vulgar and hard.
and that's all i've to say right now.
those two words.
vulgar.
hard.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Monday, December 20, 2004
This is what they call Exhaustion.
Work to the max.
cleaning mass.
Xmas in 5 days, are YOU ready!?
Money in the bank, YAY!
cleaning mass.
Xmas in 5 days, are YOU ready!?
Money in the bank, YAY!
Saturday, December 18, 2004
She's elegant and she means it.
The sun rose slowly, serenely. no rush on beauty. No rush of pinks, blues, purples. There's nothing like the fog heavy sunset, nothing like feeling family again. There's nothing like morning drives and morning walks with company.
I realize how much I miss you when you're home. I realize how you've always known me. I realize that you were always apart of me.
My hair is straight, my makeup smudged and only now do i see beauty. SOmething vaugely pretty beneath whatever it is that's the real me.
I'm lacking sleep and I'm lacking life. It's like something has been drained out of me, but i'm too old to fight it anymore. I'm too young to be so old. I'm too hungry to be so thin. I'm too awake to be this dead.
I'm too happy to only be content.
I realize how much I miss you when you're home. I realize how you've always known me. I realize that you were always apart of me.
My hair is straight, my makeup smudged and only now do i see beauty. SOmething vaugely pretty beneath whatever it is that's the real me.
I'm lacking sleep and I'm lacking life. It's like something has been drained out of me, but i'm too old to fight it anymore. I'm too young to be so old. I'm too hungry to be so thin. I'm too awake to be this dead.
I'm too happy to only be content.
Friday, December 17, 2004
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Finals
Yesterday I Aced a 100 question Biology test that I didn't study for.
Today I wrote an 8 page paper.
by hand.
Today I gave a speech with only a minute prep time.
By Tomorrow I have to turn in at least 40 articles, 6 questions about topics i don't know, and some other stuff...
By thursday I have to have completed my 4 page history report, 13 movie reviews, and 8 chapter questions.
4 down, 2 to go.
Now on to Lasagna and Minestrone times.
Today I wrote an 8 page paper.
by hand.
Today I gave a speech with only a minute prep time.
By Tomorrow I have to turn in at least 40 articles, 6 questions about topics i don't know, and some other stuff...
By thursday I have to have completed my 4 page history report, 13 movie reviews, and 8 chapter questions.
4 down, 2 to go.
Now on to Lasagna and Minestrone times.
You're Supposed to be Gone.
Last night I had another dream about you. Even though i've sworn to forget.
I think i saw you in your car, the same care from before, the one i couldn't name. And i was with Chelsea, it might have been Daisy. It was one of my friends that matters but I never see but their memory affects me.
We saw you and they (my friend) told me to say hello. I was hateful and angry but mostly scared and excited. I said hello.
You were bigger than when I was with you and you asked me if i wanted to hang out.
I said yes and we went to Starbucks to have a cookie and you had some coffee and I knew i wasn't supposed to be there.
I was supposed to be with Him, not You. I was supposed to be with tthe Him that matters to me, the real one, the one that doesn't just come in dreams. But that didn't make me leave. Everyone said I should stay.
We talked of things I can't remember and I lied about it later.
That's all that seems clear to me now.
I think i saw you in your car, the same care from before, the one i couldn't name. And i was with Chelsea, it might have been Daisy. It was one of my friends that matters but I never see but their memory affects me.
We saw you and they (my friend) told me to say hello. I was hateful and angry but mostly scared and excited. I said hello.
You were bigger than when I was with you and you asked me if i wanted to hang out.
I said yes and we went to Starbucks to have a cookie and you had some coffee and I knew i wasn't supposed to be there.
I was supposed to be with Him, not You. I was supposed to be with tthe Him that matters to me, the real one, the one that doesn't just come in dreams. But that didn't make me leave. Everyone said I should stay.
We talked of things I can't remember and I lied about it later.
That's all that seems clear to me now.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Final Self Evaluation
What skills have you learned that you will take with you? Explain.
What do you feel you still need to work on?
If you were grading yourself on demeanor, attitude, performance, attendance, and participation what grade do you feel you ahve earned and why?
What would you cahnge if you could?
Review yourself and state how your practices have affected your progress?
What do you feel you still need to work on?
If you were grading yourself on demeanor, attitude, performance, attendance, and participation what grade do you feel you ahve earned and why?
What would you cahnge if you could?
Review yourself and state how your practices have affected your progress?
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Saturday Night
In short panting breaths each little sob came. I could only inhale. The pressure in my head grew tears streamed down my face. The lights blurred and the lines were lost and I could only wish it would stop.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Dun DunDunDun
In case any one was wondering...
I do in fact know how to play Carol of the Bells in piano.
And I do not know how I got to be only the coolest person EVER.
PS today i lost my keys in the mall while christmas shopping. then, after frantically seaching for what felt like ever I found them. All snug and safe at the security office. They were a little scared, gaurds said they cried for a while. THey were glad to be home and oh how i missed them.
I do in fact know how to play Carol of the Bells in piano.
And I do not know how I got to be only the coolest person EVER.
PS today i lost my keys in the mall while christmas shopping. then, after frantically seaching for what felt like ever I found them. All snug and safe at the security office. They were a little scared, gaurds said they cried for a while. THey were glad to be home and oh how i missed them.
Monday, December 06, 2004
The End
I've spent too long whispering thoughts I should never have thought.
I've told you too many times that I miss you.
I've wasted my words on you.
This is the last time. The last time you will read me saying that you'll always have such a part of me. The last time i say that it's too late. The last time i'm left waiting.
Here is my closure.
Goodnight.
(say goodnight, mean goodbye...)
I've told you too many times that I miss you.
I've wasted my words on you.
This is the last time. The last time you will read me saying that you'll always have such a part of me. The last time i say that it's too late. The last time i'm left waiting.
Here is my closure.
Goodnight.
(say goodnight, mean goodbye...)
"A Writer's Reference"
You looked at me and said "There's just something about you that makes you seem tall."
And it felt like the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
And it felt like the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
End of The Semester
It's coming soon the end is...
Only like two more weeks. BLECH.
and for all of you that were wondering...
Adam and i have a very bipolar relationship... or more like i'm bipolar in our relationship. one second i love him to death and i want to marry him and have a million of his babies. the next second i'm at the verge of tears, considering beraking up with him, and angry at how uncontrollably i hate him.
But this isn't ever to him, well it is, but not the full effect of my RAGING emotions. sometimes i talk to you guys (my few friends) and it seems downright wretched. like we're the world's most dysfunctional couple. Other people get painted this lovely little picture of cuteness and sickening affection.
And so that is how we are... or i am...
Either way, whether i'm in a bad mood or good i still know he's the best boy for me ever ever.
Only like two more weeks. BLECH.
and for all of you that were wondering...
Adam and i have a very bipolar relationship... or more like i'm bipolar in our relationship. one second i love him to death and i want to marry him and have a million of his babies. the next second i'm at the verge of tears, considering beraking up with him, and angry at how uncontrollably i hate him.
But this isn't ever to him, well it is, but not the full effect of my RAGING emotions. sometimes i talk to you guys (my few friends) and it seems downright wretched. like we're the world's most dysfunctional couple. Other people get painted this lovely little picture of cuteness and sickening affection.
And so that is how we are... or i am...
Either way, whether i'm in a bad mood or good i still know he's the best boy for me ever ever.
I'll Always Wear This Heart on my Back
I told myself i had stuff to write... But i'm not sure if i do anymore. I did, but it's all gone now. My mind has a tendancy to do that...
Here, i'll TRY. it won't be any good and maybe i'll delete it.
Slip the sleeves down your arms, expose your bare shoulders to the biting cold. Fight back the urge to gasp as winter sneaks it's perverted hands down your back, in your shirt, over your body. Face the sun and hope to soak in warmth through the shine. But they're different, shine and warmth are. Stand there, waiting to be judged as you feel their eyes glance at what's there on your back, so silly and useless. You had nothing to prove and no reasons to act but you did it anyways.
You went to the parlor and pulled down your shirt and you smiled sweetly as they carded you. What meaning is there? What purpose? What a ridiculous heart, what a waste of time, what a sad excuse for permanence.
Not to say that you regret it, that you wish you hadn't gone. You don't. You're somehow proud. Just like you were proud of the cuts and scars and your pride when later on they faded. You're proud of the courage, the commitment. But that doesn't make it worthwhile.
Maybe you could tell someone a story, a pretend so hard you believe it story. Yes, tell them something so wonderful you fall in love with it yourself and believe it to be truth. You'll tell people that the black heart represents your inner turmoil or some heart wrenching breakup that left you drowning in the air. Tell them it's supposed to stand for the immortality of your hope and faith, that through such turmoil and heart wrench your heart has survived and it always will and it will remain intact until the end of time. Or, until the end of your time. Sure, it's a lie. You haven't had a relationship whip the ground from beneath your feet. And you haven't felt the slices of true inner pain. But it could sound cool, right? It would make you feel cool, right? Just the fact that you have a tattoo at all makes you cool... right?
Honestly, get over it.
Here, i'll TRY. it won't be any good and maybe i'll delete it.
Slip the sleeves down your arms, expose your bare shoulders to the biting cold. Fight back the urge to gasp as winter sneaks it's perverted hands down your back, in your shirt, over your body. Face the sun and hope to soak in warmth through the shine. But they're different, shine and warmth are. Stand there, waiting to be judged as you feel their eyes glance at what's there on your back, so silly and useless. You had nothing to prove and no reasons to act but you did it anyways.
You went to the parlor and pulled down your shirt and you smiled sweetly as they carded you. What meaning is there? What purpose? What a ridiculous heart, what a waste of time, what a sad excuse for permanence.
Not to say that you regret it, that you wish you hadn't gone. You don't. You're somehow proud. Just like you were proud of the cuts and scars and your pride when later on they faded. You're proud of the courage, the commitment. But that doesn't make it worthwhile.
Maybe you could tell someone a story, a pretend so hard you believe it story. Yes, tell them something so wonderful you fall in love with it yourself and believe it to be truth. You'll tell people that the black heart represents your inner turmoil or some heart wrenching breakup that left you drowning in the air. Tell them it's supposed to stand for the immortality of your hope and faith, that through such turmoil and heart wrench your heart has survived and it always will and it will remain intact until the end of time. Or, until the end of your time. Sure, it's a lie. You haven't had a relationship whip the ground from beneath your feet. And you haven't felt the slices of true inner pain. But it could sound cool, right? It would make you feel cool, right? Just the fact that you have a tattoo at all makes you cool... right?
Honestly, get over it.
Old Blog
And an old something for my mere entertainment...
www.sydpanball22.diaryland.com
It's odd... reading that stuff, it's old. I'm trying to look for a fast easy way i can like, save it all though...
To me, What i've written is how i've existed.
www.sydpanball22.diaryland.com
It's odd... reading that stuff, it's old. I'm trying to look for a fast easy way i can like, save it all though...
To me, What i've written is how i've existed.
Friday, November 26, 2004
Ew
I fucking hate kids. and i hate dogs.
if i ever had kids i think i might cut off their noses and sew shut their mouths. i'd keep them in closets and under the bed.
They wouldn't be allowed to talk and when they did, i'd shoot them. in places where they'd still survive.
gr. to thanksgiving and to small children. and my family. and my dog. and everyone else.
