Because Heartache Is Forever

Skittle 0s (11:28:54 PM): this hurts me so much. you don't even know the half of it. I couldn't even begin to explain. and i don't even allow myself to feel any of this because i don't feel like i DESERVE to. cause i know i hurt you. i know it and that kills me. but i just CAN'T anymore.
Skittle 0s (11:29:30 PM): and you act like you don't even care. and you don't. not in the right ways. and it kills me. all over again.
NightWing SoSF (11:30:30 PM): you CAN"T think i don't care, i DO care
NightWing SoSF (11:30:37 PM): i do care if it looks like im acting like i don't care, it's cause you want me to be ok with this sydney, you know that i've been hurt and it hurts you, i knew that, so i try to be ok with it, but it's not easy
Skittle 0s (11:32:54 PM): My heart is broken too, ya know.
NightWing SoSF (11:33:36 PM): i know, and so is mine, just don't think i don' care
Skittle 0s (11:34:25 PM): but you broke my heart a long time ago.
Skittle 0s (11:34:39 PM): and i wasjust trying so hard to let that be ok. cause i love you so much.
NightWing SoSF (11:39:07 PM): yea, i know i broke your herat a long time ago, we've talked about that before
Skittle 0s (11:41:25 PM): then why didn't you care? Why couldn't you pu tme back together? I aske dyou if you had any questions because i have SO many. I have so many with no answers. Why couldn't i be worth fighting for? Why wasn't i enough? Why couldn't i be strong enough to be good for you?
NightWing SoSF (11:42:10 PM): you don't think i wanted to try to get back together. i was going to, but i remeber you telling me several times how you wanted time to be free, to be your own person, and then you tell me, don't think hawaii is us getting back togehter, and you made it very clear, almost like you didn't want me to, thats how i took it and you don't even know sydney, when i was in mexico i had a lot of time to think, and i was going to tell you so much, but you told me first.
Skittle 0s (11:44:44 PM): i don't want you to. it would hurt too much. it's too late. i'm a thousand peices now. i'm nothing now. i can't be in love with you because it rips me apart. and i've tried to take it out of me and i'm so good at not even feeling. and no one understands cause i haven't told anyone. not the real reason wehy i can't be with you anymore.
NightWing SoSF (11:45:21 PM): then tell me now
Skittle 0s (11:45:39 PM): do you know how much you meant to me? do you know howmuch of my OWN heart i had to break? how i had to realize that all my dreams. all my hopes. everything. it wasn't going to work. all my life i believed in magic. do you know how ridiculous that is? that there could be magic and hope in everyday life. that everything could be ok cause there was something there that fixed things. that there was sparkle. and that i had to GIVE UP on my own dreams. i had to give up on love. Here i am, sydney, whose done nothing her entire life but love love and hope that if i could just find it then everything would be ok. here i am, giving up, giving in. REALIZING. for teh first time... not the first time, but realizing... it's just not enough. i'm being forced to admit to myself that there is nothing to make it owrth ith. make me worth it. there is no magic. no flying. no coulds. no glitter. no sparkle.
Skittle 0s (11:48:12 PM): there's nothing.
Skittle 0s (11:48:18 PM): i have to be realistic again.
Skittle 0s (11:48:32 PM): i have to stand on the ground, both feet, hard. falling.
Skittle 0s (11:48:49 PM): i have to accept stones and sticks and concrete. This is concrete. rock bottom. solid
Skittle 0s (11:49:00 PM): it's over. i'm changed.
NightWing SoSF (11:50:23 PM): and what, you think i didn't want the smae things you did? i did, i wanted to have everyting with you, and knowing what you wanted and not being able to give it to you was hard, ok, i do want all those things with you, i had dreams to.
NightWing SoSF (11:50:49 PM): and WHAT exactly made you realize you had to give up your dreams?
Skittle 0s (11:51:03 PM): we both had dreams. but they weren't the same. What made me give up? you did.
