my house smells like weed and everyone has just left to go surfing. i'll be meeting Tiffany in 2 hours and Adolfo and Lenin will be coming over to say goodbye. I should go take a shower and i should go call AAA to fix my flat tire but I don't think i have enough time before i go out...
I'll be calling Chris today.
Sunday, July 27, 2003
Saturday, July 26, 2003
Friday, July 25, 2003
Thursday, July 24, 2003
Ipo,
I promise I still care but this is so hard. Almost too hard. I'd try and i'd work and i'd never let go if i knew you would too. But i know you won't. I know that it was nothing, that it should've been nothing to me too. I know now that i felt too much and that i should have let go several weeks ago. I want to write you letters everyday but then i'll seem obsessed. I want to hear your voice when i wake up. I want to be able to walk to your door and smile into your face. I want to whisper sweet anythings to your lips and let you hold me forever. But... I can't. I shouldn't have ever even half hoped for it. I know that now. I know that we'll never speak and that i'll never look into your eyes again. I know that you don't think of me half as many times as i think of you and i know that you'll never read this. I know that i've got to move one because i promised myself i wouldn't be apart of anyting one-sided again. I promised myself i wouldn't hold on until i had to let go again. I'm calling it quits. I want you to know that. But not because i want to. Not because it's the right thing to do (it isn't. HOw could letting go ever be right?). Not because i've stopped caring or because there aren't any feelings there. Not because i have something better here for me. I'm doing this because it hurts. it hurts so much having nightmares everynight and waking up crying to an empty bed. waking up in the morning knowing that i'm one day further from the last time i saw you and just that much more faded in your memory. It hurts to talk to you and hear how much you don't give a damn. To sense the tone that i'm nothing. I'm nothing to you now. That's what hurts the most. I'm nothing...
Yours,
SYdney
I promise I still care but this is so hard. Almost too hard. I'd try and i'd work and i'd never let go if i knew you would too. But i know you won't. I know that it was nothing, that it should've been nothing to me too. I know now that i felt too much and that i should have let go several weeks ago. I want to write you letters everyday but then i'll seem obsessed. I want to hear your voice when i wake up. I want to be able to walk to your door and smile into your face. I want to whisper sweet anythings to your lips and let you hold me forever. But... I can't. I shouldn't have ever even half hoped for it. I know that now. I know that we'll never speak and that i'll never look into your eyes again. I know that you don't think of me half as many times as i think of you and i know that you'll never read this. I know that i've got to move one because i promised myself i wouldn't be apart of anyting one-sided again. I promised myself i wouldn't hold on until i had to let go again. I'm calling it quits. I want you to know that. But not because i want to. Not because it's the right thing to do (it isn't. HOw could letting go ever be right?). Not because i've stopped caring or because there aren't any feelings there. Not because i have something better here for me. I'm doing this because it hurts. it hurts so much having nightmares everynight and waking up crying to an empty bed. waking up in the morning knowing that i'm one day further from the last time i saw you and just that much more faded in your memory. It hurts to talk to you and hear how much you don't give a damn. To sense the tone that i'm nothing. I'm nothing to you now. That's what hurts the most. I'm nothing...
Yours,
SYdney
My dream from a couple nights ago:
WE were in a strange living room, kind of like the one in that movie Renee and I used to watch when we were little kids, you know, the one we knew was naughty because we found it on top of her dad's closet. There was a long couch against one wall and a TV against the other. THere wasn't anything else in the room. The room was rectangular. In my dream, it was your living room. You stood there half naked, A baggy wifebeater and a pair of boxers. We both knew we were together at that specific time just to have sex. It was our goal. I was fully dressed wearing a short sleeved shirts, a pair of jeans, and a Pumas. Even though i never wear short sleeved shirts OR own a pair of Pumas. I was on top of you, my hair was up, and i whisper-laugh-told you something. We weren't trying to be quiet but it came out that way anyways. The next thing i know you're on top, we're both laughing. Push. Pull. Roll. Agressive. I'm on top again. I'm thinking of *him* (the him that's my current and the him that i still have a thing with. Yes, the him i wish i had the chance to be with) and i'm feeling incredibly guilty. But stronger than the guilt is the obligation to you, the urgency and need *knowing* that the guilt doesn't matter. I try to think of a way to justify what we're doing and i can't. I can't because i care about him too much. You two have never met. I hope you never do. He's too important to me and you're too hurtful. Side by side and we're laughing and we pause to look at the TV. The colors are mesmerizing and we lose ourselves in THe Price Is Right and that guy who hosts the show is talking. I'm lying there, using your arm as a pillow, your still half dressed and i'm still fully dressed. We're just laying there. That's where your brother walks in and makes a comment about you getting some action and i feel embaressed knowing it isn't going to happen but everyone thinks it anyways. You both laugh. I hide my face in the floor.
