Sunday, May 29, 2005
Saturday, May 28, 2005
I Can be Stronger on The Inside
Sitting at the verge of tears for fear or concern or maybe general loneliness. My throat sore, raw, and scratchy with acid. sympathetic to her retching. "twin connection" i think, slightly amused. My back is tired and my legs more so. Work tomorrow and the day after and the day after. Endless games.
She stumble-bumbled in half awake and half sick her breath so thick with alcohol i began to gag. Her stories were large but not bigger than truth and a small part of me missed freedom. I thought of the tears i laughed hours previous and wonder why we stayed home all night. There's a welt on her forehead and the thought scares me more than i'm angry. She limps and staggers and not only because she's intoxicated. It's here i see her misery the loneliness she can't bear, the strength it hurts to hold.
My dog lays silent and patient, being good for once, just watching and waiting, i pat her head each time i walk by. "Everythign ok?" her eyes ask me or maybe that's just the look she was born with. Maybe this is the role i've been meant to play.
I rub her back as she vomits over and over until there's nothign left and i see little bits of red. I want to cry at the thought. but who cries over drunk sisters? that's ridiculous. Her hair is a mess and the water tastes like lead, i wonder if it will sink into her stomach to mix with the booze.
Adam has his art and me when he grows tired of it. But i guess it's my own fault to have such late night heartache. It's better for me to deal alone, in the quiet night and gallop of my typing.
She apologizes over and over, but not like i did the night it hurt too much to love and i thought that i could find company and you in the bottom of that bottle. She insists that i shouldn't watch and when her head hits the wall again i wince and try to pick her up.
I guess it's now i wished i took a PE when my arms are too weak and my own body too frail. I want to whisper that i can be stronger on the inside, that i'll always be here to pick her up, to carry her off, to tuck her in, and walk away silently.
Her shirt grows wet with thrown water and damp towels and instead of taking it off she leaves it. I know it grows cold at night, i'm the only one awake then, and change her myself. She's sick and poisoned and i know she needs something, something i can't provide and all i can do is glance at my reflection in the mirror and wonder when i became this, when i grew to accept complacency.
I want to whisper my words to her, their meanings, hoping they'll keep her warm at night and shield her from harshness come dawn. Instead i open the blanket and fold it beneath her. Instead i shut the blinds and hope there's quiet. Instead i find a bag, double it, get the towel, fold it.
Instead I walk away slowly in the fashion i always walk away.
She stumble-bumbled in half awake and half sick her breath so thick with alcohol i began to gag. Her stories were large but not bigger than truth and a small part of me missed freedom. I thought of the tears i laughed hours previous and wonder why we stayed home all night. There's a welt on her forehead and the thought scares me more than i'm angry. She limps and staggers and not only because she's intoxicated. It's here i see her misery the loneliness she can't bear, the strength it hurts to hold.
My dog lays silent and patient, being good for once, just watching and waiting, i pat her head each time i walk by. "Everythign ok?" her eyes ask me or maybe that's just the look she was born with. Maybe this is the role i've been meant to play.
I rub her back as she vomits over and over until there's nothign left and i see little bits of red. I want to cry at the thought. but who cries over drunk sisters? that's ridiculous. Her hair is a mess and the water tastes like lead, i wonder if it will sink into her stomach to mix with the booze.
Adam has his art and me when he grows tired of it. But i guess it's my own fault to have such late night heartache. It's better for me to deal alone, in the quiet night and gallop of my typing.
She apologizes over and over, but not like i did the night it hurt too much to love and i thought that i could find company and you in the bottom of that bottle. She insists that i shouldn't watch and when her head hits the wall again i wince and try to pick her up.
I guess it's now i wished i took a PE when my arms are too weak and my own body too frail. I want to whisper that i can be stronger on the inside, that i'll always be here to pick her up, to carry her off, to tuck her in, and walk away silently.
