Wednesday, August 31, 2005

A Letter of Sorts, a Confession

I don't know what to say.

I know you'll read this.

I thought of you all day.

I'm making a choice. Two seperate ones. And i have no idea what i should do. I have no idea what i'm feeling.

I meant it when i said that there would be an easy way and a hard way. And we'd have to decide which was which. And which was right or wrong. Well I don't know. I can't decide.

There's a difference between a need and a want. And i'm not sure which is which. I'm not sure about much of anything, i know.

I mean, if things were easy would they really be worth it? But what if things are hard and they turn out to be just as unworthy?

It's not ok for me to withdraw and be distant, but it is for you?

needless to say I'm drowning. Needless to say I'm drowning.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

A List of Images

At a stop in the road, suddenly. she breaks. Imagine the tears. the red eyes. imagine it. She looks up to see if you're there. You're not. She isn't surprised. It's warm out and there are cherry blossom leaves on the ground. They're burgundy.

+

She buys boxes and grabs a box of razor blades. Only one intent. She imagines what it will feel like. While in line se worries they'll know. Worries they can see the swell in her eyes and that she'll be too expressive. She puts them back.

+

Consider this: A vase. two. perhaps a vase. perhaps a jug, a pitcher. Maybe they're glass. Maybe they're blue. Decorated. Tilting. Pouring. Liquid.

Imagine that. She needs that now. Anyone's lips. A soul meets a soul. a heart a heart. the give and share of emotions. She holds back.

+

She thinks about cutting her hair. Getting a new tatoo. A new way to deface her body.

She remembers the box of blades at the store.

+

Picture this: silver savior. cliffs. rocks. it'd be so easy. it'd be so hard. Imagine the wind blowing through your hair, the way it would feel to be free.

Picture this: in a moment two tin cans of life collide. They crush and Crumble. They're no magnets. repelled by heart force.

+

She doesn't care anymore. there's too much. Farther farther.

iceburgs

+

Sunken and she tried so hard to be.

+

Vomit. colored with breakfast. Colored with blood. Toilet swirling, eyes wiped, a glance in the mirror. look at what you are.

more vomit.

+

The warmth and the cold. the mixing. it make syou nauseous.

She thinks of all the words she gave away. The ones she won't get back.

it's too late now. it's too late. don't try and more it's too late.

+

Consider this:

She stands isolated, not by force, of free will.

Consider this:

She's watching you, her eyes burning (not from tears, don't be mistaken) and she won't see a thing.

She doesn't want to anymore.

Thinking I'd Go

THe walls are thin tonight as they listen to her sob. A soul is made of several compartments. One is passion. One is compassion. Which is she crying for? which is she striving for? What do you hear between the lines?

She's weak. She wants you to know that. She's weak. go ahead, think of obscure references she'll use next... Jello, ribbons, strings, birds, giraffes even (wann ahear that one? it's pretty funny. i'll tell you later)

Now where do you apply? where do you fit in? She was supposed to be a peice to your puzzle (yes she's addressing you.) was she thepeice towards completion? or was she the one you misplace in the confusion and you come to end and realize you did all the work but there's a hole there. a tiny one. not enough to take away from thepicture but there anyways. Or was she the child you encountered that stomped around making monster noises and crushed it all? We'll all go with the last. It's a far more entertaining idea. A far more fitting one with her day to day personality. You can all imagine it, i know you can, her arms and legs raised, maybe she's in pigtails making a scrunchy face, baring teeth in the silliest sort of way. opening her mouth to wide. stomping like a godzilla going "roooarrr" Isn't it amusing? almost cute?

She met someone beautiful tonight but was afraid to talk in fear of being in awe of her for the rest of her life. WOuldn't that be awful? To love someone so impossible.

Oh wait, is that what this is? hah.

Let's laugh. all at once. Point your finger.

Are you ready?
The tears come continuously and the sobs are only mostly muted. She's talking and talking and in the background, what's that noise? The sound of shatters.

She doesn't know what she wants anymore

+

I understand a lot of things right now. I'm at a "crossroads" if you will. I understand that i'm at a hard point in my life right now. That one moment there is unfounded anger. others frustrating obstinancy. Most times there's moodiness uncontendable. She knows that one moment she loves him. THe next, a different him.

The second got her riled up tonight. She finally had the balls enough for the first.

she's exhausted. so utterly emotionally exhausted. She can't breathe from the weight, the pressure. She wants to apologize but doesn't know to which. She's sorry for both but can only handle her knees one at a time. LIke she should have only handled screams one at a time. Tonight is twofertwofers. DO you remember that joke? none of you would, you weren't there at the time.

she wants to let it all go. let it all go. turn off the computer. stop all the calls. close her eyes. let it all go. move on from here, sydney, move on. build something new, sydney, build something new. forget the first. forget the second. Let it go, she says.

SHe can't. she can't.

A rant you'll want to not read

This is so fucking frustrating. this is so fucking irritating. it's all fucke dup. why can't anyone see that?! why can't the right people jsut shut the fuck up and teh right ones just open their fucking mouths for once.

Is my swearing eloquent? hell fucking yes it is. like i give a shit.

I'm so goddamned angyr. I'm angry at the people around me. i'm angry at our interactions. i'm angry and practically everything.

Why can't i get my way. why can't i stomp and scream. so what if i'm a brat. stubborn. an ass. call it what you will.call me what you fucking will.
To my number 1: why the FUCK is it fair that you're so goddamned aloof. Oh sure, leave vauge comments and only imply thigns that can be taken a thousand different ways. why is it that someone that knows me for barely a moment can fucking pour his heart out to me and you can't!? don't tell me weight words. don't fucking pull that shit. You wanted to save this you could. Say one fuckign thing right and i'd be yours. don't you see that? he give me a thousand things you never mother fucking could. you couldn't. you can't. you say you try and it just doesn't work. Say you try and it just doesn't work. How is it that a boy i barely believes cares about me can make me feel like i'm fucking cared about and there you are calm and cool. fuck it your cold. you're cold. You fuck me and then treat me lik ei'm nothign. yea, we fucked big deal. YEA BIG FUCKING DEAL. So what if i'm the same way. I'm just waiting. i'm waiting and waiting and i'm waiting. i'm waiting for the fucking word an di'll be yours again. but you can't can you. i'm not worth that am i. not to you. not to you. you can't fucking give me the things i need because it's too much of an effort. You want to save this?! you want to fucking save this?! I can't do this anymore. i can't be this anymore. It's all ridiculous. one moment i want you to act one way. another moment another way. Can't anyone fucking see?! can't you all see? i want all of him. all of him. don't feed me bullshit about how i love too easily. I want all of it. I want all of it. I want you to hate me an di want you to love me and i want you to shun me and i want you to want me. but i get none of that. i get fucking none of that. and you expect me to believe you want to save this?! you expect me to believe that? cause i've gone in on knees. i've extended hands. arms. whole bodies. and you can't see that for what it's worth. you can't fucking see that. I've called and wrote and messaged and blogged and OH DEAR GOD i'm fucking pathetic. it's fucking pathetic. well after tonight i'm over it. because this is just too much. it's too much and if you expect me to believe a damn thing you say you better start acting it.

