Go ahead, continue your life without me. I have without you. I am without you.
Go ahead and take your friends who never really knew how to care for you to our beach. Build them homes. Build them your art. In ways you've never done for me.
Go ahead, Offer them the benefits of the feelings i planted. Look at the sky, it's beautiful. Look at the ocean. beautiful.

I'm not benig full of myself when i say i taught you that.

So go ahead, be an asshole. Do what you need.

This is what i need. I hate you. I want you to know that i hate you. I am so angry at you. And for the first time i realized you've never seen how angry i could be.

THere's a light smell of him on me. hugging and kissing but always only mostly talking. About odd things. things i've never talked with anyone about. things no one's ever bothered to answer.

I know he's not interested in me. i know i need someone to love me. always love me.

tomorrow morning adam will crawl into bed with me and i'll hold him and mean it. feel guilty. always guilty, i am.

saturday night we'll play just friends in front of all my friends, never touch. a look here and there. i'll feel guilty. always guilty.

I'll cry both days. perhaps from frustration perhaps anger. perhaps fear.

mostly self pity.

I wouldn't ever make him happy. Nor i.

Needless to Say:

oh. my. god.

I woke up slightly sad, verge of tears, aching body. Hips: like I danced all night.

Instead there's sand on my jeans soaked with salt past my knees.

Dreams of trouble: boys and erotica. Feel guilty by morning.

GoldDust

Smells of foreign fires put out with murky sad while a partially full moon rang high. "Go strongly," she whispered, full face reflecting in the waves. soothing sand washing over burning fingers and abuse that's unaccounted.

Somewhere in the back of my mind i'm remembering that he forgot to say he loves me. Forgot. Mistake. don't worry, it was made nonetheless.

and arm around her neck and she's dying for it. To have him pull her close, close, lying on the sand. To have his full body wrapped around hers. to feel her face against his.

She doesn't think of kissing him. can't imagine it.

isn't ready for that sort of thing yet.

The drive home more silent, goodbye is strained, his eyes are flirtatious and in the mirror later in teh night she'll realize how much of a cat she plays.

Frightened she nuzzles him. "just comforted." he says. walks away. It wasn't her he was petting.

Whispered Prayers

There's a sort of ache here. A sort of sigh that's unwanted.

I've had this sort of plan for myself. these goals. And i know now, more so than i ever have that it's ok to go off schedule. It's ok to stop myself and lag behind my intentions. It's ok to breathe and feel beauty.

That's what i keep telling myself.

But with this it cannot. It cannot wait. it cannot be put off. If i can't complete this then i can no longer have faith in myself. I call to you not as someone seeking pity, but as someone that wants you to understand, you my reader, whether faithful or not. If i do not meet this deadline than all of this has been for nothing.

I can't stay here any longer. I can't wither here anymore.

For the first time in a long time i'm having fun. i'm laughing. and smiling. and joking. And I don't cry anymore. these are my friends. i know that now. they are worth it. this is my family. they will wait.

But i can't anymore. i can't stay caged. i can't stay tied. I can no longer look at the thinsg that say his face and push away the memories of the dead. This is the End.

Summer must come and i will have graduated. I will have transfered. I will be moving on. No matter what it takes.

A girl with the attitude of a feline and the fragility of a small bird leaps in the air. Her body twirls, her wings stretch, her legs extend. The sun catches in her hair and for a moment she is golden. for a moment she is exactly who she was meant to be.

"If you don't take the world who will?" he says.

Cheating heart i am.

THe music was loud and all i could hear was my breathing. he leaned in. tasted of salty sweat. his lip in my mouth. I breathed him. what are you doing?

two in 24 hours. a record. I hope i never forget the way it feels in his arms. i know i will.

come home past midnight i wish for him. his voice is tired. i hang up. don't tell the secret.

i've kissed someone else.

i shouldn't have. i'm not ready yet. not ready yet.

what am i doing? what the hell am i doing?!

i cry the whole way home because i can't love enough. my love is not enough.

If he won't take my world, who will?

How Much Do We Close Our Eyes To?

Monday Never Came

On tuesday he said he loved me and the rain never came.

He explains details and his hands move. His hands have always been beautiful.

I came to the conclusion that beauty only stems from love. He is my basic.

He says,
"Everything you want to do, anything. What i teach you now are the basics. You'll need this to build. to create."

He might as well be saying,
"If ou want to create anything you'll need me."

Him with his beautiful hands.
His self expression never included me.
That's ok. It didn't need to. Or so i keep telling myself.

Come wednesday the stars in midnight whisper selfish.
The ocean purrs.
Desserts say "pleasure awaits you at the seashore."
Sweet rewards say "No greater gift than love."

I know how to put his thoughts into words better than he does.
I want to teach them to him.
Depth. Perception. Passion.

I stare at our language barrier.
Both on paper. One charcoal. the other pencil.
The same form.

One with fears. one with dreams.

On thursday he packs.
ON friday he leaves.
Saturday we celebrate with fake smiles and tear spiked laughs.

Sunday we mourn. All in black. broken heart. He'll always be beautiful. I Love you. I'm sorry.

the power is off. the candles are lit. secrets in dictionaries. coughing through sleep.

sleeping pills vs. insomnia.

The city where i was born. the city where my soul was awakened.

The city of gold. echoing through my mind.



waiting to feel alive.