i want consumption. to have something night and day and have it seem like it won't ever let me go. i want uncontrollable 'i need you because your touch makes me go crazy. i need you you're keeping me together and keeping me sane' love. the kind that eats you up, the kind that chews you up, the kind that masticates and tears and douses and mauls and fucks you up so hard it leaves you worse off than EVER before. leaves you covered in spit and grime and slime and their blood and your blood and mistakes and hurt and questions and most of all regrets. REGRETS.

Are you hearing the songs that i sing? can you see the words that i'm screaming?!? They don't rhyme and there is no rhythm. I am vulgar and i am bad and i am sexy and naughty and i lie. i cheat. i like to hurt. i am hateful. i am bitter. i hold grudges and you don't EVEN know me. i am not cute i do not smell flowers or play with bunnies or do my makeup or giggle or hug or skip or run or smile. i do NOT mediate and i do not placate. my nails are dirty and i am a mess. i like to walk around naked and my body is NO temple. i posess no style, class or grace. i am blunt. i am rude and i WILL kiss on a first date.

[And even with all of this.. I still miss you... even though we were none of this. because i didn't want any of this but wanted all of it with you...]

i'm tired of lust and chemistry and i want sweetness and cuteness and softness and a sort of tenderness that will melt my heart. i want to fall asleep in your arms and i want that to mean as much to you as it does to me. i want you to look me in the eye and sigh and let me melt your walls away. i want to feel the secrets you whisper into my lips. i want to feel your broad chest beneath me and your man arms around me and your boy hands caress me. i want you to tell me that you love me. tell me that everything is alright and don't ever tell me that anythign is pointless and don't hurt me with cynicism. don't make fun and don't be rough. I want to be near you and for you to want that just as much. But most of all...

I want passion. pasion. love passion and lust passion and an uncontrollable all consuming heart eating breath stealing passion-passion. give me passion and let it take me over let it eat me whole give me PASSION. i'm starving for passion. passion passion passion passion. i need your passion.

Dear i hope my school is BURNED to the ground. Then, we could all laugh at the FLAMES and dance around like MANIACS. Then, be doomed to ignorance OR driving an HOUR to the next school over...

it's ten o clock and *i* am AWAKE. i will DIE tomorrow morning. i have been dreading tomorrow for like TWO months. DEAR GOD WHY MUST THE SUMMER BE OVER?!!?

Things to be grateful for #1:

1. those REALLY slow cars that you curse and scream at
2. midnight snacks and second dinners
3. the smell of fire
4. warm ngihts, clear skies, and an ultra loud radio blaring "the boys of summer"
5. Shadows
6. best friends, late night conversations, and laughing at inside jokes
7. Little sister's telling you you're perfect even though a day ago you were making her cry
8. Being able to stand
9. Being, for the most part, happy with who i am
10. getting so absorbed into music you're dancing and screaming the lyrics and you don't care who sees because you're having fun

Sometimes i get so absorbed in myself i let my vision blur and all of a sudden i'm not seeing a thing. Sometimes i get so lost in it all that my eyes are wide open but nothing's being taken in. blinded by my hope, pain, and confusion i'm staring into crayola colored skies and the clouds are blowing by and i can't find any shapes because i'm not seeing. i'm not seeing. I'm not seeing...

Fray DAy 7 comes to San Francisco in october. will i get guts enough to try and participate in open mic? THAT'S the winning question...

I waited all day
You waited all day
But you left before sunset
And I just wanted to tell you
The moment was beautiful
Just wanted to dance to bad music
Drive bad cars
Watch bad T.V.
Should have stayed for the sunset
If not for me

-Pearl Jam

*when we were good we were good and now your chance is over.*

Staring out the window at all the shining stars i remember the ones found standing on beds outside of skylights. It made me think of laying in suited arms while promised the world and pointing out constellations. it brings me back to dazing off out windows wishing the moment would end while there was heavy breathing and fake reactions to touches unpassionate. THe stars... the stars... the stars are out tonight and i'm brought back to each and every moment with all the "you's" and "him's" and "he's." i'm brought back to trust and distrust and lies and vulnerability and magic and heartbeats and all those feelings each you, him, and he caused. The leap, the hitch, the break. The moments... I remember each moment. It wasn't yesterday and each one is a world away. i want it all back. i want what's been taken back. i want everything i gave and everything you, him, and he took. I want it all back...