Skittle 0s (11:52:36 PM): Cause i wasn't happy anymore and all you could tell me was "some day" and "maybe" and it was just one thing after another failing. being put off. I wanted things you couldn't give me. that it wasn't fair for me to want in teh first place. and it hurt so much that i had to give up. I had to give up. Every day hurt. every moment. each time you said you loved me and i had to say it back. everything hurt.
Skittle 0s (11:53:11 PM): When we had sex it was just sex and half the time i didn't even want, didn't FEEL it. but did it and initiated it cause it was the only way i could feel close to you again.
Skittle 0s (11:53:47 PM): I wanted too much. I loved too much. I placed too much in you. I guess that was my mistake. It was unfair of me. wrong of me. i shouldn't have.
NightWing SoSF (11:55:32 PM): sydney i would do anything for you, and you knwo i would give you those things if i could, our dreams weren't different, ok, i would love to able to be with you every night share a life together, not see you all day and know it's ok cuase you'd be there at night and don't think thats all, there were more dreams than that, i wanted to give it all to you and it hurt that i couldn't cause it was out of my reach, but that doesn't mean i forgot about it, that i gave up cause it couldn't happen now
Skittle 0s (11:57:15 PM): If we both really wanted it then we could have made it work. we could have done it. taken the rick. made the fall. but you weren't ready. you weren't ever ready. you wanted to give me things but when did you ever try? i mean REALLY try, did you?
Skittle 0s (11:58:09 PM): i realized a long long time ago that if i were to marry you i'd always have to wonder "does he REALLY love me in teh way that i've always wanted to be loved or did he just settle on me, cause i was enough?"
Skittle 0s (11:58:42 PM): And the fact that you just let it all go just confirmed it. that i wasn't It, ya know?
NightWing SoSF (12:02:04 AM): how can you say that sydney, how can you say that i didn't love you the same way, or that i just settled on you, thats not the case at all, your more than i could ever ask for, in my mind you were always beyond perfect, i wanted to have everything with you, i tried so hard to figure things out for us sydney, i wanted to be together i DID want to take those risks, i would always look at appt. online, throgh all those dam realistate things, i even started to my savings account for that reason,
NightWing SoSF (12:02:29 AM): i wanted it all to work for us, i wanted to make it happen, NightWing SoSF (12:03:28 AM): i was thinking about not going to school to work full time, cause this summer i realized how much money we could make togehtetr, and after i got my raises how much it would be,
NightWing SoSF (12:03:54 AM): ok, so i put thought into it, don't think i let those ideas go, i wanted those things to
NightWing SoSF (12:04:26 AM): i wanted to go on trips with you, i wanted to go to paris with you, i wanted them to,
Skittle 0s (12:05:21 AM): we both wanted so much. too much. and we both couldn't give enough. and this is where it's left us. alone and angry. sad mostly. trying to forge a friendship out of a ruined relationship.
NightWing SoSF (12:06:28 AM): im sorry, i hate talking to you like this, i don't want it to sound like im angry,
Skittle 0s (12:08:06 AM): i'm angry.
NightWing SoSF (12:09:36 AM): i want to be angry, i wanted to hate you, but i can't, i love you sydney, i...idon't know
NightWing SoSF (12:10:37 AM): what are you thinking about?
Skittle 0s (12:12:03 AM): That all you've ever done is just give in.
NightWing SoSF (12:19:13 AM): are you sure you still want me to go?
Skittle 0s (12:19:49 AM): How else will we ever get used to each other? it'll be fun. we can forget all this and just have fun. pretend likethings don't hurt. pretend like we really are best friends.
i originally wanted you to go so i could at least remember what it feels like to be in your arms again before i fully let go. Before i let go of the parts of myself you'll always have. And to learn how you and i will still be friends.
NightWing SoSF (12:21:14 AM): and did that change at all
Skittle 0s (12:22:21 AM): yes and no.
Skittle 0s (12:22:23 AM): either way i need you to go if that's ok
NightWing SoSF (12:22:33 AM): of course