My Second: You want to know my side of it? you want to know my take? you want to know the thoughts that fill the silence? well here it goes. you act a complete asshole. you say you don't tease all the time. you do. you SO fucking do. and you say it's all in tease. it's all in joke. that's a fucking lie. Listen to the tone in your voice. It's truth intended for harm. yea, truth. yea, harm. don't backtrack now. don't explain it now. Stop crying for the bruises you'll inflict. i mean, FUCK, lyou want to know what i'm really thinking? i think you're full of shit. You say you care one moment and you're writing these fucking beautiful emails (go ahead everyone, laugh itup) and then the moment it's moment by moment interaction it's like you're beating me right down. right down right down. "oh what, sydney? you what? insecure? what? oh yea, you told me about that... but HEY! wanna know something funny? i'll play on that till i piss you the fuck off and you decide to hate me and then i'll make it up to you again." that's what i'm fucking hearing. That's what you're fukcing saying. you feed me crap like, yes, feed me crap, like kevin did. like jason did. and yea, whatever, hurts to be compared to other boys. IT HURTS TO REALIZE YOU'RE JUST LIKE THEM. feed me crap for a sort of instant gratification. go ahead, have me hanging on your every last word and then, just when you have me, just when you have me, just when you have me. throw them. go ahead. throw them. As hard as you can. as hurtful as you can. Just let it all go. But hey, don't get mad, don't get hurt, it's all in fun. Oh, and i'm sorry but, you expect me to just accept and toughen because it's a part of you and who you are. i"m supposed to conform to what YOU are, but me? oh heavens no. god forbid. there is goes again. no one has ever brought me on edge as often as you. No one has ever made me so mother fucking defensive. and yes. defensive easilly turns to offensive. but if i were to pull some shit like "hey, get fucking used to it" then who gets made out to be the bitch? who's called the heartbreaker along with guilt? who's the one that has to carry the weight all day of knowing that hey, perhaps, worst person of the world has jsut been nominated. go ahead. raise your voice. scream at me. this isn't mother fuckign working it out. this isn't "healthY' like i ever knew what that shit was anyways. I listen to you talk and talk and weave and weave and i have no mother fucking idea how to take you. what to take as truth and lie. as ground or sky. it's fucking ridiculous. need a break? good for you. here it goes. Goodnight means goodbye and break means i hope you're fucking happy now. But wait, before you get too hurt, know i really mean that. What? confused by tone and past interaction? i'm sorry. no i'm not. confused? frustrated? aw, how sad. because if sydney feels it it's TOTALLY laugh worthy, unfounded, and ridiculous.

well how about this world, just fuck off.

how's that for melodramatic. how's that for ridiculous. don't you dare fucking look down on me, all of you assholes, reading. this is mine. not yours. this is my mother fucking space. not yours. like i write here so you can critique me on what level of a person you find me. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. all of everyone parading as a something. Parading like they give a shit.

enough of the jokes. enough of the implications. enough of the backhanded compliments. the sugar coated insults.

and so i have it all out of my system now so goodnight.

Monday, August 29, 2005

This Isn't About Regret, It's About Something Entirely New.

The wind blew her hair free. Did you see it?

He said he likes it when she smiles, laughs. She's happy at the thought cause all she ever wanted was to shine. She wanted something within her that made her Fall-In-Love worthy. You know the kind, the ones in movies that time goes in slow motion for. The kind that get heart breaking montages. The kind that are beautiful. singular. and not, not cingular.

SHe wanted to be all that and never found it within herself. wanted you to. Wanted you to show her, prove to her, that she had it all along. But she doesn't.

Silly girl, she doesn't. SHe doesn't even have a beautiful misery. But she does have these moments. The wind has blown her hair free.

But she's no shampoo commercial. She get's no sexy music, a toss of the head. She's unkept, like always. She's bordering dirty, like always. She's no perfect face beauty.

She knows her flaws, magnified. larger than anyone else can see. She knows her perfections. larger than anyone else can see.

She knows her own darks and lights (she's brown). She knows her straights and curls (she's waved). She knows the contours of her body. Her ugliness and her opposite that. She knows the way she's looked at and the way she wants to be.

But she doesn't know everything. Not anymore. SHe doesn't know her heart. She doesn't know yours. She doesn't know that they're the same. She doesn't know pain. she doesn't know freedom. SHe knows nothing.

But here she is, palms up, open, waiting. Her eyes shine from the sun, or maybe it's from tears. Her mouth pouts. Maybe to hide her smile. Maybe to hide her pain. Nkaed and clothes.

Here she stands, the wind has blown her hair down.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Another Apology Too Late

She only learned what love was when she began to love you. She only learned to breathe when your lips met hers.

She was only alive when you held her heart.

And she loves you. she loves you. with all that she is she loves you.

A Pretty Dancer for Your Cries

Quickly, she smiles.
Little hands, little feet.
Little heart.
She turns and turns. pirouettes.
Arms, legs, poised.

Quietly she weeps.
Quietly she sings.
Quickly she smiles.

Bleeding and pleading and begging.

Pathetic, she turns and turns.
The world blurs and blurs.

And she stops for a moment.

stops for a breath.
stops for you, her love.
Stops you, her love.
Stops a breath for you.
her love.

Her hair is fixed.
pretty in misery
pretty in darkness.

with the lights dimmed.
no more imperfections.
with your eyes half closed
no more imperfections.

Quietly she hides.
quietly she turns
quietly you'll slip from her heart
her memory
Quickly she smiles.

Her back is aching
breaking.
not her heart this time.

her body.
Remember, body, the way it feels
to move like this
to be seen like this.

to glide like this.

Quietly
Quietly

remember, forget, body,
What it feels like
to be taken like this.
to give like this.

Turning and turning.
Rocking.

Quietly, Quietly.

Quickly.

A Testament

I just wanted to tell you that i wish you were here. To hold me again. To soothe away the cold in golden light.

I watched as we made love marveling at your beauty. Only Love could do this. Or the the other way around.

I wanted to beg you to take me back. Please. please. please. But the words find no ground to stand on.

No foundation.

I wipe away your tears. First with my fingers, delicate, beautiful. Then my sleeve. They come quicker.

I turn away as your hand reaches for mine.

I could never give you my misery. Do you see that? That it's so much apart of me that i witheld from you. that it's what makes me but i could never give to you.

I never wanted it to hurt. I never wanted it to hurt.

Through tears and darkness (there is no amber light), through sobs and chokes and a pillow to cover the anger, through the sounds of your shatters, "I wanted to love you for the rest of my life."

And i know i will. I know I will.

She says she's had the love of her life. And I know I have too. She says it's meaningless and i realize for the first time... it is, it really is.

every moment we have i remind myself, i hear the voice inside, it says "this is the last time."