PS. you're supposed to ask WHY i don't want to marry you. ughk. i hate you too.
if i ever had kids i think i might cut off their noses and sew shut their mouths. i'd keep them in closets and under the bed.
They wouldn't be allowed to talk and when they did, i'd shoot them. in places where they'd still survive.
gr. to thanksgiving and to small children. and my family. and my dog. and everyone else.
PS. you're supposed to ask WHY i don't want to marry you. ughk. i hate you too.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
The Incredibles
I watched The Incredibles last night. it was very amusing. i liked it. indeed.
i don't think i have anything left to say.
oh, i got extremely bored and set up a myspace for myself. mwahhah. myspace.
bye
i don't think i have anything left to say.
oh, i got extremely bored and set up a myspace for myself. mwahhah. myspace.
bye
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Monday, November 08, 2004
Only Because I Miss Me
I think you hold some crucial part of something, anything, inside fo you that i need. Only because i don't want to admit that i need you. Just the peice of me you hold.
Do you remember when we could still act like we were kids and pretended to be grown ups? Remember when we argued and deep down we loved each other?
I think i never loved anyone in the way i loved you. I wanted to be you, I hated you, I needed you so desperately that we were impossble.
I just want you to know, even though it's too late, even though scars mean forever, even though i thought i never needed you then...
That i always have.
Do you remember when we could still act like we were kids and pretended to be grown ups? Remember when we argued and deep down we loved each other?
I think i never loved anyone in the way i loved you. I wanted to be you, I hated you, I needed you so desperately that we were impossble.
I just want you to know, even though it's too late, even though scars mean forever, even though i thought i never needed you then...
That i always have.
Friday, October 29, 2004
Bad Dog
who has a tattoo? I do.
Who bought killer sexy cute shoes? I did.
Whose dog crapped out the biggest turd that had to be picked up by hand today? I do.
Who bought killer sexy cute shoes? I did.
Whose dog crapped out the biggest turd that had to be picked up by hand today? I do.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
It's Too Late for "Better"
You watch me lay here, the tears gathering behind my eyes, inside each feature. You see the lips that are supposed to be a graceful smile. You see my eyes, once shimmering, once loving, shut tight -- too afraid to see what's going on. You see my face that you once called beautiful contorted holding back sobs you know you'll never hear. You wonder what i'm thinking, if it's hate or love i'm seeing. You caress me, hoping for a responce but there's only silence. Only each shaking sigh that holds too many unsaid meanings. You wait for something, anything to fill the worry that's clouding your head, the fear that's growing in your heart. You wait for something, you don't know what, that tells you to leave, tells you to go, tell you that it's too late.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Birthday count down: 1 day
Have you ever got so confused and lost in something that all you wanted was to get out? Even though you knew the tangle was al worth it?
Sometimes I miss things i really shouldn't miss and I hate the things I know that I love.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I just let myself be happy?
Sometimes I miss things i really shouldn't miss and I hate the things I know that I love.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I just let myself be happy?
Monday, October 18, 2004
:sigh:
Once again my birthday has rolled around. don't these things ever stop?
either way, eighteen in a coupla days, no big plans or anythin'. Just hoping to have a little bit of fun. but it's alright if i don't. wouldn't surprise me.
may or may not get a tattoo... leaning towards may but i dunno...
My happy flower (the one i bought at the flower shop for myself) is still alive. it surprises me.
and btw, i have the cutest greatest stupid-funniest dog EVER.
either way, eighteen in a coupla days, no big plans or anythin'. Just hoping to have a little bit of fun. but it's alright if i don't. wouldn't surprise me.
may or may not get a tattoo... leaning towards may but i dunno...
My happy flower (the one i bought at the flower shop for myself) is still alive. it surprises me.
and btw, i have the cutest greatest stupid-funniest dog EVER.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Searching for Beauty
So, while i've been questioning what i should do with my life, where i should go, and more short term, what my major would be. I thought of it and i really enjoyed all sciences, i mean, i wasn't goo at any of them but once i got it i had it and it was fun, somethign i could see being interested in the rest of my life. So I considered my already decided path of being an English something-something.
But, while reading poetry at midnight of the Quotidient kind my mind spun into what i really wanted from my life.
I realized that all i can ever remember searching for in the people i met, the things i did, the world around me was beauty, it was magic, it was the sort of breathtaking essence of each day.
I also realized i could never find that for myself in biology, in the set facts of how the world was supposed to work. How could i see Magic in concrete rules?
So, i decided i should stick with my originial choice of english because in reading and in writing and in the art i find in it i see beauty and i see soul and most of all i see what i've been looking for my entire life.
Not to say that i've decided what i want to do for the rest of my life but now i think i know where it lays. I have so many ideas, choices...
I could be a teacher and see that innocent truth in kids' eyes and become a teacher. Teach them the beauty that i see in things.
Or i could try and become a poet, it'd be my optimal job but i know it's close to impossible to be successful as one. But i could write and weave my own dreams, the love i feel in everythign. I'd write the beautfiul kind of poetry about lvoe and sweetness and tenderness. I wouldn't write the poems that were so full of pain it's impossible to read through. Not the poems that face truth and misery so directly it makes you feel naseous. No, I'd write poems to take your breath away and feel whimsical and to make you hope, to wish, to try your hardest to make my fantasy into your reality. I would take you away on magic dream rides into the heart of myself where things are only made of shine and glittermagic touches. That's the writer i'd be.
And then there's all the things that i could really make a career out of, journalism, advetising, things of the such...
but i think i've made it obvious what *my* dream job is. but, that's just a silly dream.
But, while reading poetry at midnight of the Quotidient kind my mind spun into what i really wanted from my life.
I realized that all i can ever remember searching for in the people i met, the things i did, the world around me was beauty, it was magic, it was the sort of breathtaking essence of each day.
I also realized i could never find that for myself in biology, in the set facts of how the world was supposed to work. How could i see Magic in concrete rules?
So, i decided i should stick with my originial choice of english because in reading and in writing and in the art i find in it i see beauty and i see soul and most of all i see what i've been looking for my entire life.
Not to say that i've decided what i want to do for the rest of my life but now i think i know where it lays. I have so many ideas, choices...
I could be a teacher and see that innocent truth in kids' eyes and become a teacher. Teach them the beauty that i see in things.
Or i could try and become a poet, it'd be my optimal job but i know it's close to impossible to be successful as one. But i could write and weave my own dreams, the love i feel in everythign. I'd write the beautfiul kind of poetry about lvoe and sweetness and tenderness. I wouldn't write the poems that were so full of pain it's impossible to read through. Not the poems that face truth and misery so directly it makes you feel naseous. No, I'd write poems to take your breath away and feel whimsical and to make you hope, to wish, to try your hardest to make my fantasy into your reality. I would take you away on magic dream rides into the heart of myself where things are only made of shine and glittermagic touches. That's the writer i'd be.
And then there's all the things that i could really make a career out of, journalism, advetising, things of the such...
but i think i've made it obvious what *my* dream job is. but, that's just a silly dream.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
I'm Not Supposed to Doubt Us.
Do you ever wonder if we're truly in love with each other or if we simply love each other out of mutual need?
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
So Good You Could Go Nuts
And there she lay, dead to the world. Soaking in self pity and an unhappiness thick enough to stop her breath. She knew the day would come and she welcomed it with fear. Do you remember the day when the black life sunk into you gut, settled there with bitterness? Do you know about the delirium of having your insides torn out and thrown into such unforgiving cold?
I do...
I do...
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Goodbye Bitter World
I've decided, the world is coming to an end.
Apocalypse is emminent!
look at the signs: first there's been horrible hurricane, second was the really big earthquake, and now a volcanoe is going to erupt?! Next there'll be a swarm of locusts or frogs or the sky will rain fire!!!
Well, it's been a good life (sorta) and i'll miss you all... or none of you at all. :-D
Apocalypse is emminent!
look at the signs: first there's been horrible hurricane, second was the really big earthquake, and now a volcanoe is going to erupt?! Next there'll be a swarm of locusts or frogs or the sky will rain fire!!!
Well, it's been a good life (sorta) and i'll miss you all... or none of you at all. :-D
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Wicker Park
Watched wicker park last night with adam and adolfo.
it was good times i recommend it.
but... issues remain.
will i ever just come right out and say it?
it was good times i recommend it.
but... issues remain.
will i ever just come right out and say it?
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Friday, September 10, 2004
Grrr to Windows
So i fixed my computer... sorta...
see i backed up a file here or there of my personal crap and decided i could just throw the rest of it away. i mean, i could, that's not my problem.
and then i used all the happy restore reformat disks and yay, i have a "new" computer.
got my files and resaved 'em onto this one. redownloaded AIM. buncha fun...
but for some reason... now i don't have word. WHAT THE FUCK!? i *need* Word. and NO, not stupid "works word processor"but Word. Not only because it's files are compatible with more computers (lesson i learned the hard way at high school.) but i liked Word. I used to have Works but then i got my new computer (this one) and it had it. Now, why after restoring it does it not have it?!? and i thought i maybe lost a disk... but i don't think so. stupid me. ANYWAYS, i had works, then i got Word now i just Like it better. The fonts it comes with, the way things work out.
so maybe i'm a stupid baby.
but adolfo...
thing #1: i DID read your warnings on the updates!
Thing #2: HELP ME GET WORD BACK!
see i backed up a file here or there of my personal crap and decided i could just throw the rest of it away. i mean, i could, that's not my problem.
and then i used all the happy restore reformat disks and yay, i have a "new" computer.
got my files and resaved 'em onto this one. redownloaded AIM. buncha fun...
but for some reason... now i don't have word. WHAT THE FUCK!? i *need* Word. and NO, not stupid "works word processor"but Word. Not only because it's files are compatible with more computers (lesson i learned the hard way at high school.) but i liked Word. I used to have Works but then i got my new computer (this one) and it had it. Now, why after restoring it does it not have it?!? and i thought i maybe lost a disk... but i don't think so. stupid me. ANYWAYS, i had works, then i got Word now i just Like it better. The fonts it comes with, the way things work out.
so maybe i'm a stupid baby.
but adolfo...
thing #1: i DID read your warnings on the updates!
Thing #2: HELP ME GET WORD BACK!
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Monday, September 06, 2004
Nutter Butter Peanut Butter Cookies
all's well in the world of sydney.
or so i suppose.
sorry for being stupid.
BUT!!!
my computer is totallt tweaking. i'm blaming it on the new windows updates i did last time i was on my comp. cause that's the only thing i did differently. that or i've contracted a virus.
gr i wish i were more computer literate.
or so i suppose.
sorry for being stupid.
BUT!!!
my computer is totallt tweaking. i'm blaming it on the new windows updates i did last time i was on my comp. cause that's the only thing i did differently. that or i've contracted a virus.
gr i wish i were more computer literate.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
I deserve it.
I wanted you to be online. i'm tempted to call.
because i need someone to yell at. i need someome to blame. i need someone to cry to.
look at what i have.
nothing.
it's ruined now. it's corrupted now.
what's the point of love if you know it's almost over? For once in what felt like a long time i was happy. i've been happy so long now i'ts all sort of boring. but not this time. not this week. i was *happy* you know the kind, the one type i used to hope for. the type with passion and sparle glitter MAGIC.
We've even talked about wedding rings.
and now here i am. crying and alone. everyone is gone now.
