Reconciliation

I'm a woman of secrets and begging. I've thrown it all away. thrown it all away. "for you" she says.

There's a certain sort of secret that I shouldn't have ever committed.

And he can't forgive and she can't give up. He can't forgive and she can't give up.

And her feet pound into the cement, in the middle of roads in the middle of nights. She goes through the streets back and forth, waeving. Leaving a trail of screams behind her. She runs until her body is red and swollen. She disregards it. She's running and running. and by roadside her legs throw a thousand spindly shadows. She can't breathe and she runs harder.

A punishment she'll suffer for days.

And her body can't take the pain. and she vomits. and vomits. thinks "i don't want this in me anymore" but she's taken nothing in. She's dry now. dry now.

She's waiting on him. Can't give up. Begs for days. cries into phones.

there are things she won't tell you because she's ashamed.

Regression

I'm reading through all these old notes and looking at old pictures...

I smile and I laugh and I marvel at myself. my old self. At you. at the old you. The old us.

And i think of yesterday and how badly i wanted to kiss you.

And i just don't get how two people who love each other so much aren't together.

And it hurts and it hurts. But I still love him. I believe in us.

and it hurts and it hurts him. and he still loves me. But apparently he believes in nothing.

I don't want to have to remember anymore. I don't want to remember anything about us anymore. I don't want to think about the gifts. or the days. i don't want to think about the vacations and trips. the souvenirs and the letters. I don't want to think about the songs. or the nights. I don't want to think about the sex. or your body. I don't want your lips. I don't want your hands. I don't to have to think about you each and every breath I take.

And most of all I don't want to think about everything we said the other night. I don't want to think of the way your body shakes when you sob. I don't want to remember shunning you. or being afraid. I don't want to remember that fear. I don't want to think of how sincere i was in ever moment. or how hard i've tried. I don't want it. I don't want any of it.

But I don't have a choice. Because i do. I do to all of it.

And i want. just so badly. so. so. so. badly. More than my pain.

But for your pain to stop.

I just wanted quiet. i wanted the voices to stop. the thoughts to stop. i wanted to lay on my back and not move a muscle. i wanted to never speak. i wanted to never eat. i just wanted peace. quiet. any little bit of quiet. silence. i need a small peice of silence. please help me god. please let someone see this.

Please allow me to be strong enough. I am on my knees. I will whisper a thousand prayers. count a thousand beads. please cleanse me of this guilt. please wash me of this life. please give me my quiet.

I wanted to feel the sand in my hair. i wanted to hear the waves crash. i wanted to remember to breathe underwater. I wanted the water to surround me. It's all i think about. the sand. the salt. the way my bones feel weak. the way i used to be.

I am a mermaid. i once had no legs. i once swam. i was once strong. and i have spent a million hours on sun soaked rocks threading pearls into my hair. weaving seaweed through my song. Once the world was infinite. because seas stretch forever.

and i want to swim as long as i can. until my body collapses. i want to feel spent. i want to feel close to something again. i want everything to wash away. wash away. wash away.

I need to wash away.

We Fail and Drown

In a world as fragile as ours there is no sense of time.

We have no history. we have no culture. We have no stories to tell or lessons to learn.

There is only you and i. With our hands chapped and covered with salt. With our lips burnt and aching for water. Only us trying to forge a light. to force a life.

She jerks herself off until she cries in frustration. cries in grief. This is a friction of another kind. They no longer have a fire.

We are primitive beasts hunting our prey. We have no breasts and we pull our bow strings hard. There is dirt in our hair because that's the way it was meant to be. There is roughness to our hands. because that's the way we were meant to be. And we listen to the heartbeat of the world and we never go off track. We hunt like humanity and feel the blood along arms. there's blood on us everywhere. We are guilty of the murder. We are guilty of the stain. Their eyes fear us. even in the dark.

We are creatures to dip and curl in effortless grace. in courtship dances. in a ritual for mates. twisting hand, twisting necks. It's painful and it reaches into her soul. This is birth. This is death. This is the moment we all remember to forget.

And from the darkness we come screaming. in the darkness we cum screaming. And it's dry and painful and we pull away with tenderness in regards to only our pain. No sympathy for the other. the attacker. the protector. the love and fighter. the hunter and prey. the ones without the title being so lost in life and never feeling right. never feeling right.

Our scars are signs of obscenities and it's too far in. too far gone. we'll never make this just again. We will never be justified again.

We have lost all sense of time. In each other at a point. in our misery at another.

And now we must come up for air. to see the world. and as we fail we drown. as we fail we drown.

Twisted hands and the wind is just the perfect kind of cool.

I want him to hold me tighter. To look me in the eyes. I want him to say "i love you" as the song it crests. And i want to look back just as deeply and know that I mean it when I say "I lust you too"

and I want his hand on mine. And our feet will move the same. our hips will rock the same. And i want us to wander. wander. wander.