WE were in a strange living room, kind of like the one in that movie Renee and I used to watch when we were little kids, you know, the one we knew was naughty because we found it on top of her dad's closet. There was a long couch against one wall and a TV against the other. THere wasn't anything else in the room. The room was rectangular. In my dream, it was your living room. You stood there half naked, A baggy wifebeater and a pair of boxers. We both knew we were together at that specific time just to have sex. It was our goal. I was fully dressed wearing a short sleeved shirts, a pair of jeans, and a Pumas. Even though i never wear short sleeved shirts OR own a pair of Pumas. I was on top of you, my hair was up, and i whisper-laugh-told you something. We weren't trying to be quiet but it came out that way anyways. The next thing i know you're on top, we're both laughing. Push. Pull. Roll. Agressive. I'm on top again. I'm thinking of *him* (the him that's my current and the him that i still have a thing with. Yes, the him i wish i had the chance to be with) and i'm feeling incredibly guilty. But stronger than the guilt is the obligation to you, the urgency and need *knowing* that the guilt doesn't matter. I try to think of a way to justify what we're doing and i can't. I can't because i care about him too much. You two have never met. I hope you never do. He's too important to me and you're too hurtful. Side by side and we're laughing and we pause to look at the TV. The colors are mesmerizing and we lose ourselves in THe Price Is Right and that guy who hosts the show is talking. I'm lying there, using your arm as a pillow, your still half dressed and i'm still fully dressed. We're just laying there. That's where your brother walks in and makes a comment about you getting some action and i feel embaressed knowing it isn't going to happen but everyone thinks it anyways. You both laugh. I hide my face in the floor.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
I wonder what you're doing and if you even care. I sit here and i think of you and all that you represented to me, how much you meant to me. What was i to you? I guess i'll never know and i'm sure i'll never ask. If i did would you lie? Sometimes when the sun is out i think of how much more perfect it would be if you were by my side, when it isn't I think of how i'd be warmer with you there. I like to think about your everyday life and every word your saying, I like to pretend i can be there and i pretend that you could be here. I wonder what it'd be like if we could be together, one more time? one more forever? I heard a song today that reminded me of you. It made me want to cry. I laughed instead. It was good while it lasted, right? I'm trying to fill my time, replace you with a million other things but it just won't do. nothing can compare. Tomorrow is another day, Will you think of me? Tomorrow i'll get up, Do you *ever* think of me? I'm trying not to lose hope but it's close to impossible.
Will i ever see you again? or will all i get is that one last goodbye memory?
Will i ever see you again? or will all i get is that one last goodbye memory?
Saturday, July 19, 2003
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
I see what it is that we really want now... I see what we've been waiting for. working for. hoping for. Very simply put... Each other. Each other every night. THe way we had it before. After a too long day, after a couple beers, after bickering with your best friend, after hiding how sad you really are, after anything. Lying in one another's arms. We won't ever get that back... We could never achieve that, things couldn't ever be like they were then... But...
"we'll always have Paris..."
"we'll always have Paris..."
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
My dream:
It was warm and we were on a small bed about an arm's length away from each other. Barely breathing from perfection. A sweetness it hurt my heart to beat. It felt so real. So vivid. Feeling your fingers trace my lips, you arms around my waist, your steady breathing, and racing heart. But mostly i remember the warmth. My eyes were barely open and things just felt right. My phone rang and you told me to answer. I didn't want to and told you i wanted to stay with you forever. You pulled me closer. I almost wept when i woke up...
It was warm and we were on a small bed about an arm's length away from each other. Barely breathing from perfection. A sweetness it hurt my heart to beat. It felt so real. So vivid. Feeling your fingers trace my lips, you arms around my waist, your steady breathing, and racing heart. But mostly i remember the warmth. My eyes were barely open and things just felt right. My phone rang and you told me to answer. I didn't want to and told you i wanted to stay with you forever. You pulled me closer. I almost wept when i woke up...
