::really big sigh::

i hope you know... you're not allowed to hold as big a part of my heart as you do....

I never do these things but here....

oh. and you can give thanks to Kevin for this one. i couldn't help but take it?


I'm a Strawberry Daiqery, discover your ALcoHoLiC personality!

I write in this thing less and less... and when i do it's when i get SO emotional i overflow into here. so i'm sorry if all my entries seem upset or sad or depressing or angry. cause usually.. i AM those. i mean... if i were HAPPY why the FUCK would i sit at my computer to talk about it!? why not ya know.. go out and BE happy. and so that's JUST what i do... Halloween tomorrow. my grandma's bday today and i TOTALLY forgot. i feel like SUCH a fucking asshole. gggrrrrrr wrote a letter to Kevin just for the hell of it (no emotional cry baby-ness) and i watch dark angel like NO other. that's the end of my story.

Honestly? I hate you. you digust me SO intensely that when i'm with you i want to hurl. everything about you. everything i once invested in you. I once believed everyone deserved a second chance. that it was my duty to forgive and forget. third chances aren't given and i hope you know that you weren't ever worth forgiving.

and to reiterate... you make me sick.

ew. bad morning. bad sleep. i kept waking the fuck up and so FINALLY at what i think is 9 o clock i decide to call it quits and just lay in bed. i'ev woken up angry, bitter, irritable, and having a party in my poll of selfpity. ohdear god i LOVE mornings like these. and THEN i discover stupid mother fucking daylight goddamned savings! i didn't wake up at 9 o clck like my handy not so smart alarm clock told me. i woke up at 8. EIGHT!!! sydney tan was awoken at 8 in the FUCKING morning on a sunday. and then my mom comes in... (grumbles underbreath) to use my computer to buy tickets to Disney on ice wearing *my* clothes. no. not just my clothes... but my favorite pair of pajama pants that yes. stupidly enough i decided nto to wear (in my stupid little head it worked out under the category of "save teh best for last) and one of my tank tops. gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i give her evil looks as she sit here shaking the mouse for several moments before realizing THE FUCKING COMPUTER ISN'T ON DAMNIT!!! and then she asks em to move the computer. MOVE THE COMPUTER. she can go suck my dick. "blah blah blah your room is always so messy. i hate having to come in here balh blah blah" shove it up your FUCKING asss!!!! i'm SORRY you don't fucking care about me any goddamned more caus eyou have a new play thing and i'm jsut old and dirty. i'm sorry you don't even care enough to say i love you on my goddamned birthday. that i didn't get anything and that EVERYONE i cared about but my parents made my day. she leaves while i curse her beneath my blankets. and then i came online. the poor boy brandon IMs me and i just GO AT IT. all of this you've just read? he had to deal with and try to calm me down. poor poor boy. he should hate me by now. so here i am. still VERY angry, bitter, and irratible but now i'm incredibly cold (stupid hole in the fucking cieling and all that damn wind outside) and horribly hungry. oh. and by the way. i've got a jillion mesquito bites and one just flew INTO the little breathy hole gaps of my computer. HAH. take that mother fucker.

Why don't my parents LOVE me?

will write more of my bday later. WAY too tired..

but while t *is* still my birthday......

one last really big....


Thank you

(while singing)

Happy birthday to me.

happy birthday to me.

happy... birthday.... to0o0o... ME!

!!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

it's a world of not working out and broken down dreams and castles in the sky being drowned out in misery. it's so hard not to get discouraged and just give it all up when the world just keeps attacking and a burden gets heavier and heavier as the days pass. and it's like every secret is just one more stone to the pile, one more knife to stab in all those soft places we wish we could protect better. Love is worse than a simple double edged sword. it's a million lies and burning eyes just tearing hearts apart. it's gasoline doused clouds set afire by a burning sun.

.:. This is my heart torn apart .:.

"Our every kiss feels like that one last goodbye kiss and i think that means you've broken me."

.:. you make me sick .:.

It gets so cold here at night. so horribly heart wrenching emotionally draining cold. Shivering under my mountain of blankets and tear soaked pillows. tossing and turning unable to escape my reality of pain. burrowing further into sheets unfeeling and a loneliness that digs even deeper. Being ripped from conscieness into a harsher dream world with rough touches and cold shoulders and tragedies witnessed. Of loves lost and broken and hearts ripped from chests still beating. of blood and anger and running though hallways so afraid. I'm runnign so fast and i'm not going anywhere.

but nothing can stop me from wishing...

of just drifting off to sleep warm and happy. nicely and perfectly just slip into cotton candy dreams and bubble gum greatness. with a million pastel colors and the sorta stuff dreams are supposed to be made of... of warm kisses and friendships that work out and i can believe in love. of sunny days and window love. or shining stars and hot hot nights. I want to float off into fantasy land clouds of the most beautiful colors and "happily ever afters." I just want all thsoe sweet dreams you never wished me.

I wrote a really long entry that took form into this sort of poem type deal... I re-read for the sake of proofreading and have deemed it too much for something as frill-grand as a blog. It's all summed up in:

Empty, sad eyes in the mirror; a frown too deep; shaking hands that reveal your anxiety; scarred arms; bruised legs; aching feet; a look so distant that you hope and pray to the god that had forsaken you years ago that this couldn't possibly be you. THis isn't you. It couldn't be. WEren't you once sunshine and innocence? weren't you happiness and a bubble that was yet to burst? goodness and a smile?

And it's entirity will be hidden and stored away for none to see or read.

*I wish i could give you the depths of my soul but i know you'll no longer love me.*

I try so hard to think of you and i can't. I can't rememeber anything.