We say we hope we can fix it. "everything will be alright."
how many times have we heard that?! how many times have there been when it wasn't alright?!
It's never alright when it's really matters.
because i need someone to yell at. i need someome to blame. i need someone to cry to.
look at what i have.
nothing.
it's ruined now. it's corrupted now.
what's the point of love if you know it's almost over? For once in what felt like a long time i was happy. i've been happy so long now i'ts all sort of boring. but not this time. not this week. i was *happy* you know the kind, the one type i used to hope for. the type with passion and sparle glitter MAGIC.
We've even talked about wedding rings.
and now here i am. crying and alone. everyone is gone now.
We say we hope we can fix it. "everything will be alright."
how many times have we heard that?! how many times have there been when it wasn't alright?!
It's never alright when it's really matters.
Monday, August 30, 2004
Life Plan
So, I've spent about half an hour going through the req.s to acquire an AA in english (my chosen major) at CSM. Therefore, I've mapped out the next year and a half (Two years?) of my life. Isn't that scary? I feel so grown up and so small all at once.
And I've thunked it out. An apartment in the city is, if lucky, $1,500 a month, if i could get two roomates and we each got paid about $9.50 an hour and worked 40 hours a week then it'd work out. The possibilites of that happening are pretty hard but hell, I can hope.
And THAT! is the plan for the next two years.
And I've thunked it out. An apartment in the city is, if lucky, $1,500 a month, if i could get two roomates and we each got paid about $9.50 an hour and worked 40 hours a week then it'd work out. The possibilites of that happening are pretty hard but hell, I can hope.
And THAT! is the plan for the next two years.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
"And You Fell Hard On The Ground"
So! Yesterday adam, adolfo and i went to pleasenton to stone ridge mall for one real purpose.... Maria Mena.
The place was crawling, no wait, it was inundated with screaming, over baked, yucky little teeny bops. it was wretched. They all looked far too old. I saw what I thought was a grandmother, mother, and daughter. And was a little grossed out by all three. The little girl was dressed too old, the mother was dressed too young, and the grandmother looked a little botoxed. But i got closer only to realize that the Grandmother was really the mother and the mother and daughter? THey were sisters. She looked so incredibly old. And not even in the good kind of "i'm older therefore legal" way. BUt the bad, old way. She looked aged. And once again, not in the "been through a lot therefore wiser" aged but the bad wrinkled, been in too many cancer booths old. It was shocking. I don't think i've ever really been truly SHOCKED by such girls. it was really scary. i don't know why... she was just old and it scared me.
but ANY way! We saw Maria Mena, she was alright live, and then i got stuff signed. She messed up on my cd book thing so she gave me a picture thing. It was cool. i felt a little silly but it was still fun.
yay.
The place was crawling, no wait, it was inundated with screaming, over baked, yucky little teeny bops. it was wretched. They all looked far too old. I saw what I thought was a grandmother, mother, and daughter. And was a little grossed out by all three. The little girl was dressed too old, the mother was dressed too young, and the grandmother looked a little botoxed. But i got closer only to realize that the Grandmother was really the mother and the mother and daughter? THey were sisters. She looked so incredibly old. And not even in the good kind of "i'm older therefore legal" way. BUt the bad, old way. She looked aged. And once again, not in the "been through a lot therefore wiser" aged but the bad wrinkled, been in too many cancer booths old. It was shocking. I don't think i've ever really been truly SHOCKED by such girls. it was really scary. i don't know why... she was just old and it scared me.
but ANY way! We saw Maria Mena, she was alright live, and then i got stuff signed. She messed up on my cd book thing so she gave me a picture thing. It was cool. i felt a little silly but it was still fun.
yay.
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
i've been reading this blog online about this random guy that i've never met.
it's so sad. i mean, it's not pathetic sad, or make me want to die sad, or go on a world crusade to end all problems every where sad... but... just sad.
I mean, he's so big man tough guy rough graphic horrid. but underneath all the words and in the side stories and in cute little parentheses he's just incredibly sad.
i guess i've always sorta been that way, though. a little too sympathetic.
i let it all get to me, i should stop, i know, i've heard it a million times.
but it's such a horrid place we live in and everyone seems so horribly miserable.
and there's nothign ANY one or every one can do about it.
things are sad. things are terribly sad. i shouldn't let it get to me but i do. and then i get obsessive yet i never do anything about it. i don't gain the cause as my own and fight for it.
i mean, if i did then i'd be one hell of a busy person. with everything on their back.
if i were a stronger person i would take it.
i'd stop eating meat and promote animal rights. i would become a social worker or police man and help children being abused. i would go to vets and adopt animals. i would stop wearing clothes that are made in inhumane conditions with child labor or sweat shops. i would become a doctor and help find cures for AIDS and cancer and i would be the shoulder to cry on for all that have lost. i would love everyone. i would do my best to stop drug activity and promote safe sex. i would make thousands of dollars and give it to people so people wouldn't have to feel the pains or being poor. i would grow my hair out and then cut it all off for wigs for people suffering chemo and i would make sure to be a donor and i would frequent hospitals to give my spare body parts to anyone that needed them. i would help agonized and lonely pop stars and struggling but real artists. i would read every book possible to always have the answer.
and through all of this i would never cry.
i would be real and wonderful and maybe, some one would think i had a shine or a specialness about me. maybe i'd be cannonized (sp?) or blessed or revered or some such thing.
too bad i'm no where close to everything i want to be.
it's so sad. i mean, it's not pathetic sad, or make me want to die sad, or go on a world crusade to end all problems every where sad... but... just sad.
I mean, he's so big man tough guy rough graphic horrid. but underneath all the words and in the side stories and in cute little parentheses he's just incredibly sad.
i guess i've always sorta been that way, though. a little too sympathetic.
i let it all get to me, i should stop, i know, i've heard it a million times.
but it's such a horrid place we live in and everyone seems so horribly miserable.
and there's nothign ANY one or every one can do about it.
things are sad. things are terribly sad. i shouldn't let it get to me but i do. and then i get obsessive yet i never do anything about it. i don't gain the cause as my own and fight for it.
i mean, if i did then i'd be one hell of a busy person. with everything on their back.
if i were a stronger person i would take it.
i'd stop eating meat and promote animal rights. i would become a social worker or police man and help children being abused. i would go to vets and adopt animals. i would stop wearing clothes that are made in inhumane conditions with child labor or sweat shops. i would become a doctor and help find cures for AIDS and cancer and i would be the shoulder to cry on for all that have lost. i would love everyone. i would do my best to stop drug activity and promote safe sex. i would make thousands of dollars and give it to people so people wouldn't have to feel the pains or being poor. i would grow my hair out and then cut it all off for wigs for people suffering chemo and i would make sure to be a donor and i would frequent hospitals to give my spare body parts to anyone that needed them. i would help agonized and lonely pop stars and struggling but real artists. i would read every book possible to always have the answer.
and through all of this i would never cry.
i would be real and wonderful and maybe, some one would think i had a shine or a specialness about me. maybe i'd be cannonized (sp?) or blessed or revered or some such thing.
too bad i'm no where close to everything i want to be.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
“When you touch things you touch them as if they’re real.”
I didn’t understand what you meant. I still don’t. But I asked anyways. I wanted you to tell me it meant I stood out among millions. That it meant I was special. I wanted it to somehow mean that I had a sort of shine. that maybe, I was more human than all this wretched cattle. I wanted you to tell me it made everyone see me, that no one else could ever be what I was, that inside of me was a secret answer to some unspoken question, a certain way about me that maybe meant… that meant something, anything. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, was to know that maybe I meant something. But to who? But what? But I guess that doesn’t matter anymore…
I touched things as if they were real, does that mean I was real? Or that to me, the world was.
I didn’t understand what you meant. I still don’t. But I asked anyways. I wanted you to tell me it meant I stood out among millions. That it meant I was special. I wanted it to somehow mean that I had a sort of shine. that maybe, I was more human than all this wretched cattle. I wanted you to tell me it made everyone see me, that no one else could ever be what I was, that inside of me was a secret answer to some unspoken question, a certain way about me that maybe meant… that meant something, anything. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, was to know that maybe I meant something. But to who? But what? But I guess that doesn’t matter anymore…
I touched things as if they were real, does that mean I was real? Or that to me, the world was.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
summer's almost over...
i've bought my books, all my supplies, even some new clothes...
as dorky as it sounds, i'm excited to start school. wary cause i'll have ASS loads of work to do... BUT, that's ok. and i know what classes i want to take in the spring. and then i'll take classes in the summer. and if all goes according to plan, maybe i'll get to do a semester in paris. wouldn't that be GREAT?
now, only a handful of things to thunk about.... 1) a job. must get. must do well. nnneeeeeeeddd money. 2) a new place to live. not that i have to. or that i'm going to like NOW, but... it's still there, back o' my mind. o0o and 3) 1 year. eeeks!
now if only i could a) find me some well fitting pants and b) FINALLY finish cleaning my room.
i've bought my books, all my supplies, even some new clothes...
as dorky as it sounds, i'm excited to start school. wary cause i'll have ASS loads of work to do... BUT, that's ok. and i know what classes i want to take in the spring. and then i'll take classes in the summer. and if all goes according to plan, maybe i'll get to do a semester in paris. wouldn't that be GREAT?
now, only a handful of things to thunk about.... 1) a job. must get. must do well. nnneeeeeeeddd money. 2) a new place to live. not that i have to. or that i'm going to like NOW, but... it's still there, back o' my mind. o0o and 3) 1 year. eeeks!
now if only i could a) find me some well fitting pants and b) FINALLY finish cleaning my room.
Thursday, August 05, 2004
10:20 and the rooms still cold. the sun hasn't come out, it never comes out until it's too late.
I told them all i want to hurt you. That i wanted to directly inflict the deepest pains i could. i wanted to push you and watch you fall.
I wasn't lying.
I want nothing more than to see the pain flash across your face, an uncontrollable earth shaking pain. I want to make you human. I want you to know what it feels like to be real.
Because you're fake.
Your full of lies and betrayals and manipulations.
I want to be over this and over you.
But I'm afraid i can't be until i see you hurt.
I told them all i want to hurt you. That i wanted to directly inflict the deepest pains i could. i wanted to push you and watch you fall.
I wasn't lying.
I want nothing more than to see the pain flash across your face, an uncontrollable earth shaking pain. I want to make you human. I want you to know what it feels like to be real.
Because you're fake.
Your full of lies and betrayals and manipulations.
I want to be over this and over you.
But I'm afraid i can't be until i see you hurt.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Sunday, August 01, 2004
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Thursday, July 29, 2004
PM): sydney, im sorry i told you that, i know it's kinnda a lot to put on a person but i mean, i think about it a lot im sorry i just felt like i needed to... i don't know sorry
0s : it's ok....
0s : i've taken much worst. heh, i'm a secret holder, a safe.
Who will hold mine? won't i ever find my savior? the one you told me could never love me? There's so much more between the lines, will you see it?
and laura, wanna know something? i've missed you all along.
0s : it's ok....
0s : i've taken much worst. heh, i'm a secret holder, a safe.
Who will hold mine? won't i ever find my savior? the one you told me could never love me? There's so much more between the lines, will you see it?
and laura, wanna know something? i've missed you all along.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Cry # 1:
I wanted to fall in love with portland. i wanted to be swept away by the city of roses.
isn't that such a pretty thought? The City of Roses.
