murder. We are guilty of the stain. Their eyes fear us. even in the dark.

We are creatures to dip and curl in effortless grace. in courtship dances. in a ritual for mates. twisting hand, twisting necks. It's painful and it reaches into her soul. This is birth. This is death. This is the moment we all remember to forget.

And from the darkness we come screaming. in the darkness we cum screaming. And it's dry and painful and we pull away with tenderness in regards to only our pain. No sympathy for the other. the attacker. the protector. the love and fighter. the hunter and prey. the ones without the title being so lost in life and never feeling right. never feeling right.

Our scars are signs of obscenities and it's too far in. too far gone. we'll never make this just again. We will never be justified again.

We have lost all sense of time. In each other at a point. in our misery at another.

And now we must come up for air. to see the world. and as we fail we drown. as we fail we drown.

Twisted hands and the wind is just the perfect kind of cool.

I want him to hold me tighter. To look me in the eyes. I want him to say "i love you" as the song it crests. And i want to look back just as deeply and know that I mean it when I say "I lust you too"

and I want his hand on mine. And our feet will move the same. our hips will rock the same. And i want us to wander. wander. wander.

I'm best at lying to myself. I'm best at making myself hurt. make my self happy. make myself completely befuddled.

I'm best at putting myself in situations with a million tangled threads. I'm best at entanglement.

I'm really great at making things more complicated than they have to be. Maybe i feed off the stress and misery.

As of recent a lot of my insecurities have come to light. What am i supposed to do now? just fix it? leave it be?

Who do i love? and for how long?

Chapters

The date went by casually and pretty low key. Which is more than perfect. A little anticlimatic given how crazy nervous I got but good nonetheless.

I'd hate to get involved with someone right now. what with adam coming home...

I know we won't get back together. I know we've both been hurting too much.

ANd i'm not sure if i'm ready to forgive. I was at one point... But i'm not sure anymore...

And I know he's been hurt too much. in his ways. in his silence.

But at the same time I know we love each other. Love each other more than we understand. I know he has this belief inside of him that says we were meant to be together. And if it doesn't work now then we'll find each other again. And i know that I will never love like i've loved him...

But that's not enough.

So much has happened. So many mistakes have been made. SO many accusations and cries.

We're supposed to see each other at midnight on friday, the night he gets back.

What do we really expect will happen so late? What will really happen?

I was hoping that a couple of days after he got home he'd want to catch a late lunch inbetween my classes. At least we'd have somethign to do. But what will we do? I'll go to his house and see the places we used to love each other in.

I almost want to force him to live his life conscious of where I used to be and am no longer. I wanted to give him a handful of days or weeks or months to see where i once stood. To feel the loss of me.

But that's unfair. childish, i know.

But he'll have his cake. eat it too. Have me too.

Will we hug? will we kiss? will I cry?

I know what i'll say now. I've practiced. I need him to make a choice. I'm making this black and white. yes or no. Because this inbetween ground is what hurts us both the most. I need him to tell me that he loves me. And if he loves me then we can work it out. We'll hate each other sometimes and it'll hurt... But what's one bad day in reference to a month? and what's a month to a year? and what's a year to an entire lifetime? What's one bad step compared the millions of good ones we'll take along the way?

and the only other choice will be if he doesn't love me enough. I doubt he can say that he's 100% free of love from me givenour history but... He needs to gauge what is and isn't enough. It's time i made clear what is and isn't enough. And if he can't love me enough then that's ok. because i've been so alone now that it won't be too hard to adjust. WE can go our seperate ways, have our seperate lives and forge whatever it is that will make up happiest.

But I just need to know. no more inbetween times. no more fear time. dread times.

It's Love or Not Love enough. and i've made my choice. I know what i want from him and from myself. he needs to figure out what he wants because i can't drag myself along like this forever.

He's home in 5 days. monday. tuesday. wednesday. thursday. friday. How will I be able to stand it? I'll try to keep myself busy but apparently that'll be difficult given my busy factor the past two weeks...

Sausalito

I remember Sausalito. How crazy i went with who knows what to call it. I remember I waited to hear from him online. Talked to someone else instead. those long 3 years ago.

Is this what i do? are these the things i do?

Kiss Another Face

I'm thinking of you and I get a sort of stunted double vision.

All i wanted was the noise.

All i wanted was the feeling of something close to me again. I feel so far. I feel so far.

I feel so distant.

And I wanted you to tell me that you still loved me. Still loved me. But you said I still hurt you. you still hurt me.

And i understood. i understand. And whoever really thought love was enough anyways? I don't anymore.

And she wonders why I can't trust and Why I can't let go.

Well I understand. I understand. Don't love me anymore, I understand. Turn your phone off and kiss another face. Don't love me anymore. Don't anymore.

And Everyone sleeps so early now and i'm desperate. Just want to feel close again. feel closed again. feel close again.

Pictures of the ones i used to love and i used to hate but not i just regret. I see the warmth on their skin.

And that's what i want. I want sunkissed. I want close. I want close.

I'm lonely but i cannot talk. I'm afraid and I will not dare. Let's kiss eyes closed and pretend like that's enough. We never believed it anyways. never believed us anyways.

And I say "if only I could have been strong enough not to hurt you..." And I mean, "if only you were strong enough not to hurt me..."

Best friends doesn't mean forever. It means for now until life gets in the way. And Tired doesn't mean let's go to bed together and make everything alright. It means i'm so tired of you so please don't speak.

I just wanted the noise. The noise. the noise.

