The Science of Sleep

I'm doing it again, I know it.

This time I'm so aware of it, of how bad I'm being, that it's making me sick.

It's like I have this secret sort of life. My real life and my pretend one. Except I know there are repercussions of my pretend one in my real life. If anyone knew the crimes I commit everything would fall apart.

I'm so afraid of being burnt. I'm so afraid of being caught. I'm so afraid of myself that it's making me sick.

My stomach hurts, I feel like I can't breathe. I can't seem to calibrate myself to my real life. As if I've forgotten which one is which.

I feel captured in my dreams and when I wake to find a cold reality, I'm breathing underwater. I feel the pressure amount around me, my body raises rebellion.

I'm so lost right now. I'm so lost.

In real life I've grown so distant and depressed that being caught in my dream world is easier. I don't want to be here. I don't want to feel these things.

I don't know if I'm running or I just want to.

I'm completely unaware of what's going on around me or what's going on inside of me. Nothing is making any sense.

I'm so scattered. I feel pulled and panicked. I feel caught. stuck. withdrawn.

Last night I had a dream I was dancing, I remember every step. For the first time for as long as I can remember I felt something inside of me that once defined me. I think it was beauty. I didn't care for anything. For anything outside of those movements. I wasn't lost for once, I found myself. Like something was coursing through me, from fingertip to fingertip, through my heart and every inch of me. It was like I was suddenly released from a vacuum and the air stopped crushing me. Like my heart was beating. Like my lungs were growing. Like everything inside of me was growing. growing. growing outwards. Like I wasn't trapped anymore.

I don't know what makes me feel more alive: my dreams or my actual life.
I don't know what makes me more afraid: my life or my dreams.

Which haunts me more?

Either way, I can't seem to exist only in one. I can't seem to find myself in either one. Sleeping or awake I feel dislodged. I feel I should be in some other sort of world. No matter where I am I feel lost.

I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you...

When I'm driving in my car I still cry over you. You're the only one.

I cry because of everything I went through. Everything I went through all alone. I cry because I remember his hands and I accuse you for not being there to save me. I cry because I remember the fear and the doctors and menace. And it's your fault that I had no support. I cry because I remember all the days and the nights I spent crying and you weren't there.

I let so few people into my life because I'm afraid I can't take it when they let me down. You were my rock, you were the one. You were so much to me and so much of everything. I don't know how but I thought that our relationship could stay that way, that I'd always be your little sister: protected. And you'd be the one to comfort me at night.

I can't forget the nights I would crawl into your bed afraid of the millions of monsters I created. You told me you'd always be there.

And suddenly the monsters were real and the darkness was catching up to me. I was running and running and I didn't need you to save me. I needed you to see that I was tired. I needed you to see that I was there. I needed you to see what I was going through because no one else could see. And no one could see me. And I thought if anyone could know just by looking at me, if anyone could know me, it was you.

I didn't want to be saved, I just didn't want to be alone.

But I was. I was alone. and it was all your fault. I faced the past, the present, and the impending future like the bombing of dresden and not only were you and your bed gone but you didn't even want to face the aftermath.

You were so wrapped up in your money problems and losing your house and I tried so much to help but you couldn't see that. You were so blind. I was losing every good thing inside of me. I can't seem to get it back.

I'm a completely different person now. I've left behind everything I was, everyone that was apart of that. But I still cry for you. I still miss you. And I think it's too late to ever get it back...

There's a distance between Adam and I. It isn't silence and it isn't anger. It's just this really normalized, barely noticeable presence in our relationship. It's almost a discomfort.

It's a strange and new negative aspect to our relationship and I don't quite know how to interpret it or what to do.

How many flaws or negatives until something is just bad? I've always had the problem at knowing.

Could Have Been

Sometimes I can't believe the things we've said. The words we've committed to memory.

How do you know The One? How do you distinguish Forever?

The same in every turn therefore incompatible. We are not the missing peices; we are the same peice.

I will never lose you and you will never lose me. Even if we never truly found each other to begin with.