Her shirt grows wet with thrown water and damp towels and instead of taking it off she leaves it. I know it grows cold at night, i'm the only one awake then, and change her myself. She's sick and poisoned and i know she needs something, something i can't provide and all i can do is glance at my reflection in the mirror and wonder when i became this, when i grew to accept complacency.
I want to whisper my words to her, their meanings, hoping they'll keep her warm at night and shield her from harshness come dawn. Instead i open the blanket and fold it beneath her. Instead i shut the blinds and hope there's quiet. Instead i find a bag, double it, get the towel, fold it.
Instead I walk away slowly in the fashion i always walk away.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Worse than Teenage Poetry
I watched
as the lights turned red then green and red again
as the cars and people rushed by
with busy motion and busy minds.
I listened to the evening sounds and
let the warm air make me feel like
i'm falling in love again.
I contemplated the sweetly lit trees,
comparing them to sweet summer kisses.
It reminds me of the words "pink midnight"
as i see your smile between glass doors.
This is no pink midnight,
no warm summer love.
This is you.
and i.
love.
Through rain
shine
winters
summers
and all the seasons in between,
the moments in between.
This is us, love,
remembering
how to be happy.
as the lights turned red then green and red again
as the cars and people rushed by
with busy motion and busy minds.
I listened to the evening sounds and
let the warm air make me feel like
i'm falling in love again.
I contemplated the sweetly lit trees,
comparing them to sweet summer kisses.
It reminds me of the words "pink midnight"
as i see your smile between glass doors.
This is no pink midnight,
no warm summer love.
This is you.
and i.
love.
Through rain
shine
winters
summers
and all the seasons in between,
the moments in between.
This is us, love,
remembering
how to be happy.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Badly Written Poetry
I.
A thousand new colors and i've read my story aloud.
All i wanted was to whisper to you in the darkness.
Aren't i worth fighting for?
Worth screaming over?
Aren't I worth it?
And before you answer and break my heart,
can i tell you something?
I've tried so hard for you,
to be beautiful and strong
and smart
and artistic.
And all of these without being
hopeful
afraid
While being wistful.
I wish i could give you my thousand words
could paint you my million pictures
could tell you the stories and poems
and i wish you would
understand.
I wish you knew their worth,
my worth.
II.
Hair pinned back,
flowing, straight, soft in a thousand places.
Dark reminiscent of words like ebony, marble, coal
Held back with a rose, white and delicate.
I would give the world for delicate.
Dressed in black with half my face covered and dirt beneah my fingernails.
I felt beautiful again,
but only in my misery,
And you weren't even there to see.
III.
Silly monsters with new pencils
half sheets of paper
invisible bugs to leave scars
empty phonelines to stop tears
dirty brushes and
red ribbons
and dusty discs untouched for years
and a box i made for you, just you,
and a touch too far away,
and the voice, that voice of raspy deep agony.
A thousand new colors and i've read my story aloud.
All i wanted was to whisper to you in the darkness.
Aren't i worth fighting for?
Worth screaming over?
Aren't I worth it?
And before you answer and break my heart,
can i tell you something?
I've tried so hard for you,
to be beautiful and strong
and smart
and artistic.
And all of these without being
hopeful
afraid
While being wistful.
I wish i could give you my thousand words
could paint you my million pictures
could tell you the stories and poems
and i wish you would
understand.
I wish you knew their worth,
my worth.
II.
Hair pinned back,
flowing, straight, soft in a thousand places.
Dark reminiscent of words like ebony, marble, coal
Held back with a rose, white and delicate.
I would give the world for delicate.
Dressed in black with half my face covered and dirt beneah my fingernails.
I felt beautiful again,
but only in my misery,
And you weren't even there to see.
III.
Silly monsters with new pencils
half sheets of paper
invisible bugs to leave scars
empty phonelines to stop tears
dirty brushes and
red ribbons
and dusty discs untouched for years
and a box i made for you, just you,
and a touch too far away,
and the voice, that voice of raspy deep agony.
Friday, May 20, 2005
You don't want to read this but: I Do.
We're laying in bed in a sort of postsex coma and i'm thinking about marriage.
marriage
too young. too fresh. live alone first. not ready. don't push. don't push. don't push.
