I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you...

When I'm driving in my car I still cry over you. You're the only one.

I cry because of everything I went through. Everything I went through all alone. I cry because I remember his hands and I accuse you for not being there to save me. I cry because I remember the fear and the doctors and menace. And it's your fault that I had no support. I cry because I remember all the days and the nights I spent crying and you weren't there.

I let so few people into my life because I'm afraid I can't take it when they let me down. You were my rock, you were the one. You were so much to me and so much of everything. I don't know how but I thought that our relationship could stay that way, that I'd always be your little sister: protected. And you'd be the one to comfort me at night.

I can't forget the nights I would crawl into your bed afraid of the millions of monsters I created. You told me you'd always be there.

And suddenly the monsters were real and the darkness was catching up to me. I was running and running and I didn't need you to save me. I needed you to see that I was tired. I needed you to see that I was there. I needed you to see what I was going through because no one else could see. And no one could see me. And I thought if anyone could know just by looking at me, if anyone could know me, it was you.

I didn't want to be saved, I just didn't want to be alone.

But I was. I was alone. and it was all your fault. I faced the past, the present, and the impending future like the bombing of dresden and not only were you and your bed gone but you didn't even want to face the aftermath.

You were so wrapped up in your money problems and losing your house and I tried so much to help but you couldn't see that. You were so blind. I was losing every good thing inside of me. I can't seem to get it back.

I'm a completely different person now. I've left behind everything I was, everyone that was apart of that. But I still cry for you. I still miss you. And I think it's too late to ever get it back...

There's a distance between Adam and I. It isn't silence and it isn't anger. It's just this really normalized, barely noticeable presence in our relationship. It's almost a discomfort.

It's a strange and new negative aspect to our relationship and I don't quite know how to interpret it or what to do.

How many flaws or negatives until something is just bad? I've always had the problem at knowing.

Could Have Been

Sometimes I can't believe the things we've said. The words we've committed to memory.

How do you know The One? How do you distinguish Forever?

The same in every turn therefore incompatible. We are not the missing peices; we are the same peice.

I will never lose you and you will never lose me. Even if we never truly found each other to begin with.

I want to say let's be crazy, let's get married, let's throw it all to the wind.

Let's forget about the past, leave it in the past, forget the ways you hurt me. Forget the way I hurt you.

I want to say I'm sorry, let's get out of here, let's run away from here.

Let's forget what I just said, leave it at that, forget my expectations. Forget your expectations.

Let's be ridiculous and make bad decisions. Why won't you tell you'll love me forever? Why won't you lie to me like I like to lie to myself and say forever and ever and ever and forever.

Why don't you tell me, "Oh honey baby it's you, it's you, it's always been you. it'll always be you. Honey, honey, I love you?"

Why don't you tell me, "You're the one, you're the one. You've always been the one?"

Why don't you tell me, "it's night and day, it's night and day and I can't live without you night or day."

Could you say, "Please don't go, don't leave me this way, this isn't where we intended to be but we can make it better."

Why can't there be more than silence? Why are we so lost within ourselves that it's silence and silence and privacy and the secret domain of our own minds?

all alone all alone.

This reads like bad teenage poetry.