Almost 7 years later this is what I tell myself...

As much as I don't want to, something in me needs him and wants him. I can try to rationalize how much I don't as much as I want.

I need the fantasy, I need the pretend. I need to think that...

I need to pretend and fantasize that I can pretend and fantasize. It isn't ever ok, but I need it. I need it.