The Science of Sleep

I'm doing it again, I know it.

This time I'm so aware of it, of how bad I'm being, that it's making me sick.

It's like I have this secret sort of life. My real life and my pretend one. Except I know there are repercussions of my pretend one in my real life. If anyone knew the crimes I commit everything would fall apart.

I'm so afraid of being burnt. I'm so afraid of being caught. I'm so afraid of myself that it's making me sick.

My stomach hurts, I feel like I can't breathe. I can't seem to calibrate myself to my real life. As if I've forgotten which one is which.

I feel captured in my dreams and when I wake to find a cold reality, I'm breathing underwater. I feel the pressure amount around me, my body raises rebellion.

I'm so lost right now. I'm so lost.

In real life I've grown so distant and depressed that being caught in my dream world is easier. I don't want to be here. I don't want to feel these things.

I don't know if I'm running or I just want to.

I'm completely unaware of what's going on around me or what's going on inside of me. Nothing is making any sense.

I'm so scattered. I feel pulled and panicked. I feel caught. stuck. withdrawn.

Last night I had a dream I was dancing, I remember every step. For the first time for as long as I can remember I felt something inside of me that once defined me. I think it was beauty. I didn't care for anything. For anything outside of those movements. I wasn't lost for once, I found myself. Like something was coursing through me, from fingertip to fingertip, through my heart and every inch of me. It was like I was suddenly released from a vacuum and the air stopped crushing me. Like my heart was beating. Like my lungs were growing. Like everything inside of me was growing. growing. growing outwards. Like I wasn't trapped anymore.

I don't know what makes me feel more alive: my dreams or my actual life.
I don't know what makes me more afraid: my life or my dreams.

Which haunts me more?

Either way, I can't seem to exist only in one. I can't seem to find myself in either one. Sleeping or awake I feel dislodged. I feel I should be in some other sort of world. No matter where I am I feel lost.

"If you don't take the world who will?" he says.

Cheating heart i am.

THe music was loud and all i could hear was my breathing. he leaned in. tasted of salty sweat. his lip in my mouth. I breathed him. what are you doing?

two in 24 hours. a record. I hope i never forget the way it feels in his arms. i know i will.

come home past midnight i wish for him. his voice is tired. i hang up. don't tell the secret.

i've kissed someone else.

i shouldn't have. i'm not ready yet. not ready yet.

what am i doing? what the hell am i doing?!

i cry the whole way home because i can't love enough. my love is not enough.

If he won't take my world, who will?

Party Days to Party Nights

So it's 3:30 in the morning and i finally get to bed. Wanna hear a good story?

Adolfo and I go clubbing. The crib. good times or whatever. They've got this lit floor which is amusing all of 5 seconds. And i can't seem to figure out if i've been to the club before but it was slightly remodeled or if it's a diffferent club entirely.

Either way, We're dancing and it's great. shaky start but in like two seconds we're both having fun.

And note to any guy that wants to dance with a girl: Don't do that whoel creepy "i'm gonna come from behind. just rub myself against her ass and expect her to respond" thing. Like i said. It's creepy and ugly. And the gross factor grows exponentially if you've got a RAGING boner and the beat isn't fast enough so you're rubbing your nice hard on slowly against her ass with the thought of "yea? you like that. you want that. oh yea." Yea. bad bad bad idea. Wanna dance with her? here's an idea... Look around first. Is she dancing with anyone? does it look like a significant other? no? good. Then make eye contact. smile. that's always good. don't give a skeevy look like you might eat her. Just smile a normal one. And then approach. Dance a little. IN THE FRONT! if she seems to like you, seems to want it, or turns around herself, don't try it. Its gross and lame. And that's the end of my rant.

So we leave at around 1:45 cause being the fatty i am i was STARVED to death.

I'll take this time out to describe what i'm wearing. It's a baby blue long sleeve "knit top." that means it's like a thin thermal. And it buttons part ways up the front. And along the really really really low neckline are shiny glittering things. And so i leave it unbuttoned completely exposing my black lacy bra. I have on jeans, black tennis shoes, and a black ribbon lace choker. Sexy, right? Equpied for cold? maybe not so much...

Well, we go outside and lo and behold we have QUITE the surprise waiting for us. My windshield is smashed. completely shattered. It doesn't go all the way through so much as it was extremely pushed in and the whole thing spidered out. It's a very nice, clean, almost pretty smash. Dirt/footprints on the hood. Cute, really.

Isn't that fun? But nothing was stolen so i can be really happy about that. Especially that my car wasn't stolen itself. that'd be pretty crappy.

So we called the police to report it but they said they didn't care. OK, maybe not in so many words but that smashed windshields happen so often that they're not gonna send anyone out but if we wanted to report it that badly we can go to the station.

Yea, get there in my non visible windshield. Logical.

So the next calls belong to, in this order, AAA (I think it's funner to say triple A rather than AAA when typing), My sister, and Adam.

Tow truck comes. Adam comes. Hurrah. I love my boyfriend he saved me and is wonderful and awesome and not just cause he left his house at 2 in the morning but because he just is. and he bought my present today. And he never complains that i'm awful almost half the time. But that's another story!

So i get home at 2:30. and come here to talk about it. exciting, i know. I'm still absolutely famished. I have no car for who kknows how longs.

Summation of the night: a lot of fun clubbing. last final was this afternoon. Am mega mega mega tired. whole body sore from too much dancing. car fucked. tow truck adventures. Adolfo rocks times 3. and adam times 4. I suck times 5.

MWAH!

Savage Seduction

With straight hair, dark eyes and lace along her breasts she'll seduce you. Purr in your ear, rub along your legs, your body. The sweet smell of her will drift into your system until she's all you breathe, until you can't breathe any longer. She'll make you jealous, drive you wild, make you crazy. For her.

With diamonds in her eyes, in her hair (on her fingers, around her neck) you'll die for her. She'll slip her hands beneath your layers, pull you out. Make you feel heaven. For once. For always. Her lips are full and red and she'll place them on your neck. Behind your ear. Slipping out sighs and sweet melody moans. Down your chest. Down your hips. To your lips again. You won't be able to contain yourself.

And then we can call it love. Then we can call it loud music and crowded places and secret smiles the whole world can see.

Then we can call it dancing.