Pride

To make a long story short, my weekend was possibly one of the best weekends of my life.

Like sore body, sunburned, and completely exhasuted good. oh indeed.

Monday: midnight snacks and midnight drives.

Tuesday: Les miserables

Wednesday: earth shattering sex and then nothing.

Wanna come play?

It's been a long night she says,

hair long, dark, soft,
brushing against bare legs.

Hands trailing but
lingering.

breathless in a
selfish sort of love.
conceited.

Dark eyes in the mirror
staring and wanting.

She smells sweetly,
like soap and flowers.

Back exposed,

"exposed," she moans.

I

am

exposed.

And i love every moment.

Because Nothing Matches the Quiet on the Inside

"Let's play a game" she thought to herself. Their screams were echoing in her little baby ears, the closet grew clausterphobic. Did you know that she can't breathe in small spaces? that her heart races and she's threatened by tears? even now? She hides it well, another trick of the game. Her hands are so small. It's dark inside. SHe knows, she knows the monsters may come out. That they may nip at her ankles, bite at her legs just before they jump out. She calls them goblins and knows they look like the monsters in video games. Jumping towards her, mouths open.

" A game, " she remembered. They were screaming and screaming but she learned a pretty little thing. The game really. To see how loud they could get, how quiet she could be.

Whisper, whisper, "i'll whisper" she thought.

Her voice grew quiet and she trembled to watch her world at war. To hear things she didn't understand "I let you even when i didn't want to." Her mommy said. She closed her eyes. That's still her defense. Close her eyes and nothign is so bad. Nothing is so bad, is it? There was moaning on the TV.

What time was it then? It doesn't matter, number never do to baby minds. Nothing matters to baby minds.

Quieter and quieter. The noise around her diminished

eventually.

So she'll play this game still,

She'll hide that she can't breathe in the small spaces you've put her, the small slots of life she's allowed. She'll close her eyes to shut the harsh colors out, to hope away the monsters.

She'll whisper and never say a word because she really needs some quiet.

Let This Sickness be My Company

I wonder if i should ignore it.

The small clawing within. I can feel the nails and teeth from the inside. At first it's just a movement. At first it's just a brief recollection of wake.

I feel it inside me.

It grows, i know it will, it always does. Grows angrier, angrier, at each moment a little more.

I can feel the cuts deeper and deeper, blood will spill.

I know soon it will consume me. Be everything I am. I will let it take me.

I let it have me. I 'll let it grow into me.

I'll let this misery

kill me.

from the inside.

Reconciliation

And the water is running down,
they aren't tears this time.
They're warm and sweet tasting.

And they both said

"I love you."

Let's try this, she thought.

Let's try working through,
not running away.

Let's try forgiving,
she said.

Let's try loving,
she said.

Don't be selfish,
She told herself.

Take a little more,
she wanted to tell him.

Not giving up,
not giving in,

But this could be love.
easy
hard
bitter
sweet


love.

And he said:

"There's no brighter side to this, there's not even dim. There can't be light when I have no sun. . No sun to watch fall asleep. to wake up and rise. no sun for warmth inside. There's nothing good ilet happen. there's nothing good that comes from my hands. Except when you hand was in mine."



And i knew he was sincere.

Patience

A small part of this is just waiting for everything to sortitself out.

but i don't think it will. not withthis.

this'll be harder and uglier and a thousand times more hurtful than just "letting it sort itself out"

but it has to be.

I can't just let this go on.



Why is everyone waiting on me to be happy?

Searching for a smile and working towards a laugh.


don't they know yet?

That i'll never be satisfied?

Drawing a Blank

I'm waiting like i told myself i wouldn't wait.

Isn't that what this is for?





But i'll have you know, it just wasn't the same when it wasn't you. That things aren't the same without you.

I know I love you. that i can't see so much of my future without having you there....

But right now i... How do i word this? How do i say this?

"Somewhere over the rainbow

skies are blue



And The Dreams That you Dare to Dream Really Do Come True...."

Lunch time...

without you.



I'm trying to keep a brave front. strong and happy. that's who i am.

I've yet to cry this morning, good thing.

But sitting here, over yucky chicken and rice trying to plan my weekend without you....

