Family party at mine tonight.

anyone up for some Lichon?

what's that you ask? well.. it's a pig. a huge, grown, but dead and cooked pig. It's all laid out in all it's roasted glory. The snout is there, all four legs, the little crispy tail. It's eyes, it's ears, the whole Shabang. Honestly, it grosses me out a bit but i guess i shouldn't say that since it IS traditional blah blah blah.

People are just now starting to get here and i'm torn between the urges to pretend to be asleep and ignore ALL of them, or go upstairs and be bitter and mean all night.... Either way, i know i'll get shit for it later. I **would** try to be amiable and such but uhm... uhhh... NO.

WHY SHOULD I BE!?? it's not like any of THEM care or like me. See, in my family all the aunts and uncles took favorites, the nephews or neices they liked best. I was never one of them therefore i grew up bitter and hateful that no one liked me best. Do we all see how that has been carried on into my adolescence and become a major personal complex? well, i do. and it isn't that i blame them, i don't. I mean, it's their actions and merely my responces. I should try to keep them in check and what not. But idon't. So, either way i don't like much about my family.

I guess i'll stop being mean and pretend to be happy upstairs fo r amoment or two. Cuase, that's what i do. I'm incredibly cheery and sociable for about an hour and then it begins to get to me and i start to tweak out so i seclude myself and mope.

Typical, isn't it?

Hello, My name is Misery...

It's late now and after tonight i'm rather tired. I haven't been sleeping well, haven't been doing anything well. And i'm tired. so tired. But it's a nice feeling... So cold and so tired i can't feel all of this inside me. Blocks it out, makes it managable, makes it bearable until the morning when my heart breaks the news to my brain and i shut myself down.

It's like the clock is ticking down and the fight keeps raging. I'm losing. I'm losing.

I'm losing it all and it's time for breakdown. meltdown. Time for corners and tears and blood and all those razors you put away so long ago. Time for resolutions, for midnight calls, for drives to destinations unknown.

I've had enough of your promises, i don't care if they're sincere. Shut your eyes and don't whisper one more word.