But i'm still sitting here. Alone. in the dark. ALONE. i can't have it back. i can't have anything back. i can't have you, him, OR he back. all i've got is myself and this pile of memories i'd rather have burned. because i've been burnded. used, abused, and left. i'm always the one left... But i'll always be standing. i'll always be here. Even after ALL the you's, him's, and he's of the world have judged me second best. after the whole world has had it's way with me and i'm still just second best... i'll always be here. i'll always be alone... staring out my window counting the stars and counting the scars of all these stabs you've made at my heart.

skiTtlE 0s (1:57:29 AM): but.. i know you're sick of hearing about it... but you know... you're right. he SHOULD feel bad. he should feel downright terrible. because i am not a BAD person. and i NOT incredibly undesirable as he once made me feel!! i may not be a great person or even a good person... but i do my best to be as decent as i can muster... i am NOT horrible. and he hurt me. and didn't deserve that. i do NOT deserve that. he played me in a BIG way and it was unfair. it wasn't right. it was fucking SHIT.
sideKickBassChic (1:57:56 AM): you aren't a bad person
SideKickBassChic (1:58:00 AM): i have been telling you all along
SkiTtlE 0s (1:58:54 AM): and i let him get away SO much.. i mean... UGHK. i let EVERYguy get away with hurting and fuckig me over
SideKickBassChic (1:59:15 AM): yeah....
SkiTtlE 0s (1:59:21 AM): ughk...
SkiTtlE 0s (2:01:02 AM): everytime anythings happened i've taken it. and i've blamed no one but myself thinking it's what i've deserved all along. i've rolled with the fucking punches and i've NEVER given ANY guy shit about ANYthing. i just... i let them get away with it... like it's OK to do it. like it's ok to treat me like that.
SideKickBassChic (2:02:30 AM): yes
SkiTtlE 0s (2:03:04 AM): arghk.



if only i could keep such anger... but like all things it fades and i'm left feeling sad and abused... without the conviction with i once spoke. all that i realize about myself is no longer valid and it's still *my* fault. i'm a bad person and it's why bad things happen. because i DESERVE it. I don't say anything and i let it all slide away because in my mind... i deserve it. because i shouldn't expect or hope for anything more. it's ok to be used and hurt and treated like shit because it's what i get. because i'm nothign spectacular and that shit... it's the best i can get... This is the best i can do... and apparently... that's not enough...

Yes, i'll never be enough...

*i still wish for you every night*

I feel like taking this knife and stabbing it into my chest to feel my emotions run out of me and finally let me rest. But... I don't think it'd kill me so i'll just sit here screaming at nothing for just a while longer...

*I can see in the way you speak that you're scared. that you're afraid. that you don't know what passion is because you won't let it hold you and you don't know what reality is because you don't want to live in it. you've walled yoruself in and won't see out. you've blockaded yourself in and you won't step out.*


i'm sighing because of you and i can't bear to say it out loud. every song relates to you and i can't bear to sing along. everythign i write is about you and i wish so hard i could show you. i'm so lonely and i think if i weren't i could escape these thoughts of you. i could run away from these overwhelming emotions. i'm ready to cry but i refuse to let these tears fall. i'm ready to move on but i refuse to let go. I can't let go. i need to let go and i can't i just can't...

So i'm home now! Mi-Wuk was nothing spectacular but it wasn't too bad. Just hanging out with tiffany and her family... I got home and the doors were locked. i *so* picked the lock to get in! (beams with pride) i am *so* good.

I bought new pens for school. the only good part of school is all the pens i get to buy...

I talked to KEvin today... he got my package. He said he'd call me back but i kow he won't. peachy keen. i don't really care as much nowadays...

It's warm outside and there's a random ugly chair in my room. i'm REALLY trying o figure out how it got here....

on to other business...

School starts in a little more than a week. that's REALLY horrible. all my life (as in most kids' lives) it's been marked off by summers. the end of this one signifies another year coming to a close, another part of my life ending.... With age comes responcibility. and people say wisdom. i don't want either.

leaving to Sonora Area until the 16th...

There's nothing like:
1. Hearing your most favorite but relatively unpopular band in a movie. TWICE.
2. singing at the top of your lungs with your music blasting and windows rolled down and the weather just perfect
3. twirling through night time streets until you're dizzy
4. falling asleep with the sun in your eyes
5. doing laundry therefore having your WHOLE wardrobe available for a couple days and wearing WHATEVER you want
6. having your windowsill say "deny"
7. striped socks
8. warm, soft blankets just as you're waking up
9. Best friends and just being able to hang out
10. (here goes) You.

