Heart-Sick

It's been a hard couple of weeks. First my dad was in the hospital for a week, then adam's grandfather passed away. Funeral business takes a couple of weeks.

And before these two weeks were two or 3 weeks of dog problems, that are still ongoing.

Before that it was nothing but life going nowhere post vacation blues.

Blues blues bluesing.

I'm heart sick.

Lately I've been feeling a bit stir crazy. I don't know what I want or where I want to go. i just don't want to be this and be here.

It's a mix between anxiety and the inability to breathe and panic and excitement. Over nothing.

I'm torn between tht fear and the need for somethign new and exciting. Sometimes I feel like I'm not prepared for the life I want.

That the difference between what I can do and can handle is too far from what I want and dream of doing. So, I'll never find some sort of happiness.

Holding My Breath.

Can you keep a secret?

I think I might be going. I think I might be going.

Almost 7 years later this is what I tell myself...

As much as I don't want to, something in me needs him and wants him. I can try to rationalize how much I don't as much as I want.

I need the fantasy, I need the pretend. I need to think that...

I need to pretend and fantasize that I can pretend and fantasize. It isn't ever ok, but I need it. I need it.