Everyone says they knew we'd get back together. a part of me knew it too.

But i'm not always sure it's what's best. i mean, the night before we did i was sure. and that's the last time i was.

I've said i'm ready to fall in love again. but that was a lie. Such a lie. I mean, i want to. who doesn't. But there are moments adam and i are together and it should be one of those moments, you know the type, complete with heart flutter and gasp?

but it isn't there anymore. not at all. and i don't know if it's because it's lost between us. or if it's there and i'm not allowing myself to feel it. or if i'm just incapable of feeling it. Feeling love. That part of love that i wanted most.

There's no more spark. excitement. no more... something. and all of a sudden i'm afraid i'll never feel it again. i know i'm being stupid and i'm bound to... but i feel like a part of me that had that has closed off. closed down.

and i want to say i'm happy back as a girlfriend. but i'm not. I mean, i'm not completely on the ground miserable anymore. i'm this mediocre barely feeling thing. And i guess that's ok. that's ok.

I'm waiting for something to inspire me. To inspire real feeling inside me. music, movies, books, anything... TO make me really happy. make me really sad. really in love. really angry. really heartbroken. Anything again.

I tell myself if i wait, give it time, babysteps, things will grow with adam. grow back to what they were. and that's sort of what i'm holding on for. but what if it doesn't?

at first i told myself he wasn't feeling those things. Wasn't doing those things. But he is. And it was just a cop out so i could blame our lacking on him. not me. But it *is* me.

my heart is still his but not in the same ways. I love him. i want to take care of him. in a forever sort of way. but... am I in love with him? will i be again?

I know this is such a tired subjct. so old and over it. but fucking hell did anyone really think i could let it go? haha. nah.