The Ultimate List (and all the disgusting details)
*in chronological order*

1. Jeremy. First crush. on and off liking for several years. Never kissed him. horrible nose. People grow?
2. Edmund. A really good kisser, a little too wet of a kisser but good anyway. a horrible nose. At one point i considered him one of my best friends and he helped me through a lot. Moral of the story? never stay in any sort of relationship (friendship or otherwise) if you're feelings aren't mutual.
3. The weekend. ::shudder:: he was like what? 2o something? 21... 22... something of that sort. i was 15. bad kisser. HORRIBLE kisser. He was kissing my stomach and got a bloody nose. What can i say? He liked to tell me i was amazing. i liked to hear it.
4. Jason. The prom date. the blow job. the surprisingly crooked penis. Passionate kisser, still a little too wet. First Hickey. two. i was proud but they were gone the next day. He had a nice personality, a bit of a geek, and once again... a horrible nose. what is that? the third?
5. Kevin. He had the *cutest* nose. Europe and all it's greatness. Nights spent with one another and ::sigh:: all it's greatness... *such* a sweet kisser. At first i missed the wetness of kissing but each time we kissed it was like i couldn't breathe. in the best way possible... Some people move on faster than others... He moves on faster than i do. if feelings aren't mutual i shouldn't stay in the relationship... right?
6. Chris. one of the biggest mistakes of my short life thus far. what can i say? i thought we outgrew the game of kiss and tell. dry, hard, pushy kisser. total lakc of personality, passion, and motivation.

Do i add in Laura to the count? At prom i think we kissed twice? maybe three times? we'd been arguing all month and in another month the friendship would be called off entirely. much too hard of a kisser for my taste but that happens when there's a handful of guys oggling and her lips and hands are cold...

I'm lonely and scared and i'm sitting in the dark again. my floor is cluttered with a million memories and thoughts and i'm crying over the past again. Sometimes things mean more than just spilled milk. Sometimes they're life altering and shaking and moving and just so much more than anyone's ever wanted....

New Computer!!!

When i think of you i can't help but sigh. I close my eyes and remember your lips. I breathe deeply and it makes me happy knowing you exist. One day the world will be right and i'll be in your arms once more...

Heart gift. extended hand. clinging memory, a taste long forgotten. Whispered kiss, rough plane landing. goodbye too soon and hello too late. Not enough time. A million miles. Somethign not meaningful enough. Thrown away letter, undelivered package, lonely nights, empty bed ... Shattered...

"Ya see, i care about you as a friend, most definately, but i never really think about friendship any further lately, suppress pain + time = solution to problems, and now with college coming up, i don't know what's what and i'm always moving because me and my friends are always trying to find something to do before we're inevitably seperated."

Last night's Dream:

Parents bought me a ticket to pennsylvania. the whole dream was spent trying to get ahold of Kevin to tell him i was down there. i didn't.

Speeding down the highway not slowing down for turns lights passing by and staring off into empty night skies. I'm thinking and i can't get out. out of my mind. out of this box. out of my mindset. out of all of this. any of this. i can't get out. Sharp park makes me think of Jason that makes me think of Kevin that makes me think of chris that makes me think of Edmund that circles me back around to hw desolate the street looks. How desolate i feel. Deserted. abandoned. never able to keep anyone around. not too long. not too hard. not ever enough. Friends come and go breakin trust, faith, and all that i held dear throwing me for tailspins and revolutions and too many unwanted changes. Boys come and go breaking morals, rules, and all my dreams of love knocking me down and forcing me to hate all that i have become. Nothing is constant. not the sun. not the moon. not the darkness that hides and hoards and hurts. hurt. I want to say i'm hurt but who isn't hurt? who isn't rejected and dejected and left all alone to cry? who hasn't lost themselves so hard they don't even know it's them when they do find it?

My four year old little sister watched a TV show on kidnapping. Apparently, a child is kidnapped every 30 minutes. She refuses to play outside.

i think that's sad.

...I think i've got a cavity...

Funny story of the night:

So we go to Adam's house. fun right? right. light saber fights. marker war. playing one hit. a secon dof "ten fingers." Fun... THe catch? WE parked a little less than a block away at a school parking lot. *APPARENTLY* they lock the place up after a certain time. My car? TOTALLY locked in. totally screwed. we call everyone in our phone books and we've got no one to get us home and no way to get my car out till morning. Last resort? Grace. my sister. call is made. she says she's coming. Half an hour later we're screaming at each other over the phonebecause she's lost and incredibly frustrated and i KNOW i'm really gonna get it. another 10 minutes pass.... 15.... 20.... we wait outside and i hear a car. i go running. run about 2 blocks. THERE SHE IS. yay! got home. end of my story. i guess it was more fun *and* funnier if you were there...

Current events:

Reunited?!
staring at old pictures and seeing the happiness so obviously present. remembering how i felt with him. about him. when i was around him. I called today. HIs voice is still the same. answers the phone the same... I could hear the smile in his voice and i know i'm supposed to remember that he fucked me over and things between us will never ever happen again but... I still called. I called... I called Jason.

