Chapters

The date went by casually and pretty low key. Which is more than perfect. A little anticlimatic given how crazy nervous I got but good nonetheless.

I'd hate to get involved with someone right now. what with adam coming home...

I know we won't get back together. I know we've both been hurting too much.

ANd i'm not sure if i'm ready to forgive. I was at one point... But i'm not sure anymore...

And I know he's been hurt too much. in his ways. in his silence.

But at the same time I know we love each other. Love each other more than we understand. I know he has this belief inside of him that says we were meant to be together. And if it doesn't work now then we'll find each other again. And i know that I will never love like i've loved him...

But that's not enough.

So much has happened. So many mistakes have been made. SO many accusations and cries.

We're supposed to see each other at midnight on friday, the night he gets back.

What do we really expect will happen so late? What will really happen?

I was hoping that a couple of days after he got home he'd want to catch a late lunch inbetween my classes. At least we'd have somethign to do. But what will we do? I'll go to his house and see the places we used to love each other in.

I almost want to force him to live his life conscious of where I used to be and am no longer. I wanted to give him a handful of days or weeks or months to see where i once stood. To feel the loss of me.

But that's unfair. childish, i know.

But he'll have his cake. eat it too. Have me too.

Will we hug? will we kiss? will I cry?

I know what i'll say now. I've practiced. I need him to make a choice. I'm making this black and white. yes or no. Because this inbetween ground is what hurts us both the most. I need him to tell me that he loves me. And if he loves me then we can work it out. We'll hate each other sometimes and it'll hurt... But what's one bad day in reference to a month? and what's a month to a year? and what's a year to an entire lifetime? What's one bad step compared the millions of good ones we'll take along the way?

and the only other choice will be if he doesn't love me enough. I doubt he can say that he's 100% free of love from me givenour history but... He needs to gauge what is and isn't enough. It's time i made clear what is and isn't enough. And if he can't love me enough then that's ok. because i've been so alone now that it won't be too hard to adjust. WE can go our seperate ways, have our seperate lives and forge whatever it is that will make up happiest.

But I just need to know. no more inbetween times. no more fear time. dread times.

It's Love or Not Love enough. and i've made my choice. I know what i want from him and from myself. he needs to figure out what he wants because i can't drag myself along like this forever.

He's home in 5 days. monday. tuesday. wednesday. thursday. friday. How will I be able to stand it? I'll try to keep myself busy but apparently that'll be difficult given my busy factor the past two weeks...