sitting here eating strawberry ice cream and pound cake and reading poems from a lost love. thinking of a lost love.

a real love. a real, lost love. our love. A love between friends. a love we both thought wouldn't leave us and couldn't leave us. A love we could have sworn was forever. a love ethat was more real than either of us. A love that we've both let go of but hold onto. and need but don't let ourselves have.

It's all my fault, really. all. my. fault. i've lost a best friend. i read your poems and i wonder if they're pertaining to me. i KNOW one does, the one about the cuts. but the rest could be anyone else. could be you. could be the million other girls we know with a million other scars.

I want to turn to you and show you all that's happened. play you the movies reeling in my head. i want to take the journey into my memoryand strategically place you in all the places you should have been if i hadn't pushed away. i want to cry in front of you and show you how much i miss you. how much i still love you. how much you've hurt me too.

Maybe when we're old and gray i'll have grown enough to forgive. and you'll have grown enough to accept my million and one apologies. i don't try harder cause i don't deserve a second chance. I'm sorry. I'm sorry a million times over. i'm sorry with everything i've changed without you. sorry i hurt you. sorry i left you. sorry sorry sorry.

I want to tell you all that i've gone throuhg without you. recount my every waking moment and every time i thought of you. relive every second so you could see it animate my eyes. so you could hear it break my heart. so you could feel it in my touch. so you could smell it in the air. So yo ucould see that i really need you.

You won't ever read this and i won't ever speak this. you won't know the thoughts screaming in my mind and i won't very well tell you. all of this is vice versa, you know. all of this is silly, you know. all of this is killing me, you know.

But i can't bring you down with me. I won't bring you down with me. You are far better off without me. And i'm sorry.