Missing
I think I only miss him because i'm lonely. and that if i had something better i'd get over it? i mena.. i haven't seen him in a month and maybe i'm only falling for what it COULD be rather than what it really was??? maybe i'm placing emotions that weren't ever there lik ei always do and so BECAUSE the memories with it's placed emotions seem stronger than it really was?? maybe i'm foolish and stupid and i don't miss him at all? I shouldn't. i still do.

Over
So i'm doing good at getting over what a fucking jerkidiotbastard Chris was right.... So i'm having a rough rough day and i'm drivin' down the street (a main street) and i see him. he looks right at me and i just keep drivin'. made me feel like shit. i wish i had been stupid enough to stop it when it wasn't yet developed. aborted before it was too late. bah humbug. then i call chelsea and we're talkin' and i hear someone in the background and chelsea says "oh, chris says hi." i get instantly angry. "t.h.a.t.s. n.i.c.e." in a really strained "and your point?!" voice. big long long silence. and in my irritated tone "ANYways..." and she's like... whoa... ok.. uhm... anyways... I wish the past week and everything it's contained and been contaminated by him would dissappear off the face of the earth.

today i wished a wish of you and i held my breath and crossed my fingers and my heart leapt at the half hope of it.

*i'll meet you at the Golden Gate bridge at 7*

::sigh:: if only dreams came true....

Last night's dream:

it was incredibly detailed. but it'll take too long to explain. basically.... we were in a pregnant lady's home/store and supposed to be taking care of her fake baby/doll thing in exchange for a ride somehwere. we didn't pay attention and the mechanical crying began. we didn't know where it went to. it was found stuck inbetween the bed and the nightstand still crying. Needless to say, the woman (who had treated it like it were real, had curly hair, wore a denim maternity shirt, and walked around her house picking up toys) kicked us out of her house. next we somehow got abducted by a psychotic homeless looking man who had a house but was incredibly dirty (think "castaway"). He was making us paint his bathroom with paint that was WAY too think and looked watery (i had a burgundy maroon color). He lectured us about going to college and his hair looked really dirty. My borther (santi) called my other brother (sonny) asking if he had enough *Euros* to pay for our taxi ride home. I remembered i had a credit card and that we could use it to pay whomever we needed to escape from the crazy hobo man. THat was it...

http://bbiayw.blogspot.com

entry from a week ago that never got posted:

All i have now are the memories of tastes and a handful of faded memories... purple candies and the brown one i made you eat. Chokingly sweet sugar cubes dissinigrating on my tounge and the skip-slow-beat of my heart whenever i was with you. Pink lollipops being traded from mouth to mouth and your arm around me. ice cold water on warm warm days and strong liquor running down my throat. The alcohol and smoke lingering in your kiss and the sharpness of toothpaste. The rumble roughness of underground trains and echoey click of our heels in the tunnels. The girlish giggle streaming over my lips and the unbearable hotness of walking too fast. My fear of being over aggressive and wind rushing over windows we stood out of looking for stars. the thrill of city lights and thunder and flashy smoke.

I wish it could have lasted forever.

Tonight i'll dream sweetly. i'll imagine tying you up and beating you until you're bloddy and blue and a thousand other pain associated colors. of sticking a thousand dull pins into your nuts only to pull your penis off with a wrench and make you choke it down. of watching you throw up and bleed and feel like les of a man. of breaking the bones in each one of your limbs and then burning them off and pulling off every disgusting hair on your body as painfully as possible. I won't kill you. just leave you for dead and hope it comes slowly. I'll dream of your agonizing screams and how i'll holler back ho wmuch i hate you for everything you've done. of the overwhelming pain coursing through your body and how i'll laugh at your toils.

I hate you and i hope you get stomped on like the stupid piece of loser shit you are.

(don't worry. i'm not bitter or angry or anything..)

*how am i supposed to go on living with the thought that i'll never see you again?*

Another dream of your sweet, warm perfection. Passion and tenderness.... Another dream of whispered forevers. Sincerity... I woke up weeping and wishing it could all come back. That i could somehow get you back... I know i haven't truly lost you yet but i would give the world to be held by you one more time. to make this distance vanish. Every wish is dedicated to you and your kiss that made my heart skip beats and my breath to hitch. How could i have managed goodbye? I'm hoping for one last Hello beause i know if i ever had one more chance i wouldn't ever let go... I won't ever let go.

I can NOT stand to waste any more time on such burn out, go nowhere, stagnant, small town bitches. There is a difference between people who live in small towns and small town people. if i ever become the latter i will slit my wrists and bath in my blood.

Note to self:

You are nothing. you never could be more. don't forget that. ever again. ever ever again. in everyone's eyes. just nothing. Sydney Tan.... You are a meaningless good for nothing whore.