A Testament

I just wanted to tell you that i wish you were here. To hold me again. To soothe away the cold in golden light.

I watched as we made love marveling at your beauty. Only Love could do this. Or the the other way around.

I wanted to beg you to take me back. Please. please. please. But the words find no ground to stand on.

No foundation.

I wipe away your tears. First with my fingers, delicate, beautiful. Then my sleeve. They come quicker.

I turn away as your hand reaches for mine.

I could never give you my misery. Do you see that? That it's so much apart of me that i witheld from you. that it's what makes me but i could never give to you.

I never wanted it to hurt. I never wanted it to hurt.

Through tears and darkness (there is no amber light), through sobs and chokes and a pillow to cover the anger, through the sounds of your shatters, "I wanted to love you for the rest of my life."

And i know i will. I know I will.

She says she's had the love of her life. And I know I have too. She says it's meaningless and i realize for the first time... it is, it really is.

every moment we have i remind myself, i hear the voice inside, it says "this is the last time."

Have you ever seen the beauty of the sky? Captivating. She'll beg you.

pick up and drop third person. Build up then demolish these walls. No more distance, no more lies. Just her. Just her.

please. please. I'm sorry.

I only ever made love to you. All the jokes aside, all the stories she'll tell the world. They're for laughs. She wanted you for life. No one will ever understand that all she ever wanted was you. All of you. But you never gave either.

Sometimes i can't feelmyself. Sometimes i find myself running. Sometimes it's no longer me.

I'm most beautiful in tears. Younger. Weaker. Graceful.

Your muscles tense and i can feel you fighting. I can feel you closing. I can feel you turning away. "She waited and waited. and now she's turned away."

But you never read that one. You never knew the words to her soul. She didn't want you to. SHe was dying for you to.

She wants no one to read this other than you. She wants no one to know but you. She can't form the words and so she'll put them here. All the rest will laugh. All the rest will scoff. This is no secret. But she has no other way to tell you. No other way to show.

She hopes and hopes and she knows you won't find it. Won't find her.

Stop it. Drop it.

I hope and I hope and I know you'll never find it. I know you won't look.