I'm not going to ask because I'm not ready for the answer.
I'm going to stop myself because i've never been able to distance from you but you've always been able to from me.
That is no fault on your part. only mine.
Close my eyes. Close my eyes. Close my eyes.
This no longer exists. This doubt is imaginary.
I won't say a word any longer. not to you. not a slip. not an implication.
I'm not ready for the truth.
Even not hearing it i'm scared and hurt. By you.
I know you'll agree with him. I know you'll tell me.
My insecurities are far too great for friendship.
for dependance.
step back. step back. step back.
Where do i stand? what do i say?
I'll hold myself a moment longer and then i'll walk away.
Then i'll walk away and you'll simply be another one i'll always miss.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Monday, October 03, 2005
Love Letter to My Laura
She's scared. So scared.
and she thought about you all night. How you're beautiful and sometimes she'll want to cry when she thinks how you said they love only out of saddness.
Maybe that is it.
But love is love all the same, isn't it?
She figured it out. Why they could never stay too close always. She saw it last time you were together. She saw you out of the corner of her eye looking out the window. You were both silent in a fearful misery.
You know what it was? You just couldn't ever let go. neither could she.
You saw each other too clearly. knew what was behind every smile. what was the true meaning of every laugh. knew that if you believed in karma you'd understand that for every time one loved in public they truly hated in private. That's why.
Let's drop all pretenses.
When I was with other people I could forget who i was. Forget about it. let it go. let it go. let myself go. Let everything i knew i was go. Leave it behind. For nights at a time i could go screaming. loving. crazying. For so long i could abandon what was inside of me. I could ignore my heart. And of course that was wonderful. of course that was fun. But with you, you were too much of myself. Looking at you was mirror like.
I fucking love you. there is NO denying that.
But sometimes i'm afraid of the power you have over me that you don't even realize. That you don't even realize.
Sitting there in the car with you, mostly quiet with sad songs to fill the air it was alway more hurtful. it was always such misery.
But not because of you.
Because of me. I could be truly be myself. The deepest darkest scariest parts of myself fully realized. and that isn't a bad thing.
People think we bring one another down. Feed off of one another's depression. But i don't think that's what it is at all... that with each other, we no longer had to hide.
And for that I thank you. As affectionately as i can muster. I am grateful. For every moment i was angry at you. that you were angry at me. that i was sad because of you and you because of me. for all the tears we shed and all the blood too. For everytime we "vented" about each other but were really talking shit. every time you hurt me. and well, not for the times i hurt you cause that i can say i truly regret. But for everything. everything. everything. Thank you for hating me. and thank you for the times i hated you.
Because through it all, all, through it all i loved you.
And it's been a different kind of love than i've had with anyone else.
and she thought about you all night. How you're beautiful and sometimes she'll want to cry when she thinks how you said they love only out of saddness.
Maybe that is it.
But love is love all the same, isn't it?
She figured it out. Why they could never stay too close always. She saw it last time you were together. She saw you out of the corner of her eye looking out the window. You were both silent in a fearful misery.
You know what it was? You just couldn't ever let go. neither could she.
You saw each other too clearly. knew what was behind every smile. what was the true meaning of every laugh. knew that if you believed in karma you'd understand that for every time one loved in public they truly hated in private. That's why.
Let's drop all pretenses.
When I was with other people I could forget who i was. Forget about it. let it go. let it go. let myself go. Let everything i knew i was go. Leave it behind. For nights at a time i could go screaming. loving. crazying. For so long i could abandon what was inside of me. I could ignore my heart. And of course that was wonderful. of course that was fun. But with you, you were too much of myself. Looking at you was mirror like.
I fucking love you. there is NO denying that.
But sometimes i'm afraid of the power you have over me that you don't even realize. That you don't even realize.
Sitting there in the car with you, mostly quiet with sad songs to fill the air it was alway more hurtful. it was always such misery.
But not because of you.
Because of me. I could be truly be myself. The deepest darkest scariest parts of myself fully realized. and that isn't a bad thing.
People think we bring one another down. Feed off of one another's depression. But i don't think that's what it is at all... that with each other, we no longer had to hide.
And for that I thank you. As affectionately as i can muster. I am grateful. For every moment i was angry at you. that you were angry at me. that i was sad because of you and you because of me. for all the tears we shed and all the blood too. For everytime we "vented" about each other but were really talking shit. every time you hurt me. and well, not for the times i hurt you cause that i can say i truly regret. But for everything. everything. everything. Thank you for hating me. and thank you for the times i hated you.
Because through it all, all, through it all i loved you.
And it's been a different kind of love than i've had with anyone else.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
A Very Bitter Entry I'll Regret Later On
Well hello kids and welcome to the Sydney Show.
Yup, comes up about once a month where sydney is raging bitch and rants about pointless crap that bothers her.
try this one on for size... sometimes i want to go into detail about how he fucks me. How i love it. How he always knows where to put his hands and he can make me cum. cum. cum. cum. cum for days.
and it isn't even just fucking. it's LOVING. fits just right, doesn't it. Because things can get so passionate i'm moaning before he even touches me.
sounds like fun. doesn't it.
oh, and by the way, to a she. I hate you. I fucking hate you. You're unfair and mean and awful. and so what if i'm all of those things too. So what.
hey guys? yea in a couple of days i'm getting a new phone number. Don't expect to get it if there's an offchance i'm ready to cut you out of my life.
Cause there most definately comes a time when you really truly appreciate the people that bring security or happiness or anything worthwhile into your life. Cause i can say that I fucking love whole heartedly a handful of people that really do a lot for me. And i can also say that there're people that i have let bring me down for far too long. far. too. long.
and it's time for that to stop.
