I spend so much time to see you, to leave you. I fill the silence and say all i wish i could really tell you. I whisper my secrets to the midnight sky while you sit in your room warm and happy with goodbye kisses.
I want to cry on your shoulder but instead i turn away.
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Thursday, July 29, 2004
PM): sydney, im sorry i told you that, i know it's kinnda a lot to put on a person but i mean, i think about it a lot im sorry i just felt like i needed to... i don't know sorry
0s : it's ok....
0s : i've taken much worst. heh, i'm a secret holder, a safe.
Who will hold mine? won't i ever find my savior? the one you told me could never love me? There's so much more between the lines, will you see it?
and laura, wanna know something? i've missed you all along.
0s : it's ok....
0s : i've taken much worst. heh, i'm a secret holder, a safe.
Who will hold mine? won't i ever find my savior? the one you told me could never love me? There's so much more between the lines, will you see it?
and laura, wanna know something? i've missed you all along.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Cry # 1:
I wanted to fall in love with portland. i wanted to be swept away by the city of roses.
isn't that such a pretty thought? The City of Roses.
I miss you too.
I almost forgot what it felt like just being with you. you, the only one whose ever known.
Cry #2:
It feels like the beginning of the end for us. and your cat and your mom and how much stupider could we have been?
But i love you too much to leave you. so i'll lay here and love this pain.
Cry #3:
who would have thought they could have such a perfect life without me. because they're all there, and i'm the only one who isn't. i know it was my own choice, i know i should have gone back.
but i didn't.
and now you've all realized how much you really don't need me. how our family is missing so much less when i'm not around.
I hope the sun has filled your dreams and i hope you can love me hidden here in my cave.
I wanted to fall in love with portland. i wanted to be swept away by the city of roses.
isn't that such a pretty thought? The City of Roses.
I miss you too.
I almost forgot what it felt like just being with you. you, the only one whose ever known.
Cry #2:
It feels like the beginning of the end for us. and your cat and your mom and how much stupider could we have been?
But i love you too much to leave you. so i'll lay here and love this pain.
Cry #3:
who would have thought they could have such a perfect life without me. because they're all there, and i'm the only one who isn't. i know it was my own choice, i know i should have gone back.
but i didn't.
and now you've all realized how much you really don't need me. how our family is missing so much less when i'm not around.
I hope the sun has filled your dreams and i hope you can love me hidden here in my cave.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Friday, July 16, 2004
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Hawaii Day 5
uhm... today... i... uhm... i did stuff...
we went to the pool today. swam for a while. came home and took showers and naps and got snacks. we played video games for a while. then we went to dinner. to the store. i bought adam a candy lei. i am SO excited he is comign tomorrow. excited like a pancake. indeed.
uhm... today... i... uhm... i did stuff...
we went to the pool today. swam for a while. came home and took showers and naps and got snacks. we played video games for a while. then we went to dinner. to the store. i bought adam a candy lei. i am SO excited he is comign tomorrow. excited like a pancake. indeed.
We never got any closure. i never got to say what i'm REALLY thinking. mostly cause i'm a little pussyass coward. mostly cause i can't even bare seeing you let alone talking to you. some people just don't deserve to know your true feelings. it'd be a waste of breath and a waste of time.
i told myself i wouldn't be so immature as to bag on you in my blog like all the other little online journal kids. but i just can't help it.
some one REALLY needs to tell you.
YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT. honestly, i've taken a worldwide poll and the results are in... you've been voted BIGGEST stupid fuck. most likely to NEVER grow up. person we'd ALL hate to be stranded on an island with.
i'm inclined to say i'm sorry, but i'm not. you're a loser. nothing but an ugly, disgusting, soul-less loser.