I'm ready. i'm ready and i'm waiting. Of course i realize i'm being absolutely ridiculous. Of course i know i'd go stir crazy after a little while. Of course i know he's not ready.
But I see it all with him. The whole old happy couple. I can be that with him. I wouldn't be so wild, i'd talk a little quieter, i'd stop smiling so broad at boys with no names. I could love him and only him because i've only ever loved him and only him.
But those stupid rings in the jewlery store window make me cry and make me jealous. past, present, future. Sometimes i'm afraid we won't have a future together.
Remember in high school and i used to drive everyone nuts promising i'd die at 25? in my mind that was always there, i've never wanted to grow old. i've always been a child who hasn't wanted to face the world. Run away, hope to die early, never a problem. But with him, in his arms, i can only hope to live as long as he lives. I want children. I want little baby girls and i want to name them and dress them and watch them grow up. I want to do it all withhim. I want to have a house, one of our own, i want to put our kids through school and nurture them. I want to pass our love down, pass it to them. I want to argue about money and whose family we're visiting christmas eve. I want to come home to you, to struggle with you, to have and love every aspect of life, good and bad, with you. With him.
"And i thought, if this is life, i can stick around a little longer"
He's my promise of happiness. He's my tomorrow. He isn't my world but he's a very big part of it. Now i've known true love and passion andthe difference between the two.
I don't know how to be alone anymore, and i wouldn't trade this feeling for the world.
marriage
too young. too fresh. live alone first. not ready. don't push. don't push. don't push.
I'm ready. i'm ready and i'm waiting. Of course i realize i'm being absolutely ridiculous. Of course i know i'd go stir crazy after a little while. Of course i know he's not ready.
But I see it all with him. The whole old happy couple. I can be that with him. I wouldn't be so wild, i'd talk a little quieter, i'd stop smiling so broad at boys with no names. I could love him and only him because i've only ever loved him and only him.
But those stupid rings in the jewlery store window make me cry and make me jealous. past, present, future. Sometimes i'm afraid we won't have a future together.
Remember in high school and i used to drive everyone nuts promising i'd die at 25? in my mind that was always there, i've never wanted to grow old. i've always been a child who hasn't wanted to face the world. Run away, hope to die early, never a problem. But with him, in his arms, i can only hope to live as long as he lives. I want children. I want little baby girls and i want to name them and dress them and watch them grow up. I want to do it all withhim. I want to have a house, one of our own, i want to put our kids through school and nurture them. I want to pass our love down, pass it to them. I want to argue about money and whose family we're visiting christmas eve. I want to come home to you, to struggle with you, to have and love every aspect of life, good and bad, with you. With him.
"And i thought, if this is life, i can stick around a little longer"
He's my promise of happiness. He's my tomorrow. He isn't my world but he's a very big part of it. Now i've known true love and passion andthe difference between the two.
I don't know how to be alone anymore, and i wouldn't trade this feeling for the world.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
I'm Nothing but a Bad Mood
:sigh:
Does it affect me? of course it does.
But i don't really care. Like she ever mattered. And hell, i hate her too. that and i talked shit first. So she can hate me and talk shit abou tme all she likes, she deserves it.
Now if it were, say, a best friend, i wouldn't let it go...
People come and go, i need no one.
Speaking of no one...
I wish i didn't hate you.
Does it affect me? of course it does.
But i don't really care. Like she ever mattered. And hell, i hate her too. that and i talked shit first. So she can hate me and talk shit abou tme all she likes, she deserves it.
Now if it were, say, a best friend, i wouldn't let it go...
People come and go, i need no one.
Speaking of no one...
I wish i didn't hate you.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
I Know I Could be a Quiet Hero
I'm depressed again.
Just the word sinks to the bottom of my stomach, heavy and thick. A black tar dripping it's way down. Charcoal, gritty and sweet. Sinking deeper and deeper in causing twists and turns and all my muscles are tensed in anticipation.
