Music whispered through speakers, undressing, inspecting. My body in the mirror. Full in places it shouldn't be. Dark in places i've never wanted it to be.

I'll no longer lie to myself. My entire life i've known i couldn't hold the same kind of love as golden skin. ivory. I could never envelop such pretty words, such pretty thoughts. I've always known my hair was black, wild. My eyes dark and unexpressive. never shining. I could never be fair, which at one time could have meant beautiful. I've hated who i am. And perhaps i could say by fault the of the world that's always surrounded me. The fault of everyone but me.

But this hatred is only and truly mine. And i am ashamed. More hateful of the fact that i hate myself than the actual hate.

I could never be equated with honey or shine or anything that one was supposed to be. I could never be easy to love. never be clean. unperverted. I have always been and will always be only myself.

In every one of my beauties i see fault. I feel fault. wishing and hoping in the most secret and shameful of ways that maybe i could change. maybe i could change.

It seems so complicated.

Seperate and never the same. That's how i've always felt. Always felt.

And this is no pity post. do not think of me different.

Just thinking. always thinking. that maybe i've always bene in love with all the wrong words. words i could never be. words that none will ever love me for.

Because i am only darkness. I am only this.

Not ever exotic. enchanting. intoxicating.

Only this. dowdy. ugly. undefined. dark.