Halloween

And his tongue touched her lips
Warm and moist. Hard and soft. Giving and taking.
Making her moan
Low and well felt.
Trembled.

She wanted him to hold her kiss her have her
Entirely
For all eternity.

She wanted to run her hands up his legs
To where he wants it most,
Wants to be touched most,
To have him. Have him. Have him.
Passionately
For a thousand forevers

All past lovers, barely lovers,
Bedmates with inadequate hands
A distant shame.
A memory from another girl,
A dirty girl.
A girl with no heart and no discretion and all because he was gone.
But he's here now, back now, shhh.
No sobs now, here in her arms now.

And the light is midnight blue
And she wants to whisper,
"Tie my hands.
Blindfold me.
Have me."

She surrenders to him.
Surrender, surrender,
Oh, sweet surrender.

And the water rushes in.

Love of a Seashell

contasting colors. fingers stained. the words "caress" on my lips.

I wanted you to hold me to you. tightly. act like you could be whole with me again.

Alone again hands in secret places and feeling unfufilled. always.

I colored slowly. you're the artist. you're the artist. my hands fail me now. they fail me. and teh words go coursing through my mind and i'd rather write instead.

I go to teh computer, heart and head empty. Back to bed. i touch myself again.

I don't know what i want. don't know what i need.

I think of colors. dark and light or a beautiful word like hyacinth.

blue.

the chalk left me unamused. would rather paint with blood and tears and blackness.

stiflingly hot. shivering cold. all in a moment.

can barely breathe. that's ok. dirty hair. dirty hair. dirty fingers.

Don't you want to touch me? don't you want to make me cum? don't yo uwant to show that you love me?

I just wanted your hands on my hips like you're never let me go. I wanted fierceness. or tenderness. or anything that could be called something.

no more middle ground. lukewarm. mediocre. unexpressed.

I'm vain. i wanted you to look at me. draw me. paint me. in a million colors. a million times. I wanted your eyes to never leave my body. even if you're only looking at the curves, if only looking at the object.

I wanted you to take me and to have me. I wanted you to be my master. so i could belong to you. belong to you again.

I'm chained.

I kissed your upturned palm, breathless with almost tears in my eyes. your wrist. your forearm. your inner elbow. the muscles of your forcep. your shoulder. your back. your neck. Moaning i kissed you moved to tears with love.

you lay there unaffected.

knees. calves. inner thigh. hips. the indent of your ribs. the middle of your chest where i'm sure your heart lay not feeling a thing. your collar bone. your lips again.

you shrugged away.

But you were hard anyway.

I climbed on top and you let me. we moved and moved and moved and still you didn't kiss me. I didn't mind.

I just want you to love me always.

I came in breaths that sounded and felt like sobs. you rolled me away, still hard, condom still on.

Kissed the top of my head like a child. I whispered "i love you" and you said "i love you too." and i slept with my back to you all night.

in the morning you were less loving.

portraits and pastels

Life... sucks. end of story. just like that. just like that.

i'm cold too often.

i wrote a journal along my blanket using my fingers to trace the words. no one saw. adam left, didn't say goodbye.

I made him mad. didn't say sorry. won't say sorry.

no big surprise, just big drama.

i need to get out of here. out of here. out of here.

I need to leave this behind, leave him behind.

So fuckign what if without him i feel meaningless. scared. i don't want heart break anymore. i don't want it anymore. How can i just give up? give up without even trying. without even trying.

how can i try if i know it's doomed?

I love him. I love adam. love love love love love. i promise i do.

The Crimes I've Committed

So it's night time. night before my birthday. i have the worlds most wonderful family. the greatest friends. the sweetest boyfriend. and it feels like life should be great right now, right?

like the depression, my "rut," my "funk" should lift, right?

well it's still teh night before and it's anythign but.

it's accentuated.

I lay there, past midnight, alone, can't sleep. all i can think is "oh the ills i've done." ANd i feel so awful guilty.

Forget anything and everything that's ever been done to me, the crimes committed against my person.

But oh god, what have i done to the people around me? what?

I don't think i've ever pretended to think i was perfect, my flaws always so much more obvious to me than anyone else, but god. oh god.

