Saturday Mornings and You're not There and my Voice Trembles. ANd i tell you you're a failure.

I'm so sick of waiting. waiting on you. waiting on you to see how much i'm hurting.

I'm sick of crying myself to sleep. that's so pathetic of me. I hate how petty i've become. i hate who i've become under your love.

I have loved you in any and every way i could have ever loved. I've taken care of you like a mother would. I've comforted you like a sister only could. I've laughed like your best friend. I've touched you like a lover.

I've loved you. loved you so much. even when i've hated you i've only ever loved you.

I'm sick of the same words playing in my head and not allowing myself to say them. "leaving me is the biggest mistake you'll ever make."

Because i've loved you deeper and more passionately than anyone will ever love you. And i know you've loved me back. Just as much.

After this you're not going to get me back. You're not going to get those same peices of yourself back.

Don't think that breaking my heart will spare yours. it won't. it isn't, is it?

I could list a million memories and moments we've made together. that would make us both cry. I'll stop. only for a moment.

You're going to see a million things in life now. Things i'll never get to show you, teach you. share with you. You're going to grow up without me. And that's the part that hurts the most.

The dreams we made together. we DREAMED together. alone.

We were going to go to paris together. we promised. We said we'd go the world together. And then we could come back home, call it our home. Move out together, carve out lives together. I couldn't live in seattle because i remember how we made plans to go.

We looked at art schools for you.

But that's ok now. that's ok.

there's a thousand more things i could say. a million contradictory feelings.

But i'll be silent for now. only a moment. silent for now.

(is it pathetic that i look to an online journal for solace? it is. it is.)