Sunday, July 13, 2003
so... the Eels concert friday night!
it was fucking GREAT! we got there at 9. no line. walk in. McHonkey ( i found out he's a dj) is on stage mixin' it up. go upstairs. 2 guys on a tiny mini stage playing. they're called "the local stars" i thought the were good. nothing spectacular. Ordered a salad. now this thing... this 6 dollar concotion BARELY deserves the title of "salad" cause it was fucking horrible. it was the most bitter crap i've ever tasted. not even lettuce let alone REAL lettuce. it was solidly purple. can we say "CABBAGE?!" yea. it was pretty bad. so me and andrea walk about... steal a menu, buy a McHonkey cd and an Eels shirt. look atht ehpictures on the walls. then we find a place in the crowd. it's SO not satisfactory... so i pull andrea and we get to the very very side. but right up front. the security gaurd tells us to move in cause he needs an Aisle and i figure "safety precautions, ok." and we move.
after a bit of waiting and talking and fuckin' around the lights dim. there they are, all one stage. Goldenboy: the lead guitarist, Koool G: the Bassist, and Puddin': the new drummer. Alas, E is no where to be found. so they all begin playing and a stage hand man steps out with a spotlight sorta thing and just starts waving it through the crowd. it's extra lighting, right? wrong. it's a spotlight. and it WHOOSH's back after lollygaggy-ing about for a minute or two and there he is. There's Mr. E standing on one of the back balconies closest to a set of stairs and he rocks out. he's got a harmonica and he's going at it. the crowd cheers like no other. Arms thrown into the air, and he dissappears into the balcony. Spotlight lowers. He's walking through ever so bad ass with his sunglasses on and a strut like no other through none other than the aisle. yes. the aisle that i was the edge of. I'm tempted to try and touch him but don't. he gets on stage and they begin. So they begin their set. they're playing and everyone's just having a good time, myself included. Maybe i shoudl take this time to explain the crowd. They're all pretty much older than me. age ranges from what looks like twenties to fifties. I might have seen a couple people that looked like they could have been about in my age range but i can easily say we didn't fit in. So, E is on stage blabbing about how grand san francisco is and yammer yammer yammer. sorta boring. i like the way his mouth moves though... and i get the genius idea to yell "take it off!" but i'm afraid. so i tell Andrea to do it. she refuses but upgrades the idea "Sydney, scream 'get naked!'" no. way. but since like usual i'm a sucker for a laugh and decide to do it. "SO since san francisco is *so* great you deserve something to do. Want to know what E REALLY wants you do? What i want you do to do is..." and sydney cups her mouth and yells "GET NAKED!" everyone turns and stares. needless to say, no one gets naked. E is a bit surprised, half laughs... "well if you REALLY want toget naked then that's your own thing... i mean... getting naked is.. well.. . you can do that if you really want" or somethign to that same extent. it was amusing to andrea and i. i think we were the only ones. The guy next to me taps my shoulder. Leave it to sydney to find probably one of the only flamers in the crowd. "You do NOT want to see him naked. i mean.. look at his ass. have you stared at his ass? he has no ass." and the conversation proceeds as thus. THe guy leaves. many people do. The eels take their bows and leave stage. NO WAY i'm leaving. we stand about cheering like all hell and E and goldenboy come back on... play a couple songs... then Koool G. then the drummer... they play a song... and they leave again... even MORE people leave. we're still stickin' around and we scream ourselves raw. They come back for yet another Encore preformance. This time it looks like they're really gone... THe lights go on and more than half the crowd is gone. Andrea and i sit down. we're waiting out the people traffic. The some random guy comes onto the stage and announces "the Eels have left the bulding..." I stand up. we're ready to go. "YEA FUCKING RIGHT!!!!!!" and in run the eels as the stage is rushed. Andrea and i are in the front. and when i say the front i mean we're up against the stage and if i reach out, just reach out a little i could touch him. i don't. they're great and i'm totally pumped and this is one the greatest times i've had in a long while. it's good. So they finish and this time they really do begin to pack up and Andrea and i await the people traffic to clear. eventually we go outside where there are people at the door passing out these free poster things. I have no clue as to how we thought up the idea or decided to do it but we do. We decide that Sydney is going to get her poster signed. There's the bus. there's the backdoor exit. There's the Exit. we wait. We wait and we wait and we wait. We made friends with thise one roadie guy, i'm hit on by a security gaurd, we make nice with the only 3 other Eels fans out there. Moral of the story? I got my Eels poster signed by all of them. yes. all of them. all glorious fucking four of them. That was *my* friday night... it ended with a dozen krispy kremes at 2 in the morning and then home at 3. it was a good fucking time.