It's people like her, like them that make me like this. Make me feel like maybe life isn't worth it, that dealing isn't worth it.

In the end i always know it's my fault. what awful evils have i done? what evils have i done?

First Tiffany, then Robbie, now Lysa.

what have i done? how mean have i been? so hateful?

And i feel downright terrible.

THe wrongs i've done that can no longer be avoided and cannot be addressed. 18 full years of life and i feel like maybe i'm not deserving. forget if i've wanted them or not. but have i deserved them?

I'll be honest, i'm spoiled. so awful awful awful spoiled. i won't tell anyone what i got for my birthday cause i feel like i should be ashamed. I'm fucking rotten. grateful for what's been given to me but so undeserving. so undeserving.


Come mid morning i was fine. all kinds of birthday happys.

I'm scared. really downright awful scared.

Sensitive

Here's a letter to you. But don't be too vain. don't think you matter too much.

My room is a mess. There are holes in the walls everywhere. I've listened to Jewel more than my fair share of handful of times. I haven't showered. i won't tell you how long it's been.

First thing first: I want to tell you about Adam. About how much i love him. how i need him. how a lot can be said for dependancy. Without him i won't exist. i won't exist.

He kiss all along my back today. in the sunshine. soft lips. warm face. like i was fucking beautiful he kissed me. Shoulders. neck. spine. all the right places.

We fucked every day for a week straight. It was always slow. maybe a little boring. A little long but i didn't mind. Each time i forced an orgasm. And then i lay at the brink of tears. After he cums he dresses himself and goes to the bathroom. If he doesn't and tries to hold me it makes my skin crawl. and i cringe away. yea, just like i did with you. He takes the hint.

I don't know whats wrong with me anymore. I really don't.

I keep thinking about a handful of years ago and i'm clinging more than i usally cling (and i usually do a lot). I know i'm distancing myself. I know i'm no longer really close to anyone. In my small baby step way i'm pushign and pushing and pushing. Nothing big. nothing too hard. pushing pushing pushing.

I'm scared. so scared. I love too much andthat scares me.

I'm back to who i was a month ago. I want to move in with him. I want him to coddle me everynight. I want to go to sleep with company. I want breakfast. i want lunch. I want too much. always too much. That's why i shouldn't do this.

why i shouldn't try to develop friendships. relationships. anything resembling a ship. I want too much. i storm too hard. and i love too much. i need too much. and then what happens? I don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i fuck up. i always do. i fuck up.

and they can't have me anymore. can't give to me cause it hurts to see me hurt and they don't have what i want. don't have magic and answers. and it hurts to know i'm dissappointed. hurts. i hurt the people around me. i hurt them.

I'm so sorry. i never really meant to. i'm sorry. sorry sorry sorry.

But that ended. ended. What's the game now? distance. get too close. get too far.

like childhood nightmares.

I'm constantly paranoid of being raped. in a way that i let control me. My heart races when i see cop cars, empty streets, men in general. I don't know why.

i know i had seconds and thirds. to my indirect address. i nkow there was more. but i'm tired. so tired. so tired.

please, honey, baby, count up my words. with blood mend them. place them. wrap me in blankets and love me.

How Long Can I Remember?

This is time for reform. THis is time for new games. new people. new places.

This is time for work. for dedication.

I'm closing this screen (for now). I'm signing off. I'm turning over. I'm pulling the blankets down.

It's timef or cleaning. for working. for running and washing and it's time for ambition.

I need goals. i need pathways. I need determination.

Here's me. ready for change. Here's me. working for change.

Soon enough i'll be out of here and all of you (almost all of you) will just be a faded memory.

I won't have to hate you anymore. avoid you anymore. turn you down anymore.

not anymore.

Maybe i can live. maybe i can love. Maybe i can keep the good people in my life and once and for all let go of all of you that kept me here. kept me here. kept me here.

here in a place of nothing. in a place of me being nothing.

Thank you for teaching me about life. thank you for being a bitch. a hater. an asshole. thank you.

Because i know now. i know now. I know that i'm ready to be ok. that i'm not as awful as you make me. that i'm not as mean as you see me.

I have good parts too. soft parts. love parts.

Of course i'm not perfect, never pretended to be. never pretended to be.

