I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you...

When I'm driving in my car I still cry over you. You're the only one.

I cry because of everything I went through. Everything I went through all alone. I cry because I remember his hands and I accuse you for not being there to save me. I cry because I remember the fear and the doctors and menace. And it's your fault that I had no support. I cry because I remember all the days and the nights I spent crying and you weren't there.

I let so few people into my life because I'm afraid I can't take it when they let me down. You were my rock, you were the one. You were so much to me and so much of everything. I don't know how but I thought that our relationship could stay that way, that I'd always be your little sister: protected. And you'd be the one to comfort me at night.

I can't forget the nights I would crawl into your bed afraid of the millions of monsters I created. You told me you'd always be there.

And suddenly the monsters were real and the darkness was catching up to me. I was running and running and I didn't need you to save me. I needed you to see that I was tired. I needed you to see that I was there. I needed you to see what I was going through because no one else could see. And no one could see me. And I thought if anyone could know just by looking at me, if anyone could know me, it was you.

I didn't want to be saved, I just didn't want to be alone.

But I was. I was alone. and it was all your fault. I faced the past, the present, and the impending future like the bombing of dresden and not only were you and your bed gone but you didn't even want to face the aftermath.

You were so wrapped up in your money problems and losing your house and I tried so much to help but you couldn't see that. You were so blind. I was losing every good thing inside of me. I can't seem to get it back.

I'm a completely different person now. I've left behind everything I was, everyone that was apart of that. But I still cry for you. I still miss you. And I think it's too late to ever get it back...

Post my Secret

Dear Man,

I'm writing this more for myself than for you.

Everything has cleared and I'm aware of everything that went on between us with new light. And ever since I have remembered it. Ever since I have realized it I cannot stop thinking about it. Day and night. Before I go to bed, inbetween classes, before work, and sometimes even during sex.

I want you to know that I do not forgive. And even worse, I cannot seem to forgive myself.

I have never been so ashamed of anything in my life. I have never wanted to be able to convince myself more that it wasn't my fault because my rational self realizes it and the res of me does not.

I have fallen into a depression. It fades in and out and I have resorted abusing everyone whose never abused me.

I have prided myself for so long on being the kind of person that wishes no others bad things. no matter what. Partly because I believe so strongly in the power of wishes and partly because I think every situation should be approached with the willingness to understand. But I understand as much as I can. And I fully believe in the wish I am about to put into words.

I wish you would die. Right here and right now. forever. Perhaps not painfully. But I want your existance to cease. I want to have the security that you'll never hurt anyone again. Because I don't trust you not to hurt anyone else. I want you to never have another relationship. To never meet another girl. To never have the oppurtunity to be your truly base self.

I have not yet iterated on paper or to other people exactly what has happened. And sometimes I'm afraid I never will. I am silent out of convenience. out of fear of people's reactions. but mostly out of shame. embarresment. guilt. and self hatred.

But I am a girl that was born with an open heart and free emotions. and keeping this from the ones that I love and knowing that no other souls know.... makes me so alone.

This secret has forced my distance and forced my estrangement.

I hate you. But mostly I hate you because the ways I've learned to hate myself.

I see through everything you did to me. And meeting you could be possibly the worst thing that's happened so far in my short life.

I do not forgive you. And I hope that you'll learn to change. But I doubt you have that sort of strength or courage.

Always,

Sydney

Reconciliation

I'm a woman of secrets and begging. I've thrown it all away. thrown it all away. "for you" she says.

There's a certain sort of secret that I shouldn't have ever committed.

And he can't forgive and she can't give up. He can't forgive and she can't give up.

And her feet pound into the cement, in the middle of roads in the middle of nights. She goes through the streets back and forth, waeving. Leaving a trail of screams behind her. She runs until her body is red and swollen. She disregards it. She's running and running. and by roadside her legs throw a thousand spindly shadows. She can't breathe and she runs harder.

A punishment she'll suffer for days.

And her body can't take the pain. and she vomits. and vomits. thinks "i don't want this in me anymore" but she's taken nothing in. She's dry now. dry now.

She's waiting on him. Can't give up. Begs for days. cries into phones.

there are things she won't tell you because she's ashamed.

I don't want to have to remember anymore. I don't want to remember anything about us anymore. I don't want to think about the gifts. or the days. i don't want to think about the vacations and trips. the souvenirs and the letters. I don't want to think about the songs. or the nights. I don't want to think about the sex. or your body. I don't want your lips. I don't want your hands. I don't to have to think about you each and every breath I take.

And most of all I don't want to think about everything we said the other night. I don't want to think of the way your body shakes when you sob. I don't want to remember shunning you. or being afraid. I don't want to remember that fear. I don't want to think of how sincere i was in ever moment. or how hard i've tried. I don't want it. I don't want any of it.

But I don't have a choice. Because i do. I do to all of it.

And i want. just so badly. so. so. so. badly. More than my pain.