I miss you too.
I almost forgot what it felt like just being with you. you, the only one whose ever known.
Cry #2:
It feels like the beginning of the end for us. and your cat and your mom and how much stupider could we have been?
But i love you too much to leave you. so i'll lay here and love this pain.
Cry #3:
who would have thought they could have such a perfect life without me. because they're all there, and i'm the only one who isn't. i know it was my own choice, i know i should have gone back.
but i didn't.
and now you've all realized how much you really don't need me. how our family is missing so much less when i'm not around.
I hope the sun has filled your dreams and i hope you can love me hidden here in my cave.
I wanted to fall in love with portland. i wanted to be swept away by the city of roses.
isn't that such a pretty thought? The City of Roses.
I miss you too.
I almost forgot what it felt like just being with you. you, the only one whose ever known.
Cry #2:
It feels like the beginning of the end for us. and your cat and your mom and how much stupider could we have been?
But i love you too much to leave you. so i'll lay here and love this pain.
Cry #3:
who would have thought they could have such a perfect life without me. because they're all there, and i'm the only one who isn't. i know it was my own choice, i know i should have gone back.
but i didn't.
and now you've all realized how much you really don't need me. how our family is missing so much less when i'm not around.
I hope the sun has filled your dreams and i hope you can love me hidden here in my cave.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Friday, July 16, 2004
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Hawaii Day 5
uhm... today... i... uhm... i did stuff...
we went to the pool today. swam for a while. came home and took showers and naps and got snacks. we played video games for a while. then we went to dinner. to the store. i bought adam a candy lei. i am SO excited he is comign tomorrow. excited like a pancake. indeed.
uhm... today... i... uhm... i did stuff...
we went to the pool today. swam for a while. came home and took showers and naps and got snacks. we played video games for a while. then we went to dinner. to the store. i bought adam a candy lei. i am SO excited he is comign tomorrow. excited like a pancake. indeed.
We never got any closure. i never got to say what i'm REALLY thinking. mostly cause i'm a little pussyass coward. mostly cause i can't even bare seeing you let alone talking to you. some people just don't deserve to know your true feelings. it'd be a waste of breath and a waste of time.
i told myself i wouldn't be so immature as to bag on you in my blog like all the other little online journal kids. but i just can't help it.
some one REALLY needs to tell you.
YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT. honestly, i've taken a worldwide poll and the results are in... you've been voted BIGGEST stupid fuck. most likely to NEVER grow up. person we'd ALL hate to be stranded on an island with.
i'm inclined to say i'm sorry, but i'm not. you're a loser. nothing but an ugly, disgusting, soul-less loser.
LOSER.
and i don't even know why i haven't seen or talked to you in a while yet i STILL hate you. i hate you.
maybe you never knew... BUT I HATE YOU.
i hate the things that remind me of you, the pictures of you, the mention of your name, the unwelcome thought of you. anything that somehow pertains to you... I HATE IT.
it makes me sick. you make me sick.
and i've been dying to say this for so long and that's the reason i can't get it out of my goddamned system... because you never knew.
i almost want to call you just to say that i hate you. just to tell you what a horrible human being you are. how you have no conscience and that i'm probably one of the biggest bitches and half the people i know hate me... YET I'M STILL BETTER THAN YOU.
because at least there's an ounce of fucking common goddamned sense.
you always thought you were better than everyone, think you're better than everyone. i'm not sure if you know it yet... but you're not.
no, you are not smarter.
no, not prettier. not hotter. not nicer. not cooler. not more fun. hell, you're not ANYTHING better than ANY one.
sometimes at night i think of how much time i wasted on you and how you've always been such a bitch.
and then i realize i have no reason to feel guilty about how much i truly despise you.
i told myself i wouldn't be so immature as to bag on you in my blog like all the other little online journal kids. but i just can't help it.
some one REALLY needs to tell you.
YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT. honestly, i've taken a worldwide poll and the results are in... you've been voted BIGGEST stupid fuck. most likely to NEVER grow up. person we'd ALL hate to be stranded on an island with.
i'm inclined to say i'm sorry, but i'm not. you're a loser. nothing but an ugly, disgusting, soul-less loser.
LOSER.
and i don't even know why i haven't seen or talked to you in a while yet i STILL hate you. i hate you.
maybe you never knew... BUT I HATE YOU.
i hate the things that remind me of you, the pictures of you, the mention of your name, the unwelcome thought of you. anything that somehow pertains to you... I HATE IT.
it makes me sick. you make me sick.
and i've been dying to say this for so long and that's the reason i can't get it out of my goddamned system... because you never knew.
i almost want to call you just to say that i hate you. just to tell you what a horrible human being you are. how you have no conscience and that i'm probably one of the biggest bitches and half the people i know hate me... YET I'M STILL BETTER THAN YOU.
because at least there's an ounce of fucking common goddamned sense.
you always thought you were better than everyone, think you're better than everyone. i'm not sure if you know it yet... but you're not.
no, you are not smarter.
no, not prettier. not hotter. not nicer. not cooler. not more fun. hell, you're not ANYTHING better than ANY one.
sometimes at night i think of how much time i wasted on you and how you've always been such a bitch.
and then i realize i have no reason to feel guilty about how much i truly despise you.
Monday, July 05, 2004
hawaii day 4
did nothing today. slept. talked to adam. hung out in the house by myself. i think everyone went to the mall. i can't get the TV to work.
(like 5 hours later)
we went to chuck e cheeses (chunky cheese they call it here) it was mad craziness. SO many kids to watch. i had supervision over two. but the two least hyper. came home. more video games. sleep.
did nothing today. slept. talked to adam. hung out in the house by myself. i think everyone went to the mall. i can't get the TV to work.
(like 5 hours later)
we went to chuck e cheeses (chunky cheese they call it here) it was mad craziness. SO many kids to watch. i had supervision over two. but the two least hyper. came home. more video games. sleep.
Hawaii day 3
fourth of july. we :thinks: went to a little day care/church fair complete with "bounce house" (an astro jump for all you nonpidgin speakers)and some games and food and stuff. teeny tiny ponies. it was cute... i guess.
and then... i slept for a while, live i have been every day. there's just not much to do here. i mean, we're not that close to downtown. no one in the neighborhood my age. and it's too surburbanized for exploring to be any type of fun. so i sleep for at least 3 hours in the middle of the day.
and then the block party started. whenever we're here my mom takes it upon herself for us to have a big potluck block party. which really isn't hard seeing as everyone here is really friendly and close and you just tell one person and the whole block will be there and everyone brings something. ANYWAYS. we ate. sat around a while. laughed at the MILLIONS of teeny tiny kids everywhere.
then the fireworks started. we had BOXES AND BOXES for DAAAYYYSS there were so many fireworks. i mean we got a BIG ass box from costco. plus all the neighbors. it was mass fireworks. we coned of the end of the cul de sac and just let loose and there were like GADS of stuff. it's unexplainable. either way, we did fireworks from about 7 to 11 or so... there was a LOT.
and then we all went home and we (myu nephews and i) played video games... and then they went to bed. yup, that was it.
fourth of july. we :thinks: went to a little day care/church fair complete with "bounce house" (an astro jump for all you nonpidgin speakers)and some games and food and stuff. teeny tiny ponies. it was cute... i guess.
and then... i slept for a while, live i have been every day. there's just not much to do here. i mean, we're not that close to downtown. no one in the neighborhood my age. and it's too surburbanized for exploring to be any type of fun. so i sleep for at least 3 hours in the middle of the day.
and then the block party started. whenever we're here my mom takes it upon herself for us to have a big potluck block party. which really isn't hard seeing as everyone here is really friendly and close and you just tell one person and the whole block will be there and everyone brings something. ANYWAYS. we ate. sat around a while. laughed at the MILLIONS of teeny tiny kids everywhere.
then the fireworks started. we had BOXES AND BOXES for DAAAYYYSS there were so many fireworks. i mean we got a BIG ass box from costco. plus all the neighbors. it was mass fireworks. we coned of the end of the cul de sac and just let loose and there were like GADS of stuff. it's unexplainable. either way, we did fireworks from about 7 to 11 or so... there was a LOT.
and then we all went home and we (myu nephews and i) played video games... and then they went to bed. yup, that was it.
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Hawaii Day 2
Today we went to the tidepools. we got there at like :thinks: 9 in the morning? and left at about two. we had a sort of potluck there. it was all really good and it's fair share of fun. tidepools here in hawaii are much different that half moon bay tidepools. oh well. we were at the tidepools near rabbit island and there was hella hardcore campers. crazy locals.
now we're at home and the kiddies are showering. i get last, oh well. and then me and grace are going to go to blockbuster so i can rent movies. and then i'm dropping her off so she can go clubbing with her friends. i may be designated tonight, not sure.
Today we went to the tidepools. we got there at like :thinks: 9 in the morning? and left at about two. we had a sort of potluck there. it was all really good and it's fair share of fun. tidepools here in hawaii are much different that half moon bay tidepools. oh well. we were at the tidepools near rabbit island and there was hella hardcore campers. crazy locals.
now we're at home and the kiddies are showering. i get last, oh well. and then me and grace are going to go to blockbuster so i can rent movies. and then i'm dropping her off so she can go clubbing with her friends. i may be designated tonight, not sure.
Hawaii Day 1
well, we got here and then ::thinks:: damn. i can't remember.
oh, well first i took like a 3 hour nap proceeded by a lot of whining from myself and the kids due to exhaustion. and then, we all went out to dinner, this korean place. i ordered based on the picture and i could have sworn it'd be chicken. indeed it wasn't. but it was good. it was some sort of meat covered in eggs. and then we went to costco and we bought this HUGE thing of fireworks. i'm excited. i've never played with fireworks before. and then we went home. we all played video games (game cube mario party and mario kart) for a while. we lost. oh well... and then... erhm, i took a shower and went to bed? i felt mass sick though. it was pretty gross.
well, we got here and then ::thinks:: damn. i can't remember.
oh, well first i took like a 3 hour nap proceeded by a lot of whining from myself and the kids due to exhaustion. and then, we all went out to dinner, this korean place. i ordered based on the picture and i could have sworn it'd be chicken. indeed it wasn't. but it was good. it was some sort of meat covered in eggs. and then we went to costco and we bought this HUGE thing of fireworks. i'm excited. i've never played with fireworks before. and then we went home. we all played video games (game cube mario party and mario kart) for a while. we lost. oh well... and then... erhm, i took a shower and went to bed? i felt mass sick though. it was pretty gross.
Sunday, June 27, 2004
WELL!!! what an adventure we had today!!
first off, we left at like 7:30/8. went dropped off nikki, renee was with us (andrea and adolfo).
we took muni into the city, to market somewhere somewhere. watched teh gay parade (more details later and pics...) for 3 hours. then walked around shirtless. tee hee hee. (more details on that too.)
then erhm STUFF!
ahhhhgkkk.. will write more later!!!
for better story telling check andrea and adolfo's blogs. Telistar.blogspot.com (i think? if not correct me.) and www.livejournal.com/users/ikillmyidols.
but i WILL tell more later.
first off, we left at like 7:30/8. went dropped off nikki, renee was with us (andrea and adolfo).
we took muni into the city, to market somewhere somewhere. watched teh gay parade (more details later and pics...) for 3 hours. then walked around shirtless. tee hee hee. (more details on that too.)
then erhm STUFF!
ahhhhgkkk.. will write more later!!!
for better story telling check andrea and adolfo's blogs. Telistar.blogspot.com (i think? if not correct me.) and www.livejournal.com/users/ikillmyidols.
but i WILL tell more later.
