Reasons I hate my Dad:

1. He's a workaholic
2. He's a really big jerk and he knows it.
3. the way he treats my mom. i guess that's the biggest one.
4. His porn collection another big one. can you scream DISGUSTING??!?
5. the way he treats women in general. damn bastard.
6. when he gets hyper he gets REALLY irritating.
7. he's racist
8. he smells disgusting
9. the way he drives
10. he NEVER gets off his fucking phone!

Reasons I love my Dad:
1. he was always present in my childhood
2. he used to take me to the zoo all the time and let me turn the pink elephant key and hear about all the animals we already knew about
3. He loves me and will no matter what.
4. he stills calls me by the same names he used when i was little
5. even though he can be a real big fucking jerk he's good at heart and will help people all that he can.
6. he'd do anything in his ability for me or anyone in our family to ensure their happiness
7. He's worked his whole life for everything we have and has done so honestly.
8. he used to be a bad kid.
9. he's sometimes still the same man that i grew up adoring
10. No matter what I know i can always turn to him if i need to. Will i? most likely not. but the option is always there

i'm gagging and i'm choking and

i think i want

to die.


over and over and over and over and over. this merry go round is sickening. Motion sick and tear soaked i'm ready to stop. ready to stop. ready to stop and oh dear god where have you gone?!

So sore and so tired and so scared of feeling this empty. You want me to stop but you refuse to do a damn thing. refuse to do a damn thing. so fucking sick and so fucking tired and you're unwilling to help me. Not to say i don't understand. not to say that you shouldn't do it. not to say that this isn't hard and this isnt' hell and that i'm worth it. "is it worth it can you even hear me?"

so sick. so sick. feeling so naseous and quesy and mother fucking sick. Seeing you and hearing of you and thinking of you is so depressing. i don't use that word anymore. did you know that? that since i said you hated me i haven't used "depressing." But it isn't just you. if it were just you maybe i could deal. maybe i wouldn't hurt so bad and maybe i wouldn't need to bleed.

Sick and tired and now i'm cold too. shivering on the inside again my body convulsing and no amount of blankets could help. do you remember when i used to get like this every night? when i would stay online until 3 in the morning taking solace from an online word? it was all that i had. i don't even have that anymore. i pushed that all away. i pushed that all away. i pushed that all away and i pushed you away and i've pushed it all away.

i'm feeling so so sick... oh my lovely, lovely dear...

these nights are getting worse and your voice is dissappearing. where do i go now? what do i turn to? You want me to stop but you refuse to help a damn thing.

i'm choking and i'm choking and oh dear god i think i'm choking.

I can't live my life around your TV schedule.

My computer is broken...






Goodbye





















For now.

All the smells are making me nauseous. My head hurts because the million things I smell…. My little sister’s sun block, the leather smell of my mom’s shoes, my dad’s cologne or aftershave or whatever the hell that is, the printer paper of maybe it’s the printer ink or just the printer in general. There’s coffee in the back apparently and a plant across the room. Then there’s the smell of my sneeze a moment ago and yes I CAN smell a sneeze. Yuck. I feel yucky.

A good time, golden time, sunny time, Summer time. The sun is shining and i soak it up like a long awaited drug fix. like the happiness i've yearned so long and hard for.



I wish i had a person to kiss...

Going to Santa Cruz with Family Girls this weekend. being kidnapped.

Feeling suffocated by my family and more myself again. can we all say relapse? RELAPSE.

feeling lonely again. always lonely.

Hung out with boy last night. Watched "The Seven Ages Of Bob" (even though i think plays are supposed to be underlined), ate pizza, got him coffee and home by 12 on a thursday. Mom wasn't too happy. Sydney almost got caught in lies.

Had a dream i was out with boy again. we sat close and then he kisses my cheek. he put his arm around me and we just sat there leaning into one another. I was sad to wake up. I guess i forgot how lonely i really am. Had nothing to REALLY do with the boy. just the dream caught me up... ::sigh:: i forgot i was so lonely...

took a nap in class. another boy dream. went home and slept more. yet another one. It's really hurting to have to wake up... I always wake up alone. usually cold too.

Got to school on time again today. Sad that that's actually an accomplisment when it should be dull routine.

went home early, though. told my mom i started my period. i didn't.

My Adolfo dearest passed his Drivers test. my lover has a liscence.

Tiffany came over. we made keychain, bounced a ball back and forth, and played quaters. I won.

The screams are resounding through my house. it's never quiet here and Cease-fires are rare and short-lived. My brother's nicer when he isn't drunk and i'm more relaxed when i know my sister is safe and at home.

Wanna know a secret? i'm feeling empty again. hollow again. needing to be held again.

You are the one who holds back your feelings from
others and yourself. You dont want to show
people your weak u dont want sympathy. Your
strong but maybe... you should show ur
feelings, just alittle*


The type of pain ur eyes behold
brought to you by Quizilla


I thought the picture was pretty.

sitting here eating strawberry ice cream and pound cake and reading poems from a lost love. thinking of a lost love.

a real love. a real, lost love. our love. A love between friends. a love we both thought wouldn't leave us and couldn't leave us. A love we could have sworn was forever. a love ethat was more real than either of us. A love that we've both let go of but hold onto. and need but don't let ourselves have.

It's all my fault, really. all. my. fault. i've lost a best friend. i read your poems and i wonder if they're pertaining to me. i KNOW one does, the one about the cuts. but the rest could be anyone else. could be you. could be the million other girls we know with a million other scars.

