I'm best at lying to myself. I'm best at making myself hurt. make my self happy. make myself completely befuddled.

I'm best at putting myself in situations with a million tangled threads. I'm best at entanglement.

I'm really great at making things more complicated than they have to be. Maybe i feed off the stress and misery.

As of recent a lot of my insecurities have come to light. What am i supposed to do now? just fix it? leave it be?

Who do i love? and for how long?

Chapters

The date went by casually and pretty low key. Which is more than perfect. A little anticlimatic given how crazy nervous I got but good nonetheless.

I'd hate to get involved with someone right now. what with adam coming home...

I know we won't get back together. I know we've both been hurting too much.

ANd i'm not sure if i'm ready to forgive. I was at one point... But i'm not sure anymore...

And I know he's been hurt too much. in his ways. in his silence.

But at the same time I know we love each other. Love each other more than we understand. I know he has this belief inside of him that says we were meant to be together. And if it doesn't work now then we'll find each other again. And i know that I will never love like i've loved him...

But that's not enough.

So much has happened. So many mistakes have been made. SO many accusations and cries.

We're supposed to see each other at midnight on friday, the night he gets back.

What do we really expect will happen so late? What will really happen?

I was hoping that a couple of days after he got home he'd want to catch a late lunch inbetween my classes. At least we'd have somethign to do. But what will we do? I'll go to his house and see the places we used to love each other in.

I almost want to force him to live his life conscious of where I used to be and am no longer. I wanted to give him a handful of days or weeks or months to see where i once stood. To feel the loss of me.

But that's unfair. childish, i know.

But he'll have his cake. eat it too. Have me too.

Will we hug? will we kiss? will I cry?

I know what i'll say now. I've practiced. I need him to make a choice. I'm making this black and white. yes or no. Because this inbetween ground is what hurts us both the most. I need him to tell me that he loves me. And if he loves me then we can work it out. We'll hate each other sometimes and it'll hurt... But what's one bad day in reference to a month? and what's a month to a year? and what's a year to an entire lifetime? What's one bad step compared the millions of good ones we'll take along the way?

and the only other choice will be if he doesn't love me enough. I doubt he can say that he's 100% free of love from me givenour history but... He needs to gauge what is and isn't enough. It's time i made clear what is and isn't enough. And if he can't love me enough then that's ok. because i've been so alone now that it won't be too hard to adjust. WE can go our seperate ways, have our seperate lives and forge whatever it is that will make up happiest.

But I just need to know. no more inbetween times. no more fear time. dread times.

It's Love or Not Love enough. and i've made my choice. I know what i want from him and from myself. he needs to figure out what he wants because i can't drag myself along like this forever.

He's home in 5 days. monday. tuesday. wednesday. thursday. friday. How will I be able to stand it? I'll try to keep myself busy but apparently that'll be difficult given my busy factor the past two weeks...

Sausalito

I remember Sausalito. How crazy i went with who knows what to call it. I remember I waited to hear from him online. Talked to someone else instead. those long 3 years ago.

Is this what i do? are these the things i do?

Kiss Another Face

I'm thinking of you and I get a sort of stunted double vision.

All i wanted was the noise.

All i wanted was the feeling of something close to me again. I feel so far. I feel so far.

I feel so distant.

And I wanted you to tell me that you still loved me. Still loved me. But you said I still hurt you. you still hurt me.

And i understood. i understand. And whoever really thought love was enough anyways? I don't anymore.

And she wonders why I can't trust and Why I can't let go.

Well I understand. I understand. Don't love me anymore, I understand. Turn your phone off and kiss another face. Don't love me anymore. Don't anymore.

And Everyone sleeps so early now and i'm desperate. Just want to feel close again. feel closed again. feel close again.

Pictures of the ones i used to love and i used to hate but not i just regret. I see the warmth on their skin.

And that's what i want. I want sunkissed. I want close. I want close.

I'm lonely but i cannot talk. I'm afraid and I will not dare. Let's kiss eyes closed and pretend like that's enough. We never believed it anyways. never believed us anyways.

And I say "if only I could have been strong enough not to hurt you..." And I mean, "if only you were strong enough not to hurt me..."

Best friends doesn't mean forever. It means for now until life gets in the way. And Tired doesn't mean let's go to bed together and make everything alright. It means i'm so tired of you so please don't speak.

I just wanted the noise. The noise. the noise.

I want my voice back.

