.:. body hurts .:.

ROAR!


:giggle giggle:

When I was a kid I'd pray everynight. i'd ask god to please bless all the people i loved, liked, disliked, and hated. I didn't find it fair that just because i didn't like someone they shouldn't be blessed so i'd list them too. and then i'd realize that it was also unfair to go ublessed just because i didn't know them and i'd get so frustrated thinking of people i didn't know every night that i'd cry.

Moving too fast and i can't hit the break. spinning out of control. flying into disaster. sirens. the rush. the calls. THe Lies. Wind rushing by and whistling too loud to handle. Memories flooding. backseats, redlights, tree swings, beaches, smells still lingering, tears still falling. Can't slow down and can't breathe and i'm being hit over and over again. Scenery blurs by and i can't see a thing. details forgotten, importance lost. Just need to get somewhere. Just need out of here.

Is reconnecting with old ,and presumably lost, friends good or bad?

::sniffle::

Why did the elephant cross the road?

to fuck the chicken.

not funny? sorry. i have a tendancy to do that, not be funny and all. oh well...

Won't somebody come please save me from this hell?




*i need you now more than ever but you don't ever call*

He liked my laugh. he liked my smile. he liked the goofy way i said "yes." he liked my hugs and he liked my car. he liked my sleepy voice and the way i giggled. he liek dthis and that and hell, they all liked to kiss.


Every boy. each boy.

Could they bear to like *me?*

I have so much to tell you and i can't even begin to start. where DO i start? what is there to say? how will you take it and will you leav eme? still love me? decide to keep me at arms length again? what will you say behind my back and what will you really think? What if you knew the whole truth and nothign but the trut? what if i were brave enough to let this all out. to let this all go and maybe put in an effort. what would happen if i weren't so afraid of giving and so prone to taking? what would happen if i weren't so afraid? weren't so afraid? what could happen if i weren't so afraid?

What am i thinking right now?


::sigh::

oh. btw. when i napped i had this REALLY wierd dream that Charel sat next to me in class and i kept asking him why he was being so nice to me and that i was NOT his friend and why was he sitting next to me?! He said that "didn't i know we're secret friends too???" I was a little wierded out when i woke up. In my dream Charel looked more like "ornery boy" from that one silly comic i read....

So I didn't go to school today...

well, i did. I woke up and didn't want to go but i forced myself up and i went. I was even at school on time. :sigh:

3rd period i began to feel REALLY sick. like i couldn't breathe and i couldn't sit up and i really just wanted to die. yes, DIE. it was terrible. like i couldn't breathe and sharp pains in my stomach and like my entire chest ACHED. I could barely sit up it was so intense for a moment or two.

I went home after english missing PE, lunch detention, and Chemisty. :shrug: i wouldn't've been ablet o concentrate feeling that terrible anyways. Swerving home, stumbling into my house i tore my clothes off (i felt caught in them?) grabbed my blanket and lay down.

From 11 am - 4 pm i slept. Quite the unrestful sleep. I woke up every once and again for a moment or two to moan "i think i'm dying..." (cause if you didn't know already everything is killing me). At 4:30 or so Jenna calls me and we talk for a bit. Then i call tiffany. we talk for a bit. Then my whole family leaves to Sonny's and here i am. That was *my* day.

ughk. i feel like mass amounts of shit. won't someone just shoot me alerady??!

*I know I still miss you but i've yet to laern to say it.*

At school living this miserablelife. Feeling morbid and pessimistic, at least, more than usual.

have you ever wondered of theimpossibility of love, magic, and beauty?

There's nothing in this real world but saddness and death and slowly it seeps into our bones. Is it so wrong that i've always hoped for more?

*even in you?*

"who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? what's love but a second hand emotion?"

i used to update every day....

school and a general lack of anything to say keeps from it...

so i'm sitting here and this is all exploding inside of me and i need someone and i feel like there's no one to turn to because if i do tell anyone... they.. they won't love me anymore.

if you could ask EVERY one one question what would it be?

if you could ask ONE person ANYTHING who would it be and what would you ask them?

if you coudl ask ME one thing what would it be?

if you could ask yourself one thing what would it be?

