The tears come continuously and the sobs are only mostly muted. She's talking and talking and in the background, what's that noise? The sound of shatters.

She doesn't know what she wants anymore

+

I understand a lot of things right now. I'm at a "crossroads" if you will. I understand that i'm at a hard point in my life right now. That one moment there is unfounded anger. others frustrating obstinancy. Most times there's moodiness uncontendable. She knows that one moment she loves him. THe next, a different him.

The second got her riled up tonight. She finally had the balls enough for the first.

she's exhausted. so utterly emotionally exhausted. She can't breathe from the weight, the pressure. She wants to apologize but doesn't know to which. She's sorry for both but can only handle her knees one at a time. LIke she should have only handled screams one at a time. Tonight is twofertwofers. DO you remember that joke? none of you would, you weren't there at the time.

she wants to let it all go. let it all go. turn off the computer. stop all the calls. close her eyes. let it all go. move on from here, sydney, move on. build something new, sydney, build something new. forget the first. forget the second. Let it go, she says.

SHe can't. she can't.