I have nothing to say... bahck.

erhm..... uhmmm.... nothing.

fat kid is tired...

swing swing?

are *you* in the zone?!

Sometimes i realize that i have way too many things that i regret...

to list a few?

1) giving myself to *him.* it was all i had left and he took it happily but it meant nothing to him. just like i mean nothing to him. and i don't understand why i keep letting myself hurt over him.
2) letting myself lose you. (ther'es jsut so many "you's" that i'll simply leave it at that. )
3) lerch. ew. enough said.
4) not reading hamlet. heheh

Days...

"Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we inteded to be
we had it all,
you believed in me,
i believed in you...
deep in my heart i'm concealing
things that i'm longing to say
scaredto confess what i'm feeling

frightened you'll slip away...

you must love me..."

-Madonna

I feel so lost... so small. so tiny. so little. Like i'm 4 again the day before christmas in an overly crowded mall. all alone with everyone pushing and shoving past as the world seem to get larger and i got smaller and my fears were going crazy in my head and the tears streaming down my face and the screams echoing. but still being ignored. That day, eventually, a stranger picked me up, a crowd began and my parents came rushing back all in a matter of 10 minutes. this time i've lost myself and only i can find me again. Find what i really want and what will really be most beneficial. I need to pick myself up, figure out whats wrong through all the confusion and tears, and then do my best to find my happiness. Because if i can't then no one else will. and i shouldn't need everyone to convince me to act upon my own interests.

grrrr. today i had some serious issues shaving. hehehe

first i.. heh... well.. i cut myself in a place where you REALLY don't want a cut. :coughdowncoughtherecough: OUCH!

and then i cut my ankle while shaving my legs. there goes **my** running streak of having NEVER cut myself while shaving my legs. grrrr. later on i put a bandaid on it.. mostly cause i like bandaids, not cause it was THAT bad that i needed one.

AND THEN!!! while shaving my legs my hair got in the way so i go to flip my hair outa my face with that whole girly head twitch shake throw thing.. you knwo teh kind... the type they have in commercials so girls toss thier hair from side to side... well... usually doin' that works out for me... but it threw of fmy balance and i almost liek HARDCORE ate it. i almost wished that someone had been there to laugh at me with me. ...

... any takers? hehe

Things to note about my day:

1. i've listened to brand new all day.
2. i won toys at Dave and Busters
3. i only cried once. it was half a moment
4. i've chewed my lip so hardcore that it's bleeding in a couple places
5. I'm home alone.
6. My car smells like weed my house smells like weed and i'ven't smoked ANY of it.
7. I met my cousin's boyfriend. Seemed like a good kdi. not for me to judge anyways.
8. i've eaten until sick
9. I watched Finding Nemo again. i can't remember who i watched it with the first time.
10. i updated my calendar.

I want to say i had a good day because it has all the right ingredients but in reality.. it was terrible. i'm sorry...

My weekend has gone wonderfully.

on top of everything i also found out that my sister's departure is being pushed from jan. 11th to dec. 26th. a mere day after chirstmas. how could they!?

how can this behappening?! I love her *so* much. i need her so much. how am i uspposed to LIVE without her?! who's going to love me? who's going to be there???? I can't even begin to tell her how much i need her or miss her because i know she needs this. I love her and because of that i cannot place any guilt or hindrance on her leaving becaus ei know this is what she wants. I love her *so* much that i coudln't bear to ask her to stay for me. she isn't doing this to me. she's doing it for her. of all people she deserves that. deserves happiness.

and so. i will tell her i love her, i'll never stop, i'll always be here, and that i hope this happiness she is working on works out for her.

And on other hands...

cu-cu-cu-controversial.

This morning the sun somehow shone directly through my window. I can't recall the last time it has. My room was still cold. With teh sunin my eyes I began to cry again. It only lasted a moment.

i keep trying to remember that big girls don't cry. sydney's don't cry....

Then why are my eyes so swollen and i can't seem to breathe?

I wanted to tell you that it hurts. it hurts SO much....

but i know it'd be pointless because i know it's what you intended.

I wish I knew what to tell you... But nothing seems right. There isn't enough time or space or words to etll it all, express it all. and so it feels like i'm saying half truth's again. But i know it is all i know how to say. I just wish you knew how much you meant to me.... and how much he did too....

wow... long time no blog.

ok, wow. that was incredibly dorky of me to say.. but.. erhm.. what *is* there to say? i can't seem to think of much...

we've been reading hamlet in class an i really like it. i can't read it so easily but when i read aloud or watch it it's easy as pie. hehe. maybe not pie. but at least i think i get it.

Hey tiffany, I have a new quater for you... if you don't have it already. I've got missouri. hehehehe. home of the mo'fuckin' inbreds, yo! hella lick your elbow! (mwahah. i rhymed. i'm a rapper.) but erh... there's like two rows of trees on the side and a river with a boat and a bunch of peopel in the center.. it says "corps of discovery." they're liars. they ain't cores o' no damn shit. i think it might supposed to be sacagawea, lews and clark? i dunno.. my random guess. or just people.

