Post my Secret

Dear Man,

I'm writing this more for myself than for you.

Everything has cleared and I'm aware of everything that went on between us with new light. And ever since I have remembered it. Ever since I have realized it I cannot stop thinking about it. Day and night. Before I go to bed, inbetween classes, before work, and sometimes even during sex.

I want you to know that I do not forgive. And even worse, I cannot seem to forgive myself.

I have never been so ashamed of anything in my life. I have never wanted to be able to convince myself more that it wasn't my fault because my rational self realizes it and the res of me does not.

I have fallen into a depression. It fades in and out and I have resorted abusing everyone whose never abused me.

I have prided myself for so long on being the kind of person that wishes no others bad things. no matter what. Partly because I believe so strongly in the power of wishes and partly because I think every situation should be approached with the willingness to understand. But I understand as much as I can. And I fully believe in the wish I am about to put into words.

I wish you would die. Right here and right now. forever. Perhaps not painfully. But I want your existance to cease. I want to have the security that you'll never hurt anyone again. Because I don't trust you not to hurt anyone else. I want you to never have another relationship. To never meet another girl. To never have the oppurtunity to be your truly base self.

I have not yet iterated on paper or to other people exactly what has happened. And sometimes I'm afraid I never will. I am silent out of convenience. out of fear of people's reactions. but mostly out of shame. embarresment. guilt. and self hatred.

But I am a girl that was born with an open heart and free emotions. and keeping this from the ones that I love and knowing that no other souls know.... makes me so alone.

This secret has forced my distance and forced my estrangement.

I hate you. But mostly I hate you because the ways I've learned to hate myself.

I see through everything you did to me. And meeting you could be possibly the worst thing that's happened so far in my short life.

I do not forgive you. And I hope that you'll learn to change. But I doubt you have that sort of strength or courage.

Always,

Sydney