Have you ever seen the beauty of the sky? Captivating. She'll beg you.

pick up and drop third person. Build up then demolish these walls. No more distance, no more lies. Just her. Just her.

please. please. I'm sorry.

I only ever made love to you. All the jokes aside, all the stories she'll tell the world. They're for laughs. She wanted you for life. No one will ever understand that all she ever wanted was you. All of you. But you never gave either.

Sometimes i can't feelmyself. Sometimes i find myself running. Sometimes it's no longer me.

I'm most beautiful in tears. Younger. Weaker. Graceful.

Your muscles tense and i can feel you fighting. I can feel you closing. I can feel you turning away. "She waited and waited. and now she's turned away."

But you never read that one. You never knew the words to her soul. She didn't want you to. SHe was dying for you to.

She wants no one to read this other than you. She wants no one to know but you. She can't form the words and so she'll put them here. All the rest will laugh. All the rest will scoff. This is no secret. But she has no other way to tell you. No other way to show.

She hopes and hopes and she knows you won't find it. Won't find her.

Stop it. Drop it.

I hope and I hope and I know you'll never find it. I know you won't look.

Omissions are Betrayals

They kissed in sobs until a solitary tear finally slipped. A shining pathway along the curve of her beauty. Just one. To pool at her lips. A taste of Agony.

She doesn't deserve to have anyone wipe this pain away. She doesn't deserve your heart. anymore.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Mountains

Sad and tired in a different sense of it. She begged and pleaded last night. Let's spit on her now.

A handful of appointments, dates, meetings. An excuse for communication and friendship over a meal.

She has nothign to say, only an obligation. SHe looks pretty today. Clean. Preened. Ready.

She caught a glimpse of herself naked in a mirror. took a picture.

Whore.

She just wanted you there. Wanted to feel you beside her. Wanted you to hold her hand. Wanted to feel ok again. Wanted to curl her body into yours, arms, hands, warmth. WAnted to cry.

Well she's crying now.

She's crying. and crying. and all alone.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

A Parting Thought

She wanted to ask you something but there was no question to direct. She wanted reassurance but was unsure of the doubt. She wanted you to tell her something. anything.

It's just a feeling of something unanswered, something left hanging.
Her breast with lace at the neckline, in the darkness of her room. They're full and she feels her own sense of beauty, waits for someone to admire. They never come.

She remembers the feeling of you there, there inside her, pushing and demanding. She knows she never enjoyed it but wanted it anyways. She remembers the way you looked in light but you never took her in anything but darkness. Anything but eyes closed. She can't see herself like this, the way her body moves and submits to yours.

Your smell is heavy in the air, almost pungent, she won't ever forget. She tries to block out her mind but can't.

She thinks of herself slaughtered and raw, put upon a table for inspection, for use. She thinks of cold and goose bumps. The way her skin responds to your every move (they're not caresses). Hair raised. Cringing. She thinks of the blood of thawing meat, the death and liquid of it all. She thinks of families and babies and the distance between your eyes and nose. For a moment she's worried, concerned, but let's it go. She wonders if it's always been this rough. hard.

Memories of past lovers are forced away.

Now, alone, she thinks of herself. the folds and wetness. the way it would feel to masterbate again. The vulgarity. She's disgusted by her sex, refuses the idea and thinks of words instead.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

She Looks good in White Tonight. She Always Does.

Fingers deep in flesh pulling and pleading through the darkness. You wonder why she cringed? She can feel you against her back, your sex, your need.

Dirty Whore. Dirty Slut.

Can we say it was spite? she deserves it.

Lips always wet and always wanting. Wanting more than she could give. You call this love? that's ridiculous.

She doesn't know how to push away your hands anymore. She kisses sometimes because she's too tired to resist. Too tired to keep putting you off.

Attention you want? Try tender words and whispers. Try stopping. try waiting. try a littl ebit of anything.

Your body is not made for hers, she can feel it.

grabbing her and grabbing her and you're always naked. your tounge is in her mouth and that's disgusting. It never was before. But here in the cold, far past midnight, with lovers in the room over, it is.

She's the giving type, you know. The bending and breaking type. She's the inside strong type because the outside never mattered.

(the bruise is from you, she'll whisper but never say aloud.)

Guilt? Of course she feels it. It's all her fault and maybe that's the most revolting of all.

A Love Affair with Poetry

We'll start dressed and civil.
Hard and jacketed.

Lean your arms back,
stretch yourself,
widen your legs.

Feel the way your mouth moves.

Your tounge.
Your lips.

Feel your breath escape you.

The rush and Pull.

Your heart beats faster now.

This is nothing simple
nothing easy
nothing new

Your soul meets another

feel the rocking,
the rhythm.

Bite your lip in anticipation.

This is far more
beautiful
enticing
captivating
enchanting

than sex could ever be.

You gasp a way your lover
never
made you gasp.

You're taken in a way
your lover never took.

Your heart aches
and loves
and needs

in a way
no lover

Could make you.

It makes you feel.

the real kind.

the way no lover ever could.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Lonely Hearts Reach

Because it's too hard to let the tears fall she'll just let it all go. "I was never worth fighting for" she cried and then threw herself down. Didn't bother to lift a finger. Well they're all pointed at her now.

Everybody's waiting. expecting. Watch what she'll do, she's made her bed. Can she sleep tonight?

We all know she won't. She'll toss and turn with dreams that seem to real. She'll think of all the mistakes, all the let downs, all the time she knows she broke your heart.

Keep her awake, just a moment longer. Keep screaming. Keep screaming.

It's redundant to say she's overwhelmed again. we all know she loves it. The stress. the pain. The work of it all.

Did you want to know her secrets? her stories? all the background information she's been too closed to give? She has more than you think. She has less than you think.

She once heard the term "cry-ball" to explain the blockage of emotions in the back of her throat. The sob dying to be released, the scream of utter agony that won't ever be let free. That's what this is, this feeling. This choking. choking. choking.

suffocating.

She just wanted you to hold her the right way. The way to make it all better. The perfect Way.

She wanted to love you, don't be stupid. We all know she did. She wanted to let you be everything, but forcing wouldn't work.

She's hurting again because that's what she does. Clinical, that's what she wants to tell you. She wanted to tell you.

She's reading books and letting herself go. Every action is heavy, watch her drag, watch her work, watch her wither under your gaze.

Is she shining?

She isn't anymore.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

The Stars are Out Tonight But There's No Shine

At the presentation of infinity,
of eternity

At the thought of the universe
all that it holds

My heart will still ache
for you.

And i'll miss


our love.

Monday, August 15, 2005

A Metaphor For You, The Love I'll Leave Behind

Upon the departure of a paradise she sees the sun for the first time. She sees the mountains for all their beauty. She sees the water, the trees, she sees the power of everything around her.

She realizes this will the last time here. Last moment at this windowsill, last time in his arms.

And she knows she'll miss it. That she won't think of it often but when she does it'll be with a slight ache. Only slight, she promises.