I want to turn to you and show you all that's happened. play you the movies reeling in my head. i want to take the journey into my memoryand strategically place you in all the places you should have been if i hadn't pushed away. i want to cry in front of you and show you how much i miss you. how much i still love you. how much you've hurt me too.

Maybe when we're old and gray i'll have grown enough to forgive. and you'll have grown enough to accept my million and one apologies. i don't try harder cause i don't deserve a second chance. I'm sorry. I'm sorry a million times over. i'm sorry with everything i've changed without you. sorry i hurt you. sorry i left you. sorry sorry sorry.

I want to tell you all that i've gone throuhg without you. recount my every waking moment and every time i thought of you. relive every second so you could see it animate my eyes. so you could hear it break my heart. so you could feel it in my touch. so you could smell it in the air. So yo ucould see that i really need you.

You won't ever read this and i won't ever speak this. you won't know the thoughts screaming in my mind and i won't very well tell you. all of this is vice versa, you know. all of this is silly, you know. all of this is killing me, you know.

But i can't bring you down with me. I won't bring you down with me. You are far better off without me. And i'm sorry.

signing up for SATs.dear god i love testing.

The expectation of heavy doors. the surprise and swing-hit of a light one.

Another disgusting look to add to the list of things making me hate myself. disgusting. disgusting disgusting. I. Am. Disgusting.

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/adolfoaguilar5

Pictures of me. Some good. most bad. All very me.

Courtesy of my wonderful lover Adolfo.

catch him @ http://wave.prohosting.com/adolfoa5

if i could i would dress in tulle and chiffon fairy dresses everyday. they'd be glittery and they'd sparkle. and they'd be a thousand pastel colors.

I wish i could dress like a fairy princess everyday. In glitter and pastel colors. i'd smile and sparkle. i'd be beautiful. singular. odd, at best.

I'm going to have a good day today.

I don't care what happens nor how cold it is. i will have a good day. a beautiful day. a shining day.

i'm going to have a good day today.

When I wanted to become vegetarian If there were only meat choices i would have to starve. Starve, pick out the meat, or eat some plain rice. I survived on white, plain, boring rice for several weeks. I did it before it was the "in" thing to do. I wasn't babied. No special dishes for Sydney. They made fun of me and tempted me and liked to tell me what an idiot i was. I lasted a good 5 months. that's a long time to be eating rice. I ate other things... But not much. I ACTUALLY had a reason. Stupid idiots. now they're all doing it. some sort of disgusting trend like Abercrombie and ribbons in your hair ( i also did that and stopped before it became "cool").

I keep having to remind myself to be nice. I will keep my mouth shut i will NOT say anything. i WILL be nice. dear god i suck some harcore ass.

Listeneing to you talking about your bright future and i remeber tha tboth your feet are properly functioning. that you *aren't* like me. That you didn't need a good shot on the foot to REALLY see where you stood. I guess i'm just two steps behind. i guess i'm falling shrot again. I guess i'll take the role as loser again. Again. and again. and again. I hope you the best in your life. even though i hate you now. even though we grew up and i don't love you now. You shouldn't know my business because i don't know you. I don't want to know you and you know nothing about me. Shut up and leave me alone. I hate you.

Blow job says he misses me. To believe or not to believe? And to think, that isn't even the pressing question! the question REALLY is, "Now what?!?!" grrr. Confusion massive. Dear god I suck.

Oh and by the way, traffic school can suck my ass. It kills brain cells. I'm sure of it.

Traffic school is taught by a big fat Jewish man named Al Resch. He smells bad and likes to brag about his good driving record. I mean I would *hope* he'd have a good driving record! he **is** a driving School instructor!!!!


It's held inside the bottom of Sears and its right next to the tux place. Its fun to watch the teenage boys pick up and get sized for their suits and tuxedos. Ah, the wonder of prom season. Can't help but remember mine a mere two months ago.

School. Tutor. Home to pee. Then to the beach. I went to draw the cliffs. instead i fell asleep incredibly close to the edge of one. woke up, went home, napped there.

I think i'll call "prom date" just blow job from now on. maybe just BJ. lol. i'm wretched.

my room is ALMOST done being cleaned. close. no cigar.

Talked to "prom date" last night (yes, i'll refer to him as "prom date" from now on even though prom is a month past. he isn't significant enough to hold a name... and honestly... i couldn't think up another one.) is it wrong that I still like him? I can't help it. i've always been the MAJORLY clingy type. but i'm getting over it faster and better than i got over Edmund (and yes, he does deserve a name). He referred to me as "cutie" and wished me "sweet dreams." isn't that against the "now we're JUST friends" rules?!?! for some reason it reminded me that i *do* want more. want more out of ANYbody. :sigh: someone else'll come along and be more perfect than even him.


"i've got to admit they're getting better. getting better all the time."

Bought a big stuffed fish today. It's soft. makes me happy.





I wish i had a hug and a million and one soft kisses and fluttering eyelashes and the sweetness of hands held and quivering expectations. I wish for a sort of silly puppy love that's more tender and good than anything i've ever experienced. I want sincerity and honesty. Passion and heart. I want giggles and whispers and smiles. I want Magic again.


Daisy's Birthday Party. Today's Expenses: about $120 BAH HUMBUG. damn me and my compulsive spending habits. Went ice skating. Bruise on hip, knee, and thigh. A bit swollen wrist. Damn me and my clumsiness.