Goodbye will not be easy.
tears cannot be avoided.
pain is inevitable.
please god. please help me. please stop this.
Dear friend, you are not comforting. you are not consoling. You are condescending. You say "oh your pain. your silly pain. been there. done that. you silly girl with your silly tears."
Please let me find my voice. please let me scream this away. please let me be loud in everything but this ache.
No work. no school. no reason to leave bed. I don't know what to do. i have nothign to do. i'm on the verge of begging you to stay.
I would say, " PLease hold me. please never let me go. please make this stop. don't leave me. don't leave me. Don't make us do this. I need you. please don't leave me. "
I'd get on my knees and pull you down with me. I would whisper and scream and cry. I wouldn't want to let you go.
But you have to. you have to.
And i'm sorry for never being enough.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Monday, December 26, 2005
Christmas Inventory:
2 heart necklace
1 ring
1 cd player
2 sweaters
3 tank tops
1 blanket
2 gift certificates
and about... 90 bucks?
1 ring
1 cd player
2 sweaters
3 tank tops
1 blanket
2 gift certificates
and about... 90 bucks?
Monday, December 19, 2005
Wanna be the Bastard of Yourself
Here's a sweet little story.
There was once a little girl. her mother was molested. It was her future child by twenty years fault.
There one was a little girl. Her sister was molested. It was her future sister by ten years fault.
There was once a family that always fought like monsters eating one another's hearts. No one walked away whole.
The only one that remained untouched and ignored was this little girl. All of this was her fault.
They left her one by one. away from everythign that was so terrible. they left her alone to take it all on herself.
at night she would think: "it's all my fault. it's all my fault. they don't love me because they can't save me. they can't save me because i'm terrbile." and she never cried.
At night there was darkness and things she never understood. like a mommy being raped and feeling the bed shake with it. like porn on a tv and feeling the bed shake with it.
never touched. ignored. all her fault. all her fault.
well she's crying now. you're all yelling now. no one will see how much she's carried. no one will see how much she doesn't want to.
she bleeds the blame away in porcelin bathtub and creamy marble and dreams of grey smoggy cities.
She wants away now. wants to leave now. they're happy now. happy without her now.
Alone. alone. she's always alone. She wants to leave here, be alone on her own terms. alone where their anger can't touch her.
Moved cars and broken windshields. cut hair in unnoticable places. fuck. dick. bastard. dirty words in songs and she's crying while he's eating and why is he leaving her. the only one who's cared is leaving her.
She doesn't care now. doesn't care now. doesn't want to be loved now. doesn't want to love now.
dull scissors. dirty laundry. pink trees and lit wreaths.
Can you save her now? is she worth it now?
There was once a little girl. her mother was molested. It was her future child by twenty years fault.
There one was a little girl. Her sister was molested. It was her future sister by ten years fault.
There was once a family that always fought like monsters eating one another's hearts. No one walked away whole.
The only one that remained untouched and ignored was this little girl. All of this was her fault.
They left her one by one. away from everythign that was so terrible. they left her alone to take it all on herself.
at night she would think: "it's all my fault. it's all my fault. they don't love me because they can't save me. they can't save me because i'm terrbile." and she never cried.
At night there was darkness and things she never understood. like a mommy being raped and feeling the bed shake with it. like porn on a tv and feeling the bed shake with it.
never touched. ignored. all her fault. all her fault.
well she's crying now. you're all yelling now. no one will see how much she's carried. no one will see how much she doesn't want to.
she bleeds the blame away in porcelin bathtub and creamy marble and dreams of grey smoggy cities.
She wants away now. wants to leave now. they're happy now. happy without her now.
Alone. alone. she's always alone. She wants to leave here, be alone on her own terms. alone where their anger can't touch her.
Moved cars and broken windshields. cut hair in unnoticable places. fuck. dick. bastard. dirty words in songs and she's crying while he's eating and why is he leaving her. the only one who's cared is leaving her.
She doesn't care now. doesn't care now. doesn't want to be loved now. doesn't want to love now.
dull scissors. dirty laundry. pink trees and lit wreaths.
Can you save her now? is she worth it now?
Sunday, December 18, 2005
You can be my Constant and I'll never Give you Up
I saw your ankles. You act like i wouldn't. act like i wouldn't care.
We all know me. It's impossible for me not to care. even about those that deserve it the least.
But you, you're one of the few i've ever... god, i can't even degrade it down to a word. You're a part of me, damnit. I need you as a reminder of who i am. I need you in a thousand ways.
No, i'll admit it openly, you're not alot of things i've maybe needed. Something or someone that could be warm and forgiving.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
I love you. It's pointless. it's hard. it's completely useless. But i do.
I saw your fucking ankles.
And the sad part is... I'm not mad. I'm not even dissapointed. I understand. I understand.
The only thing is... I wish i could have ever been enough to make you happy. I love you. and that won't ever be enough.
And she thought to herself "maybe if no one see then it doesn't derserve to be seen."
We all know me. It's impossible for me not to care. even about those that deserve it the least.
But you, you're one of the few i've ever... god, i can't even degrade it down to a word. You're a part of me, damnit. I need you as a reminder of who i am. I need you in a thousand ways.
No, i'll admit it openly, you're not alot of things i've maybe needed. Something or someone that could be warm and forgiving.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
I love you. It's pointless. it's hard. it's completely useless. But i do.
I saw your fucking ankles.
And the sad part is... I'm not mad. I'm not even dissapointed. I understand. I understand.
The only thing is... I wish i could have ever been enough to make you happy. I love you. and that won't ever be enough.
And she thought to herself "maybe if no one see then it doesn't derserve to be seen."