Saturday, June 26, 2004
Today i watched "two brothers" it was the tiger movie. it was alright... i guess. very kiddish, but then again, it *is* a kids' movie. it was still cute though. and, being the baby that i am, got all nervousy scared at parts. whatever, i'm nothing but a stupid little cry baby ballsack.
my parents are currently upstairs singing karaoke. indeed.
tomrorow i've some sort of crazy family reunion thing to go to. i'm frightened. i have a family of about 45. those're just cousins, aunts and uncles. oh, and my brothers and sisters and such. i'll be frightened to see how many MOORREE will there be!?!? yea. so it'll be a loooooooong night. :sigh:
and then sunday, i'm going with adolfo to pride. it's due to be fun. yes, fun.
hmmmmmmmmmm..... what else have i got going on?
i bought a red duncan yo-yo today. it's exciting.
my parents are currently upstairs singing karaoke. indeed.
tomrorow i've some sort of crazy family reunion thing to go to. i'm frightened. i have a family of about 45. those're just cousins, aunts and uncles. oh, and my brothers and sisters and such. i'll be frightened to see how many MOORREE will there be!?!? yea. so it'll be a loooooooong night. :sigh:
and then sunday, i'm going with adolfo to pride. it's due to be fun. yes, fun.
hmmmmmmmmmm..... what else have i got going on?
i bought a red duncan yo-yo today. it's exciting.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
well, just as i thought my sickness was lifting i was pretty sure i've contracted pink eye. gross, i know. in fact, really gross. it's all red and yucky looking and at first it was REALLYREALLY gross and like... mucusy or something. it was nasty. i was a little scared it was glaucoma, mostly because i'm a hypo but it still could be, ya never know.
as it is summer i've begun to spend even MORE time with adam, which really, is silly. but we've gotten SO incredibly bored that we've resorted to like summer camp arts and crafts. i've done 1 and a half lanyards and he's colored this REALLY big fuzzy poster thing. and a couple days ago we bought iron-on stuff and made shirts. it's really getting quite pathetic. and... we play video games now too. we've reached some sort of ultimate low. tomorrow night there's a bonfire to go to. and friday we're watchign a tiger movie (two brothers) so it looks like maybe it won't be so bad?? he finally got his permit, FINALLY. and... uhm, what else?
i got new sheets and such. they're really soft. they're grey and red. and uhm, YEA, it's cool. but i've gotta mass clean my room t'night caus ethe carpet is getting shampooed tomorrow morning and i've yet to do it. BUT! today i watched AFI's 100 years 100 songs. it was fun. and then i watched law and order SVU. it was good times. and now i'm on the phone with my sister... and uhm, talking online to adolfo and andrea? but andrea keeps warning me.
end of the story? i'm incredibly lame and bored.
as it is summer i've begun to spend even MORE time with adam, which really, is silly. but we've gotten SO incredibly bored that we've resorted to like summer camp arts and crafts. i've done 1 and a half lanyards and he's colored this REALLY big fuzzy poster thing. and a couple days ago we bought iron-on stuff and made shirts. it's really getting quite pathetic. and... we play video games now too. we've reached some sort of ultimate low. tomorrow night there's a bonfire to go to. and friday we're watchign a tiger movie (two brothers) so it looks like maybe it won't be so bad?? he finally got his permit, FINALLY. and... uhm, what else?
i got new sheets and such. they're really soft. they're grey and red. and uhm, YEA, it's cool. but i've gotta mass clean my room t'night caus ethe carpet is getting shampooed tomorrow morning and i've yet to do it. BUT! today i watched AFI's 100 years 100 songs. it was fun. and then i watched law and order SVU. it was good times. and now i'm on the phone with my sister... and uhm, talking online to adolfo and andrea? but andrea keeps warning me.
end of the story? i'm incredibly lame and bored.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Thursday, June 17, 2004
well... summer.... the first week of summer.
exciting isn't it? i hung out with laura, we watched a movie and said our bittersweet goodbyes. ya know, of all my friends ever, she's the only i've truly truly loved.
no offense all you other friends... i love you too?
heh, and then andrea made me cookies, they were mass amounts of goodness. and btw, my sister thought so too.
and i hung out with my sister a bunch. made many a drive to the airport...
and that's been my summer thus far. i like this whole "not doing anything bit"
oh and i've spent hella days with adam.
P.S. adolfo, if you're reading this... i lost your cell phone # and feel odd not having talked to you in so long a time. so try to ring me up? or leave your number in my comments?
exciting isn't it? i hung out with laura, we watched a movie and said our bittersweet goodbyes. ya know, of all my friends ever, she's the only i've truly truly loved.
no offense all you other friends... i love you too?
heh, and then andrea made me cookies, they were mass amounts of goodness. and btw, my sister thought so too.
and i hung out with my sister a bunch. made many a drive to the airport...
and that's been my summer thus far. i like this whole "not doing anything bit"
oh and i've spent hella days with adam.
P.S. adolfo, if you're reading this... i lost your cell phone # and feel odd not having talked to you in so long a time. so try to ring me up? or leave your number in my comments?
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
yesterday was senior picnic... nothing too exciting or cool or fun or blah blah blah. guess it just wasn't what we all expected?
today is senior breakfast and grad. practice. and then i'm going to skyline to get a transcript in order to get my diploma. it's all good and dandy. no more worries for a couple of months...
it seems like it'll be a good summmer.... and yes, it needs that many m's. hawaii for two weeks, adam will be there with me for one of them. then we're all gonna go camping in yosemite. and then we'll take a couple day trip to reno to see the ligers. and a bunch more adventures hopefully. yup....
then... uhm... ok, so i've nothing to say.
but OMG! i accidently set my clock an hour early apparently. so i get up at what i think is 8:30. i get ready. and my mom is like "why're you up th is early? you don't have school!" and i'm like "oh... grad practice at 9..." and she kinda looks at me wierd but ignores me. and so by this time it's my 8:50. BUT OH NO! i looked at a clock before leaving thank god. and it's only 7:50. so now i'm up all mass early with nothing to do. hmph.
today is senior breakfast and grad. practice. and then i'm going to skyline to get a transcript in order to get my diploma. it's all good and dandy. no more worries for a couple of months...
it seems like it'll be a good summmer.... and yes, it needs that many m's. hawaii for two weeks, adam will be there with me for one of them. then we're all gonna go camping in yosemite. and then we'll take a couple day trip to reno to see the ligers. and a bunch more adventures hopefully. yup....
then... uhm... ok, so i've nothing to say.
but OMG! i accidently set my clock an hour early apparently. so i get up at what i think is 8:30. i get ready. and my mom is like "why're you up th is early? you don't have school!" and i'm like "oh... grad practice at 9..." and she kinda looks at me wierd but ignores me. and so by this time it's my 8:50. BUT OH NO! i looked at a clock before leaving thank god. and it's only 7:50. so now i'm up all mass early with nothing to do. hmph.
Sunday, June 06, 2004
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Monday, May 31, 2004
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Want an update, do you?
I'll give you an update...
my great-grandmother, was eating sunday night, since, you know, that's what normal people do, eat. and she began to choke on something. my aunt, being a doctor tries to give her the hiemlich. doesn't work. call in the nurse (my g-grandma lives in a "home"). she performs the hiemlich again, doesn't work. call 911. tube down. at this point, she hadn't been breathing for about 10 minutes.
My great grandma, more affectionately known as Lola, is now in a hospital bed, on a life support machine. Most likely, she is brain dead. now various relatives (her children) are flying in from here or there. and other various relatives (the ones that live here) are constantly to and from the airport for pickup. we all congregate in teh ICU waiting room each night to debate the ultimate issue... plug vs. unplug.
and now, before you go making an ass out of yourself and say "well at least she was your great grandma and you couldn't have possibly known her that well." i did, ok? now, we weren't the best of friends, she wasn't my idol, she wasn't any sort of protector, gaurdian, or even a favortie. but yes, i did know her. i can remember every house she's lived in since i've been born. i remember all the food she cooked. all the things she told me. the languages she spoke. i remember toys and cakes and late san jose nights walking away from her apartment. the various collectible teeny things in her house, the religous pictures on her wall, when she became so senile she heard voices.
but i guess everyone has a time to die. and i guess there have been far greater sufferers than i. so who am i to complain? i'm not trying to complain, just trying to get this out of me i suppose. looking for some sort of solace in my own words.
I'll give you an update...
my great-grandmother, was eating sunday night, since, you know, that's what normal people do, eat. and she began to choke on something. my aunt, being a doctor tries to give her the hiemlich. doesn't work. call in the nurse (my g-grandma lives in a "home"). she performs the hiemlich again, doesn't work. call 911. tube down. at this point, she hadn't been breathing for about 10 minutes.
My great grandma, more affectionately known as Lola, is now in a hospital bed, on a life support machine. Most likely, she is brain dead. now various relatives (her children) are flying in from here or there. and other various relatives (the ones that live here) are constantly to and from the airport for pickup. we all congregate in teh ICU waiting room each night to debate the ultimate issue... plug vs. unplug.
and now, before you go making an ass out of yourself and say "well at least she was your great grandma and you couldn't have possibly known her that well." i did, ok? now, we weren't the best of friends, she wasn't my idol, she wasn't any sort of protector, gaurdian, or even a favortie. but yes, i did know her. i can remember every house she's lived in since i've been born. i remember all the food she cooked. all the things she told me. the languages she spoke. i remember toys and cakes and late san jose nights walking away from her apartment. the various collectible teeny things in her house, the religous pictures on her wall, when she became so senile she heard voices.
but i guess everyone has a time to die. and i guess there have been far greater sufferers than i. so who am i to complain? i'm not trying to complain, just trying to get this out of me i suppose. looking for some sort of solace in my own words.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Monday, May 10, 2004
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
He remembered the moment his lips first touched hers, when he slowly leaned in, heart full of excitement, body tingling with anticipation. He remembered the moment her hand gently rested on his cheek, her soft fingers caressing his jawbone. He remembered the moment when he first realized he loved her. He loved her sweet smell, the diamond sparkle in her deep eyes, every breath that escaped her lovely, precious body. He loved to be with her, he loved himself when he was with her, and he loved them together. It was the kind of love he was sure would last a lifetime.
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Saturday, May 01, 2004
OH.
MY.
GOD.
who got nominated for prom queen!??!? UHM!!!
i'll let you have one goddamned mother fuckin' guess!!!!
Uhm, ME!!!!
can we get the party started or what?!
flowers? check
date? check
tux? check
tickets? check
guest pass? check
my dress? (looks around)
My hair? (looks away)
My makeup? shoes? (pretends not to hear you)
ahhhh, the good times.
MY.
GOD.
who got nominated for prom queen!??!? UHM!!!
i'll let you have one goddamned mother fuckin' guess!!!!
Uhm, ME!!!!
can we get the party started or what?!
flowers? check
date? check
tux? check
tickets? check
guest pass? check
my dress? (looks around)
My hair? (looks away)
My makeup? shoes? (pretends not to hear you)
ahhhh, the good times.
