I don't know what to say.
I know you'll read this.
I thought of you all day.
I'm making a choice. Two seperate ones. And i have no idea what i should do. I have no idea what i'm feeling.
I meant it when i said that there would be an easy way and a hard way. And we'd have to decide which was which. And which was right or wrong. Well I don't know. I can't decide.
There's a difference between a need and a want. And i'm not sure which is which. I'm not sure about much of anything, i know.
I mean, if things were easy would they really be worth it? But what if things are hard and they turn out to be just as unworthy?
It's not ok for me to withdraw and be distant, but it is for you?
needless to say I'm drowning. Needless to say I'm drowning.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
A List of Images
At a stop in the road, suddenly. she breaks. Imagine the tears. the red eyes. imagine it. She looks up to see if you're there. You're not. She isn't surprised. It's warm out and there are cherry blossom leaves on the ground. They're burgundy.
+
She buys boxes and grabs a box of razor blades. Only one intent. She imagines what it will feel like. While in line se worries they'll know. Worries they can see the swell in her eyes and that she'll be too expressive. She puts them back.
+
Consider this: A vase. two. perhaps a vase. perhaps a jug, a pitcher. Maybe they're glass. Maybe they're blue. Decorated. Tilting. Pouring. Liquid.
Imagine that. She needs that now. Anyone's lips. A soul meets a soul. a heart a heart. the give and share of emotions. She holds back.
+
She thinks about cutting her hair. Getting a new tatoo. A new way to deface her body.
She remembers the box of blades at the store.
+
Picture this: silver savior. cliffs. rocks. it'd be so easy. it'd be so hard. Imagine the wind blowing through your hair, the way it would feel to be free.
Picture this: in a moment two tin cans of life collide. They crush and Crumble. They're no magnets. repelled by heart force.
+
She doesn't care anymore. there's too much. Farther farther.
iceburgs
+
Sunken and she tried so hard to be.
+
Vomit. colored with breakfast. Colored with blood. Toilet swirling, eyes wiped, a glance in the mirror. look at what you are.
more vomit.
+
The warmth and the cold. the mixing. it make syou nauseous.
She thinks of all the words she gave away. The ones she won't get back.
it's too late now. it's too late. don't try and more it's too late.
+
Consider this:
She stands isolated, not by force, of free will.
Consider this:
She's watching you, her eyes burning (not from tears, don't be mistaken) and she won't see a thing.
She doesn't want to anymore.
+
She buys boxes and grabs a box of razor blades. Only one intent. She imagines what it will feel like. While in line se worries they'll know. Worries they can see the swell in her eyes and that she'll be too expressive. She puts them back.
+
Consider this: A vase. two. perhaps a vase. perhaps a jug, a pitcher. Maybe they're glass. Maybe they're blue. Decorated. Tilting. Pouring. Liquid.
Imagine that. She needs that now. Anyone's lips. A soul meets a soul. a heart a heart. the give and share of emotions. She holds back.
+
She thinks about cutting her hair. Getting a new tatoo. A new way to deface her body.
She remembers the box of blades at the store.
+
Picture this: silver savior. cliffs. rocks. it'd be so easy. it'd be so hard. Imagine the wind blowing through your hair, the way it would feel to be free.
Picture this: in a moment two tin cans of life collide. They crush and Crumble. They're no magnets. repelled by heart force.
+
She doesn't care anymore. there's too much. Farther farther.
iceburgs
+
Sunken and she tried so hard to be.
+
Vomit. colored with breakfast. Colored with blood. Toilet swirling, eyes wiped, a glance in the mirror. look at what you are.
more vomit.
+
The warmth and the cold. the mixing. it make syou nauseous.
She thinks of all the words she gave away. The ones she won't get back.
it's too late now. it's too late. don't try and more it's too late.
+
Consider this:
She stands isolated, not by force, of free will.
Consider this:
She's watching you, her eyes burning (not from tears, don't be mistaken) and she won't see a thing.
She doesn't want to anymore.
Thinking I'd Go
THe walls are thin tonight as they listen to her sob. A soul is made of several compartments. One is passion. One is compassion. Which is she crying for? which is she striving for? What do you hear between the lines?