But she's ready now. Ready for flight, scenery change.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

A Fortune for Your Love

He gave things up for her. We'll call them sacrifices of love. He gave up parts of himself for her.

But didn't she do the same? Didn't they give and give and give up till they were just each other?

Did you want to know the routine? the obligation to say "i love you?"

He's always been a fan but he told her he hated it.

So she could have it.

It's the little things that affect us the most, i guess. It's the little things that hurt the most, i guess.

Skip It, Bitch.

blah blah blah. all these godforsaken ENTRIES! geez loise, sydney, the world isn't ending. LIGHTEN UP.

So people, people that read this... the following being Laura, Lysa, Adolfo (occcassionally i think?) uhm, milo sometimes and :thinks: does andrea read this? I dunnno... wierd.

ANYWAYS!

Hawaii is beautiful, it always has been. And for the pst, god, what has it been? 2 years? 3? either way, it's been my second home. And i've always hated it. I mean, come on, small island? mega heat? sunblock? not my thing.

bot oooh! you'll be SO proud! the other day when we went tot he beach before i let myself doze off in the sickening heat i put on sunscreen. First time i've ever by choice. I thought it was a very adult deciscion of me (do you liek how i can't type and am completely unwillinging to fix it?). I mean, i'm brown. why SHOULD i put on sunscreen?! cancer? pfsht. whatev.

School starts soon... I'm considering taking a lit. class cause I really need something to keep me going to school. I'm taking all these classes that are SO not my thing just cause i need to get it done. i've almost completely changed my mind about the paris thing and am currently more concerned about where i'll transfer next. I should be more than ready to do school credit wise by this time next year. (wait, i've got like 30 some off units plus this semester plus spring should be like, whaT? 60 something something? plus next summer should round me up to optimal 80?) It's gotta be out of the Bay Area. I'mnot REALLY a fan of so cal or hawaii. So i'm unsure of where to go. You all basically know me... I've a penchant for big cities and sunsets. Anyone know of anywhere? suggestions or some such...

gee golly. i'm so sick of hawaii. I want to go home. Let's go dancing! (pout face) what a boring entry this has been. All wanna hear a GREAT story? (milo's already heard it)

We all went to the mall and blah blah blah wandering about somethign something blah. and we're in the disney store and i was being a dork, like always, and putting the funy costume things over my head. and then, like a light from heaven, with glitter upon her and songs of sweet harmony surrounding I saw it. A motha' fuckin' skip it, yo. That's when i realized, all throughout my EVER SO deprived childhood where i toiled away at chiseling happiness from utter despair (i'm being melodramatic and funny, i'm SO not serious) i had never ever skipped a skip it (i'm serious about this part though). I mean, we all remember those commercials where they sing over and over "skip it, skip it, all you've gotta do is skip it skip it." well, this little girl never skipped anything. I mastered hopscotch, i'll tell you that. Hula hooping i JUST now got down like a couple months ago (i had hula hooped previously but now, thanks to Emily, i've got that shit down pat). Not to say i was in a constant state of need, i seemed to get by in life just fine not possessing the talent of jumping about a ball anchored to my leg.

But here's the sad part of the story, here's where the going gets tough and story thickens. It's where we all stand on edge, close to tears, hoping KNOWING that everythign must it just MUST turn out all right. We were in a store. And in this store, those cretins, they decided to attach a skip it to a big peice of cardboard. It's called packaging. And while it may be all pretty and pink it VERY much hindered my desire to... well, it hindered my desire to skip that shit. So i walked away with a slight remark of how i've never skipped.

And now to introduce the heroine of my story. Her name is Grace and although we've had questions as to our twin connection we ARE IN FACT 8 years apart. And so a lotof my childhood (well all of it, really) has her to thank. And so, in light of that, she decided, hell, my sister will play with this fucking toy. And with pride in her eye and trumpety sounding music all around She tore it down and ripped it free. She liberated the toy that i held so dear. And wit a dramatic moment (slow motion and everything) she handed it to me.

What happens next is miraculous. The gods parted clouds to witness this event. Like a goof, in the middle of a hawaiian disney store not wearing a bra and my hair pushed back like a baby. I, Sydney Tan, officially Skipped-It.

Take that, Snatch.

A Prayer of a Different Sort

Her neck is exposed.

let your lips form the words. Imagine her breathless and moaning.

Exposed.

And for the first time so is her heart. A sacrifice, put upon the alter, will you kneel?

Open and afraid. Vulnerable.

With you she'll use that word for herself. Another First.

There's blood on her tounge and she wants you to know one thing.

She needs.

A glimpse of herself in the mirror and she sees something so different than how she feels. She looks so put together. so brushed back. So whole. Pretty and not in the sad way.

Darker, eyes tired but not sad. Sad.

THere's a smile upon her lips and she wants you to know one thing.

She'll get by. Go on with or without you but she really wanted you there.

Alliteration and assonance were never her thing. But read this, repetition.

An artist and a philosopher. She's neither.

She'll lay her heart on this alter, bloody, vulnerable, yours. Will you kneel?

Friday, August 12, 2005

Another Image for Your Starving Eyes

She walks small steps, slowly.

LIke when they first fell in love.

She goes in and out of the room. leaving, always leaving.

His heart sounds like a a door closing. closing. closing. Could it really have changed? The same beat she used to think played in her heart come nights without him. Was it all just love's illusion? It's different now, or was this just another?

The cold gathers on her arms and she walks away yawning. It's time to redefine this. To establish this.

It's time to close doors and open the windows. It's time to air out all this stagnant air.

She remembers a song that encapsules this. Nutshells, she'll think with a laugh.

I Hope You Read THis and Remember How to Hate Me

Cum 1 we were drunk and his hands got lazy.

Fuck you, she thought more angry and more bitter and biting her lip. Her new favorite habit.

bad singing to love songs brought tears to her eyes, you fuckign dissapointed her. Get over that bitch. Get over it. what fucking bullshit.

You want her? have her. she's fucking nothing. she's fucking disgusting. like always. Take that.

What a liar. What a fake. What a waste of precious time.

Don't hold her then, she never needed it anyways. That's all you were good for. Fail her.

Is her syntax off? her rhythm gone? like she gives a shit.

Let's raise our glasses one more time. Cheers to all your mistakes. Cheers to the good thing you let get away.

Cheers to the love you never felt.

I'll take a shot to that. I'll dance to that. I'll drink away my memories of you.

(what a break of character, another to add to the list.)
I moaned to hold back Tears this time.

His face hot beneath sheets, hands pulling. Eyes barely open and he kissed every inch of my back.

he's trying too hard.

He untied me with his teeth and I would let him fuck me from behind. The entire time.

So i didn't have to see.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Hawaiian Heat

He thought to himself "i have a secret for your lips." But didn't know the meaning. He needed, but didn't know it's meaning.

He kissed her, lightly at first then harder. Did it have the same affect?

While he rubbed her back and his breathing grew labored and their lips met over and over. over and over.

She thought of one thing.

She thought of history, ofpast loves, of a different "him."