There's a handful of things that could be the cause of this. the reason to be sad. It could be that i don't get enough sleep. I don't eat healthy. I don't love adam the same. School lacks. Work sucks. The sky is grey again.
It could be all of the above.
I barely know how to handle this, can't even put it into words the way i want. I just sit and think and think and let it seep into my body, running through my blood, affecting each part of me.
My bones and muscles ache. I can't sleep at night because the thoughts don't quiet and I sleep all day to avoid things i barely remember.
My whole self is tired. feels so tired.
And you're never there when i need you most.
Just the word sinks to the bottom of my stomach, heavy and thick. A black tar dripping it's way down. Charcoal, gritty and sweet. Sinking deeper and deeper in causing twists and turns and all my muscles are tensed in anticipation.
There's a handful of things that could be the cause of this. the reason to be sad. It could be that i don't get enough sleep. I don't eat healthy. I don't love adam the same. School lacks. Work sucks. The sky is grey again.
It could be all of the above.
I barely know how to handle this, can't even put it into words the way i want. I just sit and think and think and let it seep into my body, running through my blood, affecting each part of me.
My bones and muscles ache. I can't sleep at night because the thoughts don't quiet and I sleep all day to avoid things i barely remember.
My whole self is tired. feels so tired.
And you're never there when i need you most.
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Hair Curlers and Double Sided Tape
I love you.
Nomatter how much it hurts, no matter how angry i get. No matter anything. No matter how i wish i didn't.
i love you.
Nomatter how much it hurts, no matter how angry i get. No matter anything. No matter how i wish i didn't.
i love you.
Because it Hurts to Say Sorry
The lights in a row along the horizon and inside we're both cursing the same Her. The waves aren't loud tonight, the ocean mild. Car lights flash inside as we try not to make eye contact.
I know you're sorry and i know you love me and i know none of this matters but...
I'm trying to remember nothing but purple trees and sitting in what they called Hell with my head against your shoulder and maybe i was...
It's your birthday soon.
I see the tears roll down you face and you shake, with anger, with fear, with agony. Shhh i whisper along with the black and white waves.
car lights and shhhhh i whisper along with the black and white waves.
Shhh i whisper with the black and white waves.
Shhh everything will be alright. And i whisper and whisper makign a thousand promises and giving you a thousand words to sleep tight with tonight. wrapped around you like blankets and kisses and stories of forever. To hold you in the dark and wipe your tears away even when i can't. I can't anymore.
I know you're sorry and i know you love me and i know none of this matters but...
I'm trying to remember nothing but purple trees and sitting in what they called Hell with my head against your shoulder and maybe i was...
It's your birthday soon.
I see the tears roll down you face and you shake, with anger, with fear, with agony. Shhh i whisper along with the black and white waves.
car lights and shhhhh i whisper along with the black and white waves.
Shhh i whisper with the black and white waves.
Shhh everything will be alright. And i whisper and whisper makign a thousand promises and giving you a thousand words to sleep tight with tonight. wrapped around you like blankets and kisses and stories of forever. To hold you in the dark and wipe your tears away even when i can't. I can't anymore.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
It's Funny The Routines In Which we Fall
To counter my last post which was dripping awfulness i'll write cute little love letters to all my bests.
Laura,
I was thinking of the other day when i said i'd love you more than any boy. and you said you knew and it scared you cause i'd always love a boy more than you. I wasn't sure what you meant, but it's been stuck in my head. Did you mean to imply i only slightly love you? that's not the case. There are different kinds of love. Mine for you is unchanging. It's harder, stronger, quieter. And any boy, he'll have a different part of me, but never the one that's yours. Boy love is lighter, sweeter tasting, loud and pliable. And don't be sad in Portland for whatever reason you're sad. I don't have a very good reason as to why you shouldn't be sad, or a way to make you happy... i just know you shouldn't be sad.
