Life Plan

So, I've spent about half an hour going through the req.s to acquire an AA in english (my chosen major) at CSM. Therefore, I've mapped out the next year and a half (Two years?) of my life. Isn't that scary? I feel so grown up and so small all at once.

And I've thunked it out. An apartment in the city is, if lucky, $1,500 a month, if i could get two roomates and we each got paid about $9.50 an hour and worked 40 hours a week then it'd work out. The possibilites of that happening are pretty hard but hell, I can hope.

And THAT! is the plan for the next two years.

Voting

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

"And You Fell Hard On The Ground"

So! Yesterday adam, adolfo and i went to pleasenton to stone ridge mall for one real purpose.... Maria Mena.

The place was crawling, no wait, it was inundated with screaming, over baked, yucky little teeny bops. it was wretched. They all looked far too old. I saw what I thought was a grandmother, mother, and daughter. And was a little grossed out by all three. The little girl was dressed too old, the mother was dressed too young, and the grandmother looked a little botoxed. But i got closer only to realize that the Grandmother was really the mother and the mother and daughter? THey were sisters. She looked so incredibly old. And not even in the good kind of "i'm older therefore legal" way. BUt the bad, old way. She looked aged. And once again, not in the "been through a lot therefore wiser" aged but the bad wrinkled, been in too many cancer booths old. It was shocking. I don't think i've ever really been truly SHOCKED by such girls. it was really scary. i don't know why... she was just old and it scared me.

but ANY way! We saw Maria Mena, she was alright live, and then i got stuff signed. She messed up on my cd book thing so she gave me a picture thing. It was cool. i felt a little silly but it was still fun.

yay.

Oh god just shoot me.

schools good. people're good. stuff to do.

isn't it exciting?!

first day of school.

i've got about 4 hours of sleep, haven't had a real meal since my late lunch yesterday, but i *am* showered and ready.

i straightened my hair all uber nice like.

i forgot that if i try hard enough i could look pretty....

i've been reading this blog online about this random guy that i've never met.

it's so sad. i mean, it's not pathetic sad, or make me want to die sad, or go on a world crusade to end all problems every where sad... but... just sad.

I mean, he's so big man tough guy rough graphic horrid. but underneath all the words and in the side stories and in cute little parentheses he's just incredibly sad.

i guess i've always sorta been that way, though. a little too sympathetic.

i let it all get to me, i should stop, i know, i've heard it a million times.

but it's such a horrid place we live in and everyone seems so horribly miserable.

and there's nothign ANY one or every one can do about it.

things are sad. things are terribly sad. i shouldn't let it get to me but i do. and then i get obsessive yet i never do anything about it. i don't gain the cause as my own and fight for it.

i mean, if i did then i'd be one hell of a busy person. with everything on their back.

if i were a stronger person i would take it.

i'd stop eating meat and promote animal rights. i would become a social worker or police man and help children being abused. i would go to vets and adopt animals. i would stop wearing clothes that are made in inhumane conditions with child labor or sweat shops. i would become a doctor and help find cures for AIDS and cancer and i would be the shoulder to cry on for all that have lost. i would love everyone. i would do my best to stop drug activity and promote safe sex. i would make thousands of dollars and give it to people so people wouldn't have to feel the pains or being poor. i would grow my hair out and then cut it all off for wigs for people suffering chemo and i would make sure to be a donor and i would frequent hospitals to give my spare body parts to anyone that needed them. i would help agonized and lonely pop stars and struggling but real artists. i would read every book possible to always have the answer.


and through all of this i would never cry.

i would be real and wonderful and maybe, some one would think i had a shine or a specialness about me. maybe i'd be cannonized (sp?) or blessed or revered or some such thing.

too bad i'm no where close to everything i want to be.

“When you touch things you touch them as if they’re real.”

I didn’t understand what you meant. I still don’t. But I asked anyways. I wanted you to tell me it meant I stood out among millions. That it meant I was special. I wanted it to somehow mean that I had a sort of shine. that maybe, I was more human than all this wretched cattle. I wanted you to tell me it made everyone see me, that no one else could ever be what I was, that inside of me was a secret answer to some unspoken question, a certain way about me that maybe meant… that meant something, anything. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, was to know that maybe I meant something. But to who? But what? But I guess that doesn’t matter anymore…

I touched things as if they were real, does that mean I was real? Or that to me, the world was.

ew. you suck.

summer's almost over...

i've bought my books, all my supplies, even some new clothes...

as dorky as it sounds, i'm excited to start school. wary cause i'll have ASS loads of work to do... BUT, that's ok. and i know what classes i want to take in the spring. and then i'll take classes in the summer. and if all goes according to plan, maybe i'll get to do a semester in paris. wouldn't that be GREAT?

now, only a handful of things to thunk about.... 1) a job. must get. must do well. nnneeeeeeeddd money. 2) a new place to live. not that i have to. or that i'm going to like NOW, but... it's still there, back o' my mind. o0o and 3) 1 year. eeeks!

now if only i could a) find me some well fitting pants and b) FINALLY finish cleaning my room.

My singer emo kid for mine and Adam's band
Posted by Hello

10:20 and the rooms still cold. the sun hasn't come out, it never comes out until it's too late.

I told them all i want to hurt you. That i wanted to directly inflict the deepest pains i could. i wanted to push you and watch you fall.

I wasn't lying.

I want nothing more than to see the pain flash across your face, an uncontrollable earth shaking pain. I want to make you human. I want you to know what it feels like to be real.

Because you're fake.

Your full of lies and betrayals and manipulations.

I want to be over this and over you.

But I'm afraid i can't be until i see you hurt.

He loves me.

not you.

and i love him.

not you.

take that bitch.

i have bug bites EVERYWHERE!!

my arms, legs, stomach, feet, ankles, toes, wrists, hands, fingers, chest, my ass even. even on my lip. even my eyelid.

it's hell being this itchy.

blog change!