But for your pain to stop.

We Fail and Drown

In a world as fragile as ours there is no sense of time.

We have no history. we have no culture. We have no stories to tell or lessons to learn.

There is only you and i. With our hands chapped and covered with salt. With our lips burnt and aching for water. Only us trying to forge a light. to force a life.

She jerks herself off until she cries in frustration. cries in grief. This is a friction of another kind. They no longer have a fire.

We are primitive beasts hunting our prey. We have no breasts and we pull our bow strings hard. There is dirt in our hair because that's the way it was meant to be. There is roughness to our hands. because that's the way we were meant to be. And we listen to the heartbeat of the world and we never go off track. We hunt like humanity and feel the blood along arms. there's blood on us everywhere. We are guilty of the murder. We are guilty of the stain. Their eyes fear us. even in the dark.

We are creatures to dip and curl in effortless grace. in courtship dances. in a ritual for mates. twisting hand, twisting necks. It's painful and it reaches into her soul. This is birth. This is death. This is the moment we all remember to forget.

And from the darkness we come screaming. in the darkness we cum screaming. And it's dry and painful and we pull away with tenderness in regards to only our pain. No sympathy for the other. the attacker. the protector. the love and fighter. the hunter and prey. the ones without the title being so lost in life and never feeling right. never feeling right.

Our scars are signs of obscenities and it's too far in. too far gone. we'll never make this just again. We will never be justified again.

We have lost all sense of time. In each other at a point. in our misery at another.

And now we must come up for air. to see the world. and as we fail we drown. as we fail we drown.

Slowly

Today I stopped myself from doing something because i realized it wouldn't make me feel any better.

See, i'm not always self destructive.

Confessions

I Hate you. I hate how you can hurt me. How you always do. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

There are times i wish i could scream it at you all night long. Until my voice is raw. Until there are no tears left in me.

I hate you.

I Hate you.

How could you hurt me like this. How could you do this to me. what did i ever do to deserve this. what did i ever do that has made me so awful.

I hate you for reasons i'll never tell anyone. Because everyone will look down on me for it.

I hate you for making me ashamed of myself. Of the things i hold inside of me.

I make jokes of it. I make fun of it. BUt i am so hurt i can barely breathe at times. I am so hurt that it hurts me to be alive.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

You nothing. You selfish. You lousy. You Useless. You Coward. Liar. I hate you.

Your weakness i hate. you lack of passion i hate. your death i hate. I hate you. I hate you.



and no matter what anyone says this will never be ok again. I will be ok but this, this will never mend.




I hate you for that.

Not To Hear it Back

And with wet between her legs
and an ache inside

something deeper deeper
something further in, further in.

She waited all day.
all night.
and the next day,
the next day.

Just for the sound of your voice.

Just to say that she loved you,
not to hear it back.

We replaced all that sad
with hope.

and then you walked away.

She's waiting on you.

After weeks of nightmares
after weeks with your jewels around her neck

like weights. like promises.
Like guilt she wore it,
everyday
begging sorry.

and she holds no resentment.
just a "please."

She doesn't sleep nights
for checking blue lights and dreaming hands.

She doesn't stay in bed mornings
for clicking keyboards and empty inboxes.

The distance doesn't hurt.
She doesn't hurt.

She learned from secret lovers
how to never let the dissapoint
sink.

Let's make more lists
let's make more lists.

that way,

we'll never forget.

Wanna be the Bastard of Yourself

Here's a sweet little story.

There was once a little girl. her mother was molested. It was her future child by twenty years fault.

There one was a little girl. Her sister was molested. It was her future sister by ten years fault.

There was once a family that always fought like monsters eating one another's hearts. No one walked away whole.

The only one that remained untouched and ignored was this little girl. All of this was her fault.

They left her one by one. away from everythign that was so terrible. they left her alone to take it all on herself.

at night she would think: "it's all my fault. it's all my fault. they don't love me because they can't save me. they can't save me because i'm terrbile." and she never cried.

At night there was darkness and things she never understood. like a mommy being raped and feeling the bed shake with it. like porn on a tv and feeling the bed shake with it.

never touched. ignored. all her fault. all her fault.

well she's crying now. you're all yelling now. no one will see how much she's carried. no one will see how much she doesn't want to.

she bleeds the blame away in porcelin bathtub and creamy marble and dreams of grey smoggy cities.

She wants away now. wants to leave now. they're happy now. happy without her now.

Alone. alone. she's always alone. She wants to leave here, be alone on her own terms. alone where their anger can't touch her.

Moved cars and broken windshields. cut hair in unnoticable places. fuck. dick. bastard. dirty words in songs and she's crying while he's eating and why is he leaving her. the only one who's cared is leaving her.

She doesn't care now. doesn't care now. doesn't want to be loved now. doesn't want to love now.

dull scissors. dirty laundry. pink trees and lit wreaths.

Can you save her now? is she worth it now?