Slowly

Today I stopped myself from doing something because i realized it wouldn't make me feel any better.

See, i'm not always self destructive.

A List

To compare to an older entry:

100 things you may not know about me:

1. I secretly believe I'm Anais Nin
2. I want to find my Henry Miller
3. I have more than one "professor" fantasies
4. Sometimes I get so scared all i can think about is how badly I want to die.
5. It bothers me that people are more ready to believe in hell than in heaven.
6. I love to ask hypothetical questions.
7. And it hurts my feelings when people laugh at them
8. I watch soap Operas
9. I have no real secrets
10. Most of my pajamas are pastel colored.
11. I never slept with pillows until i started to sleep with boys.
12. I fall for someone every summer
13. I've recently come to see my frigidity
14. And i guess that's my big secret.
15. I rarely read books more than once.
16. But i read my own blog entires uncountable times.
17. I don't really consider myself a writer but i have nothing better to consider myself
18. On bad days i don't agree with "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"
19. On good days i agree whole heartedly.
20. I don't think i'm love-jaded yet
21. But i've been jaded when it comes to friends since i was a sophmore in high school.
22. I now believe in arms length.
23. twenty two is my favorite number because i believe in pairs.
24. I'm in love with sunshine.
25. I don't believe in a lot of the things i did 3 years ago.
26. And sometimes that makes it hard to get out of bed.
27. It's a part of growing up and i have new faiths now.
28. I don't believe in relationships. But in Love Affairs.
29. I'm not morally opposed to prostitution. only against disrespect.
30. I think most porn is degrading and gross.
31. but not all of it.
32. I squeal when i'm excited.
33. I like the word "confines"
34. I'm not sure what would be the bigger insult, to be called ugly or stupid.
35. Nothing makes me feel more like a woman than spinning in Ballroom dance.
36. I live for heart swells.
37. I'm an imagist.
38. A lyrcist.
39. I don't know how to be funny
40. I consider myself socially inept so i'm usually adventurous and crazy to hide my insecurity.
41. All boys' voices begin to sound the same after a certain amount of time.
42. I don't drink or do drugs because I'm a control freak
43. Yet obsession rules me.
44. And that scares the shit out of me in reference to things like drugs and alcohol.
45. I'm a person of distinct Phases.
46. I get bored easily
47. I idolize my older sister.
48. and my mom.
49. I'm a compulsive liar
50. I have been since i was a little little kid
51. And because of that, It's hard for me to remember what really happened or what i lied happened.
52. I'm most ashamed of that in my entire life.
53. I see no problems with regretting things or being ashamed.
54. I like the way letters look. It entrances me.
55. I dream of dating a writer.
56. I think i'm a bit of a narccissist (sp?)
57. I know Adam and I won't get back together when he comes home.
58. I consider it a finished book.
59. And if i could close all the other ones maybe i wouldn't recycle boys so often.
60. I can't ever think of fake phone numbers
61. I always tell all the same stories and that embaresses me
62. I can think of one instance of being romantically interested / sexually attracted to someone of almost all races.
63. I don't like people touching me especially around my neck/shoulders/arms/face.
64. My phobia is more real than anyone knows yet
65. I'm not much of a hypochondriac anymore
66. I have the most romantic dreams.
67. I get lonely everynight before i sleep
68. I blog and journal and Myspace too often than is healthy
69. I hate literature classes.
70. I suck at spelling.
71. I like to do silly things like letters at lip bites and can top names.
72. I sew.
73. thinking of 100 things is like pulling teeth.
74. I have two less adult teeth than is normal
75. i've sprained both of my ankles once
76. I haven't climbed a tree i a really long time.
77. The first conscience insecurity I remember having is about the callouses on my hands when i was 4.
78. I can trace journals back all the way back to when i was 12.
79. I like to be feminine.
80. I have a sensitive gag reflex
81. I like the idea of god
82. I don't like the idea of exclusionary religions
83. I am ashamed of american politicing.
84. My faraway dream would be to move to a small semi-tropical 3rd world country innocent and free of human destruction.
85. In that dream I'm with the love of my life. As yet unnamed.
86. I hope we have kids. beautiful babies with thick rich dark hair, brown skin, and happy faces.
87. Perfection is static and I'm in full progress
89. The keys to my heart are words and sentimentality. always.
90. I'm a total doormat and i hate when people point it out.
91. or take advantage.
92. I believe I'm strong, though many don't.
93. I'm out to prove the world wrong
94. And i don't mind taking the long scenic way
95. My hate is usually mixed with pity and sadness.
96. And love with sexuality.
97. I don't know the difference between sensual and sexual
98. But i do between love and passion
99. But i would prefer them hand in hand.
100. But my life is going to be complete without it.

