THere's a light smell of him on me. hugging and kissing but always only mostly talking. About odd things. things i've never talked with anyone about. things no one's ever bothered to answer.

I know he's not interested in me. i know i need someone to love me. always love me.

tomorrow morning adam will crawl into bed with me and i'll hold him and mean it. feel guilty. always guilty, i am.

saturday night we'll play just friends in front of all my friends, never touch. a look here and there. i'll feel guilty. always guilty.

I'll cry both days. perhaps from frustration perhaps anger. perhaps fear.

mostly self pity.

I wouldn't ever make him happy. Nor i.