I want my voice back.

Friends in all the wrong places

Because I can't let you go i'll see this pictures and curse. I'll look at your arms and try to remember them myself. But it doesn't happen. It doesn't work.

To me now, you're just faded thoughts. Faded feelings. Overplayed never sent love letters hate letters and I think --

I know now.

that i'm just clinging.

It's been too long since we last saw each other. It's been too long since you loved me.

We have nothing now.

And i only wish i could forget it all.

In Dreams: A Lesson on Love

We were sitting there on a couch. In hazy unfocused light. And i couldn't breathe. And i was so afraid. and I wanted so badly to kiss you. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to cry into you.

And I put my hand out. And you took it. And while we talked in whispers, soft voices, with my hand upturned, you stroked it. Your beautiful artist's hands gently along the lines of every finger. my palm.

And you brought it to your lips.

And I loved you so much.

And in the Mirror At Midnight, She sees.

An adult with thin wrists and scrappy hair she holds her breath in the break of wet and makes a wish. "make it go away" her heart whispers.

She runs through rain to earn a way to heaven, take a left on Prospect for the pretty view of lights.

And at night Sirius is the only star she sees. She would wish but they're all gone now.

They desert him before the doorstop even.

She deserts her Him on the drive home through silence.

"i'm sorry" her heart whispers.

It's too early and too late. And she goes online still crossing her fingers, still hidden in tunnels.

Sometimes no matter how hard you hope there are some things impossible. Unicorns.

She doesn't anyone else to want her Beautiful but him. thank you for closing off within her. Thank you for making it impossible to be happy.

Where will she turn tomorrow? Where will she wish? Where will she get lost? Who will find the way?

She doesn't and won't ever smell of him again. heartache.

Illness

And because i have to put thisinto words before i simply explode........

I'm so sick of waiting. i'm sick of being tired. and i'm sick of being hurt. I'm sick of being brushed away.

I'm sick of worrying. I'm sick of crying. I'm sickof sleeping and i'm sick of you.

I'm sick of knowing your passwords and i'm sick of not being able to turn away. I'm sick of losing hope. i'm sick of feeling guilty for being so goddamned sick. I'm sick of going through day by motherfucking day just waiting and waiting and waiting.

I'm sick of dreading. I'm sick oh hiding. I'm sick of beating around the bush and being afraid.

I'm sick of hoping. I'm sick of Hurting.


I'm sick of being without you.

Not To Hear it Back

And with wet between her legs
and an ache inside

something deeper deeper
something further in, further in.

She waited all day.
all night.
and the next day,
the next day.

Just for the sound of your voice.

Just to say that she loved you,
not to hear it back.

We replaced all that sad
with hope.

and then you walked away.

She's waiting on you.

After weeks of nightmares
after weeks with your jewels around her neck

like weights. like promises.
Like guilt she wore it,
everyday
begging sorry.

and she holds no resentment.
just a "please."

She doesn't sleep nights
for checking blue lights and dreaming hands.

She doesn't stay in bed mornings
for clicking keyboards and empty inboxes.

The distance doesn't hurt.
She doesn't hurt.

She learned from secret lovers
how to never let the dissapoint
sink.

Let's make more lists
let's make more lists.

that way,

we'll never forget.

New Lover

It seems to early to be awake, too early for this. For changing tires and the evasion of emotions.

Can he come back now? Can he crawl through my window and beneath my blankets now? Can i find that place i fit and without questions, or explanations, or even expectations? Can we breathe each other again?

and find solace from that.

He has blue eyes. and a small dick. man tits. hairy legs. mustache. fat.

not that any of it matters (we all know it does) it's just that... He's not my golden boy. My lover boy. My Mr. Secret Agent Man of years gone past. He has no music boxes or winding rings or even any heartbreak music.

He has anger and bitterness on his side. He has apathy and fear. He has fences and walls and bulidings to be crossed, broken down.

a daunting task (to say the least).

He has more problems than i do. More instabilities, insecurities.

I can't very well be stroking his ego when i feel like a slut. (he wasn't a good fuck).

I think i'm just used to hearing "i love you"

Sleep's heavy and i miss his arms. Eyes close and i miss his lips. The chill comes and i miss warmth.

small steps, slowly. again. again. again.

In and out of love. In and out of love. Surprised but not shocked.




her heart will always swell. Her walls will always melt.

again and again and again.

always. always. always.

Go ahead, continue your life without me. I have without you. I am without you.
Go ahead and take your friends who never really knew how to care for you to our beach. Build them homes. Build them your art. In ways you've never done for me.
Go ahead, Offer them the benefits of the feelings i planted. Look at the sky, it's beautiful. Look at the ocean. beautiful.

I'm not benig full of myself when i say i taught you that.

So go ahead, be an asshole. Do what you need.

This is what i need. I hate you. I want you to know that i hate you. I am so angry at you. And for the first time i realized you've never seen how angry i could be.

THere's a light smell of him on me. hugging and kissing but always only mostly talking. About odd things. things i've never talked with anyone about. things no one's ever bothered to answer.

I know he's not interested in me. i know i need someone to love me. always love me.

tomorrow morning adam will crawl into bed with me and i'll hold him and mean it. feel guilty. always guilty, i am.

saturday night we'll play just friends in front of all my friends, never touch. a look here and there. i'll feel guilty. always guilty.

I'll cry both days. perhaps from frustration perhaps anger. perhaps fear.

mostly self pity.

I wouldn't ever make him happy. Nor i.