Friends in all the wrong places

Because I can't let you go i'll see this pictures and curse. I'll look at your arms and try to remember them myself. But it doesn't happen. It doesn't work.

To me now, you're just faded thoughts. Faded feelings. Overplayed never sent love letters hate letters and I think --

I know now.

that i'm just clinging.

It's been too long since we last saw each other. It's been too long since you loved me.

We have nothing now.

And i only wish i could forget it all.

In Dreams: A Lesson on Love

We were sitting there on a couch. In hazy unfocused light. And i couldn't breathe. And i was so afraid. and I wanted so badly to kiss you. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to cry into you.

And I put my hand out. And you took it. And while we talked in whispers, soft voices, with my hand upturned, you stroked it. Your beautiful artist's hands gently along the lines of every finger. my palm.

And you brought it to your lips.

And I loved you so much.

Confessions

I Hate you. I hate how you can hurt me. How you always do. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

There are times i wish i could scream it at you all night long. Until my voice is raw. Until there are no tears left in me.

I hate you.

I Hate you.

How could you hurt me like this. How could you do this to me. what did i ever do to deserve this. what did i ever do that has made me so awful.

I hate you for reasons i'll never tell anyone. Because everyone will look down on me for it.

I hate you for making me ashamed of myself. Of the things i hold inside of me.

I make jokes of it. I make fun of it. BUt i am so hurt i can barely breathe at times. I am so hurt that it hurts me to be alive.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

You nothing. You selfish. You lousy. You Useless. You Coward. Liar. I hate you.

Your weakness i hate. you lack of passion i hate. your death i hate. I hate you. I hate you.



and no matter what anyone says this will never be ok again. I will be ok but this, this will never mend.




I hate you for that.

For You

I feel as if i have been gone for all of eternity. Until all of time has passed. I feel like i've missed years. I looked for the ages gone past. But time is still. No hours have passed. And the day remains the same. You are not home. You are not coming.

I feel cool and full of water. As if the smell is on me. The heat rises from every pore. The tired sweet laziness. The fantasy of it all. The softness. The sound of splashing.

Hair runs down into droplets and saturated skin wrinkles. I have been a mermaid. I have swum one thousand miles. I am back again. My legs are not strong. But my breathing is.

I feel thin and thick. I feel smooth. I want to run warm rocks against my skin. I want rich wine to run the back of me.

I want the night to be warm and the stars to be bright. I have stood on lighted balconies listening to these ballads for the first times. I have been each string so tightly wound. So tightly plucked. I have never been afraid. i have always been beautiful with dark shining eyes.

Even the moon has no grasp of real time. I am her caretaker.

I laugh at your image. Because I have never been a cat with claws outstretched. I have never had my back arched against the emptiness. I have never prowled. Your body so tense and judgemental. So cold. I will never want to unwind you again. You are yours and I am more beautiful. I am more beautiful.

And i breathe the essense from herbs spun with stones and exhale life. The moths and butterflies flock to be intoxicated with me. But they all fail. Only I can hold this. Only I can give this.

There is nothing left here. not green trees or acres. Not night constellations and rocky cliffs. No more poetry and no more brutality. We've missed it all. We went spinning waltzes and stories and woven blankets.

It's all come undone. A million loves have passed. It is only me. Bare.

And in the Mirror At Midnight, She sees.

An adult with thin wrists and scrappy hair she holds her breath in the break of wet and makes a wish. "make it go away" her heart whispers.

She runs through rain to earn a way to heaven, take a left on Prospect for the pretty view of lights.

And at night Sirius is the only star she sees. She would wish but they're all gone now.

They desert him before the doorstop even.

She deserts her Him on the drive home through silence.

"i'm sorry" her heart whispers.

It's too early and too late. And she goes online still crossing her fingers, still hidden in tunnels.

Sometimes no matter how hard you hope there are some things impossible. Unicorns.

She doesn't anyone else to want her Beautiful but him. thank you for closing off within her. Thank you for making it impossible to be happy.

Where will she turn tomorrow? Where will she wish? Where will she get lost? Who will find the way?

She doesn't and won't ever smell of him again. heartache.