Happy Times:
out with friends
in the arms of boy
sunlight through windows
bonding with my cousin
nights with my sister
midnight conversations
the question game
warm nights and warmer days
when the sun doesn't begin to set until 8
reconnecting with an old friend
secrets shared
hugs
kisses
eyes closed moments
whispering
flowers given


Bad times:
thursdays
waking up late
goodbyes
reading too much
thinking too much
feeling trapped in a too real world
having to learn through mistakes
abandonments
childhood memories
sad realizations
a homeless man's eyes dulled and grey
wrong choices too late seen
drifting
held back by fear
keeping secrets
physical sickness
loneliness
distance

I feel all dirty messy greasey even though today i showered extra long to try and wash it all away. I leaned against the wet cold warm hard walls of the shower forcing myself to breathe normal happy breaths and force the gnarl nappy angry demons out of me. No matter how much the streaming bathroom water scalded or how long i stayed in the steamy foggy dim yellow shower all of the screaming and sighing inside me wouldn't stop. my throat clogged with hot water filth and the smell of so many soaps cauing me to gag and choke. My hair knots itself into mean ugly monster tanngles and my skin itches with a thousand little invisible bug bug bites and this room seems too large to house such a tiny lonely creature like me. Summer smells of dirt, heat, and far away giggles drift in through my window with sounds of cut grass, dogs barking, and a bird of prey circling the sky. The phone is ringing it's polyphonic tune-y ring that sends glitter and swing into the air. I don't know who it is and it lies across the room from me. there is no use in answering. i'll only act awful and say awful things and regret it later...

I'm going to hide underneath my bed as i've been doing a majority of the day until night falls. The waning moon can be my angel.

Once someone told me that when i smiled my eyes did too. THat they lit up and i became so bright i was beautiful. It was a long time ago when i was younger and i spent years hiding behind my smiling eyes, my shining eyes. Hiding all the sadness and fear and hurt and anger. Hiding everything. They hid so much that they dulled. My eyes hold no brightness. No happiness. No light and smiles. Just a frightened little girl with a pout playing along her lips.

Won't you see that i'm not worth any time or effort? that i'm nothing special so you've no reason to love me?

*nothing is real anymore*

So.... You've got one wish...

what'll it be?

Last night i had a dream.

I found my secret agent lover man and he kissed me hard and i LOVED it. He kissed passionately and sweetly and roughly and softly and everything i've been waiting for. All in a kiss. HIs hands avoided and held and pulled and pushed and grabbed and it was uncontrollable.

it was passion. pure passion-lust. such great amounts of it. :sigh:

I fucking hate you so much because i refuse not to care. because i'm the one that's still sticking up for you behind your goddamned back and you can't even take teh time to notice that i DO care. i hate you because you refuse to let ANYTHING good in. because everything is the worst thing on earth and you're a cynical bitch. because i've loved you for as long as i've known you and you've always pushed me away. Because everything with you is black and white and always your fault. I hate that you can't EVER see. open you're fucking eyes. take it all in. You think i don't know you're throwing your life away?


... i'll be surprised if you live ...

Good night. In night. Tiffany wanted to hang out with me but i wanted to stay in. i've got open house. so i invite her and andrea over. As they get here i'm talking to adolfo on the phone. Tiffany takes over. convinces him to come over. the girls and i start the movie. about half an hour later ADolfo comes. HE BRINGS GIFTS!! soda, tea, and PIIZZAA!!!!! we finish the mvoie chatting all throughout and whatnot.... and then...

THE LIGHTS GO OUT! (i mean we turn them off. not in a no electricity sorta way)

the musics on... hehehe. i'll leave it at that. the fun all secret like ;)

Female Celebrities that i've crushed on:

1. Britney Spears
2. Jessica ALba
3. jennifer love hewitt
4. The Guess Model
6. Lacey Chabert
7. That one chick.. what's her name? marla sokoloff? OH DEAR GOD YES.

Armor for sleep t'night. homework, room cleaning, resting saturday. rio vista sunday (hopefully i'll get home early. more resting.) ::sigh:: long long weekend 'head me

Several weeks ago i found out that my older sister is moving out in January. Moving out and away. Far times away. A far so far it's undrivable. She's made the desicsion to move to Hawaii for college.

it's only just beginning to sink in. on my way home today i almost began to cry.

