The Crimes I've Committed

So it's night time. night before my birthday. i have the worlds most wonderful family. the greatest friends. the sweetest boyfriend. and it feels like life should be great right now, right?

like the depression, my "rut," my "funk" should lift, right?

well it's still teh night before and it's anythign but.

it's accentuated.

I lay there, past midnight, alone, can't sleep. all i can think is "oh the ills i've done." ANd i feel so awful guilty.

Forget anything and everything that's ever been done to me, the crimes committed against my person.

But oh god, what have i done to the people around me? what?

I don't think i've ever pretended to think i was perfect, my flaws always so much more obvious to me than anyone else, but god. oh god.

It's people like her, like them that make me like this. Make me feel like maybe life isn't worth it, that dealing isn't worth it.

In the end i always know it's my fault. what awful evils have i done? what evils have i done?

First Tiffany, then Robbie, now Lysa.

what have i done? how mean have i been? so hateful?

And i feel downright terrible.

THe wrongs i've done that can no longer be avoided and cannot be addressed. 18 full years of life and i feel like maybe i'm not deserving. forget if i've wanted them or not. but have i deserved them?

I'll be honest, i'm spoiled. so awful awful awful spoiled. i won't tell anyone what i got for my birthday cause i feel like i should be ashamed. I'm fucking rotten. grateful for what's been given to me but so undeserving. so undeserving.


Come mid morning i was fine. all kinds of birthday happys.