Sensitive

Here's a letter to you. But don't be too vain. don't think you matter too much.

My room is a mess. There are holes in the walls everywhere. I've listened to Jewel more than my fair share of handful of times. I haven't showered. i won't tell you how long it's been.

First thing first: I want to tell you about Adam. About how much i love him. how i need him. how a lot can be said for dependancy. Without him i won't exist. i won't exist.

He kiss all along my back today. in the sunshine. soft lips. warm face. like i was fucking beautiful he kissed me. Shoulders. neck. spine. all the right places.

We fucked every day for a week straight. It was always slow. maybe a little boring. A little long but i didn't mind. Each time i forced an orgasm. And then i lay at the brink of tears. After he cums he dresses himself and goes to the bathroom. If he doesn't and tries to hold me it makes my skin crawl. and i cringe away. yea, just like i did with you. He takes the hint.

I don't know whats wrong with me anymore. I really don't.

I keep thinking about a handful of years ago and i'm clinging more than i usally cling (and i usually do a lot). I know i'm distancing myself. I know i'm no longer really close to anyone. In my small baby step way i'm pushign and pushing and pushing. Nothing big. nothing too hard. pushing pushing pushing.

I'm scared. so scared. I love too much andthat scares me.

I'm back to who i was a month ago. I want to move in with him. I want him to coddle me everynight. I want to go to sleep with company. I want breakfast. i want lunch. I want too much. always too much. That's why i shouldn't do this.

why i shouldn't try to develop friendships. relationships. anything resembling a ship. I want too much. i storm too hard. and i love too much. i need too much. and then what happens? I don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i fuck up. i always do. i fuck up.

and they can't have me anymore. can't give to me cause it hurts to see me hurt and they don't have what i want. don't have magic and answers. and it hurts to know i'm dissappointed. hurts. i hurt the people around me. i hurt them.

I'm so sorry. i never really meant to. i'm sorry. sorry sorry sorry.

But that ended. ended. What's the game now? distance. get too close. get too far.

like childhood nightmares.

I'm constantly paranoid of being raped. in a way that i let control me. My heart races when i see cop cars, empty streets, men in general. I don't know why.

i know i had seconds and thirds. to my indirect address. i nkow there was more. but i'm tired. so tired. so tired.

please, honey, baby, count up my words. with blood mend them. place them. wrap me in blankets and love me.