it was fucking GREAT! we got there at 9. no line. walk in. McHonkey ( i found out he's a dj) is on stage mixin' it up. go upstairs. 2 guys on a tiny mini stage playing. they're called "the local stars" i thought the were good. nothing spectacular. Ordered a salad. now this thing... this 6 dollar concotion BARELY deserves the title of "salad" cause it was fucking horrible. it was the most bitter crap i've ever tasted. not even lettuce let alone REAL lettuce. it was solidly purple. can we say "CABBAGE?!" yea. it was pretty bad. so me and andrea walk about... steal a menu, buy a McHonkey cd and an Eels shirt. look atht ehpictures on the walls. then we find a place in the crowd. it's SO not satisfactory... so i pull andrea and we get to the very very side. but right up front. the security gaurd tells us to move in cause he needs an Aisle and i figure "safety precautions, ok." and we move.
after a bit of waiting and talking and fuckin' around the lights dim. there they are, all one stage. Goldenboy: the lead guitarist, Koool G: the Bassist, and Puddin': the new drummer. Alas, E is no where to be found. so they all begin playing and a stage hand man steps out with a spotlight sorta thing and just starts waving it through the crowd. it's extra lighting, right? wrong. it's a spotlight. and it WHOOSH's back after lollygaggy-ing about for a minute or two and there he is. There's Mr. E standing on one of the back balconies closest to a set of stairs and he rocks out. he's got a harmonica and he's going at it. the crowd cheers like no other. Arms thrown into the air, and he dissappears into the balcony. Spotlight lowers. He's walking through ever so bad ass with his sunglasses on and a strut like no other through none other than the aisle. yes. the aisle that i was the edge of. I'm tempted to try and touch him but don't. he gets on stage and they begin. So they begin their set. they're playing and everyone's just having a good time, myself included. Maybe i shoudl take this time to explain the crowd. They're all pretty much older than me. age ranges from what looks like twenties to fifties. I might have seen a couple people that looked like they could have been about in my age range but i can easily say we didn't fit in. So, E is on stage blabbing about how grand san francisco is and yammer yammer yammer. sorta boring. i like the way his mouth moves though... and i get the genius idea to yell "take it off!" but i'm afraid. so i tell Andrea to do it. she refuses but upgrades the idea "Sydney, scream 'get naked!'" no. way. but since like usual i'm a sucker for a laugh and decide to do it. "SO since san francisco is *so* great you deserve something to do. Want to know what E REALLY wants you do? What i want you do to do is..." and sydney cups her mouth and yells "GET NAKED!" everyone turns and stares. needless to say, no one gets naked. E is a bit surprised, half laughs... "well if you REALLY want toget naked then that's your own thing... i mean... getting naked is.. well.. . you can do that if you really want" or somethign to that same extent. it was amusing to andrea and i. i think we were the only ones. The guy next to me taps my shoulder. Leave it to sydney to find probably one of the only flamers in the crowd. "You do NOT want to see him naked. i mean.. look at his ass. have you stared at his ass? he has no ass." and the conversation proceeds as thus. THe guy leaves. many people do. The eels take their bows and leave stage. NO WAY i'm leaving. we stand about cheering like all hell and E and goldenboy come back on... play a couple songs... then Koool G. then the drummer... they play a song... and they leave again... even MORE people leave. we're still stickin' around and we scream ourselves raw. They come back for yet another Encore preformance. This time it looks like they're really gone... THe lights go on and more than half the crowd is gone. Andrea and i sit down. we're waiting out the people traffic. The some random guy comes onto the stage and announces "the Eels have left the bulding..." I stand up. we're ready to go. "YEA FUCKING RIGHT!!!!!!" and in run the eels as the stage is rushed. Andrea and i are in the front. and when i say the front i mean we're up against the stage and if i reach out, just reach out a little i could touch him. i don't. they're great and i'm totally pumped and this is one the greatest times i've had in a long while. it's good. So they finish and this time they really do begin to pack up and Andrea and i await the people traffic to clear. eventually we go outside where there are people at the door passing out these free poster things. I have no clue as to how we thought up the idea or decided to do it but we do. We decide that Sydney is going to get her poster signed. There's the bus. there's the backdoor exit. There's the Exit. we wait. We wait and we wait and we wait. We made friends with thise one roadie guy, i'm hit on by a security gaurd, we make nice with the only 3 other Eels fans out there. Moral of the story? I got my Eels poster signed by all of them. yes. all of them. all glorious fucking four of them. That was *my* friday night... it ended with a dozen krispy kremes at 2 in the morning and then home at 3. it was a good fucking time.