But i can stand. stand.

both feet on teh ground, knees stretched, thighs strong.

stand. stand.

It's time for me to stand.

Find myself without the confines of you.

The so many yous i've let rule my life.

Monday Night Passion

Hold a match to my flame.

add to the fire. add to the fire.

make me burn.

I'm burning for you.

inside me. fucking me. fucking me. fucking me.

Together everythign is hottness and softness and tumbling and rumbling and grumbling.

and my pants are always down with my legs wrapped around you.

and my shirts always up with my arms wrapped around you.

because that's how much i love you. i love you. i love you.

THat's how much i love you.

cold drive. cold fingers. cold roads

and the cold cold moon. She's crying now. crying now.

Driving away. driving away.

Always alone, you're not where she's heading but you'll always be her home.

you're not so far away but why not here? why not here? You'll always be her home.

everything.

And she's leaving you, turning her back, starting the engine, leaving you.

And she'll always turn back. she'll always look over her shoulder. always remember you. Always love you

The Horses Ran By

I was going to call you but i knew you wouldn't answer. I went through my mental phone book. Empty again.

I just wanted someone. No one important really. Someone to just be with. Talk with. I wanted to go exploring. go find an adeventure. I wanted to stumble upon something beautiful, anything really.

This morning in the sun light i considered going out but mostly as an excuse to dress myself.

I want to do all these wonderful, majestic, breath taking things.

And i don't want to do them alone.

I want someone to be there, through all of it, always. I want someone to make me exist.

Because everything i've ever felt, everything i've done and seen and heard and thought about...

None of it exists if it isn't shared with someone else.

THere's no proof it was only ever just me.

I wanted to write you an email. to tell you that when i was a kid i moved a handful of times and even now, so grown in life, I feel like i'ven't ever made solid relationships. Anyways, as a kid i would lie a lot. I mean, how would they know, right? How could anyone know... Lying is of no consequence if you can't be proven wrong.

Everything i've done and everythign i've said i am could be an absolute and total lie.

And maybe it is.

Maybe i'm only everything that everyone has taught me to be.

I want to exist out side of myself.

I want you to tell me i'm beautiful again because then it could be a sort of truth.

I wantyou here again and so i can love, laugh, hate, and live. And because of you, know that it all realy happened.

I don't feel lost. I don't feel alone. I don't feel empty. But maybe that's not a good thing. Maybe all of those lead to growth.

Because i know where i am: no where. I know who surrounds me: friends and friends i don't realy know. I know what fills me: hatred. anger. but mostly failure.

I am passionless with a passion. I'm mellow. but mostly blue.

berry.

I play too many video games. I watch TV too often. I'm something i don't even like anymore.

I'm on the internet too much but i'm barely on relatively.

I'm just waiting for the first move. just waiting. just waiting.

If you would listen, if anyone would, i'd talk for hours about Kevin. About all my theories and untheories on him. I'd say every feeling i had for him. I would relate every experience we shared and didn't share.

And maybe then i'd be over it. But i know i won't be. I never really am. Over any of them, really.

do you want a list? Here's in order: Jeremy, edmund, weekend, jason, lerch, kevin, adam, milo, casy. All the boys.

but none of them really count.

No one really counts anymore. No one. not anyone. not anymore. nothing nothing nothing. I feel like if i coudl just repeat it enough times in a day they everything would be alright.

nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing.

like therapy. like consolation.

nothing. nothing. nothing.

I think of sound proof rooms with white walls in palo alto. With leaves along teh sidewalk and sunshine, always sunshine. A few windows, a fan. soundproof. scrabble. needy eyes. couches. chairs. papers.

nothing nothing nothing nothing.

A girl with a spongebob shirt. The hallways. The yellow pad of paper where jagged things took form. The songs we listened to. Hearing girls about anorexia. A girl named robin. Or maybe i've pretended her name.

nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothingnothingnothing

in a movie i heard them talk of a medication i used to take. I think it was the pink one.

there was pink and white and more white. more blue. I don't quite remember it was so long ago. I barely think about it now. I don't know why i am now.

nothing nothing nothing nothing

as if i could soothe away something that i'm not even feeling into a sort fo afternoon sleep.

that you'll never disrupt with your call. that you'll never disrupt with your warmth.