LOSER.
and i don't even know why i haven't seen or talked to you in a while yet i STILL hate you. i hate you.
maybe you never knew... BUT I HATE YOU.
i hate the things that remind me of you, the pictures of you, the mention of your name, the unwelcome thought of you. anything that somehow pertains to you... I HATE IT.
it makes me sick. you make me sick.
and i've been dying to say this for so long and that's the reason i can't get it out of my goddamned system... because you never knew.
i almost want to call you just to say that i hate you. just to tell you what a horrible human being you are. how you have no conscience and that i'm probably one of the biggest bitches and half the people i know hate me... YET I'M STILL BETTER THAN YOU.
because at least there's an ounce of fucking common goddamned sense.
you always thought you were better than everyone, think you're better than everyone. i'm not sure if you know it yet... but you're not.
no, you are not smarter.
no, not prettier. not hotter. not nicer. not cooler. not more fun. hell, you're not ANYTHING better than ANY one.
sometimes at night i think of how much time i wasted on you and how you've always been such a bitch.
and then i realize i have no reason to feel guilty about how much i truly despise you.
i told myself i wouldn't be so immature as to bag on you in my blog like all the other little online journal kids. but i just can't help it.
some one REALLY needs to tell you.
YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT. honestly, i've taken a worldwide poll and the results are in... you've been voted BIGGEST stupid fuck. most likely to NEVER grow up. person we'd ALL hate to be stranded on an island with.
i'm inclined to say i'm sorry, but i'm not. you're a loser. nothing but an ugly, disgusting, soul-less loser.
LOSER.
and i don't even know why i haven't seen or talked to you in a while yet i STILL hate you. i hate you.
maybe you never knew... BUT I HATE YOU.
i hate the things that remind me of you, the pictures of you, the mention of your name, the unwelcome thought of you. anything that somehow pertains to you... I HATE IT.
it makes me sick. you make me sick.
and i've been dying to say this for so long and that's the reason i can't get it out of my goddamned system... because you never knew.
i almost want to call you just to say that i hate you. just to tell you what a horrible human being you are. how you have no conscience and that i'm probably one of the biggest bitches and half the people i know hate me... YET I'M STILL BETTER THAN YOU.
because at least there's an ounce of fucking common goddamned sense.
you always thought you were better than everyone, think you're better than everyone. i'm not sure if you know it yet... but you're not.
no, you are not smarter.
no, not prettier. not hotter. not nicer. not cooler. not more fun. hell, you're not ANYTHING better than ANY one.
sometimes at night i think of how much time i wasted on you and how you've always been such a bitch.
and then i realize i have no reason to feel guilty about how much i truly despise you.
Monday, July 05, 2004
hawaii day 4
did nothing today. slept. talked to adam. hung out in the house by myself. i think everyone went to the mall. i can't get the TV to work.
(like 5 hours later)
we went to chuck e cheeses (chunky cheese they call it here) it was mad craziness. SO many kids to watch. i had supervision over two. but the two least hyper. came home. more video games. sleep.
did nothing today. slept. talked to adam. hung out in the house by myself. i think everyone went to the mall. i can't get the TV to work.
(like 5 hours later)
we went to chuck e cheeses (chunky cheese they call it here) it was mad craziness. SO many kids to watch. i had supervision over two. but the two least hyper. came home. more video games. sleep.
Hawaii day 3
fourth of july. we :thinks: went to a little day care/church fair complete with "bounce house" (an astro jump for all you nonpidgin speakers)and some games and food and stuff. teeny tiny ponies. it was cute... i guess.
and then... i slept for a while, live i have been every day. there's just not much to do here. i mean, we're not that close to downtown. no one in the neighborhood my age. and it's too surburbanized for exploring to be any type of fun. so i sleep for at least 3 hours in the middle of the day.
and then the block party started. whenever we're here my mom takes it upon herself for us to have a big potluck block party. which really isn't hard seeing as everyone here is really friendly and close and you just tell one person and the whole block will be there and everyone brings something. ANYWAYS. we ate. sat around a while. laughed at the MILLIONS of teeny tiny kids everywhere.