She shouldn't have been thinking at all. It goes against all rules of love. of Lust.

Especially not thinking of the wrong lips. of the wrong hands. Or running away to a dead screen for a different sort of happiness.

She wondered about his previous girlfriends. The way he describes them. She wondered how much he loved them. If he could ever raelly love her. Rushing, she knew this to be called. She didn't stop it.

How much could he love heR? as much as the other girls? could she ever compare? but that was always her thought, always her insecurity, "could she ever compare?"

She woul dhave pushed the first him away by now but found it easier to be silent. She smiled in his ear and she didn't really mean it. Knew he didn't care either way.

Kissing him here, kissing him now, with his facial hair scratching in all the wrongs ways. It was empy. it was strange. It was just another set of lips that had found her own, it was just another set of lips that had found her own.

She thought of school and of work and the current temperature. She thought of whether or not she would put on makeup to go to the beach, if she should stop by the store for sunblock.

This is ridiculous, she thought. But climaxed anyways.

She was glad they had no condoms, it meant no sex.

She wouldn't give in this time. Not fully.

The whisper or her heart was too often drowned by the moans of her body. No surprise.

She thought of Marxism in reference to love and how really, this was wrong because she didn't want to hurt him. Him number 2.

DOes it hurt? She never wanted him to love her. Knew she was trouble, bad news, not worth it, weak. She could go on, do you want her to? She never wanted him to love her back. Marxist Love. Have you read the same books? If you did you would understand.

Understand the difference between loving and responcibilty of being loved in return. She never wanted that. Didn't want to hurt him. Precious.

She's sorry... Because her heart has always been a guilty one.

The Thought before The Storm

She'll cry and cringe as you touch her but the tears won't fall.

SHe'll moan, they'll be fake.

She'll bite her lip, all the wrong reasons.

How could you do this to her? how?

And here she was, thinking you were her only. Respect?

ridiculous.

Just thinking of it now her whole body tightens. don't you dare joke. don't you dare.

Fuck her, fuck her hard. Fuck her with tears in your eyes and rough hands. rough hands.

Her breathing is labored. Not with the act. with pain. pain.

How could you? how fucking could you?

And here she was, loving you. Ridiculous, loving you.

She thought to herself "I was only beautiful in your eyes." You proved her wrong.

You amde her dirty.

Did you know she usually reserved "d" words for all the other boys? not you.

Dirty, disrespected, degraded.

this is disgusting. fucking disgusting.

How could you even think it?

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Love Can You Hear me?

We slept next to each other, not touching. My side, your side.

Don't violate.

THe entire time i thought of sex. It seemed so impossible. So cold. So unwanted.

"How could i have ever had sex with him?" passed my mind.

Our bodies still fit right, i'll tell you that. His arm in mine, his hand in mine. His body next to mine. Things were different, further, careful of each other, but they still fit. still felt right.

He rubbed my back and kissed my neck once. Sent shivers.

I pressed closer then left.

I finished my morning alone.


"Thought's infidelity lies in its privacy--'If there is something that you cannot say to me,' asks the lover, 'things that you must think alone, then am I truly your heart?'" (Botton p 48)

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Donor

Let them take my eyes, My skin, My heart.

Pull it all away, give it all away.

I won't need it anymore. I won't need anything anymore.

Let them close the casket, You'll want to remember me whole.

Watch them push the dirt, you'll want the closure.

Let them take me away. Take me away.

Tear me apart. If only I could be useful in death.
You think she didn't try?

Do you really really think that?

Think of her. all you know her to be. Not yourself, you're opposites in a lot of ways. exactly the same in a lot of ways. think about that, think about who she is. who she is outside of you.

Do you really think she didn't Try? Didn't work on it? As hard as it was... as hard as she made it...

Believe me, She fought.

