contasting colors. fingers stained. the words "caress" on my lips.
I wanted you to hold me to you. tightly. act like you could be whole with me again.
Alone again hands in secret places and feeling unfufilled. always.
I colored slowly. you're the artist. you're the artist. my hands fail me now. they fail me. and teh words go coursing through my mind and i'd rather write instead.
I go to teh computer, heart and head empty. Back to bed. i touch myself again.
I don't know what i want. don't know what i need.
I think of colors. dark and light or a beautiful word like hyacinth.
blue.
the chalk left me unamused. would rather paint with blood and tears and blackness.
stiflingly hot. shivering cold. all in a moment.
can barely breathe. that's ok. dirty hair. dirty hair. dirty fingers.
Don't you want to touch me? don't you want to make me cum? don't yo uwant to show that you love me?
I just wanted your hands on my hips like you're never let me go. I wanted fierceness. or tenderness. or anything that could be called something.
no more middle ground. lukewarm. mediocre. unexpressed.
I'm vain. i wanted you to look at me. draw me. paint me. in a million colors. a million times. I wanted your eyes to never leave my body. even if you're only looking at the curves, if only looking at the object.
I wanted you to take me and to have me. I wanted you to be my master. so i could belong to you. belong to you again.
I'm chained.
I kissed your upturned palm, breathless with almost tears in my eyes. your wrist. your forearm. your inner elbow. the muscles of your forcep. your shoulder. your back. your neck. Moaning i kissed you moved to tears with love.
you lay there unaffected.
knees. calves. inner thigh. hips. the indent of your ribs. the middle of your chest where i'm sure your heart lay not feeling a thing. your collar bone. your lips again.
you shrugged away.
But you were hard anyway.
I climbed on top and you let me. we moved and moved and moved and still you didn't kiss me. I didn't mind.
I just want you to love me always.
I came in breaths that sounded and felt like sobs. you rolled me away, still hard, condom still on.
Kissed the top of my head like a child. I whispered "i love you" and you said "i love you too." and i slept with my back to you all night.
in the morning you were less loving.
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