Reasons i'll miss my sister:

1. she's been my idol since i was 4.
2. she's my SISTER
3. there'll be no one to say goodnight to me
4. I'll be home alone every weekend.
5. I'll have no one to wait up for.
6. each night i won't be assured she's safe at home
7. when i have no money i'll REALLY have no money
8. how will i know what's on TV without her?
9. she won't be ther to help with college applications
10. no one at home will hug me or rub my back for comfort
11. where will i get my lifetime advice/lesson of the day?
12. I may go wild without her
13. the house will be empty.
14. no one will use my car when i'm gone
15. there'll be no one to get ready with.
16. no one to go to family parties with
17. i won't get 7:00 reminders to wake up
18. she's the best person i've EVER known
19. she's the only family member i've ever felt CLOSE to
20. who'll keep me in check?
21. her room will be empty
22. her car won't be used


::SIGH:: that's not even the beginning of it all. i don't want her to stay. i'm not asking her to stay. she deserve to finally go out and live her own life without her family holding her down. for me to want her to not go would be selfish. i suport her whole heartedly and hope she has the time of her life, tha she finds all that she's looking for. i WANT her to go. be her own person. make herself happy. not have so many family responcibilities. i want her to be young and free and do anything and everythign she wants. i can't tell her cause she NEEDS to go for herself but... i'm REALLY going to miss her. In more ways than i can begin to explain. We have a relationship that i have NEVER seen anywhere else. it's fucking gold. and i'm so scared i'm going to lose that. lose her. i'm scared of growing up without her. i'm scared of how alone and stranded i'll be without her. she's been my lifeline for so long. my backup. someone that's been there for EVERY emergency. when the friends were gone and when rejected by boys. when it got late at night and i couldn't breathe and when i was 15 and doing so many bad things. she's EVERYthing that i could always turn to... and she's leaving. she's leaving me. i have no clue what i'm going to do without her. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT HER?!?! i'm crying for the first time in months and she can never ever know. she can't know how much i need her and how much i'll be lost without her. All i'm allowing myself to tell her is how much i really do love her. because really now, i do love her. i love her more than i could ever love anyone. I know i'll still see her during vacations, holidays.. heh, maybe one day i'll run away, take a plane to hawaii. but it's just the drifting that really scares me. phone conversations aren't enough. emails could NEVER deliver. i'll send her letters and postcards and picture but... it just won't be the same. And every moment i'm with her or not with her the only thing i can think of is "i've gott till january." 5 months. the sister that i have depended on and worked for an dlistened to and modeled myself after is leaving in 5 months. the sister that babysat me for HOURS, that brushed my hair, that convinced me i could do ANY thing, that was more of a mom to me than my actual mom is leaving in 5 months. I don't want life to go on without her....

I've got a bruise that's 4 inches long and 3 inches wide. it's varying shades of purple, blue, and red. the middle has yet to turn colors. it's firm ISH to the touch. REALLY gross.. and at the same time.. incredibly fascinating. it vaugely looks like an ice cream cone and i've named it Bernard (the fifth, mind you.) it's located on the back of my left calf....

I smell of paper, bathroom, and chlorine. i'm in dire need of a shower.. instead... i'm going to go to sleep. it's my parents 26th ani. t'day. horrah for them and their rocky relationship. three cheers for all the arguments they've gotten in, the mutiple times we've moved out, the doors they've slammed, and the flowers bought. to the unchanged changes and the pent up anger. to all the disrespect and offending comments. to insecurities, jealousies, and hurtful words....

i sleep to escape thoughts of you and hopes of your burning touch.

I wanted so badly to find what was lost, to hold what has slipped away.. I wanted to love you so much that i forgot all the reasons why i shouldn't. i wanted so much. i want so much. so much that can't be had. that just can't be. Force cannot make sincerity and your lack of responce cannot stop this heart from beating. I feel nothing. I want consumption and rapture once more. I want every smile given and every kiss taken. I want those breathes you stole away and the security you ripped from me. I want somethign substantial and somethign new. i want the games to stop and... and... and...

I just want the hurt to stop.

Sexual frustration reigns. Nothing more to write about.

I feel so lost and afraid and at the edge of every tear. Like i'm fallng apart with no where to fall. Sinking back into old memories i miss what we all called "good times" and "fun times" and maybe really meant it.

I miss security and comfort.

Leaving DIsneyLand is like beign forced to abandon your recently lost childhood.