Because Heartache Is Forever

Skittle 0s (11:28:54 PM): this hurts me so much. you don't even know the half of it. I couldn't even begin to explain. and i don't even allow myself to feel any of this because i don't feel like i DESERVE to. cause i know i hurt you. i know it and that kills me. but i just CAN'T anymore.
Skittle 0s (11:29:30 PM): and you act like you don't even care. and you don't. not in the right ways. and it kills me. all over again.
NightWing SoSF (11:30:30 PM): you CAN"T think i don't care, i DO care
NightWing SoSF (11:30:37 PM): i do care if it looks like im acting like i don't care, it's cause you want me to be ok with this sydney, you know that i've been hurt and it hurts you, i knew that, so i try to be ok with it, but it's not easy
Skittle 0s (11:32:54 PM): My heart is broken too, ya know.
NightWing SoSF (11:33:36 PM): i know, and so is mine, just don't think i don' care
Skittle 0s (11:34:25 PM): but you broke my heart a long time ago.
Skittle 0s (11:34:39 PM): and i wasjust trying so hard to let that be ok. cause i love you so much.
NightWing SoSF (11:39:07 PM): yea, i know i broke your herat a long time ago, we've talked about that before
Skittle 0s (11:41:25 PM): then why didn't you care? Why couldn't you pu tme back together? I aske dyou if you had any questions because i have SO many. I have so many with no answers. Why couldn't i be worth fighting for? Why wasn't i enough? Why couldn't i be strong enough to be good for you?
NightWing SoSF (11:42:10 PM): you don't think i wanted to try to get back together. i was going to, but i remeber you telling me several times how you wanted time to be free, to be your own person, and then you tell me, don't think hawaii is us getting back togehter, and you made it very clear, almost like you didn't want me to, thats how i took it and you don't even know sydney, when i was in mexico i had a lot of time to think, and i was going to tell you so much, but you told me first.
Skittle 0s (11:44:44 PM): i don't want you to. it would hurt too much. it's too late. i'm a thousand peices now. i'm nothing now. i can't be in love with you because it rips me apart. and i've tried to take it out of me and i'm so good at not even feeling. and no one understands cause i haven't told anyone. not the real reason wehy i can't be with you anymore.
NightWing SoSF (11:45:21 PM): then tell me now
Skittle 0s (11:45:39 PM): do you know how much you meant to me? do you know howmuch of my OWN heart i had to break? how i had to realize that all my dreams. all my hopes. everything. it wasn't going to work. all my life i believed in magic. do you know how ridiculous that is? that there could be magic and hope in everyday life. that everything could be ok cause there was something there that fixed things. that there was sparkle. and that i had to GIVE UP on my own dreams. i had to give up on love. Here i am, sydney, whose done nothing her entire life but love love and hope that if i could just find it then everything would be ok. here i am, giving up, giving in. REALIZING. for teh first time... not the first time, but realizing... it's just not enough. i'm being forced to admit to myself that there is nothing to make it owrth ith. make me worth it. there is no magic. no flying. no coulds. no glitter. no sparkle.
Skittle 0s (11:48:12 PM): there's nothing.
Skittle 0s (11:48:18 PM): i have to be realistic again.
Skittle 0s (11:48:32 PM): i have to stand on the ground, both feet, hard. falling.
Skittle 0s (11:48:49 PM): i have to accept stones and sticks and concrete. This is concrete. rock bottom. solid
Skittle 0s (11:49:00 PM): it's over. i'm changed.
NightWing SoSF (11:50:23 PM): and what, you think i didn't want the smae things you did? i did, i wanted to have everyting with you, and knowing what you wanted and not being able to give it to you was hard, ok, i do want all those things with you, i had dreams to.
NightWing SoSF (11:50:49 PM): and WHAT exactly made you realize you had to give up your dreams?
Skittle 0s (11:51:03 PM): we both had dreams. but they weren't the same. What made me give up? you did.
Skittle 0s (11:52:36 PM): Cause i wasn't happy anymore and all you could tell me was "some day" and "maybe" and it was just one thing after another failing. being put off. I wanted things you couldn't give me. that it wasn't fair for me to want in teh first place. and it hurt so much that i had to give up. I had to give up. Every day hurt. every moment. each time you said you loved me and i had to say it back. everything hurt.
Skittle 0s (11:53:11 PM): When we had sex it was just sex and half the time i didn't even want, didn't FEEL it. but did it and initiated it cause it was the only way i could feel close to you again.
Skittle 0s (11:53:47 PM): I wanted too much. I loved too much. I placed too much in you. I guess that was my mistake. It was unfair of me. wrong of me. i shouldn't have.
NightWing SoSF (11:55:32 PM): sydney i would do anything for you, and you knwo i would give you those things if i could, our dreams weren't different, ok, i would love to able to be with you every night share a life together, not see you all day and know it's ok cuase you'd be there at night and don't think thats all, there were more dreams than that, i wanted to give it all to you and it hurt that i couldn't cause it was out of my reach, but that doesn't mean i forgot about it, that i gave up cause it couldn't happen now
Skittle 0s (11:57:15 PM): If we both really wanted it then we could have made it work. we could have done it. taken the rick. made the fall. but you weren't ready. you weren't ever ready. you wanted to give me things but when did you ever try? i mean REALLY try, did you?
Skittle 0s (11:58:09 PM): i realized a long long time ago that if i were to marry you i'd always have to wonder "does he REALLY love me in teh way that i've always wanted to be loved or did he just settle on me, cause i was enough?"
Skittle 0s (11:58:42 PM): And the fact that you just let it all go just confirmed it. that i wasn't It, ya know?
NightWing SoSF (12:02:04 AM): how can you say that sydney, how can you say that i didn't love you the same way, or that i just settled on you, thats not the case at all, your more than i could ever ask for, in my mind you were always beyond perfect, i wanted to have everything with you, i tried so hard to figure things out for us sydney, i wanted to be together i DID want to take those risks, i would always look at appt. online, throgh all those dam realistate things, i even started to my savings account for that reason,
NightWing SoSF (12:02:29 AM): i wanted it all to work for us, i wanted to make it happen, NightWing SoSF (12:03:28 AM): i was thinking about not going to school to work full time, cause this summer i realized how much money we could make togehtetr, and after i got my raises how much it would be,
NightWing SoSF (12:03:54 AM): ok, so i put thought into it, don't think i let those ideas go, i wanted those things to
NightWing SoSF (12:04:26 AM): i wanted to go on trips with you, i wanted to go to paris with you, i wanted them to,
Skittle 0s (12:05:21 AM): we both wanted so much. too much. and we both couldn't give enough. and this is where it's left us. alone and angry. sad mostly. trying to forge a friendship out of a ruined relationship.
NightWing SoSF (12:06:28 AM): im sorry, i hate talking to you like this, i don't want it to sound like im angry,
Skittle 0s (12:08:06 AM): i'm angry.
NightWing SoSF (12:09:36 AM): i want to be angry, i wanted to hate you, but i can't, i love you sydney, i...idon't know
NightWing SoSF (12:10:37 AM): what are you thinking about?
Skittle 0s (12:12:03 AM): That all you've ever done is just give in.
NightWing SoSF (12:19:13 AM): are you sure you still want me to go?
Skittle 0s (12:19:49 AM): How else will we ever get used to each other? it'll be fun. we can forget all this and just have fun. pretend likethings don't hurt. pretend like we really are best friends.
i originally wanted you to go so i could at least remember what it feels like to be in your arms again before i fully let go. Before i let go of the parts of myself you'll always have. And to learn how you and i will still be friends.
NightWing SoSF (12:21:14 AM): and did that change at all
Skittle 0s (12:22:21 AM): yes and no.
Skittle 0s (12:22:23 AM): either way i need you to go if that's ok
NightWing SoSF (12:22:33 AM): of course

Monday, August 08, 2005

Your Baby Bird, It's a Burden You Don't Want.

There's fear in her eyes, She's fallen so far. The ground never looked very close but here it is, harder than ever. She's alone and searching. The sun is out and it makes it hard to breathe.

Can you hear her cries of agony? Go ahead, pick her up, be gentle. Can you feel her heart? It's racing.

Your smell is on her now, there's no turning back. Accepted by you, rejected from an old life, rejected from her life. Let go. For you. Your smell is on her now, are you ready for this?

Can you see the dependancy in her? She's frail, delicate, fragile. She needs you now. Spoonfed, warmed, loved.

It may not be enough. It may not be enough.

You'll wake up in the morning, find her blood mixed with dew. Are you ready for that? but it's too late now. It's a chance you'll have to take. A chance you'll lose her.

The odds of survival aren't high. Have you called in for backup? tied up the cat? Watch the sky, it'll fall down on her at any moment.

Her bones are frail, hollow, beautiful, can you feel them? Her blood is red and blue and she's still alive. Still alive after all of it.

Do you know how much courage it took? how much force? The strength and hope and belief? The attempt, the effort, the work? The failure, the falling, the pain, the landing?

But she's still alive.

You should have let her be. Should have let teh sunset, should have walked away. She could have made it then, you know. Would have made her way home, been brave enough to fly. She would have lived.

But it's too late now. She's there in your nest, trapped, caged. She's waiting and dying and the air is too cold.

It's all your fault...

Regret, Remorse, or None of the Above

She wants you to know this pain tonight. She wants you to know she's sorry.

It's all been one big mistake, the sex, the nights, the wishes. She knows it's one big mistake tonight.
She's alone, again, what she told everyone she wanted. She'll call you her idiot. Who wants to be alone? Didn't you ever know her? Don't you know her? Don't you see the pain in her every word?

This is disgusting, she knows. This is awful, she knows. Sometimes you have to let go to grow, you have to change to get better.

You broke her heart. SHe wants to scream it at you, at the world that doesn't understand. Why can't anyone understand!? Why doesn't everyone know? How could they NOT know?! Why? Why?

He has no questions. He has none. I do. Why? Why doesn't he care? Why isn't he affected? Why couldn't he fight?

Because i've made my choice, it's over. I've made my choice, new loves don't hurt as much. I've made my choice, I'm getting over this.