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Sooo!!!!
my prom dress came right?! after like... HELLA days! and then i was like all mass uber mongo excited. i open it and. :sound of shattering: it doesn't fit. me with my fat chest and my fatness can NOT get it to zip. there are no if ands or buts about it. it just didn't fit. :sigh: so i've ordered a new one, next size up, and i'm returning this one. but GEEZ. can we say dissapointment!?1 yes. yes we can.
and that is my current woe.
my prom dress came right?! after like... HELLA days! and then i was like all mass uber mongo excited. i open it and. :sound of shattering: it doesn't fit. me with my fat chest and my fatness can NOT get it to zip. there are no if ands or buts about it. it just didn't fit. :sigh: so i've ordered a new one, next size up, and i'm returning this one. but GEEZ. can we say dissapointment!?1 yes. yes we can.
and that is my current woe.
Monday, April 19, 2004
ok! so, i'll actually make a real post. Not a half sentance thought. it's currently 2:37. i wish it were 3. but anyways...
this weekend felt a tad anti social so i stayed home. all alone. which, like always, led to depressive panic attack-y nights. but, nothing really. i did get to watch some MASSIVE animal planet. so many shows, so little time. and i watched a butt load of movies. So, mostly, just catching up on my potatoe time. yes, yes, seems i've about evened it out and i'll die at approximately the same age as teh rest of my generation. oh joy beyond all joys.
ANYWAYS. today, there were issues ordering my prom dress, will admit, a tad annoyed. and then i made a vet appt. for ma pupppy doog. yes, doog. not dog. and now i'll send a check in to san mateo juvenile traffic court. and then help adam fin da tux ad such. and, then, yea. ooh1 but while dealing with irritating prom order issues, i got them to 2nd priority mail it. which, yes, does mean i SHOULD get it in 5 - 8 days. does that start today? or when i placed the order? either way, that's a bit better than 6 - 12. :sigh: what if it doesn't get here!?!? and no issues with the cell phone YET. should come b/w wed. and fri. good times all around. doot doot doot doot.
it's been a long long cold day. tiring. i can't wait to just cuddle into bed, nice and cozy warm. ::sigh:: i'm waiting for 3 so i can leave to go pick up adam. another 15 minutes or so.
BUT HEY!!!! 46 DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT!!!
**mass** good times. knowing the number makes it seem so close. turned in my request for ex. grad. tickets today. hopefully i'll get three. i still feel bad for having to exclude 3 of my siblings.
i think the school, just because i'm minority, should give me all the tickets i want. is it my fault my mom couldn't take some damn birth control!? babies suck. i never want one.
nor do i want to get married. i don't think i could really be a "for life"-er. dedicate myself to one person for that goddamned long. seems rough, too rough. i mean, look around, where did happy marriage go?
romance?
destiny??
oh well, like any of that was useful anyways. hey, lol even though it's not really funny, you guys remember when i lost faith in the world? ahhh, the bad times. but so good.
and by good i mean character building, terrible, disgusting, and stupid.
is this enough now??!?? like anyone reads this.
they don't.
this weekend felt a tad anti social so i stayed home. all alone. which, like always, led to depressive panic attack-y nights. but, nothing really. i did get to watch some MASSIVE animal planet. so many shows, so little time. and i watched a butt load of movies. So, mostly, just catching up on my potatoe time. yes, yes, seems i've about evened it out and i'll die at approximately the same age as teh rest of my generation. oh joy beyond all joys.
ANYWAYS. today, there were issues ordering my prom dress, will admit, a tad annoyed. and then i made a vet appt. for ma pupppy doog. yes, doog. not dog. and now i'll send a check in to san mateo juvenile traffic court. and then help adam fin da tux ad such. and, then, yea. ooh1 but while dealing with irritating prom order issues, i got them to 2nd priority mail it. which, yes, does mean i SHOULD get it in 5 - 8 days. does that start today? or when i placed the order? either way, that's a bit better than 6 - 12. :sigh: what if it doesn't get here!?!? and no issues with the cell phone YET. should come b/w wed. and fri. good times all around. doot doot doot doot.
it's been a long long cold day. tiring. i can't wait to just cuddle into bed, nice and cozy warm. ::sigh:: i'm waiting for 3 so i can leave to go pick up adam. another 15 minutes or so.
BUT HEY!!!! 46 DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT!!!
**mass** good times. knowing the number makes it seem so close. turned in my request for ex. grad. tickets today. hopefully i'll get three. i still feel bad for having to exclude 3 of my siblings.
i think the school, just because i'm minority, should give me all the tickets i want. is it my fault my mom couldn't take some damn birth control!? babies suck. i never want one.
nor do i want to get married. i don't think i could really be a "for life"-er. dedicate myself to one person for that goddamned long. seems rough, too rough. i mean, look around, where did happy marriage go?
romance?
destiny??
oh well, like any of that was useful anyways. hey, lol even though it's not really funny, you guys remember when i lost faith in the world? ahhh, the bad times. but so good.
and by good i mean character building, terrible, disgusting, and stupid.
is this enough now??!?? like anyone reads this.
they don't.
Saturday, April 17, 2004
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Monday, April 05, 2004
sydney's a bad bad bad girl.
why?
cause i didn't go to school today.
see, first the daylight savings thing TOTALLY threw me off, and waking up at 6 this morning was IMPOSSIBLE. so i'm trying my best and decide "fuck it. i'll just not go to first period." i go back to sleep. and hour later my dad wakes me up all like "why the hell are you still here!?" and so i'm like "i just can't get up..." and he shakes his head, walks away, and i decide, since 2nd period is SO damn useless why go? i won't. and i keep on sleeping... and then i iversleep and i JUST woke up. it's 11 o clock. why go to school for JUST pe? it's pointless. SO! here i am feeling guilty and still barely rested. thank you weekend. thank you monday. and thank you stupid sydney.
why?
cause i didn't go to school today.
see, first the daylight savings thing TOTALLY threw me off, and waking up at 6 this morning was IMPOSSIBLE. so i'm trying my best and decide "fuck it. i'll just not go to first period." i go back to sleep. and hour later my dad wakes me up all like "why the hell are you still here!?" and so i'm like "i just can't get up..." and he shakes his head, walks away, and i decide, since 2nd period is SO damn useless why go? i won't. and i keep on sleeping... and then i iversleep and i JUST woke up. it's 11 o clock. why go to school for JUST pe? it's pointless. SO! here i am feeling guilty and still barely rested. thank you weekend. thank you monday. and thank you stupid sydney.
Friday, April 02, 2004
i prefer not to blog when all emotional and such. it makes this all nothign but a whine fest. well, more than it already is, i mean.
prom coming soon. woot woot.
bigger "woot:" GRADUATION. only a quater left, quater left. goddamned quater left. and oh, what a horrid long one it will be.
and don't even attempt at asking me what i'm doing next. i'm thinking a nice little bout of community college. yay. blach. don't worry. not like i feel like a massive failure or anything... not live i've dissapointed everyone, including myself. nah, not at all.
other hands?
my dog is home. i missed that fat little piece of shit. :-D
prom coming soon. woot woot.
bigger "woot:" GRADUATION. only a quater left, quater left. goddamned quater left. and oh, what a horrid long one it will be.
and don't even attempt at asking me what i'm doing next. i'm thinking a nice little bout of community college. yay. blach. don't worry. not like i feel like a massive failure or anything... not live i've dissapointed everyone, including myself. nah, not at all.
other hands?
my dog is home. i missed that fat little piece of shit. :-D
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Sunday, March 28, 2004
Thursday, March 25, 2004
today i gave blood...
I did better than last time.
THIS time i only *almost* passed out and dry heaved. great development.
i feel really sick though.
and the bastards didn't ask what color tape i wanted so i got lamazoid gay ass purple. yea. whatever.
spaghetti t'night woot woot.
hope i feel better?
I did better than last time.
THIS time i only *almost* passed out and dry heaved. great development.
i feel really sick though.
and the bastards didn't ask what color tape i wanted so i got lamazoid gay ass purple. yea. whatever.
spaghetti t'night woot woot.
hope i feel better?
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Sunday, March 21, 2004
Saturday, March 20, 2004
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Sunday, March 14, 2004
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Today was another bad day to add to the list of bad days. at least they're warm, right? right.
Last night i had a hardcore Kevin dream. just a tad upsetting. usually they're just dreams, no matter what we're doing or what the story is... but this time, it seemed so real. i woke up still feeling the feeling of being in his arms and the collapse within me. But then again, it was so long ago is it REALLY valid to say i remember what it felt like in the first place? just going off of rusted memories and my own assumptions.
i've been sick for FAR too long. this is, what? my 5th time being sick just since september? that's too much for just one winter if ya ask me. My brain is decaying. my throat is degrading. e gads my health has gone to hell.
but that's ok, cause i'm in one of those "PLEASE FUCKING SHOOT ME!" moods anyways. i get in them perpetually. mostly due to exhaustion that and the oncoming summmer. ew, that and my senior exit project.
well, must go. the puppy calls. (actually, the puppy is whining and the phone is ringing. same diff, right?)
Last night i had a hardcore Kevin dream. just a tad upsetting. usually they're just dreams, no matter what we're doing or what the story is... but this time, it seemed so real. i woke up still feeling the feeling of being in his arms and the collapse within me. But then again, it was so long ago is it REALLY valid to say i remember what it felt like in the first place? just going off of rusted memories and my own assumptions.
i've been sick for FAR too long. this is, what? my 5th time being sick just since september? that's too much for just one winter if ya ask me. My brain is decaying. my throat is degrading. e gads my health has gone to hell.
but that's ok, cause i'm in one of those "PLEASE FUCKING SHOOT ME!" moods anyways. i get in them perpetually. mostly due to exhaustion that and the oncoming summmer. ew, that and my senior exit project.
well, must go. the puppy calls. (actually, the puppy is whining and the phone is ringing. same diff, right?)
Saturday, March 06, 2004
Events for the day?
i went to my goddaughters bday party today. she turned 3. but our ACTUAL relation? well, her name is kayla. Kayla's mom is my brother's ex girlfriend and my nethews mom. Thus making kayla (my godaughter) my nethew's sister. get the realtionship now?
ANYWAYS at the party my sister's ex boyrfriend (jason) shows up. He is also kayla's godparent. The catch? he brought his new girlfriend. i was really hurt by it. i mean, he was like my brother sorta, more than my brothers were like my brothers. and when he broke her heart it's like he broke mine too. and seeing him again really hurt. and seeing him with this girl, really hurt. and i didn't know what to do. so i stood tere really awkward and bitter the entire time.
but that wasn't my fault.
and then, while at home, my sister called me and asked me how the party went. i told her. and this is where she proceeded to scream at me. i didn't mean to make her mad. i didn't mean to hurt her. this wasn't meant as a betrayal.
and then she hung up on me. and to all of you reading this seems like osmethign really stupid or silly or something like that.
well go fucking shove it. i don't need sympathy. i don't put shit on here so you can feel sorry for me. I write here cause i've no where else to turn.
cause, i'm sittining here in fucking tears and i have no one to call, no where to run, and... i know there are people there, but why make myself an inconvenience?
i went to my goddaughters bday party today. she turned 3. but our ACTUAL relation? well, her name is kayla. Kayla's mom is my brother's ex girlfriend and my nethews mom. Thus making kayla (my godaughter) my nethew's sister. get the realtionship now?