Sometimes i fall asleep only hoping i'll wake with you there.

nothign nothing. always the same things. always that same nothing.

I don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. I don't remember when it switched to first person. or if i ever started with third at all. I don't know why i'm talking and i don't know why i have no personal secrets.

Let me tell you now. I have no secrets. None.

there is no darkness inside of me. i have no reason to complain.

Just a want. just a need. just an urge.

Don't fool yourself.

I'm no poet. no writer. no story teller. word weaver.

I'm just a slut with a longing and a kayboard. Just a fuck with too many words left behind. A relationship drawn on far too long.

Justify My Love

She sucked him off. Even after he came. because she wanted to.

reapplied her lipstick before work, straightened her skirt.

Her lips are red and almost lucsious. She's dying to be touched.

by a woman.

She lets her hips swing and all she can think is of the time when one them said "you just seem really tall." and she was flattered.

She knows she should change it, gets lazy. lets the blood soak in.

She's worn high heels every day this week, loves the way they make her legs look.

She's singing and happy and almost ashamed.

She's thinking of one of her firsts. how she wants to live life closer. have him see her. once in a lifetime chance. Wants him to fall in love all over again. Wants to prove to herself that true love couldn't possibly exist. but lets stop being stupid, she knows it's not him. he's just another open book she regrets never finishing (regrets never fucking).

let's not lie. She's horny.

SHe wants to be abused.

She wants to have scratch lines on her back, bite marks on her shoulder. bruises on her thighs.

She wants to be fucked. fucked. fucked.

And she almost wants to cry all the while.

well now, isn't that fucked.

She feels hard. jagged. rough. tough.

wants her best to see and say "god, you're sexy."

She wants to rip off her clothes and be a sort of tigress.

SHe wants to be carniverous.

She wants to scream.

scream
scream
scream

loudly.
with passion.

over and over
again

until her throat is raw and bleeding.
until her eyes run black with tears.
until she has this thing

this thing inside of her
this awful thing there, inside her

gone.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-W.H. Auden (1907-1973)

I'm not going to ask because I'm not ready for the answer.

I'm going to stop myself because i've never been able to distance from you but you've always been able to from me.

That is no fault on your part. only mine.

Close my eyes. Close my eyes. Close my eyes.

This no longer exists. This doubt is imaginary.

I won't say a word any longer. not to you. not a slip. not an implication.

I'm not ready for the truth.

Even not hearing it i'm scared and hurt. By you.

I know you'll agree with him. I know you'll tell me.

My insecurities are far too great for friendship.

for dependance.

step back. step back. step back.

Where do i stand? what do i say?

I'll hold myself a moment longer and then i'll walk away.

Then i'll walk away and you'll simply be another one i'll always miss.

Love Letter to My Laura

She's scared. So scared.

and she thought about you all night. How you're beautiful and sometimes she'll want to cry when she thinks how you said they love only out of saddness.

Maybe that is it.

But love is love all the same, isn't it?

She figured it out. Why they could never stay too close always. She saw it last time you were together. She saw you out of the corner of her eye looking out the window. You were both silent in a fearful misery.

You know what it was? You just couldn't ever let go. neither could she.

You saw each other too clearly. knew what was behind every smile. what was the true meaning of every laugh. knew that if you believed in karma you'd understand that for every time one loved in public they truly hated in private. That's why.

Let's drop all pretenses.

When I was with other people I could forget who i was. Forget about it. let it go. let it go. let myself go. Let everything i knew i was go. Leave it behind. For nights at a time i could go screaming. loving. crazying. For so long i could abandon what was inside of me. I could ignore my heart. And of course that was wonderful. of course that was fun. But with you, you were too much of myself. Looking at you was mirror like.

I fucking love you. there is NO denying that.

But sometimes i'm afraid of the power you have over me that you don't even realize. That you don't even realize.

Sitting there in the car with you, mostly quiet with sad songs to fill the air it was alway more hurtful. it was always such misery.

But not because of you.

Because of me. I could be truly be myself. The deepest darkest scariest parts of myself fully realized. and that isn't a bad thing.