Love is bullshit. Look at me say it, hard eyes. Look at me mean it, what a change. THis is fucked. This is far too complicated. You want your easy answers? Here's one... Love isn't enough. not enough. It fails you. It leaves you hurt, stranded. That's not what you wanted to hear. Well i'll tell you, you on your high horse, you with your imagined perfection. He'll leave you. Or you'll leave him. And that'll be the end of it. And you'll be alone again, like i am now. Not because i want it to happen, please spare you the pain, but because i know it will. It will. DOesn't that hurt?

Doesn't it always?


(Judge all you want, you'll never understand.)
She cried hard last night.

What a lie.

BUt she felt these pains, deep in her body, pushing, hurting. She put them there, she knows. Not for attention, you bastard. For feeling. for pain. because she has to feel something. Anything. To match what she's thinking.

I was never worth the fight. I was never worth the fight. I couldn't ever be worth it, could i? Never worth it to you, could i?

I'll be honest with you, love, I just always wished that someone could be affected by me, as i was by them.

I wish you could need me, as much as i need you. That's all, love.

That's all my love.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

I'll Take Your Shattered Glass, Tell Secrets To my Skin. I Never Wanted This Anyway.

Because I wasn't ever worth fighting for.

This sickness will always be my company.

Because nothing beats a downgrade.

Warm showers and tears unshed. happiness.

Because i've forgotten that i could be beautiful.

Love means never having to say you're sorry.

Liars.

Love means you're always sorry.

Love means We never did it right.

Love means I couldn't be your everything.

Love means no one understands this. that the tears will never come.

I don't need them to.

We've all always been opposites, haven't we.

But exactly the same.

Like oil and water, you and i.

Cliches make feelings easier to swallow.

Being alone makes this easier to swallow.

Self respect wasn't ever my "thing" anyway.

What a laugh.

Friends ONly, this.

Let this be my company.

Wanna know a secret? This has gone to far.

Cheers, darling.

Because Making love to you felt like being fucked.

Raw.

Sometimes i think of stuffing turkeys. when having sex, that is.

Wanna know what i'm good for? Wanna see what i can do?

How's this for a bad day.

How's this for attention.

How's this.

How's this.

This is disgusting.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

The Story of Us

I know you don't read this... But i found it again, in drawers beneath books and loose change. I found it and remembered I never fully gave it to you, never really finished. I know it's too late but here it is... The Story of Us. By me. In all it's agonies. Because personal truths change.



There was once a princess made of misery. She lived in a beautiful kingdom not very far away, where birds sang and trees gre and the ocean rolled in on majestic chariots of white.

Yet through such wonders her heart was empty. That's where her journey began, among teh waves and towering eucalyptus she searched. No prince could be found.

With her heart on her sleeve, need in her eyes she gave herself away in hopes of hidde charm. From her they took dognity, trust, respect, and worst of all, innocence.

Without it her heart, broken, grew cold, empty, hard, and black. That is how she remained for some time, locked away in her castle afraid and mean, alone and wretched.

The sun set in brilliant colors and warm summer evenings soaked that same yearning into her blood. Why could she be worth it?

Until one day, while counting cracks int he grey cement and wondering of the wandering fog she stumbled upon someone else's heart ache.

He was beautiful in a way only a true prince could be. He made her heart melt, her knees weak, her breath catch.

The sun rose in magnificent hues of unnamable shade. In colors so indescribable in the beauty that the world stopped.

And little did this prince and princess (both made of need) know but their hearts met. Right at that moment, in that second, the sun stopped it's movement and the globe froze on it's axis.

With eyes closed through unharnessed dreams they met and their souls created such a brilliance that roses and star diamonds and silver bled from the sky. They were in Love.

When their lips met cities collapsed and everything dissappeared to leave all of the world for only their love. It was created just for them, for their hearts beating something that was not misery or sadness. But for once it was completion. Together they were completion.

But could the world sustain such a thing? Dragons tried to tear them apart, fear attempted to rip them from one another.

They were too strong, their bond too strong. They meant forever. From him she received all that had been stolen. He gave her respect, trust, honesty, and dignity. He gave her beauty, something she never had before. He gave her acception and perfection. Love. Life.

There was once a princess that lived in a kingdom of pink skies, starry eyes, and troubadors. One no longer made of melancholy but instead of caring and strength.

And for that she knew, no matter what, she would love him eternally in a way there were no words for.

She would love him with all that she was and all that she knew.

She wished she could only give him the same...

Friday, August 05, 2005

Transition

She doesn't want to talk to you tonight but she's still smelling roses and thinking of you. She didn't want to tell you but rather than be beautiful she wanted to be violent.

A part of her yearned for blood, teh worst kind, the kind that hurts. She wanted to be childish and disturbing. She wanted to be murderous and a strong.

She doesn't want to tell you about the places she's been, they were sweet. or so she'll call them. They were quiet, or so she thought. They were peaceful, or that's what they were supposed to be.

She skipped over rocks and watched the baby ducks squirm. She wanted to kill one.


She's been stuffed full of secrets again, the worst kind, the kind that bring her to tears. She'll make a list, for you, of things that make her cry.

She'll make a list, for you, of ways to see her heart.

Don't be silly, DOn't be vain, she'll say. Because all pronouns refer to him. But all along she's thinking of Her.

The Her with pale skin and pale happiness. Her treasure. But never her's to begin with.

She's not lonely tonight, do you know what that means? It's the worst kind. But like always she'll be vauge and you won't ever know. She'll imply a knife until you bleed and say it was never there to begin with.

It's time for bed now. The day time kind. The worst kind.

The one to escape thoughts of you.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The Shiniest One, The Sweetest One, My Choker.

A pretty locket, the one i always wished for.

It came in the mail today, and not in the way you would think.

A flyer, a picture, a sweet and simple nothing.

A reminder of how my life was your life and yours was mine.

A reminder how hard this will be.

THere were a thousand things we never got to do together, give each other, show each other. BUt i guess that's over now, i guess it's too late.

And don't think i won't miss you, i will. Don't think i don't love you, i Do.

But there were a thousand thoughts that could never be yours. A thousand dreams you refused to share with me.

I wanted this to be life altering, changing, jarring...

But i'll admit, i'm too far away from myself to hurt anymore.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

She's on tip toe again,
painful.

Her eyes shine and she's begging
pleading
hands laced
on her knees
weak.

"please" she's sobbing
"See me,

Look at me.

please see this."

She's always sobbing.

weak.

Her hair is worn tightly
spinning and dizzy
a blurry of colors and smells.

Intertwined, braided, laced through.

She's dancing for you,
only you again,
your sweet little poppet,
puppet.

One of her poems can
go on
endlessly.

poorly written and
dying to be noticed.

She's so dramatic,
voice change,
she's dizzy from the effort
exhausted.

No one will know this secret,
no one will know her heart.

no one will understand.

In blues and browns and

her lips are pink with blood.
painful.

She's waiting for you,
in the dark rain of things

to hold her,
make her feel again.

to touch her,
make her alive again.

to hurt her,
make her real again.

