I Do

I'm ready. I'm young and over eager and incredibly illogically idealistic. I've gotmy head in the clouds and i usually thing mistakes are the best choices of my life.

But i mean it. I really do. I feel silly and girlish and over demanding. I'm ridiculous and typical and maybe even stupid. I'm typical and wrong. But no doubts. no take backs. I mean it.

And because it's dawned on me that I know that I want and that i see the path I want to take. And because I feel like i'm ready...

I feel like I'm waiting. And it's like everyone gets what they want and I'm waiting.

And it's that much harder. It's harder.



But maybe it's even worth it.







(I Hope he realizes. I hope he's ready too.)

Chapters

The date went by casually and pretty low key. Which is more than perfect. A little anticlimatic given how crazy nervous I got but good nonetheless.

I'd hate to get involved with someone right now. what with adam coming home...

I know we won't get back together. I know we've both been hurting too much.

ANd i'm not sure if i'm ready to forgive. I was at one point... But i'm not sure anymore...

And I know he's been hurt too much. in his ways. in his silence.

But at the same time I know we love each other. Love each other more than we understand. I know he has this belief inside of him that says we were meant to be together. And if it doesn't work now then we'll find each other again. And i know that I will never love like i've loved him...

But that's not enough.

So much has happened. So many mistakes have been made. SO many accusations and cries.

We're supposed to see each other at midnight on friday, the night he gets back.

What do we really expect will happen so late? What will really happen?

I was hoping that a couple of days after he got home he'd want to catch a late lunch inbetween my classes. At least we'd have somethign to do. But what will we do? I'll go to his house and see the places we used to love each other in.

I almost want to force him to live his life conscious of where I used to be and am no longer. I wanted to give him a handful of days or weeks or months to see where i once stood. To feel the loss of me.

But that's unfair. childish, i know.

But he'll have his cake. eat it too. Have me too.

Will we hug? will we kiss? will I cry?

I know what i'll say now. I've practiced. I need him to make a choice. I'm making this black and white. yes or no. Because this inbetween ground is what hurts us both the most. I need him to tell me that he loves me. And if he loves me then we can work it out. We'll hate each other sometimes and it'll hurt... But what's one bad day in reference to a month? and what's a month to a year? and what's a year to an entire lifetime? What's one bad step compared the millions of good ones we'll take along the way?

and the only other choice will be if he doesn't love me enough. I doubt he can say that he's 100% free of love from me givenour history but... He needs to gauge what is and isn't enough. It's time i made clear what is and isn't enough. And if he can't love me enough then that's ok. because i've been so alone now that it won't be too hard to adjust. WE can go our seperate ways, have our seperate lives and forge whatever it is that will make up happiest.

But I just need to know. no more inbetween times. no more fear time. dread times.

It's Love or Not Love enough. and i've made my choice. I know what i want from him and from myself. he needs to figure out what he wants because i can't drag myself along like this forever.

He's home in 5 days. monday. tuesday. wednesday. thursday. friday. How will I be able to stand it? I'll try to keep myself busy but apparently that'll be difficult given my busy factor the past two weeks...

Whispered Prayers

There's a sort of ache here. A sort of sigh that's unwanted.

I've had this sort of plan for myself. these goals. And i know now, more so than i ever have that it's ok to go off schedule. It's ok to stop myself and lag behind my intentions. It's ok to breathe and feel beauty.

That's what i keep telling myself.

But with this it cannot. It cannot wait. it cannot be put off. If i can't complete this then i can no longer have faith in myself. I call to you not as someone seeking pity, but as someone that wants you to understand, you my reader, whether faithful or not. If i do not meet this deadline than all of this has been for nothing.

I can't stay here any longer. I can't wither here anymore.

For the first time in a long time i'm having fun. i'm laughing. and smiling. and joking. And I don't cry anymore. these are my friends. i know that now. they are worth it. this is my family. they will wait.

But i can't anymore. i can't stay caged. i can't stay tied. I can no longer look at the thinsg that say his face and push away the memories of the dead. This is the End.

Summer must come and i will have graduated. I will have transfered. I will be moving on. No matter what it takes.

A girl with the attitude of a feline and the fragility of a small bird leaps in the air. Her body twirls, her wings stretch, her legs extend. The sun catches in her hair and for a moment she is golden. for a moment she is exactly who she was meant to be.

She's Done.

She's done this before. Closed you off before.

Here now, she'll do it again. fail in a week or two.

You're never there. she's always waiting. She needs no one. She needs no one.

Long weekend house bound with no car and no friends.

Tired. They're so sweet. So sweet.

There was a movie where she ate too much opium and her death was somewhat beautiful. She has few moments where she wishes for things like that.

One of them is now.