ANYWAYS at the party my sister's ex boyrfriend (jason) shows up. He is also kayla's godparent. The catch? he brought his new girlfriend. i was really hurt by it. i mean, he was like my brother sorta, more than my brothers were like my brothers. and when he broke her heart it's like he broke mine too. and seeing him again really hurt. and seeing him with this girl, really hurt. and i didn't know what to do. so i stood tere really awkward and bitter the entire time.
but that wasn't my fault.
and then, while at home, my sister called me and asked me how the party went. i told her. and this is where she proceeded to scream at me. i didn't mean to make her mad. i didn't mean to hurt her. this wasn't meant as a betrayal.
and then she hung up on me. and to all of you reading this seems like osmethign really stupid or silly or something like that.
well go fucking shove it. i don't need sympathy. i don't put shit on here so you can feel sorry for me. I write here cause i've no where else to turn.
cause, i'm sittining here in fucking tears and i have no one to call, no where to run, and... i know there are people there, but why make myself an inconvenience?
woot woot woot
monday coming up... 6 months? maybe...
but ANY ways!
http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/popup-frame.html
monday coming up... 6 months? maybe...
but ANY ways!
http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/popup-frame.html
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Sunday, February 29, 2004
Long time no update, love.
well, where to begin? and when shall i end?
there's too much to be caught on for catching... so lets start anew!
Hello, my name is sydney. i'm 17 years old and i livein half moon bay!
today, at the mall i bought a new black skirt, a hello kitty watch, some kick ass sunglasses (can we all sayu ladybug?), and a birthday card. good times abundant.
oh, and then i went to south city, we ate carls jr. cause the deli with sandwhiches next door was closed. prceeded by ice cream.
on my drive home i felt the need to cry, i always feel theneed to cry.
and that is all from me...
good ngith
well, where to begin? and when shall i end?
there's too much to be caught on for catching... so lets start anew!
Hello, my name is sydney. i'm 17 years old and i livein half moon bay!
today, at the mall i bought a new black skirt, a hello kitty watch, some kick ass sunglasses (can we all sayu ladybug?), and a birthday card. good times abundant.
oh, and then i went to south city, we ate carls jr. cause the deli with sandwhiches next door was closed. prceeded by ice cream.
on my drive home i felt the need to cry, i always feel theneed to cry.
and that is all from me...
good ngith
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
so last ngiht i had a dream...
it was (fanfare) a europe dream. we were still there and everyone settling in, getting rooms, and i put my stuff down and then kevin puts his stuff down next to my bed too, assuming.. ya know.... well, i don't want to sleep with him and w/o saying anything i get my stuff and i move. and i walk by tiffany and john all cutesy like. lay on a bed all by myself, and kevin walks by and deep down i want him to come in, lay with me and stuffies... but i just close my eyes and ignore him, pretend like he's not there. and then for some reason Mr. R tells us we're staying an extra 14 days. and then ms. nightengale is like "we need to find a place to stay for 6 days. AND THEN we're staying for 14 more days!" and so i got all worried, like, where the HELL would istay?!?!? and SO! tiffany and i and someone else are
blah b;ah too lazy to finish... will later
it was (fanfare) a europe dream. we were still there and everyone settling in, getting rooms, and i put my stuff down and then kevin puts his stuff down next to my bed too, assuming.. ya know.... well, i don't want to sleep with him and w/o saying anything i get my stuff and i move. and i walk by tiffany and john all cutesy like. lay on a bed all by myself, and kevin walks by and deep down i want him to come in, lay with me and stuffies... but i just close my eyes and ignore him, pretend like he's not there. and then for some reason Mr. R tells us we're staying an extra 14 days. and then ms. nightengale is like "we need to find a place to stay for 6 days. AND THEN we're staying for 14 more days!" and so i got all worried, like, where the HELL would istay?!?!? and SO! tiffany and i and someone else are
blah b;ah too lazy to finish... will later
Sunday, February 15, 2004
woot woot hawaiian good times?
or sorta alright times...
my sister's house is pretty cool, really spacious, really clean... it's all beigy neutral cool. it sorta makes me sick. or maybe it's jsut hawaii. because it's my luck, whenever we're in hawaiin i not only get really depressed but i usally get pretty physically sick as well. blech. i'm a bay area baby? whatever....
i trust everyone had a good valentines day (although i know most did not. i can still hope) cause i know i did. it was good times. let's see... hmmm... what did we doo.... first we ate, then we went to the zeum, then the park, and then the metreon, then to eat again (we're fat) and then to his house for a nice nap (i splept for like, what was it? an hour or so) and then to micheals, Kmart, then to his to watch the madeliene movie. i will never look at lace the same way. oh, and after kmart we ate again (yea. we're REALLY fat.) and... uhm... then yea? it wasn't anything like.. uber magnificent but it was still really really nice and such. :sigh:
AND THEN!!!! this morning i awoke at 5:40 (although i fell asleep at about 2) to finish my packing and head to the airport with family.
and hear i am in the glorious island of oahu.
or sorta alright times...
my sister's house is pretty cool, really spacious, really clean... it's all beigy neutral cool. it sorta makes me sick. or maybe it's jsut hawaii. because it's my luck, whenever we're in hawaiin i not only get really depressed but i usally get pretty physically sick as well. blech. i'm a bay area baby? whatever....
i trust everyone had a good valentines day (although i know most did not. i can still hope) cause i know i did. it was good times. let's see... hmmm... what did we doo.... first we ate, then we went to the zeum, then the park, and then the metreon, then to eat again (we're fat) and then to his house for a nice nap (i splept for like, what was it? an hour or so) and then to micheals, Kmart, then to his to watch the madeliene movie. i will never look at lace the same way. oh, and after kmart we ate again (yea. we're REALLY fat.) and... uhm... then yea? it wasn't anything like.. uber magnificent but it was still really really nice and such. :sigh:
AND THEN!!!! this morning i awoke at 5:40 (although i fell asleep at about 2) to finish my packing and head to the airport with family.
and hear i am in the glorious island of oahu.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
TO all those wondering...
Lysa left. she went to texas to stay with her online friend-boy. i'm REALLY worried about her. but what am i to do? we'll all jsut sit here, hoping, and praying that nothign bad happens to her. and in the words of the ever so wise riordan (HAH!) may she make all the best choices.
Lysa left. she went to texas to stay with her online friend-boy. i'm REALLY worried about her. but what am i to do? we'll all jsut sit here, hoping, and praying that nothign bad happens to her. and in the words of the ever so wise riordan (HAH!) may she make all the best choices.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
WHOA!
blog has changed itself. freaky deaky. how the hell do i work this thing!?
but.... ANYWAYS! long time no blog? mwahha.
for updates...
wednesday was tiffany's birthday. WOOT WOOT SHE'S ILLEGAL! saturday was her surprise party. loads o' fun. right? yea, whatever.
erhm.... AGHK. this new blog thing is really tweaking with me.
I have eyeliner all over me from sleeping.
but to go on with what i really came here to rant about....
WHY CAN HE STILL DO THIS TO ME?! one word and i'm totally his. one little anything and he fucks with my head so hardcore. and then i won't talk to hear from him for a couple months. i'll readjust to life without him and be quite happy WITHOUT him until he comes right back. comes back just to remind me that i can hurt.
because i love adam. i do. and "boy" has the GREATEST talent at reappearing just as adam and i have like the SLIGHTEST issue. something teeny tiny that i shoudln't care about and then there's stupid "boy" coming back for more. does this make any sense?!!? i doubt it.
ya know what? i know it doesn't.
because i really really liked "boy" but that shouldn't matter now, right? cause i'm with adam. adam and i are doing good, we're doing great. That little list inside my head that i've been adding to since the beginning of forever on what makes perfection... and so much of it is there. so much, all th emuch that matters is there with adam. and i KNOW this. "boy" doesn't make that go away.
but he adds the question... "how can you love adam if deep down you still love me?"
blog has changed itself. freaky deaky. how the hell do i work this thing!?
but.... ANYWAYS! long time no blog? mwahha.
for updates...
wednesday was tiffany's birthday. WOOT WOOT SHE'S ILLEGAL! saturday was her surprise party. loads o' fun. right? yea, whatever.
erhm.... AGHK. this new blog thing is really tweaking with me.
I have eyeliner all over me from sleeping.
but to go on with what i really came here to rant about....
WHY CAN HE STILL DO THIS TO ME?! one word and i'm totally his. one little anything and he fucks with my head so hardcore. and then i won't talk to hear from him for a couple months. i'll readjust to life without him and be quite happy WITHOUT him until he comes right back. comes back just to remind me that i can hurt.
because i love adam. i do. and "boy" has the GREATEST talent at reappearing just as adam and i have like the SLIGHTEST issue. something teeny tiny that i shoudln't care about and then there's stupid "boy" coming back for more. does this make any sense?!!? i doubt it.
ya know what? i know it doesn't.
because i really really liked "boy" but that shouldn't matter now, right? cause i'm with adam. adam and i are doing good, we're doing great. That little list inside my head that i've been adding to since the beginning of forever on what makes perfection... and so much of it is there. so much, all th emuch that matters is there with adam. and i KNOW this. "boy" doesn't make that go away.
but he adds the question... "how can you love adam if deep down you still love me?"
Monday, February 02, 2004
Sunday, February 01, 2004
create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide
The states i've visted + nevada (props to Andrea)
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Monday, January 26, 2004
In honor of bloggie fun (ah the world they've opend me up to...) dear god i'm a fucking nerd. EITHER WAY!
100 things you don't know about me...
1. i've always held the secret wish to be an artist but am not brilliant enough for inspiration.
2. I once owned a solid icy blue outfit. I called it icy blue.
3. I sleep talk
4. I'm afraid of thunder. not lightning.
5. I am somehow related to Amy Tan (although i've never met her and she's yet to know me.)
6. I'm a VERY bad dancer but i do it anyways.
7. I like chemistry.
8. I hate cats because my dad is allergic.
9. I don't like white sheets or white towels
10. I used to like Boyz-2-men
11. I could eat rice for days
12. i was vegetarian for 5 months
13. my longest running relationship with the opposite sex is 5 months
14. i hate feeling clausterphobic in a friendship
15. I learned love from a best friend in a totally platonic way
16. I wish we could have loved each other longer
17. I lost my first kiss at 15
18. I danced ballet for 7 + (i can't figure it out) years of my 17 year long life
19. I miss dancing but have lost technique, shape, and time
20. I've lost my technical and REAL virginty
21. I've had a party every birthday but 1.
22. I prefer the telephone over IM or Email
23. I'm relatively good at math
24. and english
25. But i suck at non-scholastic subjects
26. I hate puzzles, crosswordpuzzles, and bullshit of the such. i suck.
27. I love SCRABBLE!
28. I am not my brothers, or sister.
29. although i wouldn't mind being like my sister or mom.
30. They are my idols.
31. Even though she writes teeny-bop books i love Francesca Lia Block
32. Kissing is my passion.
33. I like the word DICK.
34. I don't like pussy, cunt, or vagina
35. I've never tasted the last 3.
36. I got an 1120 on my SATs
37. My middle name is Barabad. My mom's maiden name.
38. I suck at writing poems
38. I like ice cream
39. I consider myself tall
40. i like deep voices
41. Fish, bugs, reptiles, and BIRDS scare me
42. i've only filled 1 journal. I have a collection of half-filled ones.