Kevin, you're barely even a memory now. Once upon a time i wished i would never forget you. I already have. You're nothing but an emoty story, a blank name, a time that's blurred itself away.

and on the days pass...

Well what do you WANT me to do? cause i sure as hell don't fucking know. and apparently doing what *i* want to do is wrong and bad and NEVER enough so tell me. yes, TELL me. what the HELL is it that i need to do to make you fucking happy? satisfied enough to love me back?!

...I hate all of you for doing this...

it's my bday soon and i've no reason to celebrate and no one to celebrate WITH. every year my bday has been SPECIAL. i mean i've always been miserable but it's always been special. something JUST for me and this year i'm not gonna do ANYthing and no ones going to care and even if i COULD think of something i couldn't POSSIBLY get all the people i would WANT to celebrate together because their hate and secrets overpowers whatever importance i MAY have to them. and it KILLS me that the people *i* care most about can't even sit in the same goddamned room and be decent to one another. it's bad enough that my family can't even begin to get along. that the BEST they can do is sit silently across the room from each other. it's bad enough. and i mean at least i had my FRIENDS that could do taht. ya know, put aside their differences because they knew it was important to me, but i don't even have THAT anymore. Maybe it's selfish and childish of me but all the goddamned lies we're telling one another, all these secrets we're keeping. all this shit being thrown. it gets a little fucking ridiculous. and not to say my hands are clean. they're nowhere close to clean but is it REALLY so much to ask to be able to love the people i do with OUT feeling guilty for doing so?! I guess it is... cause it isn't going to happen.

Even warring countries can momentarily call peace in repect for obervance of certain religous holidays.

Good moods are hard to come by.

Perpetual unhappines. that is what i am.

wretched.

For the velveteen rabbit to beceom real he needed to be loved to a point of pain, needed to a point of death. torn apart, ripped to peices, faded, jaded, and then rejected. for him to be real he was poisoned, so tainted-dirty-bad and thrown away. his love was useless.

only then did his real life begin.

Tears hidden, the sun beating down, the waves just a few feet away. The lights. the salsa music in the bathroom as i tried so hard not to hyperventilate, your questions, your comments, the blank stare and i'm not eating again. I'm going nowhere again and running blades across my skin in the daylight of my car all alone again but this time not so hard cause i'm too afraid and not leaving a mark and not even cutting just wishing i were because there's no reason worth this pain again. back and forth, jumping over seats, don't say a word, silence is key. they can't know they affect you if you never say a thing. paranoia and illegal happenings in your basement, cheat until you've over acheived, fake it until it's real, and i'll hide until it shows through. the games we play and the day is barely even over.

he he he he

sydneys a silly little gosling.

Last night i had a dream of love and nightclubs. it was dark and i couldn't stay. His hands running all over, our bodies moving, the music so loud we could barely breathe. I had to leave. the dance was over. he was angry. "don't be such a jerk." as an apology he put his arm around me. THat's what i remember most. his arms around me...

"Cry your meaningless tears, your silent sobs, your secret leaking emotion. This emotional turmoil isn't new and it isn't known. it's a public secret. He broke your heart behind closed doors, everyone knows it. But you've got to understand one thing... He didn't want to, he had to. He couldn't love you if you weren't good enough. You don't have what it takes to make him stay, did you really expect him to? From the beginning you knew he'd leave you. When it started you knew you'd end it torn. You coudln't possibly keep yourself together. He was important to you, your first with everything, second to nothing. You were convinced he cared, that he wouldn't break you. tarnish your heart. Oh, you poor broken creature. how could you have forseen the way it would rip you apart in places you didn't even know could hurt? You couldn't have. Keep on crying, time will console your bitter memory..."

Now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
but if i should die before iwake
i pray the lord my soul to take

Sitting in the dark looking for myself

Too many secrets kept. touches unwanted, beatings taken, lives lost and wasted. too many secrets kept. too many secrets told. midnight whispers, small vocabularies, and things gone by unnoticed. The secrets within me stored. all their secrets. all their secrets. all their secrets. they've told me all thier secrets and i'll store them in my heart. let them have me. let them hurt me. let them eat me alive cause i won't ever tell. your deepest darkest secrets, don't worry, they're safe with me. don't worry, they're gaurded with me. don't worry, i'll take them, keep them. save them as reminders that bad things happen to the people I love the most, the people I need the most, the people i wish i could protect the most. BUt i can't, i never could, never will be able to. Instead i'll take these, your secrets, the dark scary things you keep locked in your minds and give you nightmares at night. I'll take them and let you say them and let them haunt me too. but never as they do to you. never the feelings that suffocate you at night, never the guilt, the shame, the pain. only the sinking feeling and the knowledge. I'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry that such things had to happen. sorry for the hits, the strips, the things that make murder. I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault and there was nothign i could have done. i couldn't have been there an di couldn't have known but i'm sorry. Sorry because it hurts you. because i love you so much it rips me apart and i wish nothing could ever hurt. that your invinciblity could last, that it was real, that it could be me and i could always come in harm's way for you. I would always ruch into harms way for you. for all those secrets, all those monters ripping away at your insides. I'd take them away if i could, take them as my own if i could, take each and every, each and every blow. if i could. Too many secrets kept and they're mine too, now. Mine to keep, to eat, to let poison me. Swallowed down and tears held back because this is not my story, not my secret. Just yours. i'm so sorry. so sorry. so sorry that i can't forget and am hurt for you everytime i look in your eyes. Hur tbecause i know the terror you keep behind them.