She's weak. She wants you to know that. She's weak. go ahead, think of obscure references she'll use next... Jello, ribbons, strings, birds, giraffes even (wann ahear that one? it's pretty funny. i'll tell you later)
Now where do you apply? where do you fit in? She was supposed to be a peice to your puzzle (yes she's addressing you.) was she thepeice towards completion? or was she the one you misplace in the confusion and you come to end and realize you did all the work but there's a hole there. a tiny one. not enough to take away from thepicture but there anyways. Or was she the child you encountered that stomped around making monster noises and crushed it all? We'll all go with the last. It's a far more entertaining idea. A far more fitting one with her day to day personality. You can all imagine it, i know you can, her arms and legs raised, maybe she's in pigtails making a scrunchy face, baring teeth in the silliest sort of way. opening her mouth to wide. stomping like a godzilla going "roooarrr" Isn't it amusing? almost cute?
She met someone beautiful tonight but was afraid to talk in fear of being in awe of her for the rest of her life. WOuldn't that be awful? To love someone so impossible.
Oh wait, is that what this is? hah.
Let's laugh. all at once. Point your finger.
Are you ready?
She's weak. She wants you to know that. She's weak. go ahead, think of obscure references she'll use next... Jello, ribbons, strings, birds, giraffes even (wann ahear that one? it's pretty funny. i'll tell you later)
Now where do you apply? where do you fit in? She was supposed to be a peice to your puzzle (yes she's addressing you.) was she thepeice towards completion? or was she the one you misplace in the confusion and you come to end and realize you did all the work but there's a hole there. a tiny one. not enough to take away from thepicture but there anyways. Or was she the child you encountered that stomped around making monster noises and crushed it all? We'll all go with the last. It's a far more entertaining idea. A far more fitting one with her day to day personality. You can all imagine it, i know you can, her arms and legs raised, maybe she's in pigtails making a scrunchy face, baring teeth in the silliest sort of way. opening her mouth to wide. stomping like a godzilla going "roooarrr" Isn't it amusing? almost cute?
She met someone beautiful tonight but was afraid to talk in fear of being in awe of her for the rest of her life. WOuldn't that be awful? To love someone so impossible.
Oh wait, is that what this is? hah.
Let's laugh. all at once. Point your finger.
Are you ready?
The tears come continuously and the sobs are only mostly muted. She's talking and talking and in the background, what's that noise? The sound of shatters.
She doesn't know what she wants anymore
+
I understand a lot of things right now. I'm at a "crossroads" if you will. I understand that i'm at a hard point in my life right now. That one moment there is unfounded anger. others frustrating obstinancy. Most times there's moodiness uncontendable. She knows that one moment she loves him. THe next, a different him.
The second got her riled up tonight. She finally had the balls enough for the first.
she's exhausted. so utterly emotionally exhausted. She can't breathe from the weight, the pressure. She wants to apologize but doesn't know to which. She's sorry for both but can only handle her knees one at a time. LIke she should have only handled screams one at a time. Tonight is twofertwofers. DO you remember that joke? none of you would, you weren't there at the time.
she wants to let it all go. let it all go. turn off the computer. stop all the calls. close her eyes. let it all go. move on from here, sydney, move on. build something new, sydney, build something new. forget the first. forget the second. Let it go, she says.
SHe can't. she can't.
She doesn't know what she wants anymore
+
I understand a lot of things right now. I'm at a "crossroads" if you will. I understand that i'm at a hard point in my life right now. That one moment there is unfounded anger. others frustrating obstinancy. Most times there's moodiness uncontendable. She knows that one moment she loves him. THe next, a different him.
The second got her riled up tonight. She finally had the balls enough for the first.
she's exhausted. so utterly emotionally exhausted. She can't breathe from the weight, the pressure. She wants to apologize but doesn't know to which. She's sorry for both but can only handle her knees one at a time. LIke she should have only handled screams one at a time. Tonight is twofertwofers. DO you remember that joke? none of you would, you weren't there at the time.
she wants to let it all go. let it all go. turn off the computer. stop all the calls. close her eyes. let it all go. move on from here, sydney, move on. build something new, sydney, build something new. forget the first. forget the second. Let it go, she says.
SHe can't. she can't.