Andrea,
Well, i'll be honest, sometimes i get frustrated with you. and rather than swim in your hair i wouldn't mind giving it a tug or two. But, that's why i love you. because you're not some retarded pussy girl that gets all butt hurt over anything and causes SO much drama for no apparent reason. (I guess not like me?). But, when i get frustrated and mad at you, i can tell you. and you say "i'm sorry" and you try not to do it anymore. or at least, i think you do. and when you tell me something *i've* done i try and work on it too. That and we don't have to talk ALL the time or see each other EVERY day to have us still knwo that we're friends. good friends. It makes me feel as if we're grown ups. (ok, notreally just pretend). But if i need good times i can depend on you to have them with me. and if i'm going through not so good times i can depend on you to at least listen to me endlessly whine and if you can help, i know you'd try. And i hope you can depend on me for the same. oh, and i love you.
Adolfo,
listen, i know you're dating adam. And i'll admit, first i was really hurt. i didn't get out of bed for weeks. but i'm over it. and i don't hate you. I'm glad you two can be happy together. And at least you can refer to him in his real name now. not "winston" just "adam."
just kdiding.
But adolfo, you're like the love of my life. You have every single great guy quality i could have ever imagined. Hm, i don't know how to describe how i love you without making it seem like i want you to go straight an dhave my babies (but the offer is up if you are). Let's see... You're like my prince charming without the skeevey straight guy parts that wanna put it in me. You're the first boy that ever treated me well and so i think i partially fell in love with you (in a friend way). And I'll always love you for that, for being the first male to make me feel worthwhile. That and you're hott.
ANd that's all...
well, i GUESS adam counts as a best friend. but i'm with him all the time, he needs no cheesy love letter in my blog.
If you think i'm retarded by now, i'm sorry. but, i'm really bored and sorta PMSy therefore slightly emotional. it means i crap out things like this.
SO i'll stop now
Laura,
I was thinking of the other day when i said i'd love you more than any boy. and you said you knew and it scared you cause i'd always love a boy more than you. I wasn't sure what you meant, but it's been stuck in my head. Did you mean to imply i only slightly love you? that's not the case. There are different kinds of love. Mine for you is unchanging. It's harder, stronger, quieter. And any boy, he'll have a different part of me, but never the one that's yours. Boy love is lighter, sweeter tasting, loud and pliable. And don't be sad in Portland for whatever reason you're sad. I don't have a very good reason as to why you shouldn't be sad, or a way to make you happy... i just know you shouldn't be sad.
Andrea,
Well, i'll be honest, sometimes i get frustrated with you. and rather than swim in your hair i wouldn't mind giving it a tug or two. But, that's why i love you. because you're not some retarded pussy girl that gets all butt hurt over anything and causes SO much drama for no apparent reason. (I guess not like me?). But, when i get frustrated and mad at you, i can tell you. and you say "i'm sorry" and you try not to do it anymore. or at least, i think you do. and when you tell me something *i've* done i try and work on it too. That and we don't have to talk ALL the time or see each other EVERY day to have us still knwo that we're friends. good friends. It makes me feel as if we're grown ups. (ok, notreally just pretend). But if i need good times i can depend on you to have them with me. and if i'm going through not so good times i can depend on you to at least listen to me endlessly whine and if you can help, i know you'd try. And i hope you can depend on me for the same. oh, and i love you.
Adolfo,
listen, i know you're dating adam. And i'll admit, first i was really hurt. i didn't get out of bed for weeks. but i'm over it. and i don't hate you. I'm glad you two can be happy together. And at least you can refer to him in his real name now. not "winston" just "adam."
just kdiding.
But adolfo, you're like the love of my life. You have every single great guy quality i could have ever imagined. Hm, i don't know how to describe how i love you without making it seem like i want you to go straight an dhave my babies (but the offer is up if you are). Let's see... You're like my prince charming without the skeevey straight guy parts that wanna put it in me. You're the first boy that ever treated me well and so i think i partially fell in love with you (in a friend way). And I'll always love you for that, for being the first male to make me feel worthwhile. That and you're hott.
ANd that's all...
well, i GUESS adam counts as a best friend. but i'm with him all the time, he needs no cheesy love letter in my blog.