Yup, comes up about once a month where sydney is raging bitch and rants about pointless crap that bothers her.
try this one on for size... sometimes i want to go into detail about how he fucks me. How i love it. How he always knows where to put his hands and he can make me cum. cum. cum. cum. cum for days.
and it isn't even just fucking. it's LOVING. fits just right, doesn't it. Because things can get so passionate i'm moaning before he even touches me.
sounds like fun. doesn't it.
oh, and by the way, to a she. I hate you. I fucking hate you. You're unfair and mean and awful. and so what if i'm all of those things too. So what.
hey guys? yea in a couple of days i'm getting a new phone number. Don't expect to get it if there's an offchance i'm ready to cut you out of my life.
Cause there most definately comes a time when you really truly appreciate the people that bring security or happiness or anything worthwhile into your life. Cause i can say that I fucking love whole heartedly a handful of people that really do a lot for me. And i can also say that there're people that i have let bring me down for far too long. far. too. long.
and it's time for that to stop.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
A List of Completely Unrelated Thoughts
She feels vulgar surrounded by sweet sounding girls. She holds her tounge. Isolationism.
In the back row again, head against desk, a nightmare comes.
their hands are furious and she's aching for him.
Her body rocked to no rhythm and she watched the world move around her.
Everything went in slow motion. at sixty miles an hour. The sound of the road too loud for conversation.
Peices of red around her neck like glass. like love. like attempts at "ok."
Wet Chair, wet hair, her light brown hair and it's softness.
She planned a talk all night and instead gave him head. Wonderfully. beautifully.
falling or forcing.
sister to sister talks and a new realization.
regression amongst high heels and tank tops. 13 years, she thinks. 13 years gone.
Thrown desk, drowning anger, a dragon never found. weakness in it's place.
A hole as consequence of fucking instead of fixing.
Dark chocolate cake, sweet and moist that makes her heart ache.
Boys yelling from car windows and she feels appreciated.
Another begging long distance for stories and phone sex and then emotional break throughs.
Another with white flowers on in days and sweet kisses, backrubs, trying for love again. They still love each other but are no longer loving.
She wants to feel whole again.
She considers crying for the first time since reunion. Now, the first time after late night car exchanges of love. She moaned for his pleasure. She gave for her own.
A bit of him swallowed. A bit of his life that's hers forever. The taste still coating her mouth.
She finally tells him the moment she knew she loved him and he doesn't remember.
She comes home, shirt in hand.
Doesn't call back. Doesn't well wish. Not her habit But she shrugs it away.
She wanted to tell him that she loved him and instead saw another.
"the night is young" she thinks and they act like adults carefully placing each item of clothing neatly. Where they'll remember for later on.
Only 30 minutes wasted.
The moment he's done is the the moment he closes. Pulls up, protected. She almost likes it better that way.
She still wishes for nights in his arms and comfort. But only a little because she can't take the pain.
No gain.
She wants to weep to your love but she feels too needy to call, instead reads your blog. She Loves you.
She envisions herself beautiful in white and is suddenly afraid that if they die together no one will know her death wishes.
At night she goes home, undresses, holds a stuffed animal and sleeps. like a child. With inanimate softness as consolation. She's afraid and for the first time in her life uses a comfort objest. Shame.
No Money, No gas, and Nothing to wear.
She never got to tell anyone of her breaking moment against white marble with the background retching. She didn't tell of her break apart. But it's over now.
Her eyes feel dry and she closes them. Closes them. Closes them. She closes.
In the back row again, head against desk, a nightmare comes.
their hands are furious and she's aching for him.
Her body rocked to no rhythm and she watched the world move around her.
Everything went in slow motion. at sixty miles an hour. The sound of the road too loud for conversation.
Peices of red around her neck like glass. like love. like attempts at "ok."
Wet Chair, wet hair, her light brown hair and it's softness.
She planned a talk all night and instead gave him head. Wonderfully. beautifully.
falling or forcing.
sister to sister talks and a new realization.
regression amongst high heels and tank tops. 13 years, she thinks. 13 years gone.
Thrown desk, drowning anger, a dragon never found. weakness in it's place.
A hole as consequence of fucking instead of fixing.
Dark chocolate cake, sweet and moist that makes her heart ache.
Boys yelling from car windows and she feels appreciated.
Another begging long distance for stories and phone sex and then emotional break throughs.
Another with white flowers on in days and sweet kisses, backrubs, trying for love again. They still love each other but are no longer loving.
She wants to feel whole again.
She considers crying for the first time since reunion. Now, the first time after late night car exchanges of love. She moaned for his pleasure. She gave for her own.
A bit of him swallowed. A bit of his life that's hers forever. The taste still coating her mouth.
She finally tells him the moment she knew she loved him and he doesn't remember.
She comes home, shirt in hand.
Doesn't call back. Doesn't well wish. Not her habit But she shrugs it away.
She wanted to tell him that she loved him and instead saw another.
"the night is young" she thinks and they act like adults carefully placing each item of clothing neatly. Where they'll remember for later on.
Only 30 minutes wasted.
The moment he's done is the the moment he closes. Pulls up, protected. She almost likes it better that way.
She still wishes for nights in his arms and comfort. But only a little because she can't take the pain.
No gain.
She wants to weep to your love but she feels too needy to call, instead reads your blog. She Loves you.
She envisions herself beautiful in white and is suddenly afraid that if they die together no one will know her death wishes.
At night she goes home, undresses, holds a stuffed animal and sleeps. like a child. With inanimate softness as consolation. She's afraid and for the first time in her life uses a comfort objest. Shame.
No Money, No gas, and Nothing to wear.
She never got to tell anyone of her breaking moment against white marble with the background retching. She didn't tell of her break apart. But it's over now.
Her eyes feel dry and she closes them. Closes them. Closes them. She closes.
