i'm gagging and i'm choking and

i think i want

to die.


over and over and over and over and over. this merry go round is sickening. Motion sick and tear soaked i'm ready to stop. ready to stop. ready to stop and oh dear god where have you gone?!

So sore and so tired and so scared of feeling this empty. You want me to stop but you refuse to do a damn thing. refuse to do a damn thing. so fucking sick and so fucking tired and you're unwilling to help me. Not to say i don't understand. not to say that you shouldn't do it. not to say that this isn't hard and this isnt' hell and that i'm worth it. "is it worth it can you even hear me?"

so sick. so sick. feeling so naseous and quesy and mother fucking sick. Seeing you and hearing of you and thinking of you is so depressing. i don't use that word anymore. did you know that? that since i said you hated me i haven't used "depressing." But it isn't just you. if it were just you maybe i could deal. maybe i wouldn't hurt so bad and maybe i wouldn't need to bleed.

Sick and tired and now i'm cold too. shivering on the inside again my body convulsing and no amount of blankets could help. do you remember when i used to get like this every night? when i would stay online until 3 in the morning taking solace from an online word? it was all that i had. i don't even have that anymore. i pushed that all away. i pushed that all away. i pushed that all away and i pushed you away and i've pushed it all away.

i'm feeling so so sick... oh my lovely, lovely dear...