If you think i'm retarded by now, i'm sorry. but, i'm really bored and sorta PMSy therefore slightly emotional. it means i crap out things like this.
SO i'll stop now
On Being A Bitch
There are certain people, I know who you are, who see me as great. It's quite nice really, to have those aforementioned people say nice things like "no, you're way better than her. " and "you're SO not fat" and "If anyone ever deserved happiness, it's you."
Not that i believe them, but it feels nice to hear. I say thank you. What am else am i supposed to say? "yes, please, go on..." nope. And i can't very well argue with them, saying no, it has the same affect and looks like i'm fishing for compliments. I'm not.
Thank you suffices.
But then there are the other people, well, they're the majority and i don't like them very much.
CASE A
So there's this girl i know. (name unmentioned cause i know she might read this) and i can only think of one word to describe her, retarded. Wait, i take it back, there're a lot of words i can use to describe her such as Bitch, Princess, Reject, Idiot... the list goes on as i'm sure you can tell. I don't like her. But i'm a total bitch and i pretend i do. and the second she's gone so is the small part of me that's good. If every negative word i said about her i would have to give up a penny... I'd be thousands of dollars in debt and i STILL wouldn't stop.
I like to say it isn't my fault, it's hers. But that's a lie. I just don't like her. I'm fake and awful and a very large part of me wants to tell her to fuck off, go away, and PLEASE never burden me with your presence EVER. But i keep shut. only for the sake of not causing drama.
Talking shit is so much more pleasant than arguing. Isn't it?
CASE B
well, ok, there really is no case b. when i hate people i hate them SO much, usually there's only room for one at a time.
The End
PS I know there's a handful of people that read this... Laura, andrea, robbie, moises, adolfo occasionaly... if any of this ever offends you, I'm not sorry. I mean, i doubt it would, but i write here mostly for myself. If you're feelings are hurt, it's not my fault for saying it, it's yours for reading it.
PPS hahahahahahaha. i'm such a bitch.
Not that i believe them, but it feels nice to hear. I say thank you. What am else am i supposed to say? "yes, please, go on..." nope. And i can't very well argue with them, saying no, it has the same affect and looks like i'm fishing for compliments. I'm not.
Thank you suffices.
But then there are the other people, well, they're the majority and i don't like them very much.
CASE A
So there's this girl i know. (name unmentioned cause i know she might read this) and i can only think of one word to describe her, retarded. Wait, i take it back, there're a lot of words i can use to describe her such as Bitch, Princess, Reject, Idiot... the list goes on as i'm sure you can tell. I don't like her. But i'm a total bitch and i pretend i do. and the second she's gone so is the small part of me that's good. If every negative word i said about her i would have to give up a penny... I'd be thousands of dollars in debt and i STILL wouldn't stop.
I like to say it isn't my fault, it's hers. But that's a lie. I just don't like her. I'm fake and awful and a very large part of me wants to tell her to fuck off, go away, and PLEASE never burden me with your presence EVER. But i keep shut. only for the sake of not causing drama.
Talking shit is so much more pleasant than arguing. Isn't it?
CASE B
well, ok, there really is no case b. when i hate people i hate them SO much, usually there's only room for one at a time.
The End
PS I know there's a handful of people that read this... Laura, andrea, robbie, moises, adolfo occasionaly... if any of this ever offends you, I'm not sorry. I mean, i doubt it would, but i write here mostly for myself. If you're feelings are hurt, it's not my fault for saying it, it's yours for reading it.
PPS hahahahahahaha. i'm such a bitch.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Saturday Night
You don' tknow that i cried real tears tonight. That the air is thick with the smell of misery, rotten and bitter. The feeling sinking deep and the agony rising up.
I get so miserable i'm sick. DId you know that? I'm shivering with fever and i want to throw up. Because you've made me like this, and you'll never make it better.
I get so miserable i'm sick. DId you know that? I'm shivering with fever and i want to throw up. Because you've made me like this, and you'll never make it better.