Boy: there is a LOT i want and need to tell you... I just never get the chance. or maybe i'm just placing too much importance in people again. too much significance. i'm wary of whether or not there's a relationship there or just a silly game. i don't want to say anything if i shouldn't. if there's nothing there then i need to know. i need to know what you're thinking. what you're feeling. whether or not any sort of struggle or effort isn't worth it. I need to know if this is worth it. if we could work this out and find some sort of good standing ground.
The Phantom on the Opera comes back to san francisco in 3 days! i'm dying to go and watch it.
The Phantom on the Opera comes back to san francisco in 3 days! i'm dying to go and watch it.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
Sunday, July 06, 2003
A Pink Midnight Kiss: that oh so tender sweetness just before falling asleep. the warmth and comfort of lying in another's arms half asleep and half awake just *knowing* they'll still be there inthe morning. The mumble-whisper goodnight. the gigglemagicaffection. that secretive cause no one else is here but us exchange. the gentle touch of lips and arms tightened around one another. The sigh of contentment. the breathe of happiness. Knowing that it isn't love but oh dear god it almost could be. that tenderness... that sweetness... that sweet sweet pink midnight kiss...
Friday, July 04, 2003
*You were right. They really are just mini cakes*
I want you to know that i care and that i miss you so much that i'm hurting inside. Someone said that you miss me too but i can't go on this game of "he said - she said." This is far too rough and i'm very unwilling to keep hurting like this on something i'm unsure of. You barely even know me. I barely even know you. Then how come it's like this? Why am i dreaming about you? why am i still holding onto thoughts of you? why am i wishing that every call held your voice and every knock was given from your hand? I'm far too attached already and i know i'll have to cut you out of my life. I can't live like this. I need to move on. But i can't. I can't...
It's getting hard to breathe cause i refuse to show how sad i am.
I want you to know that i care and that i miss you so much that i'm hurting inside. Someone said that you miss me too but i can't go on this game of "he said - she said." This is far too rough and i'm very unwilling to keep hurting like this on something i'm unsure of. You barely even know me. I barely even know you. Then how come it's like this? Why am i dreaming about you? why am i still holding onto thoughts of you? why am i wishing that every call held your voice and every knock was given from your hand? I'm far too attached already and i know i'll have to cut you out of my life. I can't live like this. I need to move on. But i can't. I can't...
It's getting hard to breathe cause i refuse to show how sad i am.
Thursday, July 03, 2003
Toay i was up at 7:30. drove to Rio Vista (2 hours away) and picked up a friend fora friend. Fgrd if i could help i might as well. Dropped them off. got home at about 3. went straight to sleep. awake at 7 (maybe 6:30) and then dinner. Got in trouble for my lack of presence. that was my day.
I want you to understand... You cannot fill the void. I won'tever be here until you can. Until you can say you love me and until you can say you care. Because i'm running from you. running so i don't scream that i hate you and running so i don't scream that i'm scared. I'm just lookng. Please understand that i'm merely looking... Looking for that something to add. that something to complete. But know this, it isn't full without you either.
I want you to understand... You cannot fill the void. I won'tever be here until you can. Until you can say you love me and until you can say you care. Because i'm running from you. running so i don't scream that i hate you and running so i don't scream that i'm scared. I'm just lookng. Please understand that i'm merely looking... Looking for that something to add. that something to complete. But know this, it isn't full without you either.