then the fireworks started. we had BOXES AND BOXES for DAAAYYYSS there were so many fireworks. i mean we got a BIG ass box from costco. plus all the neighbors. it was mass fireworks. we coned of the end of the cul de sac and just let loose and there were like GADS of stuff. it's unexplainable. either way, we did fireworks from about 7 to 11 or so... there was a LOT.
and then we all went home and we (myu nephews and i) played video games... and then they went to bed. yup, that was it.
fourth of july. we :thinks: went to a little day care/church fair complete with "bounce house" (an astro jump for all you nonpidgin speakers)and some games and food and stuff. teeny tiny ponies. it was cute... i guess.
and then... i slept for a while, live i have been every day. there's just not much to do here. i mean, we're not that close to downtown. no one in the neighborhood my age. and it's too surburbanized for exploring to be any type of fun. so i sleep for at least 3 hours in the middle of the day.
and then the block party started. whenever we're here my mom takes it upon herself for us to have a big potluck block party. which really isn't hard seeing as everyone here is really friendly and close and you just tell one person and the whole block will be there and everyone brings something. ANYWAYS. we ate. sat around a while. laughed at the MILLIONS of teeny tiny kids everywhere.
then the fireworks started. we had BOXES AND BOXES for DAAAYYYSS there were so many fireworks. i mean we got a BIG ass box from costco. plus all the neighbors. it was mass fireworks. we coned of the end of the cul de sac and just let loose and there were like GADS of stuff. it's unexplainable. either way, we did fireworks from about 7 to 11 or so... there was a LOT.
and then we all went home and we (myu nephews and i) played video games... and then they went to bed. yup, that was it.
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Hawaii Day 2
Today we went to the tidepools. we got there at like :thinks: 9 in the morning? and left at about two. we had a sort of potluck there. it was all really good and it's fair share of fun. tidepools here in hawaii are much different that half moon bay tidepools. oh well. we were at the tidepools near rabbit island and there was hella hardcore campers. crazy locals.
now we're at home and the kiddies are showering. i get last, oh well. and then me and grace are going to go to blockbuster so i can rent movies. and then i'm dropping her off so she can go clubbing with her friends. i may be designated tonight, not sure.
Today we went to the tidepools. we got there at like :thinks: 9 in the morning? and left at about two. we had a sort of potluck there. it was all really good and it's fair share of fun. tidepools here in hawaii are much different that half moon bay tidepools. oh well. we were at the tidepools near rabbit island and there was hella hardcore campers. crazy locals.
now we're at home and the kiddies are showering. i get last, oh well. and then me and grace are going to go to blockbuster so i can rent movies. and then i'm dropping her off so she can go clubbing with her friends. i may be designated tonight, not sure.
Hawaii Day 1
well, we got here and then ::thinks:: damn. i can't remember.
oh, well first i took like a 3 hour nap proceeded by a lot of whining from myself and the kids due to exhaustion. and then, we all went out to dinner, this korean place. i ordered based on the picture and i could have sworn it'd be chicken. indeed it wasn't. but it was good. it was some sort of meat covered in eggs. and then we went to costco and we bought this HUGE thing of fireworks. i'm excited. i've never played with fireworks before. and then we went home. we all played video games (game cube mario party and mario kart) for a while. we lost. oh well... and then... erhm, i took a shower and went to bed? i felt mass sick though. it was pretty gross.
well, we got here and then ::thinks:: damn. i can't remember.
oh, well first i took like a 3 hour nap proceeded by a lot of whining from myself and the kids due to exhaustion. and then, we all went out to dinner, this korean place. i ordered based on the picture and i could have sworn it'd be chicken. indeed it wasn't. but it was good. it was some sort of meat covered in eggs. and then we went to costco and we bought this HUGE thing of fireworks. i'm excited. i've never played with fireworks before. and then we went home. we all played video games (game cube mario party and mario kart) for a while. we lost. oh well... and then... erhm, i took a shower and went to bed? i felt mass sick though. it was pretty gross.
