A rant you'll want to not read

This is so fucking frustrating. this is so fucking irritating. it's all fucke dup. why can't anyone see that?! why can't the right people jsut shut the fuck up and teh right ones just open their fucking mouths for once.

Is my swearing eloquent? hell fucking yes it is. like i give a shit.

I'm so goddamned angyr. I'm angry at the people around me. i'm angry at our interactions. i'm angry and practically everything.

Why can't i get my way. why can't i stomp and scream. so what if i'm a brat. stubborn. an ass. call it what you will.call me what you fucking will.
To my number 1: why the FUCK is it fair that you're so goddamned aloof. Oh sure, leave vauge comments and only imply thigns that can be taken a thousand different ways. why is it that someone that knows me for barely a moment can fucking pour his heart out to me and you can't!? don't tell me weight words. don't fucking pull that shit. You wanted to save this you could. Say one fuckign thing right and i'd be yours. don't you see that? he give me a thousand things you never mother fucking could. you couldn't. you can't. you say you try and it just doesn't work. Say you try and it just doesn't work. How is it that a boy i barely believes cares about me can make me feel like i'm fucking cared about and there you are calm and cool. fuck it your cold. you're cold. You fuck me and then treat me lik ei'm nothign. yea, we fucked big deal. YEA BIG FUCKING DEAL. So what if i'm the same way. I'm just waiting. i'm waiting and waiting and i'm waiting. i'm waiting for the fucking word an di'll be yours again. but you can't can you. i'm not worth that am i. not to you. not to you. you can't fucking give me the things i need because it's too much of an effort. You want to save this?! you want to fucking save this?! I can't do this anymore. i can't be this anymore. It's all ridiculous. one moment i want you to act one way. another moment another way. Can't anyone fucking see?! can't you all see? i want all of him. all of him. don't feed me bullshit about how i love too easily. I want all of it. I want all of it. I want you to hate me an di want you to love me and i want you to shun me and i want you to want me. but i get none of that. i get fucking none of that. and you expect me to believe you want to save this?! you expect me to believe that? cause i've gone in on knees. i've extended hands. arms. whole bodies. and you can't see that for what it's worth. you can't fucking see that. I've called and wrote and messaged and blogged and OH DEAR GOD i'm fucking pathetic. it's fucking pathetic. well after tonight i'm over it. because this is just too much. it's too much and if you expect me to believe a damn thing you say you better start acting it.

My Second: You want to know my side of it? you want to know my take? you want to know the thoughts that fill the silence? well here it goes. you act a complete asshole. you say you don't tease all the time. you do. you SO fucking do. and you say it's all in tease. it's all in joke. that's a fucking lie. Listen to the tone in your voice. It's truth intended for harm. yea, truth. yea, harm. don't backtrack now. don't explain it now. Stop crying for the bruises you'll inflict. i mean, FUCK, lyou want to know what i'm really thinking? i think you're full of shit. You say you care one moment and you're writing these fucking beautiful emails (go ahead everyone, laugh itup) and then the moment it's moment by moment interaction it's like you're beating me right down. right down right down. "oh what, sydney? you what? insecure? what? oh yea, you told me about that... but HEY! wanna know something funny? i'll play on that till i piss you the fuck off and you decide to hate me and then i'll make it up to you again." that's what i'm fucking hearing. That's what you're fukcing saying. you feed me crap like, yes, feed me crap, like kevin did. like jason did. and yea, whatever, hurts to be compared to other boys. IT HURTS TO REALIZE YOU'RE JUST LIKE THEM. feed me crap for a sort of instant gratification. go ahead, have me hanging on your every last word and then, just when you have me, just when you have me, just when you have me. throw them. go ahead. throw them. As hard as you can. as hurtful as you can. Just let it all go. But hey, don't get mad, don't get hurt, it's all in fun. Oh, and i'm sorry but, you expect me to just accept and toughen because it's a part of you and who you are. i"m supposed to conform to what YOU are, but me? oh heavens no. god forbid. there is goes again. no one has ever brought me on edge as often as you. No one has ever made me so mother fucking defensive. and yes. defensive easilly turns to offensive. but if i were to pull some shit like "hey, get fucking used to it" then who gets made out to be the bitch? who's called the heartbreaker along with guilt? who's the one that has to carry the weight all day of knowing that hey, perhaps, worst person of the world has jsut been nominated. go ahead. raise your voice. scream at me. this isn't mother fuckign working it out. this isn't "healthY' like i ever knew what that shit was anyways. I listen to you talk and talk and weave and weave and i have no mother fucking idea how to take you. what to take as truth and lie. as ground or sky. it's fucking ridiculous. need a break? good for you. here it goes. Goodnight means goodbye and break means i hope you're fucking happy now. But wait, before you get too hurt, know i really mean that. What? confused by tone and past interaction? i'm sorry. no i'm not. confused? frustrated? aw, how sad. because if sydney feels it it's TOTALLY laugh worthy, unfounded, and ridiculous.

well how about this world, just fuck off.

how's that for melodramatic. how's that for ridiculous. don't you dare fucking look down on me, all of you assholes, reading. this is mine. not yours. this is my mother fucking space. not yours. like i write here so you can critique me on what level of a person you find me. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. all of everyone parading as a something. Parading like they give a shit.

enough of the jokes. enough of the implications. enough of the backhanded compliments. the sugar coated insults.

and so i have it all out of my system now so goodnight.