ANYWAYS...

let's see... what's new with me? erhm.. i'm doin' a bit better at that whole "student" bit... i've got a job interview in HMB today and one tomorrow in Montara. I'm hopin' more for th first.

let's see.... what else is tehre to say? i finished my letter to Kevin but couldn't think of what to send in a package. maybe i'll jsut send the letter and the candy>? heh. dissapointment, major, eh? it's not like he deserves it anyways... he hasn't sent me anything. hell, not even an Email. and he only talks to me online cause *i* instant message *him.* it's petty but what're ya gonna do?

:sigh: i've been so terrible moody lately. i'll blame it on my period. damn bleeding vagina. it's DISGUSTING. lol. it's just that when i get so tired i get depressed... and it's hard to avoid...

or maybe i just get really tired when depressed... either way, it doesn't matter...

oh. and for fun time's sake.. Andrea and justin sittin' in a tree. k-i-s-s-i-n-g. first comes love then comes marriage then comes a baby in a baby carriage!

ok... so.. maybe that was a little much. sorry...

You wanna get in the zone? Britney's new CD came out yesterday. i didn't buy it. Grace did. i burned it. (looks down in shame) piracy. Honey come's out the 5th. it's exciting.

and as a departing thought... Have you ever read in stories, books, and things of the such the line or something of the sort... "we kissed liek we were teenagers again" or basically teh same idea? well.. i have. at least a couple times. it makes me think (yes everyone is sick of me and my thinking) but.... what's teh difference between kissing now and kissing when your (i'm) older? how do teenagers kiss that adults don't normally? is it more passion? is it because teens kiss more openly? more wantingly? kiss more? does that mean when we grow older we just stop kissing as much? that it doesn't hold that same magic? that same meaning? what **is** it that really makes teh difference?? i've asked Riordan and he said that it's the fact that when your young every kiss has the chance and possibility of sex behind it.. is that REALLY all that is? i don't know.. either way... the thought scares me.

I never want to grow old....

I'm showered, dressed, perfumed... I've done my makeup. I've done my hair. I'm all spiffed out and not a damn place to go...

How much candy does one need to consume to throw themselves into a diabetic coma?

And more "exploding" goodtime fun for the kids....


http://www.explodingdog.com/aug3/iloveyou.html

http://www.explodingdog.com/sept27/fulloflove.html

http://www.explodingdog.com/june7/complicated.html

http://www.explodingdog.com/june7/lovedme.html

http://www.explodingdog.com/june7/itriedtohold.html

http://www.explodingdog.com/august6/temphappy.html

http://www.explodingdog.com/august6/wheresmyambition.html

http://www.explodingdog.com/august6/andthenwe.html

http://www.explodingdog.com/august6/fallingstars.html

http://www.explodingdog.com/january1/ithoughtyoulovedmemoretha.html

http://www.explodingdog.com/january1/mendyourheartwiththethread.html

http://www.explodingdog.com/january1/lookatthestars.html

http://www.explodingdog.com/january2/ilovedyouatthewrongtimes.html

Sometimes i just get SO damn tired and lazy i wish i could fall down them rather than have to walk. and sometimes, when i'm really hungry and i don't want to get up i'll start biting myself. OH! and sometimes i get so bored stuff myself until i'm on the verge of throwing up. And then i sleep it off.

Is it me or is this just slightly reminiscent? ---> http://www.explodingdog.com/twoone/becauseit.html

Go here ---> http://www.explodingdog.com/november15/onlyhim.html

i think it's self explanatory?

"How do i find [him,] bearing my heart in [his] hand? ... I still wear your heart around my throat with barely the air not to choke. Never, not ever again. I finally replaced every promise you've taken away. Now that it's over, I'm older and colder this way."

I can still feel your lips brushing mine and i can feel myself breaking inside and i can feel the warmth of everything you mean to me.

You make me feel alive again.

Let's compare our rankings, our rates, our numbers. because that **so** shows you're a better person than me.

He's a liar. A LIAR. A LIAR. he's nothing but a fucking liar.

I was more than idiotic to ever hope for anymore. i was naive to think he could be telling the truth.

Mistake Number Two.

there's a whole lot i can say about what he's said but i'll just sum it up with... he misses me. or so he says. i feel like last resort. like he doesn't miss me at all but he's just so desperate and lonely he's begun to tell himself he misses me. And while it's nice to hear and all... it just feels bogus. like he's just using me as a passing amusement and the SECOND he gets busy with something else i'll be forgotten again. not only can i NOT feel for kevin again because it hurts too goddamned much to know it's impossible but i can't feel for him again and have to deal with him abandoning me again. i couldn't deal with being neglected again. i did it once and i refuse to open myself up to him only to force myself to close. :sigh: i just can't let him hurt me again because if i let him back into my life i know he'll hurt me. Hell, this is ALREADY hurting and he hasn't even done anything.

Does this make him my one that got away?