I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you...

When I'm driving in my car I still cry over you. You're the only one.

I cry because of everything I went through. Everything I went through all alone. I cry because I remember his hands and I accuse you for not being there to save me. I cry because I remember the fear and the doctors and menace. And it's your fault that I had no support. I cry because I remember all the days and the nights I spent crying and you weren't there.

I let so few people into my life because I'm afraid I can't take it when they let me down. You were my rock, you were the one. You were so much to me and so much of everything. I don't know how but I thought that our relationship could stay that way, that I'd always be your little sister: protected. And you'd be the one to comfort me at night.

I can't forget the nights I would crawl into your bed afraid of the millions of monsters I created. You told me you'd always be there.

And suddenly the monsters were real and the darkness was catching up to me. I was running and running and I didn't need you to save me. I needed you to see that I was tired. I needed you to see that I was there. I needed you to see what I was going through because no one else could see. And no one could see me. And I thought if anyone could know just by looking at me, if anyone could know me, it was you.

I didn't want to be saved, I just didn't want to be alone.

But I was. I was alone. and it was all your fault. I faced the past, the present, and the impending future like the bombing of dresden and not only were you and your bed gone but you didn't even want to face the aftermath.

You were so wrapped up in your money problems and losing your house and I tried so much to help but you couldn't see that. You were so blind. I was losing every good thing inside of me. I can't seem to get it back.

I'm a completely different person now. I've left behind everything I was, everyone that was apart of that. But I still cry for you. I still miss you. And I think it's too late to ever get it back...

There's a distance between Adam and I. It isn't silence and it isn't anger. It's just this really normalized, barely noticeable presence in our relationship. It's almost a discomfort.

It's a strange and new negative aspect to our relationship and I don't quite know how to interpret it or what to do.

How many flaws or negatives until something is just bad? I've always had the problem at knowing.

Could Have Been

Sometimes I can't believe the things we've said. The words we've committed to memory.

How do you know The One? How do you distinguish Forever?

The same in every turn therefore incompatible. We are not the missing peices; we are the same peice.

I will never lose you and you will never lose me. Even if we never truly found each other to begin with.