She's waiting for you,
her savior

To see.

She just wants someone to see.

do you understand what that even means?

It means your hand reaching out,
fingers soft,
to ignite
(from the ground up)
the image of something wonderful
to steady her last pirouette,
to untie the ribbons,
they're red this time.
they're black this time.
to take her away

on silver pink wings.
no pain
no standing
no effort

softly
sweetly

with tenderness.
with a whisper.

closed eyes,
the sweetest kind.

Because Sad Girls Read Poetry

Have you ever seen the moon?

I'm beneath it tonight. bright stars and shivers.

I'm close to crying tonight, i want to.

Everything is too hard to feel. "i" "i" I can't handle it anymore. Remove me, distance me, far away thoughts of me. This wasn't ever me to begin with.

This can't be me anymore.

Just that dark haired "she" i feel in the distance. Only this jaded girl i'll write to you about.

I want you to understand that these aren't my feelings, these aren't my thoughts. they're hers.

there will be no more "me's" no more first person. No more hands on, no more interaction, no more stumbling bumbling nights.

This isn't me. this isn't me. This is denial. this is struggle. This is me, and this isn't anymore. And now i'm not making any sense,

(when have i ever?)

but do you understand? Do you get it? I'll reference Adrienne Rich and hope you've read it too. Hope you've read teh comments. Hope you'll know. Hope you'll still love me.

"Poised, trembling and unsatisfied, before
an unlocked door, that cage of cages,
tell us, you bird, you tragical machine--
is this fertillisante douleur? Pinned down
by love, for you the only natural action,
are you edged more keen
to prise the secrets of the vault? has Nature shown
her household books to you, daughter-in-law,
that her sons never saw?"
-AR

Monday, August 01, 2005

Because Love Never Lasts

Give me strength to do the things i know i must. Give me strength to be alone, to be strong.

I'm so afraid. I'm so scared. Dont tell me everyone is. Because this is Him. Or so i thought...

In his eyes i saw my future. Wife, children, growing old. that sort of thing. do you know how much that means? Do you know how much it hurts to officially say that i give in. I give up. I can't do this anymore.

I know i'm selfish, thinking of how much this hurts me when it's me leaving him. BUt it does, it hurts.

Two years. i've learned so much of what love means from him. I've learned so much about myself and what i expect from people. He has taught me affection.

It's broken my heart to realize that we were no longer going anywhere. THat love isn't enough.

Here i am, the girl with big dreams, the girl who believed in magic. Here i am, the one with hope letting it all go. standing on hard ground. seeing for teh first time that love, it's just not enough. It's not enough. It's not enough.

Breakups are for Lovers.

A List of Beautiful Things

The edges of this rose are pink.
Did you see that?
Her heart is gold.
Did you see that?

She'll dance on her tiptoes for you all day long, flowing skirt, sweet smell, beautiful. THe wind will brush her gently, a slight flush will reach her cheeks, beautiful.

The sun warms and everything within her opens, opens, can you hear teh explosions? She thinks of herself in terms of cities. The buildings are falling, can you hear them?

Do you see the angel? The string quartet?
They're waiting...

But i wouldn't assume you would understand
the allusion.

The Beginning of a Secret

There's not time to worry of style. It needs to be here, it needs to be done. Because i want to get it written here before i forget the feeling, before i let it slip away, before the memories get a little blurrier.

This has been the most beautiful weekend ever. I'll split it into sections

The Drive Up:

It was downright beautiful. THe colors were spectacular. There was this rich gold of the fields. The color of the mountains, the millions in the sky. It's like everything was brighter, everything was just waiting to be seen, appreciated. It took my breath away. It gave me this feeling that i haven't had in a long time.

A feeling of Freedom. Something lifted inside of me that made me want stand in the wind, let it push my hair back and to just scream and cry. In pure hapiness. In a scene only fit for movies. That's how free. That's how beautiful. That's how much it truly affected me. It was like living right this time, like seeing all of it, experiencing and loving every moment has made me alive. If i was alive previously i sure as hell wasn't doing anything right. I feel so alive, so vibrant, as if the world is at my knees just begging me to look. I'm so in love and not with anyone this time. with everything around me, with myself, with the things out there, the possibilities.

Just downright captivating. I'll be redundant, i'll be repetitive but GOD the feelings were just THAT good. I only have so many words in my vocabulary and they're all at a loss for how wonderful this has all been. 12 hours has never felt shorter. haha.


Portland V.2.0:

I was shown a world, a city, a life that i've never seen before. There were so many thigns to do, so many places to be. We went to a rose garden and spent the day smelling the most beautiful roses and laying in the shade and being with the people i was with.

We had ice cream at twilight and watched kids playing in a fountain surrounded by beautiful homes and beautiful streets and beautiful everythings. And if you haven't noticed, yes, beautiful is my new favorite word.

I've let myself fall head over heels in love with Portland. I found myself wishing i could just be there always. I wanted to be apart of it, to let it be apart of me. I've fallen in love with portland. There's only been two places that could really cause that feeling in me, San Francisco and Paris. But here i was in portland, sad to be leaving and letting myself imagine what life there could really be like. You know me, lofty dreams and silly thoughts. Laura once said that she hoped when i went up i'd fal madly in love with portland, her city of roses, and move there and be with her. Well love, here i am, madly deathly tragically in love with it all. But we all know thoughts of me moving are as silly as... Just silly.

The world felt perfect in those moments. In the warmth, in the slight darkness, walking streets hand in hand, and be completely swept away. I can't breathe for memories. It's all too strong, all to sweet to really be tasted. It makes me heart hurt.

The Drive Home:

Could i begin to describe the feeling? THe fun? The absolute joy i've shared with him?

Don't be silly. My him is adolfo.

I can't even begin to laugh at it all, to smile at the thoughts.

We ran alongside the highway, happiness in hand just feeling alive together, just sharing an experience that we knew we couldn't share with anyone else very often.

We danced in the rain in the darkness, laughter liberating us. Wet and happy our bodies moved with a different sort of passion.

We laughed for no particular reason at all, breath stolen.

Moments that i'll hold forever. I'll miss forever. This is my life, these are teh things that matter, this is what i've been here for. This is what you all tried to stop me from.... living. happiness. This is what i've been holding back from. This is just the beginning. This is It. Capital love.

For Lovers

With blood on her thighs and guilt in her hands she'll walk away from you, face down, voice sad. She'll leave you a message it's secret will be "please, I need this, i need you." as ridiculous as that sounds.

As tired as she is, as slow as everything runs, with the lag, with the yawn, with the memories too close to be missed. With all of this, She'll still be strong. Strong and afraid and daring you to challenge her. Daring her to call it out, pull out all stops.

This is a new kind of love. Something stronger, something far more meaningful than any of you ever will be. This is 3 in the morning after the weekend of a lifetime and having only herself to hold. This is going home to discover it was sleep she needed all along.

Not your arms or kisses or misguided attempts at love.

Not her love in return.