It stings a little.

My phone beeped.

and for a moment I thought it was you.


I'm trying not to show these peices of my heart.


to everyone else.


Here, a log of my every moment.

Consequences

I feel like throwing up

and i can't seem to sleep.

and my chest hurts

and i can't stop crying.



alone.

this is what i deserve

Drowning, She calls this.

I wonder if you're sleeping well tonight.

I wonder if you're sleeping well tonight.


I wonder if you're sleeping well tonight.

I wonder if you're sleeping well tonight.

I'm burning inside. My tears can't put this out. I can't think of what to do.

do you understand that?

do you understand that?



I'll admit... WRiting this. these 3 or 4 sentances has been hard.

squeezing water through a dam.

a few words from a closing heart.

How could you let this happen to me? to us? How can i be alone again?

how?


How could this happen and for you to say you're happy. happy. I hope you're warm in bed and not thinking of me. I hope you can be happy without me.

easily.

easily

Don't call this fate. Don't refer this back to waves. Don't tell me you're numb. Don't tell me you need my goodnight just to say

that you don't love me.

anymore.

I wish the night weren't cold. If morning didn't seem like a threat.

I hope tomorrow I won't think of you, fear and loneliness.

I'll take only as long as it takes you to realize that

you need me.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to do this. I don't know I don't know I just don't know anymore.

But I hope this makes you happy. That you're sleeping well tonight because

This has done nothing but make me hate you

more.

I forgot that tears are warm.

I forgot the way it feels

to hurt

like

this.

And she said:

I love you, even if I can't be there to tell you how beautiful you look. I love you, even if I can't see the tears or the stains. I will always love you, even if I can't hold you in my arms and kiss your hair. I love you even if yo ucan't hear me whispering it a thousand miles away.

My beloved Monstrosity

The air is vulgar and dirty, too warm, heavy.

The room is spinning as my eyes begin to fall and my lips form your name.

IN a state of dream-wake i think you might be here, calling to me, holding me, begging me to see you.

I apologize from ten feet away and i feel my wrists begin to swell.

My hands, my hands, they're not getting oxygen.

Oh My pretty Ballerina

Hair tied, tightly.

My neck exposed,
shoulders,
back,
the curve of my sex.

Arms wide and soft,
long and hard.

My body has not forgotten.

I make each position in the mirror

Trying to remember

that feeling of grace.

Eyes to the light,
heart exposed,

fingers alinged,
toes pointed,
feet arched,
legs turned.

My own sex.

shoulders down,
collarbone distinguished,
low neckline
and exposed breasts.

sweet music,
a twinkling,

a smile.

And I remember again.

breathless.

Midnight Lovers

I can't sleep for thoughts of you

wondering if you're what this happiness is based on.

Let me ensure you, it's fleeting.

Dark eyes and Dark kisses.
That's what we are.

Moans and moving hands.

What else could we be?

Quick thoughts on the color of reflections, the warm orange of a street light.

I could feel the inside of me closing off. I could feel the need diminishing.

I can tell myself a million times that i need no one.

I hear your sobs and sniffles. And I move further and further.

I feel my own tears fall and they all make their way to my lips.

I taste each one with zeal. Salt and agony. That is this taste.

In the distance, through the darkness I can make out the trees and i contemplate each moment like a writer might. WRiting out each image and moment in my head. Forgetting as quickly as i can think them up.

These Lines i dedicate to you...

To these last breaths of love.

To the pains we will endure.

To all that i want that will remain unsaid.

I walked away in tears, my fists clenched, fingernails digging into skin.

When I got inside I wipe remaining tears away, check myself in the mirror. The calm of sadness always brings to my face a certain look i've always found more beautiful than any other face i make.

I search for somethign that could draw blood, i'll be honest. I found nothing. I didn't look very long. That's not a part of me any more. Like so much of what i used to be.

Everytime i said "nothing" i truly meant it. Blank face. Blank mind. Silly trick I learned.

I'll say it again, I don't need anyone.

Look at me here, brave and strong. No tears. No sad words. No consolation or need or ache.

Nothing.

LIke the picture you made that i quickly dismissed.

Shambles.