43. i get rashes on my thighs when i run.
44. I love the sun and warmth and sunsets and rises
45. Bu tthe night enchants me
46. I want to die young
47. i'm usually quite passive
48. i like crayons
49. I have scars
50. I'm a very picky eater.
51. I collect bouncy balls
52. I think before i talk unless i'm saying somethign offensive.
53. I used to be obsessed with: sailor moon, pandas, winnie the pooh, and dark angel
54. My first crush was on a cartoon.
55. I 've had a couple other cartoon crushes
56. I'm vulgar
57. i'm shoe size 6
58. i've watched and read porn
59. i've never drinken beer.
60. i've never taken any drug
61. i've smoked a cigarette.
62. I like the Justice leauge
63. I can lick my own nipple
64. I have a green birthmark on my butt
65. and a bruise (this year) named bernard in the shape of a baby bird
66. I've never stayed awake a FULL 24 hours
67. i'm chronically late/tardy/lagging
68. I hide prom pictures in my desk
69. In middle school i used to wish that i would be valedvictorian in highschool (hah. RIGHT)
70. I once believed, quite strongly, in no sex before marriage.
71. biology interests me greatly
72. I'm a raging hornball
73. I masterbate
74. I do even though i have a boyfriend
75. I drive a Jetta wagon
76. I like techno
77. I've made out *to* techno music *in* my jetta wagon
78. i'm catholic.
79. when i *do* go to church my parents make me bring up the offerings
80. i have no door
81. My favorite tree is a madrone
82. My sister lives in Hawaii
83. I don't know how to cool
84. I usually eat things i REALLY don't like
85. I like britney. yes, we're on a first name basis.
86. I have a lip obsession...
87. And necks...
88. I read a lot of online journals and stuff...
89. i remember learning how to tie my shoes
90. i like to call myself fat
91. I like ribbons
92. I began to crack my knuckles cause my brother did and i thought he was cool.
93. My boyfriend loves me
94. And i him...
95. As of late, i've begun to like the color red.
96. My walls are white and i wish they weren't.
97. my cieling isn't flat
98. I know a million Tv show/cartoon theme songs
99. I really like cheese.
100. I'm cooler than you.
100 things you don't know about me...
1. i've always held the secret wish to be an artist but am not brilliant enough for inspiration.
2. I once owned a solid icy blue outfit. I called it icy blue.
3. I sleep talk
4. I'm afraid of thunder. not lightning.
5. I am somehow related to Amy Tan (although i've never met her and she's yet to know me.)
6. I'm a VERY bad dancer but i do it anyways.
7. I like chemistry.
8. I hate cats because my dad is allergic.
9. I don't like white sheets or white towels
10. I used to like Boyz-2-men
11. I could eat rice for days
12. i was vegetarian for 5 months
13. my longest running relationship with the opposite sex is 5 months
14. i hate feeling clausterphobic in a friendship
15. I learned love from a best friend in a totally platonic way
16. I wish we could have loved each other longer
17. I lost my first kiss at 15
18. I danced ballet for 7 + (i can't figure it out) years of my 17 year long life
19. I miss dancing but have lost technique, shape, and time
20. I've lost my technical and REAL virginty
21. I've had a party every birthday but 1.
22. I prefer the telephone over IM or Email
23. I'm relatively good at math
24. and english
25. But i suck at non-scholastic subjects
26. I hate puzzles, crosswordpuzzles, and bullshit of the such. i suck.
27. I love SCRABBLE!
28. I am not my brothers, or sister.
29. although i wouldn't mind being like my sister or mom.
30. They are my idols.
31. Even though she writes teeny-bop books i love Francesca Lia Block
32. Kissing is my passion.
33. I like the word DICK.
34. I don't like pussy, cunt, or vagina
35. I've never tasted the last 3.
36. I got an 1120 on my SATs
37. My middle name is Barabad. My mom's maiden name.
38. I suck at writing poems
38. I like ice cream
39. I consider myself tall
40. i like deep voices
41. Fish, bugs, reptiles, and BIRDS scare me
42. i've only filled 1 journal. I have a collection of half-filled ones.
43. i get rashes on my thighs when i run.
44. I love the sun and warmth and sunsets and rises
45. Bu tthe night enchants me
46. I want to die young
47. i'm usually quite passive
48. i like crayons
49. I have scars
50. I'm a very picky eater.
51. I collect bouncy balls
52. I think before i talk unless i'm saying somethign offensive.
53. I used to be obsessed with: sailor moon, pandas, winnie the pooh, and dark angel
54. My first crush was on a cartoon.
55. I 've had a couple other cartoon crushes
56. I'm vulgar
57. i'm shoe size 6
58. i've watched and read porn
59. i've never drinken beer.
60. i've never taken any drug
61. i've smoked a cigarette.
62. I like the Justice leauge
63. I can lick my own nipple
64. I have a green birthmark on my butt
65. and a bruise (this year) named bernard in the shape of a baby bird
66. I've never stayed awake a FULL 24 hours
67. i'm chronically late/tardy/lagging
68. I hide prom pictures in my desk
69. In middle school i used to wish that i would be valedvictorian in highschool (hah. RIGHT)
70. I once believed, quite strongly, in no sex before marriage.
71. biology interests me greatly
72. I'm a raging hornball
73. I masterbate
74. I do even though i have a boyfriend
75. I drive a Jetta wagon
76. I like techno
77. I've made out *to* techno music *in* my jetta wagon
78. i'm catholic.
79. when i *do* go to church my parents make me bring up the offerings
80. i have no door
81. My favorite tree is a madrone
82. My sister lives in Hawaii
83. I don't know how to cool
84. I usually eat things i REALLY don't like
85. I like britney. yes, we're on a first name basis.
86. I have a lip obsession...
87. And necks...
88. I read a lot of online journals and stuff...
89. i remember learning how to tie my shoes
90. i like to call myself fat
91. I like ribbons
92. I began to crack my knuckles cause my brother did and i thought he was cool.
93. My boyfriend loves me
94. And i him...
95. As of late, i've begun to like the color red.
96. My walls are white and i wish they weren't.
97. my cieling isn't flat
98. I know a million Tv show/cartoon theme songs
99. I really like cheese.
100. I'm cooler than you.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
ahh. first poem for creative writing class written.
Sister lonely in HI. can't wait till feb.
lysa and tiffany's bday soon. what to get?
cards to make, cakes to bake, flowers to be bought and gifts sought? (HAH! I RHYMED!)
room to clean, poop to pick up, and appointments to be made.
The wonders of current events?
Sister lonely in HI. can't wait till feb.
lysa and tiffany's bday soon. what to get?
cards to make, cakes to bake, flowers to be bought and gifts sought? (HAH! I RHYMED!)
room to clean, poop to pick up, and appointments to be made.
The wonders of current events?
Saturday, January 24, 2004
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Today i saw a broken heart in the clouds and cried from a lack of anything better to do. Just then, for a moment, i saw lush red lines of pain in the sky. THe kind that blood drips down and you keep secret with pants or sleeves or making sure his hand never brushes your legs like you know he wants to. But then i realized they're only silly thoughts that i should have abandoned long ago. Sometimes emotion fades and you're left with nothing. A big, blank nothing. The kind of hollowness that echoes and makes you want to cry.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
"It's like a heart stutter and a breath skipped and time moving too fast to catch up and the only thing that stands out is his face, his smile, his hands, the moments spent together under streetlit skies and eyes closed and gentleness and tenderness and so much there the words to describe are ungraspable. It's like the world falls apart as he falls into place. And then, everything seems worth it." (1/14/04)
Saturday, January 10, 2004
Family party at mine tonight.
anyone up for some Lichon?
what's that you ask? well.. it's a pig. a huge, grown, but dead and cooked pig. It's all laid out in all it's roasted glory. The snout is there, all four legs, the little crispy tail. It's eyes, it's ears, the whole Shabang. Honestly, it grosses me out a bit but i guess i shouldn't say that since it IS traditional blah blah blah.
People are just now starting to get here and i'm torn between the urges to pretend to be asleep and ignore ALL of them, or go upstairs and be bitter and mean all night.... Either way, i know i'll get shit for it later. I **would** try to be amiable and such but uhm... uhhh... NO.
WHY SHOULD I BE!?? it's not like any of THEM care or like me. See, in my family all the aunts and uncles took favorites, the nephews or neices they liked best. I was never one of them therefore i grew up bitter and hateful that no one liked me best. Do we all see how that has been carried on into my adolescence and become a major personal complex? well, i do. and it isn't that i blame them, i don't. I mean, it's their actions and merely my responces. I should try to keep them in check and what not. But idon't. So, either way i don't like much about my family.
I guess i'll stop being mean and pretend to be happy upstairs fo r amoment or two. Cuase, that's what i do. I'm incredibly cheery and sociable for about an hour and then it begins to get to me and i start to tweak out so i seclude myself and mope.
Typical, isn't it?
anyone up for some Lichon?
what's that you ask? well.. it's a pig. a huge, grown, but dead and cooked pig. It's all laid out in all it's roasted glory. The snout is there, all four legs, the little crispy tail. It's eyes, it's ears, the whole Shabang. Honestly, it grosses me out a bit but i guess i shouldn't say that since it IS traditional blah blah blah.
People are just now starting to get here and i'm torn between the urges to pretend to be asleep and ignore ALL of them, or go upstairs and be bitter and mean all night.... Either way, i know i'll get shit for it later. I **would** try to be amiable and such but uhm... uhhh... NO.
WHY SHOULD I BE!?? it's not like any of THEM care or like me. See, in my family all the aunts and uncles took favorites, the nephews or neices they liked best. I was never one of them therefore i grew up bitter and hateful that no one liked me best. Do we all see how that has been carried on into my adolescence and become a major personal complex? well, i do. and it isn't that i blame them, i don't. I mean, it's their actions and merely my responces. I should try to keep them in check and what not. But idon't. So, either way i don't like much about my family.
I guess i'll stop being mean and pretend to be happy upstairs fo r amoment or two. Cuase, that's what i do. I'm incredibly cheery and sociable for about an hour and then it begins to get to me and i start to tweak out so i seclude myself and mope.
Typical, isn't it?
Saturday, January 03, 2004
It's late now and after tonight i'm rather tired. I haven't been sleeping well, haven't been doing anything well. And i'm tired. so tired. But it's a nice feeling... So cold and so tired i can't feel all of this inside me. Blocks it out, makes it managable, makes it bearable until the morning when my heart breaks the news to my brain and i shut myself down.
It's like the clock is ticking down and the fight keeps raging. I'm losing. I'm losing.
I'm losing it all and it's time for breakdown. meltdown. Time for corners and tears and blood and all those razors you put away so long ago. Time for resolutions, for midnight calls, for drives to destinations unknown.
I've had enough of your promises, i don't care if they're sincere. Shut your eyes and don't whisper one more word.
I'm losing it all and it's time for breakdown. meltdown. Time for corners and tears and blood and all those razors you put away so long ago. Time for resolutions, for midnight calls, for drives to destinations unknown.
I've had enough of your promises, i don't care if they're sincere. Shut your eyes and don't whisper one more word.