People think we bring one another down. Feed off of one another's depression. But i don't think that's what it is at all... that with each other, we no longer had to hide.

And for that I thank you. As affectionately as i can muster. I am grateful. For every moment i was angry at you. that you were angry at me. that i was sad because of you and you because of me. for all the tears we shed and all the blood too. For everytime we "vented" about each other but were really talking shit. every time you hurt me. and well, not for the times i hurt you cause that i can say i truly regret. But for everything. everything. everything. Thank you for hating me. and thank you for the times i hated you.

Because through it all, all, through it all i loved you.

And it's been a different kind of love than i've had with anyone else.

A Very Bitter Entry I'll Regret Later On

Well hello kids and welcome to the Sydney Show.

Yup, comes up about once a month where sydney is raging bitch and rants about pointless crap that bothers her.

try this one on for size... sometimes i want to go into detail about how he fucks me. How i love it. How he always knows where to put his hands and he can make me cum. cum. cum. cum. cum for days.

and it isn't even just fucking. it's LOVING. fits just right, doesn't it. Because things can get so passionate i'm moaning before he even touches me.

sounds like fun. doesn't it.

oh, and by the way, to a she. I hate you. I fucking hate you. You're unfair and mean and awful. and so what if i'm all of those things too. So what.

hey guys? yea in a couple of days i'm getting a new phone number. Don't expect to get it if there's an offchance i'm ready to cut you out of my life.

Cause there most definately comes a time when you really truly appreciate the people that bring security or happiness or anything worthwhile into your life. Cause i can say that I fucking love whole heartedly a handful of people that really do a lot for me. And i can also say that there're people that i have let bring me down for far too long. far. too. long.

and it's time for that to stop.

A List of Completely Unrelated Thoughts

She feels vulgar surrounded by sweet sounding girls. She holds her tounge. Isolationism.

In the back row again, head against desk, a nightmare comes.

their hands are furious and she's aching for him.

Her body rocked to no rhythm and she watched the world move around her.

Everything went in slow motion. at sixty miles an hour. The sound of the road too loud for conversation.

Peices of red around her neck like glass. like love. like attempts at "ok."

Wet Chair, wet hair, her light brown hair and it's softness.

She planned a talk all night and instead gave him head. Wonderfully. beautifully.

falling or forcing.

sister to sister talks and a new realization.

regression amongst high heels and tank tops. 13 years, she thinks. 13 years gone.

Thrown desk, drowning anger, a dragon never found. weakness in it's place.

A hole as consequence of fucking instead of fixing.

Dark chocolate cake, sweet and moist that makes her heart ache.

Boys yelling from car windows and she feels appreciated.

Another begging long distance for stories and phone sex and then emotional break throughs.

Another with white flowers on in days and sweet kisses, backrubs, trying for love again. They still love each other but are no longer loving.

She wants to feel whole again.

She considers crying for the first time since reunion. Now, the first time after late night car exchanges of love. She moaned for his pleasure. She gave for her own.

A bit of him swallowed. A bit of his life that's hers forever. The taste still coating her mouth.

She finally tells him the moment she knew she loved him and he doesn't remember.

She comes home, shirt in hand.

Doesn't call back. Doesn't well wish. Not her habit But she shrugs it away.

She wanted to tell him that she loved him and instead saw another.

"the night is young" she thinks and they act like adults carefully placing each item of clothing neatly. Where they'll remember for later on.

Only 30 minutes wasted.

The moment he's done is the the moment he closes. Pulls up, protected. She almost likes it better that way.

She still wishes for nights in his arms and comfort. But only a little because she can't take the pain.

No gain.

She wants to weep to your love but she feels too needy to call, instead reads your blog. She Loves you.

She envisions herself beautiful in white and is suddenly afraid that if they die together no one will know her death wishes.

At night she goes home, undresses, holds a stuffed animal and sleeps. like a child. With inanimate softness as consolation. She's afraid and for the first time in her life uses a comfort objest. Shame.

No Money, No gas, and Nothing to wear.

She never got to tell anyone of her breaking moment against white marble with the background retching. She didn't tell of her break apart. But it's over now.

Her eyes feel dry and she closes them. Closes them. Closes them. She closes.