Inspirational

WOw....

How do i say this?

How do i hide, mask or or miscolor this?

What do i do?

Theraputic? i think not.

Trouble making? indeed.

Times like this you wish you had a best friend that was a girl and you could ring up at 6 in the morning to gab to.

But i'm not that kind of girl.

. LAUGH i insist.

Lady Misery with her Hand Outstretched

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for shit to hit the fan, for push to come to shove.

I'm waiting for this to fall otu, fall through, and fall apart.

I'm waiting to fall apart.

and blame it on you.

you who doesn't care. you don't care. don't tell me that you do. don't pretend. don't give me your useless excuses.

Because i've really had enough.

Why not be a man, why not stand up and stand strong. Even if that means throwing me aside.

Tell me i'm wrong. tell me to shut up. tell me to get over it.

Because i can't stand the way you cringe. I can't stand the way you giv ein.

WEak.

Weak.

weak.

I keep giving you my misery, handing it on silver platters with sugar sweet words and i'm waiting for it to sink in. Sink in to your soul that you might lose me.

Maybe that's what you want. Maybe that's what i want.

Maybe that's what we've wanted all along.

Maybe we have a thousand different flaws and we're not meant to be.

But i'll tell you, i used to believe in magic.
in love.
in teh magic of love.

I thought if i could just find someone that loved me enough it could heal me. It could make things better.

It could change the skies.

And here i am, in midnight agony, my heart broken, my dreams broken, my hope

broken.

ANd i'm waiting

and waiting

and waiting

for you to just let me go.



Misery has waited too long for me,
And maybe it's time you gave me back.

The New Black

SO Green seems to be the new in color for blogs.

I'd follow suit but i'm much too attached to my maroon and grey, thank you very much.

So i've been sitting online for days.

DAYS

doing nothing other than researching reading and looking at online things that are associated with the people i hate. So, in less words, i've been sitting online HATING.

I'm wallowing in it. and before you get all ghetto on me, call me a hater, bite your tounge and don't be retarded.

I have reason to be hateful. Indeed, i do. Even Andrea said so. She said "these people just don't seem like good people..." (or SOMEthing to that extent). I mean, Adam thinks i'm silly. dismisses it with "well, that's ok"

whatever. he can go screw himself. I'm not gonna do it.

it's not like i've been prepetually angry at him anyways.

oh wait, i have been.

And while THAT may be my fault, it couldn't possibly be entirely. I mean, i'll call it half and half. Half his for being such a bitch Half mine for being so volatile and moody.

Either way, I can always brush HIM off with "he doesn't get it anyway."

But then, when did i ever expect him to? He's a boy. It seems too easy to just say it but it's true.


God, what an awful entry.

Nut shells

"It was not Quoyles chin she hate, but his cringing hesitancy, as though he waited for her anger, expected her to make him suffer."

- Annie Proulx The Shipping News

But Only a Half Thought

I'm glancing down at midnight to see my legs far larger than i remember them last, my stomach with an added hill or two.

I want to say i've never been on to care greatly about my weight...

And no way in hell i'd go on a diet (and don't you dare say i need to) but... It's nights like these alone with only my mess surrounding me, that i wish i could have been different

physically.

WIth Black on like Always and Your Thin Frail Bones

There are times when I wish it were all the same

But it isn't

We can doubt love and use words like "dear" and "lovely" and "honey"

You're always the one no one expects for this to be about.

You're always the one to throw me off balance.

I have this need to please you, to give to you,
To give myself to you.

And sometimes i hate you for it.

I take it back, I couldn't hate you any longer.
Not another moment.

And maybe that's what's made this difference,
The gap that doesn't cause
squeals
or
jumps

The difference
that i no longer hate you,

You no longer hate me.

Because with our hate came love, fierce love,
Passionate in all regards.

We held hands when we weren't supposed to

But meant it more than ever.

We're mild now, call it
tired
if you will.

WE're simply mild tempered
mild mannered

we've grown into
reservation.

And i wanted to tell you
That any touches
other than

his

Are uncomfortable,
forced.

But communication is easier

with hundred mile distances.

And i need you to love me still,

Selfish, i know.

But i need to have you to love.